43 and thinking of a late baby - is it wrong / selfish? If your parents were older when they had you I would particularly like to hear of your experiences

[hmc]

I have two other children aged 7 and 9. Hanker for a baby (have done for some time).....but I am 43 and dh is 49. Would that be wrong / selfish in some way? I am slim and physically fit, eat well and drink moderately so hopefully will have a long and healthy life! .....But will my pre-menopause baby grow up to be an embarrassed 18 year old with a mother in her early sixties. Will (s)he resent me being older than his /her peers parents....?

eagle...

Will you keep trying?

my DH's mum was 42 when she had him, 29 years ago. She has said that she did find it harder (he is her 3rd) than the other 2 she had in her 30s and as a result of him being 11 and 9 years younger than his brothers he did grow up like an only child. Now that he is older it has influenced our decision to have children in our 20s as we would like her to be an active part of the kids lives for as long as poss.

Someone in our family was born to a 47 year old, and that was 70 years ago so no fertility drugs.

She thought it was the change till she realised she was pg.

Sorry it doesn't seem an option for you Riven

Perhaps I'll have to have two then Alot - because I am concerned about the age gap and the baby feeling like an 'only'. Although with house prices and cost of living as it is, it is entirely plausible that at least one of my two older children might still be at home in their 20's so still around whilst the 'baby' is in his / her teens

Not sure yet if we will try again, not sure I can go through the grief this has caused so many people not just me and dh.

Don't be put off by my experience though, so many women have happy stories t tell, listen to them :)

But I would LOVE twins for the reason Alot has said.

I had my second and last child two weeks before my 41st birthday. Far from feeling old and past it, I am sure that having my children late in life has kept me younger, at least mentally anyway! My dc have some friends whose mothers are as old as me - but on the whole people guess my age at much younger than I actually am. They don't assume a 49 year old will have a child in Year 3, so its ever so nice when people say "oh no, I thought you were about my age" when they are 10 years younger than you.

Well my parents had me at 24/25, and then died before the age of 66, so have sadly not been able to enjoy, and be enjoyed, being grandparents for very long. OTOH I've had my babies (a few complications & heartache on the way) at about 38 and not far off 41. I could die in my sixties, I could be an embarrassing burden, I could be stylish and wise and fun and be bouncing along well into my 90s (The Plan). Who knows?
If you are healthy, if you could love and nurture another child, then why not?
Life is neither perfect nor predictable.

I was 39 and DH was 48 when DS2 was born.
DS2 now 13 and DH is 61.
I don't think age was a factor when they were little.
Now though?
Advantages.
DH retired early at 56 and so is home all day. He has loads of time for them and does all the inevitable running around.
Disadvantages.
Well, DH isn't as young and fit as he used to be and waaaay out of touch with what "young people "do.
The boys never used to notice that dad was a bit older but DS2 now finds it hard that his friends dads all seem to be younger and when they have the "what does your dad do?" conversation he doesn't like saying his dad is retired.

Eagle - I wish you all the best, whatever you decide

Thanks very much everyone for your opinions and experiences - I am feeling very 'game' now about having a go at ttc

Great news hmc, keep us updated by posting about poas etc

I had older parents growing up, to be honest I did find it made me stick out a bit but they were quite old in their outlook - I think my dad would have been middle aged in his 20s! Despite that I have gone on to be an older mum myself - I will be nearly 41 when DS2 is born early next year. DH is 50 :)

I am fit and in far better shape than I was in my late 20s so rushing round after DS isn't a problem. None of my older-mum friends have commented that they feel more tired than when they were younger either. DH has other older children and has said that he thinks in some ways it is easier when you are an older dad, workwise - new fathers in their early 30s will often be middle managers so getting enormous pressure from above and below in addition to the pressures (lovely though it is) of new fatherhood. Of course he is working harder than ever now to provide for his growing brood but he doesn't, for example, have to work away any more.

I have had two miscarriages, at least one due to a chromosomal problem caused by maternal age. With this pregnancy I have had a feeling that we have somehow pushed our luck - but that is because of our own history.

I do think that you need to go into it with your eyes wide open though (sounds like you are), because of the increased risks due to maternal / paternal age, and their implications eg I knew about the increased miscarriage risk when we started trying for our first but hadn't really thought about the practical side of that - how much time we lost when I had a missed mc, then left it a few months til I felt ready to try again. Then I had another missed mc between DS1 and this pregnancy. I had "assumed" I would have had my family complete before I was 40 by popping out a couple of babies in quick succession in my late 30s (I know, I know...)

