Does your partner spoil you?

[tooneedyme]

I have changed my name for this as am embarrassed to write about this although cannot reason why.

I miscarried last year and was desperate to fall pregnant again. Throughout the pregnancy last time, DH was adorable and I felt more loved than ever. He didn't do much around the house, as he never does but he was always fetching me things or rubbing my back or leaving me notes telling me how much he loves me. This pregnancy has been much rougher symptom wise and I have suffered terribly with nausea and tiredness. Despite this, DH does nothing to help. He is ultra grumpy and nothing I do is ever right. For instance the sandwiches I make for him to take to work for lunch are no longer acceptable and dinner so far this week (lamb steaks, turkey stir fry, venison burgers) has been scrutinised and moaned over.

A week ago we had an argument over him spending lots of money on his hobbies and not considering other things we need to save for (a big holiday in January, a new house and new baby next May.) He was furious with me and shouted at me for ages. I got really upset and reasoned that I felt angry he was spoiling himself so much and not spoiling me. I gave him some examples like running me a bath, rubbing my feet or how my Dad had just bought my Mum some flowers as she had a horrid cold. He later apologised for shouting at me and said nothing more about it. All week I have waited on him even to ask me if I would like a cup of tea but no joy. Today he mentioned something that needed doing and intimated me doing it, I suggested maybe it was time for me to be spoiled. He looked at me like I had two heads and asked when he would have time for that? He works a 9-5 job and has everything in the house done for him. His free time is spent watching tv or on his bike. Am I been really hormonal expecting a bit more love and attention given I have been feeling so physically unwell and that I am almost four months pregnant?

I realise I haven't been the most fun person to be around having been lying around feeling unwell for 7 weeks. It really gets you down. Having miscarried before I am also extremely anxious with everything about this pregnancy. That just irritates him though.

How do other partners respond to pregnancy. Any suggestions on how I can help him see my point of view?

He sounds horrible.

Why does he do nothing in the house?

Why is he ungrateful for the nice things you do for him?

To me this is the antithesis of how a partner should treat their loved one. Especially when their loved one is pregnant.

Ooh OP, that is no good out of him. Congratulations on your pregnancy, I hope everything goes well for you and your little bubs. I would for a start stop making him blardy sandwiches for his lunch AND make my own dinner, he can get his own with his ungrateful attitude. This may not be helpful to you but at least it will show him what he does have and he needs to start respecting that.
I've had some furious rows with my husband this pregnancy but nothing that last longer than 10 minutes. Its difficult for a woman when she is carrying a baby, also your husband needs to learn to 'bond' with the baby via being nice to you and respecting the new little life growing inside you. Being horrible to a pregnant women is the basest form of cruelty. I wish you luck with him, he needs to snap out of it now.

That doesn't sound good really OP, but I am wondering, do you work? If so then I don't see why you should be expected to be doing everything around the house on top of making all of his meals, especially when you're not feeling well. If you don't then I could understand why he would see it as down to you to take care of the house whilst he's out working, which I think would be fair with the proviso that he should understand that you may not be as able to when you're not feeling well. It sounds like he's not being very understanding at all and is actually being quite mean, which there is definitely no need for and which is actually quite shocking considering you're also pregnant!

No helpful advice really, other than if it is possible having a heart to heart with him about all of this.

Mine was a bit like that at first. He can generally be a bit lazy at times, and he has slight adult ADD so he can never organise himself or concentrate on things.

He was getting quite grumpy and nasty with me during the first few weeks, and huffing and puffing at me. I had dreadful MS and also lay around, and he hated it.

However, I had to go for an early scan due to spotting, and once he saw the baby he became a changed man. He bought me chocolates (although they do make me sick haha) has been doing the cleaning etc...

I think that before that he just didn't get that I was pregnant. This is our first, and he didn't really expect me to feel so sick and tired.

I think that you should talk to him and let him know how you feel. Maybe he's worried about the baby due to last time and is keeping it all bottled up. Men tend to do that, then take it out on us in the most bizarre ways... such as not doing anything to help.

xx

I'm sorry he sounds awful. My H does everything at the moment as I'm 8 weeks after 2 years ttc

I'm on my third and I never get spoilt... I am expected to carry on as normal. The division of labour in our household is pissing me off at the moment...I'm going to have to set up some sort of rota before I explode.
Would be nice to feel cared for now and again...sometimes I get jealous of other pregnant women for this reason...which is one reason I like to stay away from other pregnant women who have more caring and helpful partners.

I wonder if he's shitting himself becasue of your previous m/c? Sounds as though there is a significant difference between how he reacted with your first pregnancy and this one?

Perhaps he is "dealing" with his anxiety by disconnecting from it all? Not very helpful for you, but I do wonder where his head is at.

My partner-while not mean, did feck all. And seemed to forget at times that we had a baby on the way....like buying a £450 bike when I was 6 months!
It did piss me off but I got over it. However yours sounds downright mean! Like others said, it could be that he's scared because of last time. Will he talk about whether anything in particular is worrying him? I know mine wouldn't but worth a try??

I was just going to post what saltyair said - is this his way of protecting himself after your miscarriage last time? I know if this is the case it doesn't make things any easier for you - but maybe its worth a chat to explain how you feel?

Congrats on your second pregnancy by the way, I hope things improve.

my oh is being a total f*ckwit too. I think its anxiety as other ladies have said. I am insanely jealous of women with non emotionally retarded partners who are looking after them. Sadly I have given up and am treating myself like a princess, I'd be waiting a long time for someone else to do it!

