What is 'usual' etiquette for mums/MILs 'coming to stay to help out' after the birth...?

[Sunshinecurl]

I feel that it is a time for me and DP given that it is our first baby but my mum seems to think otherwise. Not only did she assume that she would be there for the birth, she was apparently planning to move in for 2 weeks to 'help out' when I get home from hospital. Is this usual? (I should say that she lives about 1.5 hours away which is manageable on the train in a day...)

be strong enough to do what is best for you and your dp/new baby. When I was pg with ds, mil wanted to come over to stay on the day I was booked in for a cs, which would have meant dh missing the birth to collect her from the airport. We said no, and she was put out. She came to 'help' two weeks later - she stayed for about four days, but didn't so much as even make a cup of tea, just kept asking (and I mean kept on) to take ds out for a walk - at that stage I didn't even want ds out of my sight, let alone for mil to take him out in an area she didn't know to show him off.

It really depends on the people - when my dsis had her baby, we stayed in a hotel to give them space, and were quite happy to see them briefly when it was good for them, and other times to do their housework/shopping/pet sit for them just to help out while dsis/dbil had time with their new baby.

I empathise with your situation - I have a mother who likes to put herself at the centre of every situation that affects others and it can be very difficult. I usually roll my eyes and accept it, but when it comes to the early days of motherhood, you need to be selfish and put yourself, your DH and your new baby first.

Only you know if there are ways of getting through to your mum, but in your shoes, I would be very VERY specific about exactly what help you need from your mum. Give her a specific task that needs to be carried out (preferably from her home rather than yours) and ask her directly to do that.

Off the top of my head, you could ask her to send out the birth announcement cards for you (if she's traditional, she'll be keen to do this) - give her a list of names and addresses beforehand, and leave her to choose a suitable design and complete the wording. Stress how important it is to you that this is done soon after the birth and how you wont' have time or room to do it.

I'm sure there are other things......

my mum suggested the same as op's...there for birth and staying afterwards... i turned her down. Life with a newborn is tough enough!

Point out that your dp can help. Also that others would want to do the same (eg mil) so in the interests of fairness you'll be creating a rota. Seriously.2hrs visiting time per afternoon was as much as i could face in the early days.

If you are planning on bf you will probably want to do alot of sitting around topless anyway. It takes time and visitors get in the way of that.

Sounds like your mum is already making things difficult befor either her or the lo arrive. Time she grew up and realised it's not all about her. Good luck.

Sure you will figure it out! Your mum needs to stop playing wounded and using the gilt card on you, I would talk to her about this. Maybe she's not aware she's doing it? It's not ok to add stress by talking to others about how unwanted she feels. You have nothing to feel guilty about!

My MIL is coming to stay but she speaks only Hebrew which means we communicate only through smiles and short sentences:) And she cooks and cleans all day long so she will be a real help for us!

Oh dear, you've all put the wind up me and made me reconsider my plans!
I'm very close to my mum so we've sort of arranged that she would be there for my labour (I can't imagine going through it without her there - is that a bad idea for starters?) and that she would stay for the first fortnight to help out - and when I say help out I mean cook, clean and generally keep the house rather than take the baby off me.
Does this plan mean DP is going to feel resentful and marginalised even if she does hover in the background and makes life easy for us? She won't be staying in the house but in a hotel in town, I think.
Have people only had negative experiences where, despite best intentions, the grandmother ends up being a nuisance and a hindrance rather than a help?
It's probably worth pointing out that she lives about 6 hours away and that DP doesn't have any living parents so there's no issue with having a MiL involved...

My MIL announced the other week to me and my SIL (also pregnant but due sooner than I) that as soon as we go into labour she'll be at the hospital - she didn't even ask! I got DH to put her straight that we don't want anyone there until we tell them they can come. I don't mind her descending at will when we get home as she never stays very long as she has to go outside to have a fag. DH lied to her and said we'd said the same to my Mum that she couldn't come as we want it to be just us - it's funny as the first thing my Mum made clear when I announced I was pregnant is that I shouldn't bother asking her to be at the hospital because she'd be useless. She's very usefully agreed to come and stay at the house however and look after the dogs whilst I'm in hospital. I'm fully prepared for the fact that she'll pay more attention to the dogs than the baby, she's never been particularly maternal despite having 5 children.

