I have suddenly found out that I am 26 weeks pregnant ...

[Ghosty]

Ha ha ha ... thought the title of this thread might have some of you looking to see if this is for real ....
Sorry ... it isn't ... for 'found out' read 'realised' and that is where I am at at the moment.
In fact my worries at the moment are so big that I didn't know in which topic to put this ... pregnancy, childbirth, parenting, relationships, breast and bottle feeding, even going back to work and childcare...
So here goes ...

1. Despite desperately wanting another baby and suffering an m/c last year - I am now wondering whether this was such a good idea.
2. Not enjoying this pregnancy at all - although I feel very lucky to be pregnant when all over MN there are people who have been ttc for years and people having miscarriages ... so feel guilty for not enjoying it ... But I feel fat and uncomfortable and sore everywhere ...
3. Am terrified of giving birth ... I am really not looking forward to it ... some days I want a VBAC and then I don't ... c/s will be easy in terms of childcare etc ... don't want a planned c/s though ... want labour ... but after reading about 3rd degree tears etc I don't want to push ...
4. And how will DS cope if I go into labour in the middle of the night ... how do I prepare him? I have never spent longer than 2 nights away from him ... what if I have to have a c/s and have to stay for 5 nights?
5. How will my gorgeous beautiful 4 year old DS cope with a screaming baby in the house?
6. This is a biggie ... I already resent the time I will have to give the baby ... in terms of time taken away from DS ...
7. What if I don't love the baby? ... it took me a long time to bond with DS and so that is why my relationship with him now is so special to me - what if I hate the baby for getting between us?
8. What if I get PND again? How can I let my DS see me in the state that I was in when he was a baby?
9. How will I cope with a baby and my DS' commitments of Kindergarten/swimming etc? It used to take me 3 hours to get out of the house with DS when he was small ...
10. What if I can't breastfeed? What if there is something wrong with the baby? What if I die during childbirth and leave DH all alone with two small children? How will DS cope without me? What if DH just can't cope with me and PND and two children and decides to pack his bags and walk?

I know I started this post in a lighthearted way but now I am in tears ... I am terrified of bloody everything now ... I am totally hormonal and cry everyday ...

I am fast heading into the 3rd trimester and can't even begin thinking about decorating the baby's room ... or thinking about things that I need for the baby ... I have developed an aversion to baby shops (The Baby Factory is the equivalent to Mothercare here and I stood outside for 10 minutes the other day ... couldn't bring myself to walk in.

I think my biggest thing is how this is going to affect DS ... how will he cope ... when he was a baby he was my only focus for months ... how can I focus on a baby this time? How do I make him know that the baby won't take 'me' away from him?

Sorry, such a big ramble and you are all probably snoring ... any tips/advice would be much appreciated ...

How do you have room for 2???????

I think that however much wanted a second baby is everyone finds it hard to picture how they can love it as much as the first. You are not alone. But love is something that grows to fit everyone. It might not be instant as you have found with your ds, but it does come.
With regard to the practicalities of having a second baby IME it was easier going from one child to two than it was from none to one.
I don't have any experience of c/s I'm afraid but you will get plenty of advice on mumsnet I am sure.
You will have time alone for ds when baby is sleeping and time for baby when ds is at kindergarten (and you will get him there in under three hours). The best times will be when you are all snuggled up together, and seeing the look of adoring amazement on your ds's face when baby smiles just for him. You are going to have rough times,sure, but there are so many good times ahead of you too.
Please try not to worry, you are going to be fine and everyone on mumsnet will be around to listen when you're not. Good luck.

Oh Ghosty, worry is horrible isn't it? You are allowed to moan about being pregnant, everyone does sometime. Having a miscarriage does not mean you are not allowed to get annoyed about being pregnant. You feel how you feel.
Your DS will cope, he may not always be too happy about the baby taking your time, but that's because he's four, not anything you are doing. You will get out of the house in under three hours because you are now an experienced mum and know what to do.
You need to have a big talk with your midwife about your birth fears. We are so lucky in NZ to have the same one right through. There is no minimum number of antenatal visits so ask for an extra one to talk this through. It's very important.
Because you have had PND lots of people will be watching out for it happening again, so there is virtually no chance you will get as bad as you were before, if you get it at all.
Our library has loads of books about bringing a new baby home for kids. Is he asking lots of questions, (apart from the fancy dress one?) He will ask you what he needs to know.
When I was pg I made myself think "right, there are two ways I can view these last months. Either I can get sick of it all, or I can enjoy doing whatever I want (apart from eating ham) for the last time in my life." You could try a similar thing and make these last few weeks with your ds a special time for both of you.
I hope some of this helps.

