12+ weeks, possible downs syndrome

[FromTheInside]

I hope I'm posting this in a relevant location.

My wife (of 5 months) and I are expecting our first child together. She has one eleven year old from a previous relationship. We had our initial scan three weeks ago and had the pregnancy put back a week due to the size of the baby and had another scan rescheduled for two weeks later (which took place last Monday). After having an emergency appt at the hospital where we were told that the chances of having a baby with Downs Syndrome, we had a CVS and now have to wait another week for the results.

Obviously, we are both concerned about what the results could be and after talking about the potential outcome, my wife would rather terminate if the results show that there is a chance that the baby has DS. I, however, don't feel as if I could support that decision regardless of what disability it might have.

She also does not want anyone other than me to know about our situation. She's concerned that, assuming she does decide on a termination, people will be judgmental about her decision. However, I've told one of my closest friends what is happening as I needed someone other than my wife to talk to about things.

I'm finding it extremely difficult to cope with this situation, especially having to pretend to family and friends that everything is ok when I feel like I'm dying inside.

What a horrible situation. There's a topic on here called 'Antenatal Tests and Choices' I think, which has lots of discussions with people going through exactly the same as you. I'm sure you'll find support there.

Hi there
I'm really sorry about the situation that you and your wife are in. I don't feel I can offer a great deal of advice but I'm sure there is a topic/forum called something like antenatal choices and tests where there are numerous threads about the different tests, decisions, outcomes etc. so you mind find those helpful or informative and possibly find people in a similar situation and/or people who have taken both options of termination or keeping their baby.

I completely understand why your wife would want to keep the information private for fear of judgement but I also appreciate your need to talk to someone else. Do you think you could both see a counsellor or independent person to talk through the different options/scenarios and how you both feel about them? Wishing you all the best during this very difficult time.

Oops-took me a while to post that and have now seen someone else has beat me to it!

A CVS result should tell you for certain if the baby has Downs Syndrome or not, you won't just be talking odds at that stage, so having certain information may help you make your choices more than just a, say, one in twenty chance.
I think it is reasonable that she is worried about bringing up a child with downs syndrome, it is a massive decision, but it is a decision you will have to make together. Getting in touch with a Downs association or finding out more about the pros and cons of either decision may be beneficial.

It is a very horrible situation to be faced with and I sincerely hope that your CVS results come back clear and your baby will be healthy.

Hi, sorry to hear you predicament.

You might find the ante-natal tests/choices threads useful to look at as there are people there going through similar things who can certainly offer you support.

Whilst it is a very long wait when you're axious, please though try and remember if you've been given a 1:5 chance, there's a 4:5 chance that your baby doesn't have down's syndrome. I would be tempted to leave it there for now in terms of discussions with your wife as there's no point in crossing the bridge until you come to it. You are right to talk to a friend. Whilst I understand your wife's fears, it's your life too. She will come to understand this, even if she isn't keen on it now.

If you haven't yet been offered counselling, ask for it. Sometimes they only offer it when the CVS/amnio comes back with unwanted news, but you may want to ask for it earlier.

You might want to do some reading up on Down's Syndrome Downs Syndrime Society. Partly to give you some ideas of what it's like to live with a child and thus an adult with Down's Syndrome, though please remember this site will be very anti-termination, so approach the 'pregnancy' area with caution. But, it will give you facts about what you could expect if your baby is the 1:5 and you continue with the pregnancy.

Link to your other thread

Good luck xxx

Thank you all for your kind words and support. I'm sorry for the second post (www.mumsnet.com/Talk/pregnancy/1306852-12-weeks-possible-downs-syndrome), I tried to update this one but couldn't find a way to edit it)

what an awful stressful situation for you both to be in, and fingers crossed that you get the all clear - good luck