Any other single mums to be out there?!!

[BelleRomford74]

I am 26 weeks pregnant with 3rd... my other 2 dd (1 living, 1 deceased) are by my exhub (still great friends & he is brilliant dad) this bubba unplanned & as a result of a casual relationship... I was shocked at the beginning as I never intended to have another child now my eldest is 9 but soon got used to the idea & am now so happy & excited!!... The Dad however is a different story & not happy at all.. the only times he has spoken to me in the last 6 months is to tell me he wishes the baby would die!! Our last communication he was particularly abusive & threatening. I am not bothered by him or upset anymore but I am however a little embarrassed at the situation I have got myself in!! (feel like I qualify for Jeremy Kyle!) & hope this does'nt come across snobby but never invisaged myself in any situation like this. I guess I expect everyone to be judging me being a single mum but it really all came about by accident!! I have told my mw our relationship finished soon after conception but my obsterician knows me from 2nd pregnancy so just keep telling her my partner can't get time off of work as I am embarrassed at how much my life has changed since 2nd pregnancy (where I was married) bet I sound like a screwball now!! My friends want to give me a baby shower but again I feel embarrassed to have so much fuss & really like I don't deserve it!! Does anyone understand?? :(

sorry, no experience but i would say i'd let your friends spoil you as much as they like - you deserve it as much as any other knackered, pregnant mum. I don't think you need to be embarrassed, you ex partner should be the embarrassed one. Don't be so hard on yourself.

Your friends sound really nice and caring to want to give you a shower. So what if the situation is less than ideal!

It also sounds to me that the person that's judging you the harshest is yourself. Give yourself a break.

Hi yes I'll also be a single mum and am sometimes worried about what this label will mean. From my point of view though this is the very best scenario since me and my ex were becoming increasingly distant and I realised that while I didn't want him any more I definitely wanted the baby. In fact, had I found out earlier, I think I would have faced difficult choices. In the end, we were finished and 3 days later I discovered I was pregnant which was for me the best situation after 3 years together...As with every thing in life it's other peoples opinions about this which have to be managed, for me personally I'm looking forward to being a mummy and then finding someone (sometime in the future) strong enough to take on both me and my baby :0)

Im not a single mum but wanted to say congrats and enjoy yourself! :)

I'm a single mum to be
However I'm worried if I'll cope etc...

Diana, I'm sure you'll be brilliant...Have faith in yourself.
If I'm honest, I'm not one to compromise and I think I would have found the inevitable change in our relationship that a child can sometimes bring harder to deal with than our break up. I also never wanted a child to be used as the glue in a relationship so I feel my decision to be a single mum is a preferable one to me than a rocky relationship that probably wouldn't have lasted however good it felt at first...Unfortunately it came to an end but as a result I am going to be a mum and I'm so excited.

We were together for 2 years and everything was fine but when I found out I was pregnant he didn't want the responsibility of a child apparently its too soon for him and he is 30!
The reason I'm saying that I'm not sure that I'll cope is because I'm in a one bedroom tiny council flat and just finished uni with no work experience and now 26 weeks pregnant
I'm happy that I'll have a child but it will be hard as well as emotionally but also financially as I had to go on benefits and the council won't rehouse me to a more suitable place for me and my unborn child. He also bought me a Labrador and she also needs a lot of care!
But I'll have to cope never the less i know that I'm not the only one in that situation!
What happened between you and your ex partner if u don't mind me asking? X

This thread popped up on active convos can I suggest you ladies might like to pop over to lone parents theres a few that have done the pregnancy etc alone.

My ex didn't want to know so I proceeded alone completed two years of uni went back to parents and had DD at 23 years old shes now 2. Like many of you the harshiest critic was myself I thought people would judge me, but actually it doesn't really come up in conversation too much. It took me untill DD was 6 months old to actually accept being a lone parent, I realized actually I'd done the hardest bit and I'd done a pretty good job and that we would be ok.

There are many positives to being on your own even if it can get a bit lonely and tiring. The best advice I can give you is surround yourselves with good family and friends and accept help when its offered you dont have to prove a point by being supermum.

I hope you all have uneventful pregnancys and stay healthy.