Can't speak from personal experience with only one beautiful DD, but my SIL said that #2 really completed the family for her and my brother. I really hope you feel the same way when the time comes.
Happy to talk some more about my home birth experience if you would find that helpful - it was very positive by the way!

Oh Ghosty First off a great big hug is thinking its way to you.

I know exactly what you mean about baby after m/c. Feeling guilty for even having doubts when before you got pregnant you wouldhave done anything to be pregnant. But to be honest the fears you are having probably would have surfaced and you would be having a hard time of it even if you hadn't had the m/c. I wanted another baby but literally cried myself to sleep yesterday, I love DD2 can stare at her for hours and wake her up just to smell her but I can't help mourning for the time and family dynamic that has now gone for ever. I think that is a perfectly natural thing though. Change is hard, no matter how hard you wanted it in the first place.

I know that DD2 is taking away time I would have spent with DD1, but to be honest having a new baby has made me realise that DD1, a long time ago, stopped being my little baby and became a girl a child with a growing life of her own outside of the home.

Is DS at kindergarden often? I have found that DD1 having a life outside the home not only has practical benefits but has made her feel that she does all sorts of special things that the little (quite boring in her eyes) baby can't. She has begun to revel in her 'grown-upness' Your DS will probably cope alot better than you think he will. Do you have siblings? I think I remember you saying that you do...do you feel that they have ever taken away from your relationship with your parents? Personally I know I hit every newborn baby in the park when my brother was born (I was a younger 2 though) but I can't imagine life without my siblings. Your DS won't be damaged and though he may get cross or find it hard to adjust its pretty unlikely he will hate the baby! He's never going to lose his mummy, but he will be gaining a sibling to go through all the squabbling, playing and companionship...and eventually a partner in crime to gang up on you

As bobthebaby said, you've had PND before...you know the enemy and thats often half the battle towards getting help. If you have had PND before then you are 50% more likely to get it than someone who has never had it before, but that still leaves a whooping 50% chance you won't get it!

I don't know about the concerns you have over another c/s, but I did spend 2 weeks in hospital with the hyperemisis and have been laid up with the SPD (and you know what thats like!) and DD1 missed me, especially at bedtime, but it gave her and DH such a good opportunity to spend time together...they just kinda got on with it. They are alot more confident with each other from their time alone.

MN will get you through the early b/f days of hell

There is (I think) always room for more love, think of all your family members you already love, the human heart and soul is capable of so much, as I'm sure yours is.

Bossanova, bobthebaby, buzzybee and Pie ...
Thank you so much for all those lovely words ...
It is just that suddenly this week it hit me that I am having a baby. I worked so hard at getting on an even keel after DS and DH and I are constantly working at our marriage that the thought of a little baby fitting into all of that just seems too big a mountain to climb at the moment.
Pie ... I have 3 siblings ... my mother always said that there was always room, and you are right, I never ever have felt that they were loved more than me ... ever ... but then I have always put my parents on a bit of a pedestal and have never ever thought that I can top their parenting ability/style etc ... I was the youngest of the 4 admittedly and I did get the very best deal ...
My DS really is looking forward to having a baby ... he talks about it all the time and we talk about how big it is now and he kisses my bump and shouts "Wake up baby!" to get it to move ... and he always says he wants a sister ... but that doesn't stop me getting a lump in my throat about him ... and that he won't be my baby anymore ...
Oh ... I don't know ... I am just all up in the air at the moment ... doesn't help when I spend the day with a friend whose 6 month old still wakes up every hour in the night ... I had forgotten about that ...
I just want to be better at it this time round than I was with DS ... I was the most shocking first time mum you have ever met ...
Anyway ... thanks again to you all for the calm words of reason ... I'll get my head round it eventually I guess - like when the baby is 12 months or so

Dear Ghosty, I bet you weren't that bad first time round, really... I, too, fear the changes that a new baby will bring. My ds is 4, like yours (he'll be nearly 5 when the baby's born, and will start school the week the baby's due - great timing, huh?). I worry about how ds will be affected. I just try and remind myself about how I thought things would never get better in those first few months with ds, then they did, and I would never be without him now. I'm sure it must be the same with a second child.

Ghosty love, don't have much time at the moment but I wanted to send you big hugs, and cyber-confidence(((((())))))))))))

Dear Ghosty, you sound so like I did a few months ago when pregnant with my 2nd (even concerning the m/c and VBAC). You obviously love your ds so much that loving another will be easy. I still consider myself new to Mumsnet, so I don't know all the details, but it sounds like you are a wonderful mother and the fact that you are having all these concerns shows how caring and wonderful you are

ghosty, so many fears! but really you mustn't worry about them. I can't reassure you about PND as I don't hae any experience of it and so many others here will give you great advice. But I can reassure you on these points:
if your ds is looking forward to the baby now, he will be delighted when it appears. my 3 yr old ds is all over the new b aby, kissing it constantly, and doing silly dances for him when he cries "to cheer him up". Small children LOVE babies. And he won't even hear any screeching in the night - my older two slept through my 5 week old screaming for EIGHT HOURS outside their rooms 3 nights ago. Christ knows how, I wish I could have done...

