I should say first that I am only 10 weeks so there is plenty of time for me to think about this but...
Ever since I can remember I've wanted children, but along with that has always been feelings of abject terror towards labour. Since I got pregnant (this is my first) I haven't been able to get it out of my head. I am absolutely convinced that I am going to die during a natural labour; I know how insane that sounds, but I've even written a will just in case as I can't get it out of my head. I actually feel like I'm struggling to enjoy being pregnant because I feel as though I have an axe hanging over my head. I can't wait to be a mum, I already love this little bean more than I thought possible, I can't wait to meet him or her, and I've been having gorgeous dreams about BF my newborn, but I just wish I could skip the birth!
I was violently sexually assaulted by two guys when I was a teenager and since then I've struggled with internal exams, smears, and even sex. When I was googling natural births earlier I went very dizzy and nearly vomited at the thought of people I don't know touching me 'down there'. I do want a natural birth, but I'm not sure if I'd psychologically be able to handle it. I know that an elective CS is very unpopular so I'm reluctant to do that either, but the baby has to come out somehow! As I said I'm early days but I have my booking appointment on monday and I'm not sure whether the midwife will ask me about this so I thought I'd better think about it before I got there.
If anyone has any advice for me I'd really appreciate it - please be nice!