This probably isn?t the right place to post this, so I apologise, but I need to share this in the hope that someone can either help me or that this helps someone else.
I rarely post, am more of a serial lurker but haven?t name changed even though I could be identified in RL. I?m beyond caring about this now anyway.
On Friday, I had a PROM. I was 22 weeks and 6 days pregnant. I wasn?t near home and was with colleagues so ended up at the nearest hospital, lacking my notes and terrified. I was scanned and examined. Things were not good. The deepest pool they found was 1.8cm. My DD still had a strong heartbeat and my cervix was closed. No one gave me false hope, it was explained that the prognosis for her was poor.
With no contractions kicking in, I was able to go to the hospital I am booked into and my consultant took over. She only saw me on the Monday and everything had been absolutely fine. I remember that she had smiled at me and DP, saying she would not expect to see us again and wished us well for the remainder of our pregnancy.
We were told that the gestation we were at presented a difficulty in that if we had been at 17-19 weeks, they would be recommending a termination and yet if we were at 25-26 weeks, they would be fighting all the way. It was just bad luck apparently.
I had felt some tightenings and so believing that labour would start at any time, they placed us into a special room. I was so dazed that it took me until Monday to realise that this special room was where they were expecting our DD to be born and then die. I?m not sure how I didn?t see this when the sign on the door clearly stated that it was kindly donated by SANDS. We had been told that there was an 80% chance that labour would begin within 48 hours, so I would be monitored during that time for this or any signs of infection setting in.
Two and a half days we stayed in that room, situated at the edge of the delivery suite. The midwives were all truly wonderful. With no contractions, I started to regain some hope. I searched the internet trying to find out more information about loss of amniotic fluid and survival rates. I have been on the SANDS, ARC and Bliss websites. I have read about miracles and tragedies. Me and DP swing between hope and despair, but have remained strong.
But today, I think I can?t cope anymore. We have been back home since Monday evening, waiting for a further scan, to see if the fluid has replenished. I have felt DD kicking away, but usually in the area (she can?t really move now). I have prayed to a god I have neglected since my mother died seven years ago. I am drinking enough water to fill a swimming pool in the hope that this might help (I read it somewhere).
DD1 (4 yrs) lives with her dad and we have maintained the story that I am unwell at the moment which is why she couldn?t come at the weekend. Thankfully, she hasn?t asked any questions about the baby, I am only just keeping it together when I speak to her on the phone.
Apparently AFI should be 10cm or so and below 5cm is critical. So I knew that 1.8cm wasn?t good. Today, I was scanned again by the consultant. DD is well with a strong heartbeat and is cephalic and able to stretch her legs a little. There is no AFI. The consultant couldn?t even give us a deepest pool. She estimated 0.5cm. I think my heart broke when she said that.
A paediatric registrar had already explained the importance of amniotic fluid on lung and limb development. Every piece of information given to us was geared towards the worst case scenario. I don?t think I can even remember everything said to us, now I just keep thinking our DD is going to die.
We were given the option to terminate but I am 24 weeks on Saturday, that?s when it could all change. Steroids, surfactant? We won?t be terminating. At 24 weeks, it?s a 50/50 survival rate and half of the babies who survive will have a major disability. There is no way of knowing what effect her current situation is having on her and that makes me feel so terribly guilty.
I?m scared and angry and I don?t know what to do. Apparently, nothing I do will alter the situation. I am still leaking fluid and I feel despair every time it comes out. I?m sorry if this all sounds self indulgent, but I?m trying to make sense of what has happened.
Thank you if you?ve been able to read all of this.