On the other hand my best friend at school had a baby at 16. Her DD thought her mum and I were hideously uncool and annoying when we were both about 25 :)

My parents had me in their early 40s but this was 30+ years ago when that was more unusual. TBH I was always aware they were older not because of their outlook but because I was going to their 50th when friends were going to their gran's 50th. I spent my childhood quite worried they would die like peoples' grandparents were dying. Sadly neither of them lived long lives and I was an orphan by aged 23. Clearly it's unusual to die in your early 60s but not that unusual and my family were not lucky.

I wouldnt say don't have kids late in life but I do think people disregard to the possible consequences. You are less likely to see them produce their own families etc and they are more likely to have to care for you while they want to be out on the town. Having said that I'm obviously pretty pleased I was born regardless of the age of my parents!

I am 43 and gave birth to my third child just over 2 weeks ago. I also have a 7 and 9 year old just like you so completely understand the longing for one more baby. I would say go for it! We are all so delighted with our new DD and she really has added something special to our family already. I think you do have to be quite realistic though about the additional risks/worries that come with being that bit older. I had a termination last year because of chromosomal problems and that made me incredibly neurotic and anxious about things going wrong again throughout this pregnancy so it wasn't a particularly relaxing, happy time but it has so been worth it. I spent a lot of time before we started trying, worrying about my age, the age gap between the kids etc etc and now wish I hadn't wasted so many months. Families come in all shapes and sizes and parents embarrass their kids whatever so I would say go with what your heart is telling you and hopefully it will all fall into place.

Good luck!

Good luck whatever you decide to do.
I'm over 40 and have struggled with whether or not I want another child (I have one DD) but my DP who is nearly 50 has said he does not want another (has 2 older children too) and it has been tough. Saying that, in some ways I am glad not to have to tackle the prospect of the added risks.
A chum of mine had much older parents, Mum was 40 and Dad was 60+ his Dad passed away when he was quite young and Mum is elderly now.

As to everything there are pro's and con's. Selfish? I don't know, I think the need or want for a baby can be selfish, but the decision to have a baby and bring it up is generally a pretty selfless act for a caring parent.

I'd love another. I'm not far off 40. I've got two. I've had 4 m/c - between dc1 and dc2. Maybe we should crack on with it...............
Good luck hcm Go for it!

My sister married a man 22 yrs younger than her last year,she is now 50 and expecting twins !! She is keeping very well and all is fine for now ,she is 16 weeks.We are all quite shocked in the family as she has two adult children in their twenties.We are hoping for a great outcome,for my sis and the babies and will be relieved when the time for them to arrive is here and we know that my sister and the two babies are all fit and healthy.My mum is in her element busy knitting two of everything.Its not what i would choose for myself i have to admit ,but they are very happy together and its their life.

I would personally not try to have a baby aged 40+ because of my own experience, and of course the risks. My mum was 39 when she had me. At the time this was unusual and I always felt aware of it and quite embarrassed that they were always a good 10 years older than other parents. I never understood why my parents didn't have children earlier (simple - they didn't meet until they were 35!) and felt pretty short changed that they were older, lacking energy, out of touch and that my grandparents were already too old to have an active role in our lives. The other disadvantage is that as children you start worrying about your parents at a younger age, which is a burden. I did a lot of travelling in my 20s, conscious that by the time I was in my 30s they would be in their 70s and I might need to stay more local.

Of course, my parents did the best they could and I do love them. But I think they have found parenthood very tiring and emotionally draining.

For those reasons above, I never wanted to have babies so late myself, but I didn't get married until 34 so here I am pregnant for the first time at 35, and my DH is 45! It is not always possible to choose when you meet the right person. So now I couldn't be happier. The downside is that all baby's grandparents are now already in their 70s and while healthy, they are not particularly energetic and will probably find a baby very tiring even for a short time.

I am pleased now that it is more acceptable to have chidren later in life, as hopefully these children will not feel as I felt.

I can't speak from personal experience but my DH has a brother 10 yrs younger than him (his parents had a little "accident" hehehe) hi mum was 40 and dad was 44 when they had him...He's actually a great kid (well young man now) and I don't think felt or feels "weird" about his parent's age...he also has a very good relationship with both older brothers (12 & 10 yrs apart!)

I say go for it! Why not? :)

How lovely minstrel - congratulations!

I am not worried about the lack of energy thing as you get older since I have more energy than many people half my age! (I do a lot of running) but yes chromosomal abnormalities and other risks to the baby are at the back of my mind.....

Wow! mummylin - your sister pregnant at 50 - good luck to her and her dh