If you can't get out of the house in the morning, then you'll be late for kindy or swimming, or maybe even miss them. So what?! Things may be up in the air for a few weeks but it really doesn't matter. And this is your second, not your first, so you'll be much more able to cope than you were with your first, believe me.

You may resent the time the baby currently takes you away from ds now, but that is because it is an amorphous bump. When you have the baby it will be a real person that you'll love as much as your ds and you won't resent it at all. And in fact you'll see that what you have done is created a family, and given your ds a sibling and potential playmate and it will all be wonderful!

If you can't breastfeed, you will cry for 2 days and then bung it on formula (like I had to) and life will go on.

If there is something wrong with the baby you will do what has to be done and get through the treatments etc if any and cope, as I did with my ds2, and anyway chances are remote. bit like worrying about falling under a bus - we all worry, but it rarely happens!

Enormous hug, ghosty, it will all be wonderful I promise. Do you believe me?

ghosty,don't worry,i also had all those fears with my second one,you'll be fine i promise,the second baby is always easier as you're not so nervous as with the first one,i hope you feel better soon and all the messages help you
lots of hugs ((((((((((())))))))))))

Ghosty, lots of good advice on here already. I could have written a lot of your post myself in about June this year. I was REALLY scared I would resent dd not just for taking me away from my precious ds (four as well) but also for not being Tom. It had got so bad at one stage I wondered if I was going mad, I know how you feel, believe me.
Well, from the other side, I can say that four years' difference is a fab gap, even if neither of us planned it that way: no matter how close your relationship with your ds, it will only be enhanced by your new baby. Like PPH's children, ds loves "entertaining" dd and singing her songs. He makes up new nicknames for her every day - today she was Mrs Carrot.
And honesty compels me to admit that our ds has been used to a bit too much attention and spoiling, but he still doesn't resent the baby (much).
What you are feeling is terribly normal and scary. But I promise you after all you have been through your heart will sing the first time you can say "the children" to anyone. Big hugs, take care.

Ghosty - all the worries you have at the moment are totally normal. You just cannot imagine how a new person is going to fit into your family but they do. Mumsnet is absolutly brilliant n the most part but it can make you obsessive and there is some worry inducing information here regarding birth. It might not be a bad idea to have a break for a couple of days at a time. I have spent the best part of today searching about red and green santas for dadslib's benefit. Not the most fruitful way to pass the day . Had far more important things to do i can tell you. You will be fine and you will make a decision about delivery that you feel happy with at the time. Support will be here when you need it. Avoid the threads that make you concerned. Enjoy the rest of your pregnancy - it will be over before you know. You will be so enthralled with your new baby and so will your ds. Take care, mears

Ghosty, can't post now as really HAVE to go to bed (nearly midnight, after very busy day). BUT.....you are me, pre DS2. Will post in the morning (evening for you?) but couldn't not post at all. You are going to be fine....trust me!

Ghosty, nothing to add to the great advice here already except to say I think I understand a bit about how you're feeling, being a panic pants this time round too. So just to say I think it's normal and thinking of you.

Its amazing that you can love sucessive children as much as the first. Your 4 year old will be as proud as punch.

you will cope fine with two as ds will be a little helper - honestly its much easier the 2nd tim. If you cant bf then bottle feed - really not a problem.

It snatural to worry - everyone is the same.

Ghosty,

I hadn't forgotten about you - feet have barely touched the ground the last few days. MIL and FIL due any second now, to stay for 5 days so I will be brief.

AS everyone has said, all your fears are perfectly normal (I was convinced I would die in childbirth too...I think that's part of second time nesting instinct, you're subconsciously leaving things in order as you're imagining your dh, holding the new baby, standing with your child at your funeral, weeping by the graveside. Hormones, eh?) Brilliant postings already on most of your worries so I will mostly address the PND. I had it severely with ds1 and was petrified I would get it again. I did. BUT...it was nowhere near as bad second time around. I knew I could and would feel better, whereas 1st time round I couldn't see a light at the end of the tunnel and really thought my life was over. Plus, somehow, no matter how shit you feel, you carry on functioning for your eldest. It may not be the best quality parenting but I didn't disintegrate as I did with ds1. I started on anti-d's when ds2 was 6 weeks old, and things steadily improved from that point on. AND, I bonded immediately with ds2, it took months with ds1.