I think its down to you. My MIL (and FIL) appeared at my door 10 minutes after we had been back from hospital and managed to settle to sleep. Bearing in mind I had only given birth less than 3 hours before and had two nights of no sleep it was extremely selfish of them. They then refused to leave, announcing they was staying for 3 days but they are not the type of people to be helping by any means. It was purely selfish motives. I asked my husband to tell them the second day to go home and she was always welcome to visit anytime. Rather than going home that day they insisted on staying another day, even though they knew I was tired and wanted them to leave. MIL then made a big show when leaving about how she will never see her grandchild and was in tears etc etc. Very, very selfish as she had never been made to feel anything but welcome anytime. I might have had sympathy for her but she has bearly made an effort to visit regularly or to build a real relationship with me. If fact she has made it very awkward for me at times. so I basically told my husband that she was banned for the first two weeks the next time - luckily she seemed to have lost interest by the time my second came along and did not come down for two weeks anyway - they are only 2 hours away.

Anyway If your MIL/mum is someone who will help you and make life easier for you then let her stay. If she is doing it for her own benefit and in fact making life more difficult then dont be afraid to say no thank you, we need time to settle into our own routine.

I am due in two weeks time and I feel the same as ever - she will be told to stay away until we are ready. They are a law unto themselves and certainly put themselves before our feelings - but I have to say most MILs and parents are usually very sympathic and will understand your reasons if you ask for space or just a quick visit. Good Luck with baby x

I think it's all been said already, but just wanted to encourage you to stick to your guns and do what's agreed with you and your DP. Sod everyone else - you will never have this precious time with your newborn again!

A positive story for you isabella......my sister had a long delivery and while her and her DP had wanted to keep it just to them her DH was running on empty and my sister really really wanted my mum there so Mum came down (only 10mins from the hospital) and helped her through the last few hours. Both sister and her DH were very grateful and my sister said my Mum was absolutely brilliant at supporting her, more than she expected or hoped. Mum then stayed with my sister and helped change the nappy, shower etc while her DP went back to Mums to get some rest. Mum only lives down the road from my sister and gave her and her DH space when she needed. Mum and my sister are really close now (her DH is also very close to the family) and see each other every day. Need to ask my sister what Mum does to 'help', I have a feeling its a bit of both - support round the house and taking over the baby! I am much more independant than my sister so we shall have to see!

Mum is expecting to come down for a few days when baby is born (I live 5 hours away) with all the family (mum,dad,sis,bil and their DS) and mum and dad are expecting to stay in our house. She then wants to stay longer later on. Not sure if I can cope with them all for the first few days. Feeling after these posts that maybe I can be strong enough to ask them all to stay in a hotel! Hope baby doesn't come when the Christmas Market is on here as they won't be able to find a hotel in the town

Haven't read through the whole thread but I think you should do what you feel is right for you - this is your baby and you are starting your own family now so your (as in your as a couple) rules apply :)

I am lucky to have a good relationship with both my mum and mil and so does my husband so we made it very clear that unless I end up having a c-section where I would need the extra support, we would like to have the first few weeks to ourselves - dh is on paternity leave for 2 weeks and tbh I actually wouldn't mind having the time afterwards alone with my baby (during the day) I think it is a really important phase of bonding etc and the thought of having anyone around, even my own mother, is not very comfortable. Thankfully, they totally understand and will come when it's convenient for us. My mil initially thought of planning her trip (they live a 7hr flight away) in a way which would have meant her staying with us for 6 weeks which I, very politely, refused :) and she didn't take it the wrong way at all (phew) :)
My mum said she'll pop in for a week (hahaha)

Good luck - just be honest and polite but firm! and state very clearly what you want to avoid any misunderstandings and awkward moments nearer the time

My parents visited my town when my DS was born, and visited a couple of times in the first week. My mum came back after my DH's paternity leave had finished - I told her I wanted it to be just us at home (visitors were ok) for those two weeks and she was fine with that. Having her for the third week was still more for her than me, to be honest - I did all the nappy changes and so on and she was mostly just on hand for cuddles. But I felt ok to do that. If you're not comfortable with that, just say no :)

Swimming against the tide here but, my lovely MIL came to stay for 3 or 4 days when DS1 was about 3 days old. Then came for a week with DS2 and she was here when I came home from hospital. (DS1 was still not 18mths old at that point!)

