DSIL just lost her baby - how do we tell the family about ours?

[ImpYCelyn]

I have no idea how we're going to do this without upsetting people.

Some friends of ours lost a baby not long ago, so we decided from that start that we would tell no one until 12 weeks. When I was 6 weeks pregnant DBIL told us that DSIL was 5 weeks pregnant. We still decided that we would wait though, as I'm really terrified of bad news at the 12 week scan.

The scan is in 2 weeks time, but we've just heard that DSIL has lost her baby. So now we're really unsure what to do. We're going to wait until we've had the scan but we're essentially going to have to tell them that we're having a baby due exactly at the same time as theirs would have been.

Has anyone got any advice on how to approach this please? Especially for DBIL and DSIL, but I think it's going to be hard for the whole family as PIL are devastated too.

I'm really worried that it seems cruel that we've waited until we knew for sure, and like it's somehow rubbing their faces in it :(

I think it's an excellent idea to tell your DH's mum first and ask her advice.

I wholeheartedly DISAGREE with those who have said to try to tell them in person. I appreciate that this is viewed as the most upfront approach but I strongly question whether it is really in the best interests of the person/people being told the news. It forces them to have to put on a brave face in front of you and have to congratulate you. I had a long time TTC then a miscarriage. I found it SO much easier to hear news that wasn't given face-to-face, so I could get selfishly upset first, before being delighted for them and telling them so in my own time, which I always did as soon as I could after getting past my initial reaction.

There is a HUGE difference between hearing news second-hand randomly through the grapevine, and being specifically told the news by someone who is doing so on your behalf. If your MIL was to break the news to them, she would be able to make clear to them how upset you are at their loss, how you didn't want to upset them further and didn't know what the best way of telling them was, and have asked her to tell them as you felt that they would find it easier to hear coming from her. I am sure they would appreciate that you were not trying to 'get out' of having to tell them, but that you were merely trying to think of their best interests.

PS I appreciate that telling them in person wasn't on the cards anyway, just trying to say I think you're doing the right thing by phoning or asking MIL to tell them, even if you did have a choice, IYSWIM?

Tell them exactly what you have said her personallyby phone. The news will be hard for them to take, but I am sure that they will appreciate your honesty and that you are thinking of them. I lost my much-wanted daughter after infertiltiy at 25 weeks. I had two friends due at the same time who never said sorry, never contacted me. I got photos sent to me when they had their babies (i was in the UK, they in Australia). One even called her daughter basically the same name that we had. I was already taking it very hard, but had I not had a very supportive husband, well I probably would have been suicidal. Two other friends in Australia were due the same time as me. One of our group of friends called me personally to tell me the news - normally she would not call. I was devastaed, but appreciated their honesty and that they cared. They made a donation to a baby charity in my daughter's name. We were touched. In these situations there is no 'right' way to act that will make the announcement painless, but being honest will make it easier. Also, tell them before they here it as 'good news' from someone else. BTW, we still don't speak to the emailers of photos - long-term friendships that were ruined by their insensitivity.