Threw a total wobbly!

[susanmt]

I was due to fly to Inverness today, to go to hospital to have a kidney stent put in, to stop my kidney stone problems, get me off the pethedine and so make things better for the baby due in 8 weeks.
I flipped at the airport when it was time to board the plane. Totally flipped, got hysterical, clinging on to dh and the kids and in the end they had to remove my bag from the plane and let dh take me home. I just couldn't face (1) travelling on my own - a 1/2 hr flight!! (2) having to turn up at a hospital where I know no-one and dont know where to go etc on my own (3) I am freaking out about the operation, mainly I am terrified of the anaesthetic (4) I have a lot of questions I need to ask both the urologist and the obstetrician as I am being put under a lot of pressure at my normal appointments to deliver on the mainland which I really dont want to do.

I used to do this a lot when I was seriously depressed as a student, but it is literally years since I did. Even through PND twice (which was serious enough to put me in hospital) I never did this.

Dh now has to take tomorrow off work to take me there in the car on the ferry as I cant get booked on another flight, and he is going to stay until the operation is over then go home Thursday evening and I will fly home on Friday. But it is a real hassle for him to do it and I feel about an inch high and very, very silly about it all, although there was nothing I could do, I just lost control. I frightened dd I think (she's coming up 4) and she's been really cuddly today, keeps asking if I'm alright.

I'm sure its pregnancy, plus I am in a lot of pain and not getting a lot of sleep, which the op should fix. I'm terrified I'm going to get badly depressed again - I know I am on the way down and am already on the antidepressants, but it scares me to think how low I could go - cos I've been pretty low before and had to spend several weeks in hospital and have ECT - that was the last time I was out of control.

Just wanted to get it off my chest really, and wondered if anyone else is acting totally out of character and having ridiculous fears about things - because I think I am going crazy.

susanmt, sorry you've had an awful time. Yep, I'm mad too! Well, not quite, but getting there in terms of fears that weren't there before (see my thread on fear of childbirth and death etc if you want the detail). FWIW, I don't think your fears as listed 1-4 above are that irrational though, they sound reasonable to me and it seems completely normal to want your dh to come with you and to feel supported in a strange place at an unusually emotional time. So flipping out about this and feeling unable to go through with it doesn't seem that weird to me. But maybe you should wait and see what someone who isn't pregnant and hormonal says! I'd say the combination of pregnancy, pain, lack of sleep and fear are all enough to make anyone worry and panicked tbh so maybe you could wait and see how you feel after 1) the operation and 2) the baby arrives before you worry too much about how low you can go. Just because it's happened before doesn't make it happening again a certainty. Thinking of you.

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Podmog, thanks for asking. I was putting this on my Nov/Dec thread but thought I'd do it here as well.
Dh took time off work to take me to Inverness (I don't drive) with the children. It made me feel a whole lot better to have someone with me. The hospital was great, I got a side room, was very well looked after, no arguing over pain releif or anything which has been a problem in hospital in the past.
The operation went really smoothly. They were able to do it under a spinal, which took away one of my big fears. Hats off to anyone who has had an epidural, because I thought it was ghastly and hated the fact that I didn't know where my legs were without looking! And they had the screen for the cystoscope angled so I could see my own insides - urgh! When I pointed it out they moved it. The stent went in without a hitch and he also flushed out some stones which were obvious. I remembered all the questions I needed to ask, of both the surgeon and the obstetrician, and also had a great chat with the anaesthetist about coming off the pethedine. I cant do it all in one go, I have to do it over 2 weeks as withdrawal is bad for a baby even when it is still inside. I feel like a total junkie taking drugs for the shakes!
I got out on Friday and my Mum was able to come up and meet me from hospital (dh plus children had gone home on Thursday, having had lots of fun and gone to the cinema - we don't have one on the island and it was their first trip (for the kids) to see Finding Nemo and they loved it.
So hopefully now the rest of the pregnancy should be pretty straightforward, and all the specialists I saw said there was now no reason why I shouldn't give birth locally, I don't have to go to the mainland.
I have to try and get on top of the panics I am having about coping with anything without dh in the background to bail me out. I had a chat with my GP today about it and she said that they should be able to refer me for CBT in the new year (which I have had before and which was a great success) after we've settled in with the baby. I have given myself a big fright, not managing to cope, but there's no huge hurry to sort it out.

And to top it off - the op has been a huge success, I've got hardly any pain at all, just a need to urinate VERY frequently. But there no blood in my urine - its been pink in the toilet bowl for months - and the lack of pain is just the most amazing freeling!!!!!! I'm so glad I had it done, and hopefully I'll be able to enjoy the last 6 - 8 weeks of the pregnancy - I might even be able to get organised.

Thanks for asking, and for listening while I have grumped on for the last months. Hopefully I'll be a bit of a happier susan from now on!

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