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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

MIL rant!

26 replies

blushingmare · 24/11/2011 21:44

Grrrrrr. Am cross!

We told DH's parents last night over dinner - had a lovely evening & they were excited and emotional which was lovely. However we stressed to them that we don't want to tell ANYONE else until the weekend, just to give us a few more days clear for any bad news about blood tests to come up. We specifically said we wanted to tell DH'S grandparents ourselves, and we were looking forward to breaking the news to them.

Anyway, MIL went straight home and told them! I'm soooooo cross! And she wasn't even apologetic about it either!

AIBU? I probably am as haven't had any more than 4 hours sleep a night for the past 6 weeks and am tired and emotional and I know she was probably just really excited, but STILL!!!!!!

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Onlymydogunderstandsme · 24/11/2011 22:00

I would be annoyed! We told parents at just over 9 weeks as we had an early scan and swore them to secrecy and they didn't tell anyone but I would have been cross if they had!! There is nothing nicer than telling your loved ones face to face and seeing how happy they are for you, I have loved it! I don't think you are being unreasonable!

I have had issues with my MIL though since we announced...it's as though she doesn't like it that her darling baby boy has grown up and starting his own family! This ranges from insinuating I trapped him and telling him that he has to run the babies name past her first!!!! I can see a fall out happening!

Congratulate btw!

hubbahubster · 25/11/2011 06:20

My mother rang my sister and told her. My sis and I are really close, and as she works in a school she only checks her phone at lunchtime - I'd left her a message as I wanted to tell her myself, but my mum spoke to her before she'd had a chance to check her voicemail. Mum then proceeded to tell everyone including my hairdresser. Really took the shine off things as I didn't get the pleasure of telling people myself.

Personally, I think it's important to draw a line early doors. My mother was told in no uncertain terms that it was completely out of order and that she had spoiled some of the fun for me. Of course, it's easier when it's your own parent - perhaps DP could say words to that effect? Then leave it at that. You don't want to start a fight but it's good to set a precedent for being in charge of how your little bit of family is run. My mother was just so excited, she didn't think and still has never apologised - that's her all over but I still felt that I had to stand up for myself rather than just accept it, even though I know she'll never change!

DizzyKipper · 25/11/2011 07:07

You're definitely not being unreasonable. My MIL is like this, can't be relied on to keep a secret and it would seriously piss me off were I in your position. As hubba says it would be good to let her know early on where the line is and when she's crossed it, it is your family after all and not hers (I am still awaiting when MIL inevitably starts trying to run my childrens' lives the way she's always tried to run her's, won't be standing for that whatsoever)

deemented · 25/11/2011 07:11

Oh i feel your pain.

Just wait though, til she announces she wants to be there at the birth, or she hands you a list with baby names on it an tells you to choose...

Original poster

blushingmare · 25/11/2011 08:45

Thanks for the understanding! Yeah you're right we probably do need to let her know that we're not happy. DH is very nonconfrontational but even he was really p**d off yesterday. He replied to her text saying firmly that she wasn't supposed to do that and they're not to tell anyone else til we say so, so I hope she'll get the message! She is really lovely and I'm lucky in many respects - she just doesn't think before opening her mouth sometimes! Hey ho - I'm sure lots of your have far worse MILs so I shouldn't moan!

OP posts:

LoveInAColdClimate · 25/11/2011 08:54

I would be livid too. It's different if someone accidently let's something slip (although obviously still annoying) but deliberately telling other people when asked not to is really unfair. I would second getting your DH to Have A Word and explain that things like this are not on.

FetchezLaVache · 25/11/2011 08:59

Oh yes, agree with everyone else- there's a whole world of interference that desperately needs nipping in the bud here!

Congratulations, by the way!

brettgirl2 · 25/11/2011 09:03

My MIL told my SIL when I was 9 weeks and I was really cross. Not much you can do about it unfortunately other than be careful what you tell them in future. She had a reason I suppose but it ended up with SIL telling us stuff she probably didnt want to either so it wasnt great for anyone.

LoveInAColdClimate · 25/11/2011 09:05

Oh, and "lets", sorry, stupid iPhone...

Tangle · 25/11/2011 10:07

Yes - my MIL told her best friend when we'd asked her to keep schtum. We didn't make a huge fuss of it, just were very careful not to tell her anything else until we were happy for the world to know. Her loss!

We didn't kick off with her as, in general, she's pretty good as MIL's and mothers go - I think she was a bit confused that our approach was very different to hers, but she accepted that advice had changed and our family wasn't her family so we might do things in a way that she couldn't see the immediate logic for and/or didn't understand intuitively.

She's not always the most sensitive, but equally I know her heart's in the right place and if I needed help I could ask and she'd do everything possible to support me. For us, keeping that relationship was more important than making a big issue out of something that we felt we could control in other ways - we didn't feel it was a symptom of "out of control, dominating MIL" for us :)

MiauMau · 25/11/2011 10:09

I don't think that you're being unreasonable. I went back to my country on holidays and told my parents and siblings that I was pregnant even though it was too early to tell because, I would have another opportunity at Christmas to tell them personally. By the following day people that I don't even know were congratulating me and when I told off my parents for spilling the beans they just looked at me like I was wrong.
It made me feel really sorry for DP as he only managed to tell his parents afterwards and over skype.

