DC2 - do all fathers act like it's par for the course?

[GirlWithTheMouseyHair]

We've had big news to deal with recently, whch means our family will be moving to California in February. I'm due DC2 in November and this pregnancy really feels like it's just about me and the baby.

DH just isn't interested or bothered, has even admitted he's forgotten a few times I am pregnant. I know he's had a hell of a lot to think about the last few weeks while negotiating this contract which means we're moving but I'm feeling quite lost and alone with this pregnancy and just feel like he's not at all bothered.

He has a great relationship with DS (2.9) so I'm sure once the baby comes he'll be more involved but I am worried about it. I'm having a more difficult pregnancy this time - DS was a cinch but this has been physically harder (I feel 8.5months pregnant not 5.5) and emotionally very turmoiled (about to start CBT because my midwife and psychiatrist are concerned about me getting PND), so he's not been as buoyant as he was last time. Also he really wanted another son and we've found out we're having a girl, so he's disappointed, which is stupid because last time he really wanted a daughter then we found out DS was a boy, but he got over the disappointment by shopping for clothes and talking to dads with boys. He doesn't ever ask me about our baby or want to talk about baby names, stuff we need to get.

Is this all normal though? Is it a case of once they've been through it once they're not bothered after that? It's just really getting me down and have tried to bring it up with him but not really had a response....

My DP is the opposite. I've had anxiety problems this time too following a mmc last year amongst other things, and he has been an absolute rock for me, despite feeling a bit on edge himself for the same reasons.

First pregnancy, I don't think it really hit him properly until DS was born.

Sounds like you need to spell out to your DH exactly how you are feeling. If he's had a lot to deal with workwise, he might be burying his head in the sand about the pregnancy, leaving you to deal with it all so he doesn't overload himself, which isn't fair on you.

My DH was less excited about DC2. Less interested in feeling kicks etc.

He loves her so much now she's here.

Did you see the Scrubs episode where they pretend it is the first baby as no one cares about the second?

Yeah my DH a little less botheres about all the stuff we have to get etc and has been reassuring me a lot, if a little sharp at times for my hormones.

But he was excited more than me at the beginning I have took longer to accept pg 14 wk. I think he forgets sometimes too.

I had a mmc last year and PND, I am very anxcious and the consultant referred me to a specialist MW and CMW has offered a referral to a mental health team that is only attached to them for AND and PND. I am ok by keeping busy but whenever ive been to an appointment ive lost it completely, its been hard to get DH to understand he's very much your worrying abut stuff that hasnt happened.

Anyway thinking of the shopping stuff really cheers me up, and I wish DH could indulge my excitment about this aspect. But Im still going to hold off til 20weeks scan.

Sorry bit of background there....[smiles] sometimes it is better just to stick to the womenfolk for certain matters ive learned this.

Ive just gotten pregnant with my first, I have a step daughter and while my other half says hes made up hes no where near as excited as me - everything I talk about hes telling me I dont need or want, ive come up with a very effective solution and thats leaving him to be matter of fact while I get giddy excited with a good friend of mine! seriously dont give him a second thought I think some men are like that, find someone close, tell them whats upsetting you and let them know that you expect them to be your excitable other half x x

Well, my DH has been pleased from the start but life goes on - after all its 9 months of grumpy hormonal wife (Im not great at being pregnant!) and this time round you know how tough its going to be with another tiny one (and we have just got DD sleeping through, aargh!)

He tends to think about the hard work its going to be and forget that there will be a gorgeous baby to love. HOWEVER, we recently visited a friend who'd just had no.2, and DH really surprised himself by starting CRYING when he held her - it was just the feeling of a newborn again etc.

Since then he has been much more in touch with all the positives, esp as our DC2 is now 32 weeks and kicking like there is no tomorrow esp when s/he hears Daddy's voice! I think he now imagines a real life little son or daughter and is excited.

Ok, feel a bit better knowing its not just mine, he even said today "well its the second isn't it"....boo!

DH was decidedly uninterested second time around until the very end, when he suddenly started doing things like getting the car ready - male nesting!

Now DS is here, he's thrilled, but I did feel like I went through a lot of the pregnancy alone, nowhere near as fun for us as a couple, so I channeled my excitement through female friends.

BTW, it won't just be your DH who is less excited. After the baby's born, wait and see how few cards/presents you get compared to DC1!

I am expecting DC2 and DH is not particularly interested......but not particularly interested is a big improvement on the out and out denial that accompanied my first pregnancy (it was unplanned, as you might have guessed!). First pg, I was a mess as I was terrified about how things would turn out, seeing as how he was so unenthusiastic. But he is a fantastic dad, so this time round I feel much calmer, knowing that all should be well once the baby arrives.

Feel a bit when people talk about their DH feeling the kicks or whatever - mine has never touched my belly, and never would, I think it would freak him out. He put his arm round me in bed the other morning and nearly jumped right out of bed with fright when he realised he had laid his arm across my bump.

I can definitely relate to how you're feeling. First time round, DH was really focussed on the baby and we talked endlessly about it - this time, it seems to barely register. I think two things have changed though. First time round, we were able to channel our energies into buying things and choosing a name and doing birth prep classes - all of which we did together. This time round, we have all the stuff, already know what name it will have and feel that we know as much as we could possibly want to about the process of giving birth!

Also, this time round, we're a lot more realistic about what life with a newborn will involve, so while we're still excited about meeting our child, we're a lot less romantic about the whole parenthood experience.

Not quite as dramatic as your life change, but another factor is that we moved house early in my pregnancy and it needs a lot of work. DH has thrown himself into this with a passion - I often accuse him of going into his DIY cave - and I think his way of preparing for the baby is to make sure that all this work is done, rather than the endless conversations about birth plans that we had last time.

I can definitely also relate to feeling 8.5 months pregnant when you're only 5.5! I'm 6 months today and physically feel the same as I did at 8 months last time.

My chap has also had a lot on his mind and been really busy since about April. He doesn't bring up our baby in conversation, but I talk about him (we're having a boy) because I want dh to think about him and share some of the expectations I have etc. I know it's a busy time, but it would be really depressing to only talk about our move, or his new job (we're in a similar position except I'm only moving counties) so I say, talk to your chap as much as you can- talk about how this child will be different and what you want for her. Give her an identity, it may make her more real for him and encourage him to look forward to having another child. He probably just can't imagine what it will be like because having had a boy before if you had been expecting a boy again he would imagine it to be just the same lovely experience as he has had before.

I hope that makes sense.

Good luck and chin up!

thanks so much for the responses, I think he's been a bit beter recently, I always refer to the baby as she when we're alone to give her more of an identity and have noticed he's started to do the same too.

It's probaly a lot to do with me being way more hormonal this time too though and feeling emotionally vulnerable and DEFINATELY not romanticising the newborn stage!