Mother in law from hell :(

[justhayley]

Hiya I'm 13 weeks pregnant & have been with my partner for 7 years. Since we moved in together 3 years ago she has decided to full on hate me. We used to get on but a few years ago he became sick - thyroid from travelling - he almost died and she blamed me for not noticing he was seriously sick earlier (even though I got a doctor to do a home visit & was told he had travellers belly, and it wasn't serious)! he recovered for a few days during which time I flew to Australia for 3 weeks, whilst away he became really sick again. Whilst he was in hospital she firstly lied to me & was picking up his phone saying he had left in at her house so I didn't no he was unwell. I had a feeling something wasn't right and after abit of investigating my mum found out he was in hospital and was visiting him whilst I was away. I spoke to his mum most days to get updates and to see if I needed to fly home, she insisted everything was ok and I shouldn't worry. when I got back she told him that I only spoke to her once and didn't bother to call again to see if he was alive or dead! so that's a bit if background - and after that my relationship with her has been pretty non existent.
I'm now pregnant and of course it's really important to my partner for me and his Mum to get along.
He told her about the pregnancy last week and she hit the roof. She said I'd trapped him, that I got pregnant for his money (he got £7,000 a few months back when he left his job, hardly a life changing amount worth getting pregnant for) lol.
Anyway she was super nasty and even refused to look at our scan photo :(
My partners in the Army and isn't around for a few weeks but thinks maybe I should write her a letter and explain that I'm not out for his £7,000 lol and I havnt trapped him etc etc etc.
I really don't no if I can bring myself to do it.
I want things sorted but she's such a cow and always makes every situation about her - even my pregnancy! I don't want to have to explain my baby and I no what she's like before I know it I'll be apologising for even being pregnant!

Shall I be the better person and contact her for my partners sake, or wait, and if she doesn't want anything to do with the pregnancy or baby then that's her choice and get loss?

We are really happy about the pregnancy and she's really putting a downer on things :(

Any advice welcome and sorry for the super long post!

Xx

Personally? I wouldn't be writing her a letter explaining a thing, it doesn't appear that it would make a bit of difference.

What I think should happen is that your DP should step up here, and for both of your sakes tell his mother that neither of you have to explain a bloody sausage to her, you are adults and that you and he are very happy about the baby and she's going to have to get over herself and stop behaving so bloody disgustingly.

I'd grit my teeth and write the letter, possibly even pass it over (via email?) to your OH to have a read through before its sent.

This would in a small part be a peace offering, but also to show that you have the higher moral ground and show willing in front of your partner. Keep it short and simple and remind her that this is her grandchild not just the pregnancy of a woman she doesn't like. It may have no effect, but at least you will have tried.

x-posted with Flisspaps: I wouldn't mention anything about money or trapping though, just say something like you hoped she would celebrate the expected new grandchild with you.

I totally agree with Flisspaps, don't write the letter as its just playing into her hands and giving her something else to retaliate to. Your DP should stick up for you completely and tell his mother that if she can't be happy for you both then she should butt out. If you don't sort this now she will be a nightmare when the baby is born.

I think its your dp's job to sort it tbh, its his mother and you've done nothing wrong.

I wouldn't write the letter personally. I think your DP needs to set her straight- he needs to be the one who says 'I have chosen to be with this person, I love her, I am looking forward to having a family with her'.

I agree that you should adopt the spirit you mention of being the better person and doing what you can to keep channels between you open in the hope that the situation can improve over time.

And I also agree with other posters that your DH is key in this. What is his take on what is going on? What is he doing to smooth things and set a better future? I would caution against your making any initiatives until you have had a change to talk it through with him thoroughly (and generally I think that the next steps might be better from him anyhow - it would help if he keeps telling her unambiguously how happy he is).

I wouldn't go over the past; this is about your future.

At some stage you might have to acknowledge there is no hope of change, but I think trying to put things right, now and when she has a new grandchild, might just bear fruit. But make sure your DH is supportive (and ideally around to help you) and is doing his bit in the persuasion campaign. And do be ready to suspend (or even terminate) your efforts if it really does become intractably difficult.

How clever of your partner. To give her more ammunition against you while he remains her golden boy out of it.

Do not even think of contacting her. She is nothing to you. You are in a relationship with him not the random bunches of DNA strings he is associated with.

If he wants the situation to change, he changes it. By telling his mother to butt the fuck out.

If he can't or won't do that, then you've got more problems on your hands than your mother-in-law.

I dont think you should write a letter, or get in contact again. It's your DP's job to deal with his mother, not yours. If she wants a relationship with her DGC, then she can have one, but it's up to her, not for you to try and convince her.

