help please

[mumtobe123]

im 29weeks and a bit and i dunno.
im seeing a councillor and stuff and doctors etc becuase i have got 'issues'; depression, family issues, past, bad childhood etc
I am terrified of being a mum.
I love my baby and want him to be ok and worry about him and rub my belly, i cant talk to my belly tho, but i still cant believe there is a baby in there, even tho i have seen the scan and seen my elly flip about. I just ccant get it into my head. I jsut think at the back of my head there is no baby, but i know there is one. It is so confusing. and i love feeling him kick and move it makes me happy.
I jsut think coz of my childhood i will be bad. and because im 'ill' i will be bd and that i wont cope and social will take my baby away.
I cant look after a baby, unplanned, i am young, no money...etc i have a perfect amazing partner who is so supportive and always there and loves me even when i look like poo. and i love him so much too.
but me and a baby? i did childcare training and courses and jobs, it is all i wanted to do but i had a bad workplace that was horrible and accused me of stuff, my counsillor knows and seems to agree they were bad. but it knocked me. i do not know wat i want to do with life. i am terrified of going back to work. i am a happy front but a mess inside im seeing all this shrinks who say im not depressed it is my past and the way i am and bad circumstances and i feel like im damaged good because of that.
i dont see the point in getting up, but i do.
i moved 100miles to live with my partner for our perfect beautiful baby, i gave up uni , friends, some family and went to live with my parents temorary while we do up our place, it was left in a bad mess by previous tenants. my parents and me is not good, it is a bad relationship with a very troubled past and apparently nothing has changed.
i do nothing, i have no friends here no job nothing. and im to scared to get a job after the baby is born because of everything.
i feel like im gonna be a bad mum and mess up everything and that im a let down etc i feel so useless like i cant help. as well as feeling fat and ugly etc
i could go on and on i just had to vent, i will probally talk to my partner, i just needed to vent for now, i just dont think im good enough for this and te baby wont love me or i will get it wrong and am terrified of losing him and my partner, i love them so much. i just want to be happy and good.
thankyou

im also petrified of childbirth, even more of c-section and needles and the baby being early (a few issues with pre eclampsia, nothing serious atm) and general worries about baby being early, disabled etc

Hi, you sound like there are lots and lots of different thoughts and worries swirling around in your head, some of which are to do with becoming a mother, others are more generally self-esteem and what is my life going to be like type questions. I think the first thing to say is - these questions and worries are really really normal! Having them doesn't mean anything is wrong or that you'll be a bad mother - it doesn't matter how old you are, how much money you have etc, every woman who is going to become a mother worries whether they'll cope and be a good mum. The thing is, no one is a perfect mum. No one is going to get it right first time, every time, every day. You just do the best you can, with what you've got. And you take help and support from wherever you can. That is a partner, your midwife, your gp, your counsellor, new mummy friends that you meet at antenatal classes in the new area, old friends that you can call/txt/email, your partners mum & dad maybe if not your own, the health visitor etc. Although it feels like it to start, you don't have to do this all by yourself.
And you will be the most important person in your baby's life. That's huge and scary, but also wonderful. S/he will love you, and you will love him/her even when you don't think you do. Bonding while you're pregnant and worried is difficult, bonding even in the first few days doesn't always happen immediately, but if you allow yourself time to adjust, don't try to expect miracles or stardust and take it day by day it will happen. Go easy on yourself - it's a tough job and it's ok to be scared but you'll be fine.

P.s. Do make sure you talk about your concerns re childbirth etc with your midwife the next time you see her. And ensure she's aware of your counselling etc. She'll keep an eye on you for support if it looks you might need it for antenatal or postnatal depression.

Coming from a bad background makes a lot of people very aware of all the mistakes they could make, but to be so worried about being a bad mum tells me that you will be anything but, you and your baby will be fine, just give it some time

As for your mood have you thought about getting some support through counselling instead? it will help with all these feelings your having and give you someone totally impartial to talk with, your midwife can fast track a referral now

Its normal to be scared, im terrified of a lot of those things too but at the end of the day you have to trust that instinct will kick in and those around you will help you, take things day by day and try and go easy on yourself its ok to be worried