There were issues from a previous relationship where he had a child. He was adamant that he wanted a life with me children etc but I was kept separate from his other life with his young daughter. I became increasingly concerned about his ability to compartmentalise knowing that if we were going to build a future he also needed to reconcile the guilt he had about his former relationship and we all needed to move on. My frustration about this situation just got worse until I realised that I actually didn't need this mess in my life. I know it seems very cold writing this here now but when you're wrapped up in something it's hard to see the light. I honestly think if this hadn't have happened he'd still be promising me that we were meant to be etc etc. As it is, when he realised I was more than happy to have baby on my own he panicked and felt like this would now completely ruin his relationship with his four year old daughter...Right that's about it in a nutshell. In my opinion he was just someone who could never fulfil his responsibilities in a given situation and always chose to run away or blame someone else for the choices he made in life and is probably still doing so...

fantastic posts thank you! :) I guess as I will be receiving benefits until I am ready to return to work plays majorly on my embarrassment..I had worked full time since leaving school even with a young dc, I had to give up work to care for dd2 as she was severly disabled from birth then was mainly supported by exh, after she died I did return to work part time but after this baby is born I really would like to be with dc3 for a couple of years experiencing everything I missed with dd2..(she was in SCBU for 1st 5 months of life) never felt like she was mine til she eventually came home but even then she was tube fed only & on 24hr oxygen with severe CP so I could'nt do the normal baby clubs etc.. I know it is selfish to expect tax payers to fund these couple of years (as I was told by an adviser at the job centre!!!!) but I did pay heavily into the system for 20 years!! And one day will do again!! I live in an area where reliance on the welfare state is rife large families where parents have never worked etc.. (like the ones you see in the daily Mail!!) but I really don't want to be labelled as a sponger!! :(

Hi Belle-I 'm having the same dilemma re: benefits. Still can't decide whether to stay at home or work. Might leave thinking about it until baby is here now as I just go round in circles. Sometimes I even regret having my flat since then I could get housing etc . As it is I've worked since leaving uni etc and saved hard for a deposit alone so I guess I'll try and keep doing this but just not sure how I'll feel when lo is here. It's a wait and see...Like you I'm wary of some people's judgements but I think if you are just who you are no-one could possibly 'label' you. The so-called spongers are often just used to incite prejudice/sell papers etc and like all stereotypes most intelligent people will look beyond the label.

If it helps any of you on your benefits dilemma if you go back to work part time you will be eligible for working tax and help with childcare etc so you don't really save the tax payer any money you get more or less the same but in a different form. I don't by any means condone people who abuse the system and repeatedly have children on benefits but they are there to help people like us. If you take 3 years off of work with one child you wll receive less then 30,000 thats a lot less then most of the MPs were claiming.

I live on benefits but I see raising my daughter as my job, I fill our days with practical things to do, lots of hands on parenting, still breast feed, go to groups etc. In face my lone parent job centre advisor told me to enjoy my time with my daughter as you never get it back.

I'm waiting for my baby to be born however I have no idea when I'll be able to go to work being a single mum and all im already worried about being on benefits and iv been on them for just over two month! I don't feel that the government owes me anything yet I have no other option at the moment

Hi,

Just been reading through this thread... I was "happily" married, living in a lovely house, financially very stable, with a gorgeous 1yr old and twins on the way, this time 2mths ago... Then I discovered ""D"H's web of lies, stretching back to before DC1 was born... Fast forward to now, and though I still cringe at being labelled a "single mum on benefits", I'm determined to hold my head high.

Yes, I will have to claim benefits, but that's an inevitable fact. There's nothing I can do about it. There's no other way I can sucessfully raise 3 children under 18mths. When I can, I'll go back to work, and will pay my taxes then (as I have been up to now, as their father does, their grandparents do, their aunts and uncles...). It's what the system is in place for. What I claim will be a drop in the ocean compared to others and the money I get isn't for me, it's for my children. It's to give them the best start in life (and that includes the parental stability that they would have had were it not for their father's behaviour). It's what THEY deserve.

And another thing that struck me the other day, that really reassures me... Yes, I'm a single parent in that I'm not in a relationship. But I amn't a LONE parent. Family and friends have rallied round and proved that.

So all in all, no, the situation isn't ideal. But single or not, I'm going to continue to be the best mum I can possibly be, so for that reason, I have nothing to be ashamed of. If I need a bit of extra help, so be it.

Thank you everyone for your posts... I now feel more comfortable with my situation knowing I am not alone!! I do feel same as you newlysinglemum (so sorry about your dh by the way, painful & hard situation for you) I worked in a family business stretching back 4 generations so we too as a family have paid well & truely into the system!! I think my main reason for feeling so low was a particular employee at the job centre who's attitude has been awful (reduced me to tears on more than 1 occassion) thankfully only a couple more signings on before I am signed off of Job Seekers!!
I too take pride is raising my dd & will do when my baby is born & my dd deffo benefits from having me around, I worked long hours before & as a single mum life was just a whirlwind after school...quick dinner, quick bath quick cuddle & bed!!..Now its nutricious meals cooked from scratch, homework, reading, funtime etc.. but part of me misses having a career so I will go back to it when it suits my family.