Pregnancy, childbirth and fear after the death of a parent (sorry, long)

[WideWebWitch]

I think what I'm looking for here is confirmation that what I'm feeling is normal and any other advice anyone has for dealing with it. I was close to my dad, who died 2.5 years ago. At the time ds was 3 - now he's just turned 6. I'm 35 weeks pregnant and have a new partner (ds is ex dh's) who is wonderful. I was with Dp when my dad died - we've been together about 3 years and he supported me through it. This baby is very much wanted and planned although I've had an emotional pregnancy. I did last time too though and no-one was dead!

But as I've said elsewhere, I'm scared of childbirth this time - much more than I was last time. I think this is for several reasons:

• I'm older and I now know that childbirth hurts. A lot. Although I had a straightforward home birth last time and would like the same this time, I am far more aware of all the things that can* go wrong and worry about them far more. (I do know intellectually that the second time is likely to be easier).
• The midwives and GP I had in the first part of my pregnancy said a lot of negative things to me about birth (homebirth mainly) and it made me worry even more than I already was. BUT we've since moved house and my new midwives are supportive and positive about home birth. From what I've seen so far I have a lot of faith in them. I am aware that maybe some of my feelings and fear are tied up with my buried grief. Although I am a lot better than I was a couple of years ago, I think maybe you never get over the death of a loved parent. By that I mean that you are never the same person again, not that I think you grieve indefinitely. I know that in terms of grieving I've moved on a lot* since 2001 but being in the city where he died has stirred up a lot of memories, plus of course, all my emotions are heightened by being pregnant.

When I think about giving birth this time I am filled with fear. Often when I start talking to dp about it I cry. I'm not sure exactly why, except that I had a lot of negative stuff put into my head by the previous midwives and my GP (i.e. the word "DIE" was mentioned a lot) plus I acknowledge that my dad's death is in there too. I'm not miserable all the time, not at all, and I manage quite well not thinking about the birth (it's not quite denial though!) a lot of the time. So I think if I'm depressed (as was just suggested by a counsellor on the phone) it's about this subject alone and isn't affecting the rest of my life (i.e. I can laugh, be happy, sleep, eat etc. etc).

I've just spoken to a counsellor who specialises in pregnancy and childbirth and I have a session with her later this week. It's a 1 hour trial session at the end of which I go away and decide whether or not to see her again. I have also contacted the local home birth support group and will try to go to their next meeting. The NCT have just given me some numbers of yoga teachers so I might see if I can fit a couple of yoga sessions in. I am also trying to get a doula and am waiting for some to call me back. But I only have 5 weeks left and there's a limit to what I can do in this time!

Does anyone have any wise words or other suggestions? Is there anything else I could do? I'm wondering about writing this all down in more detail (I know, could there be more detail? ) too and trying to examine what else might be at the core of some of my negative beliefs. I also need to think about some positive things so I think I'll write those down too. Has anyone else felt like this? How did you deal with it? Was the fear worse than the actual event in the end? Any wise words much appreciated. And well done if you've read this far, sorry to go on for so long but writing it down has helped a bit. All advice appreciated, even if it's to tell me to pull myself together and stop being so wet.

Whatever you feel WWW is valid; you have a right to your feelings, whatever they are.

I can only comment on one thing -- yes, childbirth hurts A LOT, but it's a pain you can live through; you have the proof that you can live through it because you lived through it before; you CAN do it again.

Maybe life wouldn't be worth living if it didn't have some scarey and painful moments.

www...you're not being wet!!!

I can't say anything about how your grief for your dad is tied into your fears for the birth as I have never been in this situation, but I can relate to alot of the other things you said.

I too dreaded the birth of DD2 and I too had a different partner this time round. ITs amazing how, basically, naive I was the first time round. It didn't occur to me how many things can go wrong, but once I met DD1 and say how precious and dependent she was I felt I had been so blase...NOT to say that anything will go wrong at all...just that my perspective changed.

And I was so SCARED about this last birth, that some sort of lasting damage would be done, that the pain with the SPD and the birth would be so bad that I would lose it (more than anyother 'straightforward' birth iykwim, trust me I lost it though!!)...but it was fine, it was better than I could have ever hoped. Having a doula was a tremendous support, and I really hope you get someone soon.

BUT my biggest apprehension came from the fact that I was with my second husband. I don't know how much this is effecting your state of mind, I know we've both touched on it in the past, but for me this is where most of my fear came from. I'm still freaking out about it, watching DH with DD1 and DD2 and trying to see something that isn't there, I hold DD1 and start wailing. I was so scared how much it would change things, that DH would start to treat DD1 differently (he hasn't) or that he would love DD2 more (he doesn't). (just for the record DD1 has no contact with her bio-dad at all, DH has been her dad since she was 1, she's now 4).