From my point of view it was a wonderful and magical time - I took all the help I could get, and I would not have dreamt of excluding her. She herself has three sons (no daughters) and I was keen , and still am, to involve her very closely with her grandchildren in exactly the same way as I would with my own mother.

I personally did not feelings of the "leave us alone until we work it out/bond with baby/get routine established" variety. I wanted the whole world to come on over and share our new family. If I was tired I just took myself off to sleep and when I came down, my cleaning was done, or lunch was made. And grandparents want to connect with this baby too!!

I think I just want to say don't assume this time has to be wholly exclusive - you could spread your joy selflessly...and it is great to have folk around to share your delight.

When my sister had her baby, Mum told me her theory is that you should always be on hand, but not actually stay with the new parents to give them some time with baby to bond etc. So, she stayed in a motel around the corner, and spent the days with my sister. Having said that though, when I have mine, if she can't stay close by I'd love to have her stay for a few days, esp when DH goes back to work. But, I think her theory makes sense too.

There's no etiquette.....it's your call but God I would have LOVED for my My Mum to have helped us.

Not once did sh offer advice or even change a nappy. My DH ent to work quickly and I was ill with the strain following a C section....no offer of asleep or anything. Those of you with willing Mums don't dismiss it right away.

Personally I think there are alot of people on here that are a bit mean to their mums/MIL when it comes to a new baby in the family.

My mum and my MIL live about 10mins away so I am not expecting either of them to stay however I am hoping that my mum will be around alot to help out. We recently moved and my mum and dad where fantastic carrying things, putting things together, shifting the heavy stuff that I couldn't etc. I know that if she came over it would be armed with lunch and the hover would be out :). Not sure on the MIL/FIL as when we moved they stayed away and when they did visit that sat and chatted over a cup of tea rather than helped, so we'll see. I can feel that MIL feels put out a bit by my mum but they she never offers to do the stuff that she does, its like she is expecting to be asked yet my mum just does. Either way this baby is both of their GC's and therefore I feel they are entitled to snuggles too :)

When my sister had her first she lived at home so she didn't have to lift a finger unless it was baby related for the first month or so.

LittlePushka - I see what you mean. I guess you could argue that we've got so caught up with the modern nuclear family ideal that we've forgotten that children used to be raised by the whole household - in as much that extended family lived closer together, if not in the same house itself. My weak attempt at sociological analysis, but there you go...

sunshinehugs - thank you for the positive story. I must admit I find it worrying that most talk so far has been of 'coping' with a grandparent's presence and being strong in the face of interference. I don't want to go into this thinking I've made a terrible choice and should be feeling resentful that she isn't leaving us alone...

I think it depends on whether your mother or MIL would come as a guest or a helper tbh.

DS3 is due in 3 weeks and I have 10 and 12 year old DSs as well, and DS3 will be appearing slap bang when the older DC are due to start new schools (we moved in with DP a few weeks ago, 300 miles from where we were before as we were long distance until then) so it is going to be a bit hectic and stressful. My DM declared that she would offered to come stay a couple of days before my c-section date, to get the boys off to school rather than farm them out or have them start late, but she is very much a 'guest' type of visitor, rather than a helper, so to save confrontation I told her we were already sorted and had a friend coming over and the DC were excited about her coming because she would be bringing her dogs and so I didn't want to change the plans and offend the friend who had offered. I made out that the dogs were the main lure, as the DC are desperate for a puppy, so it would be a nice distraction for them and that way DM didn't take offense at not being asked.

In reality I can't think of anything worse than coming home after major surgery, with a newborn, 2 kids settling into new schools and adjusting to having a new brother & my DM camped out on the sofa for a week. But as I said, my DM is a guest type, so would make more work for me and just cannot keep her negative comments to herself, so her company would do more harm than good to a nervous first time dad. If your mother is a helper and would respect your boundaries, then go for it.

H007 Yes...there are a lot of people on here who act as though having a baby is some kind of permission to exclude ad be precious and rude to relatives.

Oooh....I don't want ANY visitors for at least a month...we're bonding as a family. Well that's bloody bizarre imo. Family's don't spend every waking hour together alone. Yes a new baby is a stressful and somewhat private time but baby's are special to others in the family and it's downright odd to moan about MIL and Mum who want to know when their DD or DIL is going into labour.

