Insensitive Bloody Comments

[TheFantasticFixit]

A couple of weeks ago my PIL offered to buy our pram for our baby due November, and had said to let them know what we would like and that they would transfer the money to our account for us to buy the pram.

Having looked at the Sola in Mamas and Papas, we saw that it was in the sale and with the car seat as well could save nearly £100. So rather than email them, which given they were about to give us a large sum of money I thought a bit rude, my fiance phoned them to tell them about it - our thoughts being that if they wanted to buy it now, they would be able to save some money and as we still have a little way to go if we had any problems with delivery or the pram then we would have time to send it back (I do like to be organised, admittedly!)

Anyway, my FIL said no to my fiance. He thinks it is too early to buy it and said that it would be tempting 'fate' to do so. My fiance asked what he meant and my FIL said 'well, the baby could still die, couldn't it?'

I know that I am completely unable to objectively look at this but I am so hurt by his comments. I know, of course and so sadly, that some babies miscarry, some are stillborn and some die of cotdeath. I know that; I run those thoughts in my head all the time as soon as I don't feel my baby kick for a couple of hours. I don't care about the pram particularly - it is exciting to buy but it doesn't bother me to not get it yet, we had told them so that they could potentially save some cash, although I do object to his idea of waiting until the baby has actually arrived to buy it - we wouldn't be able to leave the hospital!

Am I being oversensitive? Has anyone else had these type of comments?

Ouch!!!!

I had a mmc in Jan, a mc in March and am now 18 weeks. My mum is not herself after having two brain aneurysms last year and I've lots of comments that I've dissolved into tears over when I've got home. The worst was when she was going on about a friend of my sister's who'd had a ds and how she "deserved" him after a mc and difficult preg, and what she'd bought as a present etc. Then she said to me, "Oh I will buy something for your baby just when I know it's not going to die like the other two" .

I think sometimes people dont express what they mean very well.

Some people are extremely superstitious and would rather spend more money then cause a perceived harm to your baby(To me it sounds crazy, but its what some people believe).

It's really upsetting, yes and phrased terribly. But many, many people have the same attitude and it's a superstition like any other. MIL will NOT allow us to have our pram in the house until the baby is here. My grandmother said the same thing, particularly about the pram. It's considered bad luck by half of my relatives over a certain age.

Hi Fantastic, I haven't had these comments but just wanted to try to reassure you. It sounds a bit like a bloke thing (I'm generalising )...an unemotional 'speak before you think' kind of comment. It's a bit silly for PIL to offer to buy the pram if that's the way they think. Does MIL think the same?

I would suggest that you have a frank conversation with them saying that you appreciate their concern but the risk of miscarriage significantly decreases after 12 weeks and that they can take a few weeks to be delivered. Perhaps you can agree that they will transfer the money by end August to give you time to get it ordered and delivered in case there are any problems.
Alternatively, can you afford to order it now and just accept that they will give you the money for it in a few months time?

Some people just don't engage their brains before opening their mouths, do they?

A couple of point you might want to consider:

• have you tried the car seat in your car to make sure it fits well? Its worth knowing that errors have been found in manufacturers "fit lists", so its always a good idea to get the exact model of the seat you're interested in fitted into your car by someone trained to check there aren't any issues and the seat you buy is capable of fulfilling its intended purpose of keeping your LO safe.

• Have you checked M&P's return policy? As you already know (and your FIL has rather indelicately pointed out!) it is still possible for things to go wrong - the whole "ill fate the pregnancy" malarky is just superstition, but if you are one of those very unfortunate families where things don't go as you hoped how do you feel about having a travel system that (potentially) you can't return? (Sorry - I know that's not very reassuring but I've been one of those unfortunate women, and coming home without our baby was hard enough without then having to see everything we'd started to get ready. For us it was DC2, so there wasn't much we had to buy - we just had to box it all up again and stick it back in the attic. But I have heard of a lady in a similar circumstance with her 1st who'd bought everything new and early in a national chain - that stuck to the letter of their returns policy and refused to take anything back as she'd bought it too long ago).

• Are your IL's working to a budget and does that budget mean the pram is only affordable in the sale? If you're sure that this is the travel system you want, there's nothing to stop you buying the car seat now in the sale and they can buy the pram whenever they feel happy to do so. It's their money - and if they can afford to spend any extra required nearer your due date and they would feel much happier that way, why not let them?

Anyway, fingers crossed everything goes smoothly and you can smile at your IL's while they coo over your new baby in its beautiful pram :)

I can completely understand why you're hurt and would feel exactly the same if I were in your position. I luckily haven't had comments like that and if anything I'm the superstitious one.
Not that I'm excusing his comments as they were somewhat lacking in tact, to say the least, but as others have said, perhaps its a gender and generation thing (bit of a generalisation I know!).
I think ksaunders suggestion was good, that you have a frank conversation, explain you're not money grabbing but don't want to be ordering from your pram/ car seat from your hospital bed!
I personally would rather clear the air now than let any hurt or annoyance build up as no doubt once dc is born you will be seeing a lot more of pil.