I had a moan to my mum about it and she reminded me that men are different and they really are you can give them excuses saying hes worried about anything bad happening etc but they just are like that. My friends look after me more than my husband does. He keeps having the same symbtoms as me for some reason including a urine infection and is staying in bed all the time while I make a fuss of him Im due in 3 weeks! Men are just strange. Just look after yourself go have massages etc and hairdressers leave him to it.xx

I think it sounds like he's in denial slightly? Perhaps carrying on as normal and not making a fuss because of what happened last time. I know when I'm feeling hurt, worried or anxious I am a complete cow and have this kind of shut down mechanism where I can't talk about the issue and just go into snappy mode...! Perhaps he's more worried than u think and it's making him react the way he is... Hopefully, if this us the case, he'll snap out of it soon, perhaps when you're a bit further gone? x

Is he anxious about the previous miscarriage and avoiding acknowledging this pregnancy much?

Does he actually realise how you are supposed to treat a pregnant woman? I ask this because I think my husband didn't as we were the first of all our friends to have a baby. All he really knew about was morning sickness, which I didn't have. He thought I was making up the tiredness and over sensitivity. He thought I was vastly exaggerating the pain and discomfort I was in for the last two months. In short, he was not very supportive. This time around (am preg again) most of our friends have now had babies and he has realised I wasn't just a whinging, lazy cow He's much nicer to me now.

Maybe you're expecting too much too soon?

I remember going throught the not very well phase and with not looking any different I think it did start to piss dh off that things wernt getting done around the house.

As times gone on hes got more and more supportive(very supportive and caring in general anyways). He now even puts my socks on if my back hurts to much to reach! :o

I hope you get things sorted, just keep talking to each other. :)

Nope I don't get spoilt. This is DC2 and I'm 36 weeks. I'm still expected to work, do most of the caring for DS age 4. Clean the house, do the Christmas shopping, wrap the bloody presents dispite being huge and uncomfy sat on the sodding floor. I still make DS pack up, do all the washing, cleaning. DH will do the odd bit of cooking but that's nothing to do with me being pregnant, just cos I work til later than he does so it's easier for him to do it sometimes. I am in so much pain with my hips, I need to pee all the time, I am knackered, completely knackered, can barely bend my fingers as they are so swollen and it hurts to do pretty much everything and the other night he even said 'are u takin the piss?' when I needed to get up out of bed for the third wee in an hour. Yeah that's right darlin, I'm doing this just to annoy YOU as I have nothing better to do!

On a plus side he's very caring with DS and a very good daddy and on the whole a good person in general. He just doesn't seem to realise quite how much hard work it is being pregnant and I seem to just whinge all the time to try and get him to realise how much strain I am under physically. Grrrrrrrrrr.

I can imagine the difference in responses if you had posted this in Relationships OP but I think this was the best place for it because you'd get some much more 'robust' suggestions there. There is more understanding here I think but I still think he is super ungrateful and mean. I hope you are taking care of yourself the best you can x

I'm not sure if his behaviour is related to your pregnancy, but it is not very kind. It may be hard for him to understand that even a normal pregnancy can be a strain, physically and emotionally. Has he read any books or been to any midwife appointments or antenatal classes with you yet? If not, he should asap. There is one book 'What to expect when you're expecting - for dads' or similar, which my DH found really useful. Or you just need to tell him, while reassuring him that most pregnant women suffer from at least a few symptoms.

Eg it is generally normal to have some degree of morning sickness, then feel tired, get backache and have difficulty moving so easily later on. For this reason, partners need to do more. For example, now I am 36 weeks (since the start tbh) my DH:

drives me to and from wherever I am going (usually I take the bus)
does more around the house

accepts we have more takeaways / he does more cooking
gives me a massage every night
fetches me drinks or snacks in the middle of the night (I sleep badly)
generally waits on me, runs me baths etc

I would have thought this was normal really - after all, you are carrying his child. I do feel looked after, but by the same token I do all I can within reason, eg I am writing all the Xmas cards.

Do persist at explaining to your DP not only why you need his support but also how - what do you actually want him to do? perhaps he won't spontaneously offer to cook dinner, but you can tell him what would be the most useful for you. Good luck with this, and for a healthy pregnancy.

Thank you all for your responses. I work part time and he works full time. For a long I did not work at all due to health reasons and he got used to me doing everything. Now if I don't do it it doesn't et done, although he did wash the dishes tonight as I was at work all day and he wasn't. I have tried the not making him lunch or dinner tactic but it backfires on me as all the food I have in the house goes to waste as he just gets takeout and spends money which could be better utilised elsewhere. I will persist in asking him for more attention. I would appreciate something thoughtful more than helping around the house if that makes sense? Whenever I ask for anything or anything to be done I am nagging though. It's a no win situation.

I'm 19 weeks wih DC2 although this is my 4th pregnancy. (2 earlyish MCs) While I have to say my DH has been good at helping out with household chores, washing up, changing bed sheets and a bit of hoovering, I would not say he spoils me.

I'm guilty of romanticising my pregnancy and can get a bit carried away thinking that DH should be rubbing my feet, running me baths and buying me chocolates when reality is that he's just not that romantic. Maybe it's the same with you and your DH?

What I will say is that I believe it's difficult for men to connect you feeling rubbish in the early days to the fact that you're carrying his baby. For my DH I know that when my bump gets bigger and he can see the physical change he will become more protective of me. Hopefully your DH will be the same.

In the meantime, he really does need to start helping round the house a lot more. You need to tell him how you're feeling but also be realistic about your expectations. It's a long time until your due date so I suggest letting the small things go for now, such as the romantic gestures. It's the practical stuff that needs to change.

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

I should have explained that I'm a SAHM so that "DH has been good at helping out with household chores" doesn't sound so bad! He works 60+ hours a week so normally housework does completely lie with me.