I dont know how to deal with overbearing family

[Faybells]

Hi. I am 38 weeks pregnant and having difficulty coping with my DH's overbearing family. His family is very large and 'full on'. I am close to my family but more reserved. I have never had trouble adapting to life within another family dynamic, but since being pregnant, things have been intense!

As my due date approaches I really feel that I would like some privacy & peace & quiet during the first weeks at home. I totally expect there to be visitors, of course. But my family know me, and understand that I will want time with new baby & DH alone, without me having to request they give us a bit of space. But I know that my DH's family cannot wait for our baby to arrive & will be round as much as possible. I am feeling very claustrophobic and uncomfortable.

I feel I am being unreasonable - my MIL was disappointed when I explained that I only wanted my DH & mum to be at the birth & I truly felt bad for her being left out, which left me feeling guilty & awkward. My FIL keeps talking about how much he wants to see the baby and hold him & feed him - which is lovely but I cant help but feel instantly protective of my baby - I havent held him yet, & I really want some time to get to know him. Plus, I want to breastfeed & I'm concerned they do not understand how this can take time to establish & requires some privacy - I feel they are so excited about the baby that they do not understand my feelings. My BIL is taking the first week off work after baby arrives - which makes me panic!! Why does he need so much time off?? I am really scared that they will turn up daily, unanounced & I dont know how to explain how I feel. I have tried to talk to DH & he agrees that family are full on. But not much help in reassuring me that we can avoid the inevitable.

Don't get me wrong - I am lucky that we have such caring families around us, and I am grateful. I just feel nervous about being a first time mum and scared I will offend if I request some privacy. Does anyone else feel this way?

I can't speak from experience (my DH's parents are dead and his DB and DSIL couldn't care less about me or our children!), but you really do gave to put your foot down, in the nicest possible way. You're right, BF can be tricky to establish and you need your privacy. But apart from that, you need to be resting when your baby sleeps and really, really, really don't need visitors every day. So no advice really, but I'm on your side!

And at your MIL expecting to be at the birth.

Your DH is going to have to Have Words. Your BIL's taking a week off- presumably he thinks he's going to take up residence in your house to coo over the baby and be waited on hand and foot. I think your PIL sound like they have the potential to do the same. It sounds like you've just passively gone along with it all for a quiet life. Now's the time to start asserting YOUR wants and expectations of them, because this is about YOU, not them! They get to come round when you say, they hold the baby when you let them and hand him/her back the second you tell them to.

If you feel it's sort of gone too far to start laying down the law at this stage, remember you can always disappear off to your bedroom with the baby. This will help you bond, establish breastfeeding etc. It's so much more comfortable to do that when you have (male) visitors, anyway. Your DH's job is to keep them the fuck away from you during this time- if you're upstairs BFing, nobody is allowed in to keep you company unless you specifically want them to. If they don't like waiting downstairs for you, they can keep themselves busy with a bit of cooking, washing up and a few loads of laundry, can't they?

You only get to bring your firstborn home from hospital once and it's such a special time- please get your DH onside and make sure your PILs' excitement doesn't ruin it for you.

oh, i feel for you, i had exactly the same fears when I gave birth to DD 3 months ago. DH's family is very close/overbearing (depending on your viewpoint) and I was not at all comfortable with their expectations.
The best thing I think you can do is explain your feelings at length to your DH and rely on him to manage the situation and the ILs expectations. It needs to be his job as a) you've got enough to think about already and b) it's his family so will be better accepted from him.
I would also suggest that your DH has a serious chat to them all BEFORE the birth. In our case DH waited until MIL & FIL turned up at the hospital 6 hrs after I gave birth, after he had specifically told them to wait until the following day. Cue big arguments and DH "not speaking" to his parents for a few weeks. Which in a round about way actually gave me the peace and quiet I needed, but I wouldn't recommend it as a solution!
Remember this is about you, not them, and don't be afraid to make your wishes known.
Good luck and congratulations on your pregnancy.

Do they have a key? If not unplug the phone , don't answer the door and snuggle in bed with the baby
How bizarre for bil to take a week off work

Talk to DH, set a "no visitor" window, maybe a week. Wear pyjamas for as long as you like and don't feel obliged to get up or dressed for anyone. Your bedroom is obviously out of bounds for anyone but dh and you. Rest, feed etc in bed and if they insist on turning up, they can do housework until baby is ready to see them, which may not happen if he is tired or hungry.
I would also be inclined to nip FILs comments in the bud and explain that you will be feeding baby only the best milk, so unfortunately he won't be able to feed him. Would he take a joke about how he's going to have to start lactating?
As for MIL at the birth, what an intrusion! Don't feel guilty, she has no right. Explain the hospital only allows 2 birth partners and you want your mum. Besides, dies she really want to be sworn at and watch you crap yourself?
YANBU, obviously.

How bizarre for your BIL to take a week off. Weird.

Your DH needs to stand tough.

Your BIL is taking a week off?! That is very odd indeed!

Have your DH tell them all to back off and that you will be in touch once the baby is born.

A word to the wise, for the first two days, assuming the birth isn't too traumatic, you will have loads of adrenalin pumping through you and that is the best time (IMO) to have visitors. The baby will probably also be sleeping loads. Yes, there is breastfeeding, but with luck the baby will just sleep in someone's arms the whole time (and then feed all night).

Day 3 and after is when you feel tired, boobs on fire, baby feeding lots, hormones dip.

So it might be a good plan, if you can, to see close family sooner rather than later. You also then avoid them hassling you for the first visit. You might want to stay in hospital the first couple of days and have them visit you there, where visiting hours are controlled.

Ultimately it is what YOU want that matters and you won't know until the baby's born. Get your DH on your side and stick to your guns.

YANBU. Good luck and enjoy your new baby!

Thanks so much! I have spoken to DH but he seemed a bit offended and also said we needed to get through labour first before we start worrying about how they'll behave afterwards. Not impressed with that comment!! Which has ldeft me feeling resentful towards him, which is terrible as we have such a good relationship and my PIL are causing a rift in a normally very content partnership. I totally agree we need to nip it in the bud now. But I'm struggling!!

To make matters worse (for PIL anyway), I've asked my mum to come and stay for a few days after DC arrives, to support me with breastfeeding and help around the house. MIL is clearly very jealous about this and I think she sees it as my mum getting to hog the baby! My MIL is not on the same page as me with regard to breastfeeding and I just dont think she understands how important those first few weeks are. Again, I've explained, but am left feeling guilty and awkward for MIL, when really I just want to not worry about how THEY feel and just enjoy having a new baby in peace and quiet.

I am going to try and discuss again with DH, but really glad that to have your comments and support. So emotional at this stage of pregnancy, it's hard to think clearly sometimes!! lol.

Thanks again for all your comments.

Why don't you talk to your MIL and explain how much help you will need when you Mum goes home, as you won't have your Mum then to: do the washing, washing up, hoovering, tidying up, cooking, shopping and generally waiting on you hand and foot. Maybe she'll offer to help, but maybe she'll realise your Mum won't be there to cuddle the baby. I would also make it clear: no visitors apart from 1 hour from Grandparents the day after the birth. I would tell your BIL the MW advises you to have few visitors for the first few weeks, so you won't be seeing much of him, so its not worth his while taking the time off work as he won't see much of you then.
You could also inform everyone loudly that babies do not arrive according to schedule.
I would also not worry about bursting into tears on your DH. Being emotional is nothing to be ashamed of. Maybe your MW could have a word with him too?