when to tell bf and everyone else i am pg. it may not go down well

[missperelman]

hello, sorry to keep asking questions tonight. i am 10 wks pg and haven't told anyone yet. mainly because my partner is going to be upset. i know i can say that the age old recipe of an egg and sperm maketh a baby, and we always had unprotected sex for the 10 months we have known each other, but, by the end, he kept saying - and sometimes quite aggressively - that he didn't think he could do it again (he had 4 boys at a really young age so is v drained financially and otherwise and will also feel a lot of guilt from the mother of those children plus his own parents who love the boys etc). part of me hopes that he secretly hoped he could make me happy and that was why he continued the unprotected sex, but the less romantic side of me thinks it was because he just presumed one or both of us were infertile. anyway, i am just so worried that he will retreat into himself and i will have a lonely pgncy. i have already been utterly bereft at times over the last 8 weeks, hiding it, hormonally distressed etc. he has been away for the last 3 weeks so hasn't seen the increasing waistline, massive sore boobs etc, head in the toilet bowl, etc, but tomorrow he is back. any advice? i know i just have to tell him, but any advice on slant, wording etc. i was going to go to a friend's cottage for a week, and leave a letter, after seeing him and not talking about it for a few days. is that ridiculous? i am so sensitive - especially now i am so hormonal - that even if i see a flicker of disappointment on his face, i fear i am going to go into a terrible panic and sadness. x

I think you should tell him as soon as you can and I think you should do it face to face. If he wants to leave because of it he will whenever you tell him and maybe its better earlier than later so that you have time to plan how you can make this work. It will just keep playing on your mind and making you uneasy and upset the more you think it over so why don't you set aside an evening,cook some dinner, buy him a beer maybe?

i don't think he'll leave me will he? we're very close and he is a very loyal father and accepts his responsibilities and adores babies and children. he really craves being able to father things and his existing children and grown up now. i just think emotionally he will go into himself and i will feel lonely. thanks for your advice though, yes.

I'm sorry, but if he retreats and goes into himself I think he should be reminded that you weren't using any precautions. If he was saying he couldn't do it again, why at no point did he think 'hm, perhaps a condom might be a good idea'. This is not 100% your fault (although I have to wonder why you would keep consenting to unprotected sex if you didn't want a child) and he needs to man up to that fact.

Tell him, face to face. Expect an argument but don't let him offload any more than 50% of the blame. Try not to let it get shouty, just stay calm and tell him you want an adult conversation about it.

Good luck!

...hmm yeah why did you continue to have unprotected sex knowing his thoughts about having another child? And just as importantly, why did he!! Think youve both been very silly mind
But, baby is here and whats that phrase, "they bring the love with them" :)
Brace yourself and tell your partner straight. No two ways about it x

Well congratulations MissPerelman, because it sounds like you really want this baby and even if DP feels he doesn't, I am sure he will come around. However, taking into account what he has said about being a father again, I think it is unrealistic to expect that you will get a positive reaction at first. Maybe you shouldn't tell him face to face, although I wouldn't do the letter thing. Couldn't you phone him? Or send him a text? Maybe something light-hearted along the lines of 'it seems like our carefree love life has caught up with us, but actually I am very happy and I hope you will be too...'

If he is a good person I am sure he will stand by you. Good luck!

Think if you have no kids and he has then really he must be prepared for you to want one with him or with someone else at some point so what would he prefer.

Also he not used protection so its him too.

Please please dont let him talk you in to something you dont want to do I had this with a friend 4 years ago she regrets it.

Also dont let him threaten to leave you.

I really hope he doesnt try to nicely talk you in to something you dont want to do and cause you love him you do. dont be scared to be alone with baby.

Advice wise on what to say to him I prob would have said something to him by now but yeah prob best face to face I would prob say Im pregnant and Im keeping it hope you want to stick around. xxx

xxx

Sorry for saying this but if he did not want kids he should have used protection. How irresponsible to be aggressive about not having kids and then shagging with with no protection ? When he comes back, tell him he is going to be a dad and make it be known that he is responsible for the child and he family.