Grandparents wanting to stay in my house with the newborn...

[MyDogHatesMe]

Hi All,
This is a bit of a WWYD really.
We live in the South and my parents live in the North, so when they come down they stay with us for a few days to make the journey worthwhile. We don't have children at the moment but are expecting DC1 later this year.

We've got a relatively small house - a 3 bed semi with 1 bathroom upstairs and a cloakroom downstairs. The box room is currently empty (well, filled with baby stuff) and our 2nd bedroom is still a large double guest room and will stay that way til if and when we have a second child.

My mum and dad obviously want to see their new (and first) grandchild as soon as possible after the birth which is fine, but I'm a bit about them staying with us. I feel really mean about this but I just think it's going to be too much for all of us - my parents included - as the baby will be keeping them awake and they both work, not to mention I am planning on BF and there is no way on earth I can do that in front of my dad. I know we'll be in a mess the first few days and not in any sort of routine, and I will find it a struggle to get dressed never mind be entertaining and worrying about guests. My DH is really helpful but I wouldn't feel right just sitting with the baby while he runs around after 'my' guests IYKWIM. My mum is great but my dad can wind me up at the best of times so during this unstable period I think I will be even more sensitive towards it.

I've mooted the idea of them staying in a local hotel (there are loads really nearby) but they are a bit offended by this since we have a double bedroom spare and going begging. Also they want to come down literally the minute the baby arrives - drop everything, leave work etc - so I think they're worried they won't get booked into one. My mum wants to come down on her own for a couple of weeks later on, which will be great as we will be more settled and I can be myself in front of my mum... my dad can't do that because of work. I think my mum will be fine, but I know I am setting myself up for some sort of passive aggressive showdown with my dad (he has a tendency to write me nasty letters/emails about what a bad daughter I am, which he leaves around for me to find and we never discuss it in person) and I don't think I'll be able to deal with that again, I lost sleep for 3 months last time.

Should I just cave and let them stay with us, and go BF upstairs or whatever. Or stick to my guns? What are you doing, or what would you do?

Thanks for listening!

Just be firm - do they know when the baby is due - make sure you don't tell them when you go into labour .......... they don't have to know the minute the baby arrives.

Speak to your mum privately if necessary and just say that you need time to yourselves and you will invite them to stay as soon as your feel ready (or they can stay in a local b & B/hotel if they want to see the baby before that - only if that suits you).

I can sympathise with your views on breast feeding; I found it much more comfortable to breast feed privately. (Can also be nice to get time alone with your baby without visitors !). Do what you feel is right, not what other people feel you 'ought' to do.

These threads are very useful for us to think about how we will behave when we become grandmothers.

"he has a tendency to write me nasty letters/emails about what a bad daughter I am, which he leaves around for me to find and we never discuss it in person"

Don't let them stay!

Re: the breastfeeding, if you are stressed about it you will not release as much oxytocin, the hormone that brings your milk in. Better to do it YOUR way. They will have to get over it.

All the very best - I really feel for you. My ILs want to stay but we have headed them off at the pass and while they are a little put out they have come round.

This dynamic isn't condusive to a long visit, TheReal. My parents are excellent guests - they barely let me stand up when they came after each of my births. Prepared all meals, kept older children completely entertained/took them out, did all the cleaning and washing, brought me cups of coffee, etc. I didn't BF but one, so my mom would also take the baby for nights so I could get unbroken sleep.

But a lot of these 'guests' just seem to act like they're in a hotel.

I didn't think I wanted anyone to stay after ds1 was born. My parents came up and I wouldn't let them leave for two weeks! They were fab - washing, preparing meals, taking the baby for a few hours so dh and I could get some sleep (a wouldnt be put down type of baby). Not saying this is the case with your parents but just wanted to say I had similar reservations but completely changed my mind once the baby arrived. Just another view point.

That'll teach me to read the OP properly and not with 'one eye' while dealing with a toddler.

Sorry, but I didn't seethe bit about the letters. I agree, this doesn't sound like a recipe for a happy, long visit. Would you be happier if just your mum came?