Look, you said she makes everything about her, so stop letting her. If you start writing letters, trying to justify your relationship, you are giving her control, you are saying that her opinion on your relationship matters, it doesn't and she needs to realise it. The only person you need to convince you love DP is your DP. As long as he knows how you feel about him, it really doesn't matter what she thinks. At all.

Quite frankly, i'd be telling DP (when he gets back, he's got better things to worry about right now) that you are waiting for an apology from his mother, he should be reading her the riot act for even suggesting you're only with him for his money. If it's important to him that you get along, then it's her behaviour that needs to change, not yours.

Give in on this, and you'll be putting up with her shit until she dies. Mark my words.

Hell no, don't write the old boot a letter.
His mother, up to him to sort her out.
If I were you I would have nothing else to do with her until such time that he speaks to her and makes clear her behaviour is unacceptable.

I wouldn't write the letter, as others have said she will only use it as ammunition. I do believe in this situation that your DP needs to step in and have a word with your mother in law, either be nice and be involved in your lives or stay away. I hope you resolve the sitauation! x

Seriously, don't bother writing a letter. She's not worth the paper/ink/stamp if she's treating you like this.

She sounds like a tw*t, and one worth avoiding.

She's your DPs mum, not yours. Let him deal with her. There's no reason for you to have anything to do with her and if she expects to have a relationship with her grandchild then he can deal with that too.

dear OP,
Here is a fact I learnt the hard way - people do not change, specially old people who have grown up kids. Just ignore her entire existence. Do not think about her, do not try and build bridges. To her you are evil and no matter what you do she will always find faults in you. The more contact there is between the two of you the more hurt you will feel.
However, not having contact does not mean being a bad person. You can be good to her behind her back. Maybe you can remind your DP that he should call her or remember her birthday, when our DC is born you can teach him/her to respect the grandmother.

fuck writing any letter, you need to nip her behaviuor in the bud, not play along with it.

your dp needs to man upo a bit too.

imo just put on a unite front, "we are very happy about this pg" which im sureoyu are, congrats btw, and leave it to her how she responses

dont let her spoil you happy time

I wouldn't write her a letter, why should you? I agree with some other posters that your DP should be stepping up here and putting his mother in her place.
I don't think he should be putting you in the position of dealing with his mother, he should be trying to facilitate reducing your stress levels, not increasing them.
This is your baby with him, she can either be happy or not, end of. You can bet your bottom dollar that when the little one arrives, she'll be all over him/her like she was always so happy.
But whatever you do now sets a precedent, you don't have to explain yourselves, you're both adults and what you choose to do in your lives together has bugger all to do with her.
In fact, the more I think about it, the more it incenses me, and I thought my MIL was bad!
I know you said your DP was away for work, well I would leave the situation as it is and let him deal with it when he gets back, even if he's away for months. Please don't let her think that this behaviour is acceptable.

Oh, and CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!!!!

A letter is her idea.

Where's your letter because if what she's done to you?

This is what I think...

1. I wouldn't write a letter
2. You and your partner should discuss and agree a way forward in dealing with your mother in law/his mother. This could involve behaving in exactly the same way she is [not recommended] or merely saying to her that you and your partner will ignore her completely until she has calmed down and is willing to talk about the impact her behaviour is having on both you and your partner, and the baby. This can be hard to do and will be hard for your partner. She has to understand that her behaviour is not acceptable. Much the same way we have to do with our children. She is behaving like a petulant child and it makes me wonder why she is doing this. What's her background. How was her childhood. What is her relationship with her son like. This will also require you to look at how you are behaving and how you are both reacting to her.

Good luck. Enjoy your pregnancy and take control of the situation.

I was in a similar situation in that my MIL hated me and my DH (BF at the time) thought I should write her a letter. I went along with it in the hope of being the bigger person and although it was many years ago I have always regretted it. People like this (and I may be projecting here!) are mostly interested in control. If you look at how she has treated you in the past, it has been about maintaining control over her son. By writing a letter you are opening the issue up for discussion. In my case I felt that it enabled my MIL to feel justified in how she was behaving and to continue to interfere. It just reinforced her feeling that she deserved to be in control and that the points she didn't like about our lives were up for discussion. This doesn't mean that you have to be aggressive to her or nasty but I don't recommend engaging. It is also worth mentioning that a letter from me meant that I was acknowledging it as my problem. It wasn't, just as this isn't your problem. His mother, his problem. Keep being polite by all means but do not engage! You and your husband could perhaps send her a card (together) with a picture from the scan, but with just a short nice note with no defence of yourselves necessary.

Time to have a chat with your partner about his priorities and intentions. He could, for example, send his mother a strong signal about how he feels about you and your growing family by marrying you.