I also felt that I was some sort of birth virgin as it was all uncharted territory with DH. I mean when working out the risk of pre-eclampsia they say that when you change partners the risk goes right back to the same as your first pregnancy, no matter how many babies you have had before.

I can't imagine how damaging your previous GP's word must have been, but you should be proud that you have already had one home birth and build on that achievement.

Sorry if my ranting about the different partners is totally off track.

xxxx

Www, that was a really moving piece of writing. I think we all get these kind of fears from time to time and that pregnancy brings them to a head, as does the death of someone close.

So yes, you're normal.

If it helps, I was more worried last time than I am with this pregnancy, almost to the point of being death-obsessed. A close friend had died just before I got pregnant and I just couldn't stop thinking morbidly about the fragility of life, both when I was pregnant and when dd was tiny. When she was born, all I can remember thinking was "blimey, she's alive". The only thing that helped at all was researching statistics (because the chances of anything awful happening are very small) and actually forcing myself to relax - something I don't do often.

But I think we all need to work through these things in our own way. Writing down the positives certainly sounds good. And maybe doing something positive to remember your father too, or even just throwing yourself into "nesting". but whatever it is, it has to come from you.

All the best anyway.

Can?t post much at the moment but understand very much the death and birth thing. My dad died 14 years and I can still cry very easily at his memory. The thought of your kids not knowing a wonderful grandparent is awful. Also, think more knowledge = more worry sometimes. I live in a permanent low- key state of dread at the future death of my mother. I know just how bad it will be. But, at least with birth, the worst is first. Labour doesn?t really last very long, and things don?t usually go wrong. Wish I could think of something more useful to say except I do know the feeling. Hypnosis may help during labour though, know someone who tried this successfully

WWW - my beloved mum died 4 & 1/2 years ago, and I think you are right. You never get fully over the death of a loved one, you just adjust to it. Pregnancy/birth is such an emotional time anyway, it's not surprising that it brings on heightened feelings r.e. bereavement. It certainly did for me when I was expecting dd. Don't beat yourself up about it.xx

WWW - just wanted to send love and hugs - would email you but dp has ahem 'fixed' the computer so it can't send emails...I'm not trying to denigrate your feelings, not AT ALL, but to say that I think that biology - as opposed to psychology - is on a very different track than the one you fear. I'm quite sure your birth and baby will go well at home.

Winch in all the available help/support you can at the moment - including us. Get on the phone to anyone you need to, at any point. You have everything in place for the sort of birth you want - yes of course you don't know how it'll go in practice, but you're doing everything you can to ensure that it does go OK.

Oh dear, I'm not being very coherent, am I (that's what happens when the baby's born, you see)...but you know how much I was scared of my last birth and how well it did go in the end.

www - my sister died last april and although I havent had another baby since I do know how you feel in that life and death do become different things. Life somehow seems more fragile than it used to. My sister used to help me so much emotionally and without her I feel somehow 'weak' and yet I know I have become stronger. I feel like I cope well with the greif but then sometimes just a little thing can trigger you off.

I dont think the pregnancy hormones help do they, not trying to belittle your emotions, but I was never myself especially near the end of a pregnancy. I felt more frightened with my second too, everything seemed to go wrong with my dd and I just couldnt see how different it could be - and it was fine with my ds

Just think everything was fine with your first and it will be fine with this little one You seem so sensible anyway and you are doing all the right things to help yourself. Sorry dont have many wise words I just seem to stumble through life! Hope you start to feel a bit better and more postivie about things as I am sure everything will be okay Is it you who is due on my dd's b'day? 21 Nov?

WWW - have these feeling been much stronger over the past weeks or has it always been this strong ?
I am enclined to think that 2 things would help you....

1. personal support like pregnancy counselling and/or a doula
2. aconite and rescue remedy could be helpful... they are both to deal with anxiety.

It is NOT uncommon to have great fear before an imminent birth (even I had it ) but if it is beyond the normal fear than you are right to tackle it.

Hello,

I am 35 weeks today myself - try not to worry!
I know I do worry also & have been through a few things myself.
This is my third child and I also find it more scary in ways.(I am 30
no matter what anyone says I quite fear death etc.
fear I might die or my child - or whatever! My dad is dead also , although he died when I was young.)
I think you do need a bit of help - but do not take on too much, try and relax a bit in your head.
(I am only trying it myself! But when I do try it does work!)
Best wishes,
A friend
Kerry