Tell them you need your spare room, so if they come, they'll have to stay in a hotel/B&B.

It's not uncommon to want an extra bed, so that if necessary, one or other of you can head off to the spare bed for some slightly less disturbed sleep!

Im in a bit of a similar situation, my mum decided she was going to stay over and that I will not be able to cope. I have nipped it in the bud politely saying if I need her I will ask for her help.

If you don't like confrontation and as your dad is a fan a letter might be better. You cam think about what you want to say rather than in the heat of an argument.

Could you talk to your mum, get her onside and try to get her to be your dads voice of reason?

I hope everything goes well

I do feel for you and understand. Can't help thinking how sad I would be one day if my own daughter did this to me. NO JUDGEMENT - just something to consider. And it might be a way of you getting closer again.

I'd not be sad at all if my daughter 'did this to me'. I'd respect her privacy and needs and put them above my own because that's what being a mother is about.

I would not be 'sad' either - seriously the OP is not banning them from seeing their grandchild, just doesn't want house guests for the very first few days after the birth. Which is perfectly reasonable IMO!

I understand it won't work for everyone, but I'm another one who found it fantastic having my parents to stay, but it was a couple of weeks afterwards. My mum came on her own just after the birth last minute because of EMCS and DH was struggling to help me in hospital. Originally I would not have wanted my mum to come straight away, but we needed the help.

My mum was amazing at doing shopping cooking meals, doing the washing... When both parents were here they both helped out, my dad did the cleaning.

I was worried about bf. I went off to do it in privacy and quiet in my bedroom. I was not up to doing it subtly due to latch issues, and being early days not very practiced. I found it easier to do without the pressure of 3 people watching me. It was more relaxed environment. My parents were so busy doing the housework they didn't notice that I wasn't there for hours on end!

It won't be for everyone, but I wanted to add a positive experience from someone who was skeptical before giving birth. But your guests must do all the chores to help you out so you and DH can concentrate on baby and having a rest.

I don't have a magic solution but I just wanted you to know that I understand and I am having a similar problem. My mum has got it into her head that she expects to come down and stay with us for 2 weeks when the baby is born. We live in a very small 2 bed flat, the small spare room will be full of baby stuff so difficult to use for anything else. But despite this I really feel it's important to me that we have some time just the three of us to get used to our new arrival and have time to bond and work things out without me stressing about someone else in the house.
Unfortunately, I have tried to explain this to her but she didn't take it very well, I think she seems to think I am leaving her out, as she lives so far away - but to me this is more about her wishes than trying to be helpful towards me. I wouldn't mind her popping in and out but I just don't want to have to cope with having an extra person there all the time (especially because she annoys me at the best of times).
She is hoping I will change my mind so I think I will have to come up with some sort of compromise, which will probably be to stay nearby with friends or something for a few days. Not sure how well that will go down!
Good luck, I really hope you work things out. This is a worry and stress that none of us need at the moment!

bacon i enjoyed that... had a somewhat similar situation when staying with MIL after ds1 was born!

I just had to read out your story to my DH bacon - what a cracker!

My sympathies OP - I am due end of Nov and have similar issues with parents wanting to fly out (here to Dubai) immediately after the birth and to stay for 2/3 weeks. We have no excuses with the amount of space / bathrooms but I do really want that bonding time with just the 3 of us. The posts here have given me the courage to be a bit more direct with them (also hate confrontation) so thank you all for your contributions.

This is the one time in your life when you get to be selfish - tell them no. While your DH is on paternity leave is a special time for the 3 of you to bond as a family.

Once the novelty wears off in a few weeks, DH is back at work and the washing starts piling up I'm sure you will be grateful to have your mum come to stay but until then I really would draw the line.

Also if your dad is not supportive and you feel he may inhibit breastfeeding, DONT have him to stay immediately after the birth. Newborns need to suckle more or less constantly* so why should you have to hide in one room so as not to offend your dad - your home, your baby, you should be able to BF in front of the tv or sitting chatting with DH. When you are hormonal and sleep deprived and teary you need positive comments only. I would have quit trying to BF if my DH hadnt been so incredibly supportive and now I'm so glad I did.