I just wanted to say thanks for replying, i just had to say something to someone, and mumsnet is great for that, i did speak to my partner that night and although he isn't much help with stuff like that, he tries bless him.
I do see a counseller (i really cannot spell,) weekly and everyone is aware of my mental issues, or my mentalness as I put it, I jsut need more time at councilling.
Was recently told by a doctor at a different hospital that I wasn't depressed and it was just the way I am and said about CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy.) I was refered to a hospital who deal with pregnant ladies and mental health issues.
I am all for that, but if he bothered to read my notes he would know, me and my actual doctor and counseller discussed this. It was decided and suggested by me to go to counselling and then do the CBT as CBT wouldn't work for me right now because of unresolved issues for me in the past.
This doctor was very VERY late, I had never met him before, or the lady he was with, (i presume a midwife sitting in,) and I couldnt understand him at all and felt rude constantly asking him to repeat.
Anyway I was in there 10/15mins tops. And they asked if I knew why I was there went through my 'symptoms' and left me in a crying bawling wreck, in front of them, and said I am fine it is jsut the way I am and the way my mind works.
They also said (because I have always had trouble sleeping and it gets worse when I get worse,) to stay up as late as I can watching TV or something and eat something before I go to bed so I am not awake.
They said go to bed when I am tired and to watch TV or something downstairs, but not read a book as that keeps you up and not have anything in my room which i dont. And to eat before i go bed????
I have been told to try and have a routine to calm down, which I was doing and waking up early/normal time and staying awake in the day, which i have been trying, to no avail so they suggested that.
anyway i am trying this but get too tired in the day to where i cannot physically keep my eyes open and go to sleep and then of course my night sleep is getting worse again.
I don't really wanna go to my doc as she must be fed up of me by now, but she is very nice, i also see my consultant 2moz so will say to him all of this, he is a nice man.
Thanks for letting me rant again... feeling a bit better now off my chest but still pooey.

Hope you are all well etc and take care and thank you x

From your posts it sounds like you are a very caring person with a whole bundle of stuff you're having to deal with.

Nearly everything you've written about your pregnancy (feeling like you're not really pregnant, health of the baby etc) sounds pretty normal to me and I don't think you should worry too much about that side of things. I'm on no2 and still feel the same way about 'is it really happening', 'will it be OK' and 'how the hell am I going to get it out'. As soon as DS arrived everything made sense, it's not always been easy - babies are hard work! - but it's bloody wonderful.

I can't really help with the other stuff but it sounds like you're being open and getting help. Hormones can be a bugger too and make everything seem even worse. Keep ranting and try to stay positive - I've got a feeling you're going to be fine :)

mumtobe Don't rule out CBT just yet at this point. You seem fairly clued in to what's happened and what impact it's having on you. You also seem a little frustrated and worried that you'd keep making the same mistakes/repeating the same things, or are worried that you might be a bad Mum (you won't be, you have issues, but are aware of them, that's a large part of the battle dealt with). CBT is aimed at re-thinking things and placing coping strategies in place. It helped me focus on actually what was going on and not just going round the houses with the issues. Linking things back to 'issues' and identifying triggers of "mentalness" for me. It then puts stuff on place to help boost your ego and deal with the negative thoughts. CBT ultimatly cares less about the specifics of the issue and all about managing them IYSWIM. Knowing the issues -> acknowledging they overflow into other things -> recognising patterns of behaviour -> modifying reponses to triggers.
I guess it depends on the issues. If they can be resolved, then keep going for the talking therapy. But for me, talking wasn't helping, I was seriously drowning, knew my issues (some of them I could resolve, some I couldn't) and just couldn't see a way forward. Meds helped stabalise me, andd then boost me, and CBT gave me a way forward.
I'm by no means an expert on mental health, but your pattern of 'mentalness' seems similar to mine. I didn't feel classically depressed, in fact, my mood mostly was OK, with episodes of feeling totally "mental". I had a heady mixture of anxiety and depression... But my key word there is "OK". Ok isn't "good" and "good" is where you should be. You def. have the right to feel good.
Most of your worries re: baby are totally normal. We all get these. BUT mention them to counsellor and if you're finding yourself unable to rationalise your way out of them, then you should be thinking of adding something like CBT to your arsenal...but if you're not ready for it, then you're not...
...and always come back to MN and vent. Better out than in.

thanks, i feel a bit better reading all this.
You have all just helped me vent, I will see my counseller not next week unfortunately becuase she is fully booked, but the week after. So I will say all this then, I hope you are all well xx