Thank you, thank you. Dinosaur, you're right, some of it is about confidence and I need to get mine back - I had it last time. Pie, I know you had it much, much worse than me what with the SPD and all the other stuff - makes me feel like a double wuss for moaning. I don't think much of it is about dp - I am 100% happy with him and our relationship and I know he will still be ok with ds, who, after all, does have his father and his father's side of the family very much in his life. You're absolutely right though about my previous GP and her damaging words re childbirth, despite the fact that I've since been told that she was wrong in saying it was like a first pregnancy. The trouble is I'm very suggestible atm, like a neurotic blank canvass Tinker, Lucy, Sassy, thanks for your kind words re bereavement, you're right Lucy, pregnancy does bring it all to the fore. fio2, I'm sorry about your sister. At least with a parent it is in the natural order of things but losing someone of your own generation must be hard. MI, the fact that you were a self confessed wuss and still managed it is going into my list of positives, thanks! Pupuce, it's got worse the closer I've got. Denial has served me well until now! I do think I need a doula and as you know, I'm trying to get one. Will also try rescue remedy. Hell, I'll try anything actually. Thanks for all the support, it really helps. I must remember that there's an end to all this in a few weeks' time and that it will then be worth it. Dp is being amazing and a very good listener, he listened to me rant and cry for ages last night and pointed out that it will be over soon. Thanks too Kerry and Zebra.

WWW - I think it is normal to worry about the birth - first time around we are all blissfully ignorant but this time we know what it is all about! I am so terrified that I am on the verge of asking for a C-S - at least that way in will have some control over the arrival...I am sure many people think I am mad! I also try to think that the birth is only really 1 day (at most) and should be over quickly - especially compared to 280 days of pregnancy!

Btters I think what you have wrote is so true. I remember a few weeks or maybe months after my sister died asking my husband when things would get better (he had lost his father a few years previous) and he said never, you just get used to it.

oh WWW, I'm sorry to hear you've been having such a hard time recently.
I think having these fears is part and parcel of pregnancy, my major fears this time are that the new baby will be very sick (I'm not sure why, I think maybe from a close friend who's baby died a few months after birth having been born with a serious illness) and I worry about ds coping with the new baby. I feel selfish and cruel for putting him through this trauma - stupid I know, esp when I considered him as one of my main reasons for getting pregnant in the first place.

Just wanted to make the point that I started yoga a few weeks ago - we are about the same stage in pregnancy so I think it would be useful for you. I'm finding it very positive in that I'm learning positions that I think will help during labour and this feels like ammunition I'll have against the pain that I didn't have the last time. It will introduce a bit of variety at the very least.
Congratulations in contacting the counseller, it's very brave to tackle this head on, best of luck in the coming few weeks.

www I know what you mean about fear of childbirth. I think some of it is to do with the belief that, having had one successful pg and birth, you somehow think your "luck" will run out for the second. I have known many women who felt this, including myself. As I am the woman who had the longest gap (of 24 years) between her 2 dd's, imagine how petrified I was the second time. I was frightened that I had forgotten everything, that it would be harder than I remembered, etc. Take it from me, dd2 is now 6, you will be just fine, your body will remember what to do and you will be proud of yourself!

Hi Batters, thanks for asking. I'm a lot better actually, I think. I came down in the middle of the night a couple of nights ago and wrote it all down - all my negative thoughts and their counterpoint positives and it really helped. The document was an argument with myself really, with the positives mostly winning. I've also met another of the midwives (who was lovely and supportive of home birth as well as very understanding and sympathetic about my fears), ordered a birthing pool and arranged to meet a doula in 2 weeks' time. Let's hope it's not too late and I hang on until then, when I'll be 38 weeks. I've also ordered a positive thinking birth book as recommended by a mumsnetter and have found out about a local home birth support meeting, which I'll go to if I can. I cancelled the counselling session as it was booked for my birthday and I decided I wanted to feel positive on that day. I had a great day though browsing in bookshops and being contemplative and managing to feel that all was well with the world. Talking to friends and getting it all out here has really helped, especially when people tell me they were scared second time round too. It's made me feel less of a freak for feeling like this and more accepting that it's normal and I will manage it. Lots of black humour from close friends has also helped.

Cam, you've really got a point there I think, about luck and wondering if it'll run out. It's not logical is it but it doesn't stop us feeling it. Eefs, I may try some yoga if I get time - I've got a Janet Balaskas pregancy yoga book somewhere and a yoga mat in the boot of my car so I could do some at home if there's no chance to do anything else. Grommit, thanks, I'm really looking forward to both of us posting our birth announcements.

It's really helped me realising that many, many women feel the same way and that this is pretty normal really. I want this baby to arrive now (well, not NOW, but anytime after I'm 37 weeks which is 6 days away) and excitement is just starting to creep in too - I saw a very cute 2 week old in the child's restaurant part of a pub today and just thought 'oooh, how gorgeous,' so I think I'm ready to deeply love this one. I haven't felt like this all through this pregnancy, I can tell you. Thanks for all the wise words here, they've really made a difference. I do still have worried moments but it's all a lot better than it was.

Cor, I went on a bit didn't I, bet you wished you hadn't asked