I think it depends on the personnalities and relationships involved.

I think I'm lucky that both my Mum and my MIL are very approachable so I would have no trouble in voicing my desires if necessary. Plus both of them are self confessed rubbish with newborns and find toddlers much more interesting!

Completely unplanned but MIL was staying with us when DS came home from hospital (after a four month stay in the NICU) and she was a legend in cooking meals for DH and I and she even cleaned the oven - she is not good at just being a guest and likes to have something to do - hoorah!

I think the main issue is that everyone would like to decide for themselves how much 'help'/visitation/involvement they would like and when someone decides to come and stay without invitation it removes this.

A tricky one to handle successfully - good luck all who are dealing with this!

isobelle - I also agree it depends on the relationships etc.

as I say I needed mum there, but XH had said no and I didn't want to go against him, his mother was useless.

both DP's mum & mine are of the view to help is to have cuddles etc but just that help run the house while I recover. I had said no to DP for at least a week if not 2 for MIL visiting, but tbh it's really not fair on DP or MIL, for a few days i'm sure we'll be fine.

whilst I may of been the one having the baby I do feel if visitors can respect your space & also help not hinder they can be of benefit to you all. plus as I say from experience I needed support, and think DP would also need that little bit of reassurance/support from his mum - you know your family we don't so do as you feel is right.

Slightly different situation here as I am living back at my Mum's until our house purchase completes and we get some decorating done. I love my Mum to pieces and realise how utterly lucky we are to have had the option to stay with her, which also means I have not had to change hospitals (new house is the other side of London). But of course there is a however...

I know she will be great in terms of helping out if I ask, shopping etc but I get very upset sometimes that it won't just be the three of us when we first come home from hospital. I also know that despite her best intentions she won't be able to help herself with proffering advice etc...

My brothers also keep mentioning that they will 'pop by whenever' - clearly I am not in the position to say 'errr, no!' as it is their family home too! DH has strict instructions to act as bouncer to visitors if we are feeding/sleeping/just over it all!

I actually raised all this with them all, how I felt and it really made me feel better. I think what I wanted to get across was that this is my first baby and I don't have the first clue how I will feel emotionally or physically therefore how I will feel about seeing people etc. However my Mum then sent my brothers an email (ccing my DH) saying - just come over when you feel like it and if Vallinnapod isn't feeling like seeing anyone you can chat to me I was very cross that it felt like she had undermined all I had said. I should point out my brothers don't just come round for a chat under normal circumstances.

Getting frustrated thinking about this again - primarily because I am a control freak!! What I don't think my Mum realises is that this will ultimately make us move to the new house mid-building work just to get some privacy.

But Vallinnapod it's her house, she doesn't want or shouldn't have to shut her other children out just because you're there. IMO you're being really unfair! She is doing the best thing for all by keeping your family away from you if you want some time alone, or tired, or feeding etc.

Whatever you decide, be firm!! This will be my 3rd birth and I'm not even telling anyone apart from the midwife & my parents (who will be looking after the other 2) that I'm in labour... as for visitors, personally I would make sure they are daytime only.
I still shudder when I think of what my in laws got up to when my other 2 were born...
DS: MIL shows up half an hour after the birth, bustles into the room & lays a bloody great bunch of flowers NEXT TO my Ds and proceeds to try & push the midwife out of the way to hold her grandson.
DD: MIL shows up at the room the following day (2am delivery ), cringes when my DH picked his daughter up. Then, after we were discharged she brings the whole bloody family round to sit on my sofa, talk about towels and expect me to make them brews and fuss around them for 4 hours, even staying when our doctor came to do a HV, then told him all about her medical problems!!
Fortunatley, since then I have grown a pair & will be polite but firm this time round...

Sorry H007 - was trying to say I appreciated that! :)

I agree that there is no "normal". However, for our first DC we will accommodate the whole family to the extent possible, whatever their individual wants and needs. This child is as much both sets of parents' first grandchild as it is our first child. Our mothers are as much our family as DC is going to be. Maybe it's easy to say when both my Mum and my MIL are capable, helping types (although my mum is v high maintenance in other respects), but I firmly believe that neither we nor DC will have a more "important" position in the family than any other family member, or that having this child means we can forget all sense of proportion or sensitivity to others' feelings. It's only a child, hardly the second-coming.