Plus, second time around, you don't have that psychological shock that you have the first time. I was terrified of ds1, had no experience of new babies, couldn't understand why he cried so much, and the lack of sleep just knocked me for 6. Second time round, still zombified from lack of sleep but at least you know it's coming this time

Your eldest doesn't get as much quality time, of course not, but you are giving them such a great gift, one that (God willing) they will have for a lifetime. They have an ally who will understand exactly how nutty their parents are, and to share all those childhood memories with.

You will be fine. Cross the PND bridge if/when you come to it. You're far better prepared this time around, and you've already learned the greatest parenting lesson..we're all just winging it and pretending we know what we're doing (it fools our children til they have kids of their own )

I have enjoyed DS2 in a way I never did DS1, I adore them differently but equally, and I feel like a much better Mum to two than I ever was to one.

Oh, and not doing this in any sort of order, I had never been away from ds1 til I went to have ds2, and then I was in for three nights. I missed him like mad and he didn't miss me at all..when he did come to visit he was bored after 5 seconds and wanting to leave. I'm sure your ds will be fine too.

I know I haven't covered everything but I've rambled on enough, I think (not good at brief!).
Basically, you will be fine..it's going to happen, it will be hard (especialy those first 8 weeks or so), but you'll muddle through and cope, and you'll even manage to enjoy most of it..honest.

HTH a bit.

I felt the same about loving my 2nd child but literally the moment she was out I fell in love with her. I too worried about leaving ds - I was cosleeping with him and you can imagine how I felt leaving him alone for the first time overnight. I was always hoping I'd go into labour first thing in the morning and be back home by evening. As it turned out I was 2 nights away and he slept with dh and was no bother. Even though he was 2.9 he understood that I was coming back. by the 3rd night I had him back in bed with me but with just the addition of the little one on the other side.

Do what you can about the worries that you can act upon (which is sounds like you are diong already) to be well prepared. The things you can't do anything about don't worry about (they may never happen). I found it best to focus on ds and to think about all the things we could do together and to just appreciate it.

Good luck

Ghosty, there is very little I can add to these amazing messages except to say that after the first few chaotic weeks it's amazing how you can deal with two. Not all the time, and not perfectly - but the big ones DO understand and forgive you for that. You don't return to that first shell-shocked chaotic inability to do anything because you've learned how to cope, and you recover that knowledge.

I found the first few months of my second baby difficult, but not impossible. They were probably easier than the first few months of my first; and most importantly I knew (at some level) that I would come out of them into the sunshine that my older daughter beams continually into my life.

And most of all, I look at my beautiful baby and I know I did the right thing. I love her more than anything - except her sister.

Lots of love, Ghosty.

((((Hugs)))) Ghosty, I was going to post, but Bossanova, among others, said everything I was going to say, and far more eloquently.

You're allowed to have worries, and it will all work out....we're always here to listen. Best wishes.

Ghosty- you are an absolute sweetiepie and your kids are lucky, lucky, lucky. PND and c/s versus vaginal birth and finding room for 2 and resentment of change and pregnancy discomfort and every thing else you mentioned are not not not going to make you a bad mum, you know, even if ALL of them should come to pass, which I'm sure they won't. I'm absolutely not saying they aren't horrible worries to deal with- all my sympathies, hon and I'm so sorry things are difficult right now. But with utter confidence I will say this: Some things will be hard and some joyful but if your kids don't look back as adults and say "Our mum is a star and she did right by us" I will eat my computer keyboard. Honest.

Wow ... you have all been so lovely that I am almost speechless (almost )
All your advice and comments have been so comforting and I do feel a lot better to see that what I am feeling is normal ...
I had a bit of a chat with DH about it yesterday and asked him if he was worried at all and he said that he would rather not think about it at the moment ... which tells me that he is a bit concerned. I put him under so much pressure last time - he would have lost his job if it hadn't been for a very understanding boss (he couldn't work properly for 6 whole weeks).
And recently he has been talking to a friend whose wife has got bad PND and I overheard him saying, "Yeah, I understand mate, you feel that she has been abducted by aliens ... "
I am so determined not to screw up this time (I really would like to grow old with my DH ) that I will keep talking to you guys (if that is ok )
I have had a little chat with a couple of friend face to face but I find pouring my heart out on mumsnet so much easier ...
Thanks again everyone ... every time I have a panic I will come back to this thread and re read it to make myself feel better ...
Like I say everything that everyone has said has made a difference but particularly thanks to Mears re. birth worries, PPH re. screaming baby in house, Marina re. baby NOT being the one I lost, Marthamoo re. PND ...
And well, ScummyMummy ... you had me in tears with your lovely lovely words ... and I am still blushing (saying 'Aw ... gee ... shucks!) ...
Lots of love to everyone ...
Ghosty