• I think of it like this: if I was suddenly whisked onto a new planet and I only had 1 familiar person with me - DH say - and the only thing that made me feel secure was to hold his hand, well, I'd want to hold it all the time!

Next time you find one of those letters, write 'misogynistic arsewipe' on it in lipstick then put it back where it was...

I'm with the consensus: ask them not to come for a few days/week, and even then to a B&B.

the biggest issue in my opinion is that those first couple of weeks are the time when you, baby and dh get to bond and adjust to being a family. Other people's insistence on barging in on that time is so rude!

you will be sore, tired and still bleeding post birth. the last thing you'll need is houseguests.

Are they of the generation that has total respect for what doctors and medical advisers say?
If so, can you say that your GP/midwife has said that you really ought not to have people over to stay over during the first 10 days or so, visits should be under an hour and visitors should bring food and help out and not expect to play with baby, as it is very, very important that you and the baby rest, learn to breastfeed and have quiet time together to settle and bond. Mention new research doctor quoted you about how maternal hormones post birth affect milk production and strong need to have privacy to learn to nurse and get milk flowing otherwise risk of failure to thrive, disrupted feeding etc. Say he gives this advice to all new mums, and present it as a fait accompli, you don't want to go against medical advice and as you all really want the best for the grandchild think it is better to keep family home quiet and just the 3 of you to give baby best possible chance of thriving.

If you hate confrontation it might be a better cop out.

Say no.

I agree with foxy on this. I felt like an animal in the zoo after I had DS by EMCS. I think I have issues surrounding the following days when I was doped up on morphine but trying to care for a baby and learn to bf, all the time with people watching me like a hawk .

Was lovely after having DD 2 years later. I e-mailed everyone and told them I didn't want visitors when I was recovering. My family would pop by to take DS out or tidy up but no one 'visited' and expected me to make tea or chat to them. And they all still talk to me.

Who are all these completely rude, mannerless people who would expect a woman who has just given birth to bring them tea and make them meals?

Are there really that many folks who are that utterly uncouth?

How shocking! I cannot imagine imposing on someone like that, much less my own daughter or daughter-in-law.

I can't imagine not asking when would be the best time for a visit first, either.

expat Since I've had kids I wouldn't dream of visiting someone with a new baby either. No idea why it's considered ok . I certainly wouldn't do it to my own kids unless they asked.

I agree with everyone who's said to politely tell them they are staying in a hotel if they want to see their newborn GC. Also to have a contingency plan if 'there aren't any hotels' and not to tell them when you go into labour!

Also I found the most discreet way of BF was to use the special BF tops with feeding slits. No boob on show at all. I got all mine off ebay for less than a fiver each and lived in them for over a year... It is nice to be able to wear a normal top again But I had absolutely no qualms about feeding everywhere and anywhere.

Even when I didn't have kids I'd not have dreamed of it, Meglet. My sister had children long before I did, when she was in her 20s. I was living about 1000 miles away at the time. So I came over after she got out of hospital (she had EMCS with her first) and stayed with my mom and dad and went for short visits. But whilst there, I felt like a 5th wheel so cleaned up, put the washing on, loaded/unloaded dishwasher, phoned up for takeaways, used her car to run errands (cuz she had a cooler car than mine), etc.

Can't imagine having sat there with my feet up expecting a post-surgical patient on no sleep to wait on me.

How fucking inconsiderate can you get? You'd have to be thick as two planks not to see that's beyond rude.

YANBU. I found visitors just too much in that first week or two - never mind guests staying. Its such an exhausting time and precious too - I'm sure you will want some quiet private time to just breathe and get settled with your baby. I can totally appreciate their excitement but staying at a lovely bnb would give you all a little space and probably make things more enjoyable for everyone....I know I was a touch on the snappy side in the early weeks - sleep deprivation can do that to you.