LydiaWickham · 25/11/2011 10:14

My mum told the world and his wife, followed by "but it's a secret, so don't tell anyone!"

cherryjellybelly · 25/11/2011 10:35

ugh you have every right to be annoyed, my FIL 'hinted' to people. which then meant everyone asking if I was pregnant at 9weeks.
congratulations ! :D

LittleWhiteWolf · 25/11/2011 10:42

If you wanted to keep it a secret, you shouldn't have told anyone. We learned this with our DD. DH told MIL and asked her to keep it quiet from his brothers and sisters (much younger) as he wanted to tell them himself. The older of his two brothers in particular as they are very close and DH is practically like a dad to him and we wanted to break the news in carefully. MIL went straight to them while DH was there and yelled "I'm going to be a nanny again!"

Infuriating, but we learned our lesson. With this DC we told no-one (having had an mc and an mmc between DD and DC2, so being cautious) until we told my mum the week before the scan. MIL got told afterwards.

Its tough, but there's nothing you can do now. Let her know you're annoyed if you want, but you can't change it and you also can't blame her for being excited. If you have had a good relationship with your MIL up until now, please don't assume that things will go downhill now. MILs get excited, we get a bit PFB and it can be a fraught time. Pick your battles though!

LittleWhiteWolf · 25/11/2011 10:42

And congratulations!

Original poster

blushingmare · 25/11/2011 10:49

Thanks Littewhitewolf - you're probably right, but the reason we told them
On Weds was because we were actually seeing them then (they live 3 hours away) and we wanted to tell them in person. She only had to keep it to herself for two days and I stupidly thought that as a grown woman she could manage that! Don't worry I know she's fundamentally a lovely person and have no intention of upsetting her over it. The hormonal part of me just wants her to know I'm cheesed off though!

OP posts:

fhdl34 · 25/11/2011 12:01

I'd have been well hacked off if that was me. We told our family on the phone at the same time but my DH told him mum straight off not to tell anyone as he wanted to tell the family himself. They also work at the same place and she was told in no uncertain terms to keep her mouth shut which, give her credit, she did but we were very specific about it. She does sort of think this pregnancy is all about her, with her announcing that she couldn't believe she was expecting 2 DGC (SIL pregnant as well at the time) and then announcing (not asking) that she would be there at the hospital when we both gave birth so she could be first in after the fathers. Needless to say, DH has told her she is not to set foot in the hospital and we'll ring her when we're home and ready for visitors. We've been married for 13 years and we've learnt you have to be firm with her because everything is very much about her if you let it be. Sounds like in general your MIL is normally okay, hope she continues that way but doing what she did was well out of order.

flowerflo · 25/11/2011 16:15

The same thing happened to me. We told my mum and his parents at 12 weeks and asked them to keep it quiet. This decision was partly due to my medical problems and my anxieties that something would go wrong so we wanted to tell people when we felt ready to share it. His parents then went and told everyone within a week!!!! I was absolutely furious (and still am at 34 weeks!!!). I wrote them a letter to explain how upset I was - FIL was very apologetic but MIL couldn't see that she had done anything wrong. She then got SIL involved who said I was 'out of order'?!

The 'In laws' are also talking about coming to the hospital for the birth!!! I have made it clear this is not going to happen, but knowing them, they will turn up anyway! They're not horrible people, but just can't see that their way of doing things is not how I want to do things.

Arrrrrrrgh!!!!!!

LittleWhiteWolf · 25/11/2011 16:42

blushingmare, I do totally understand. TBH I think the reason I let it go with my MIL was because my mum was in hospital herself at that time and I was too exhausted with worry to bother with MIL.

flowerflo, I wouldn't worry about their desires to come to hospital for the birth. Most hospitals in the UK have regulations stating only one birthing partner per birth, so thats that. The hospital I had my DD at had strict visiting hours, too, daddies could come from I think 10-6, but there were only 2 1 hour slots within that time frame for other visitors, and then only 2 per bed.

flowerflo · 25/11/2011 16:46

Thanks littlewhitewolf, thats a relief to know......the thought of the whole family round the bed taking photos of the birth is too much to bear!!!

LydiaWickham · 26/11/2011 16:39

Flowerflo - don't tell them (or anyone) that you are in labour. Get DH to phone them once your DC has safely arrived. You can always get your DH to say he was just focused on you and forgot to call anyone to tell them. Or that he rushed you to the hospital straight away and they made him turn off his mobile...

spannermary · 26/11/2011 16:49

What a minefield! At the end of the day it's very simple, though...

Your body, your baby, your decision. I love love love my mum, but no way is she coming to the birth. (I wouldn't want to use bad language around her -lol!)

Also, DH and I need to discuss how we'll handle visitors, as we too live 200 miles from my parents, and they'll want to visit asap (which I understand - and we'd love to see them) but we'd need the house to ourselves, I think.

That's an aside to the main point: I'd be furious if they told people without our say so...and we made that very clear when we told them. Luckily they respected that.

Mizza76 · 26/11/2011 22:50

By contrast, when my husband told his mother pretty early on that I was expecting DD1 and that it was a secret, she didn't acknowledge what he had said to anyone --- not even me!! No congratulations, no nothing.... Perhaps she thought I wasn't meant to know either!

keely027 · 11/12/2011 11:50

something happened to me, but with my mum. then she apologised and i forgot about it and then later on denied it ever happened. That's when I lost the plot and had massive row. still got my own back, when I found out the sex told everyone in the family first, then told her last.

keely027 · 11/12/2011 11:50

i mean 'same thing', not something :)

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