Relationship stress - first trimester

[k4mi]

Hi everyone,

I am 8 wks pregnant. It was unplanned and although 'bad timing' i have got my head around it and am feeling like i want to have this baby. My partner however is not so keen. We are both 28 and so not too young in my opinion. Although he says he is 'trying' to be supportive i am really disappointed in the way he is acting. We have known for a month and still he is flitting between saying he wants it and he doesn't which is so painful for me to hear.

I feel like all i desperately need is support and love and that he can't bring himself to grow up and get on with it. He keeps saying he can't cope...i'm not entirely sure what he is thinking i feel?!

What i am worried about is the affect on the baby. Over the last 4 weeks i have cried approx 5-6 days due to immense stress with him. Today i am of work because this morning we had an argument again and it leaves me exhausted and feeling hopeless. I can't help but get angry and emotional / cry with him. I do manage to calm down quite quickly (because i know i have to) but i am so scared it will damage the baby. I am also worried because i had a few drinks early in the pregnancy and i keep thinking i am being a terrible person for putting a baby through this.

Does anyone have any advice?

Don't worry about harming your baby. It one of the special features of pregnancy that (even if you have nothing to stress about) you spend half the time crying. For referance my mum died (following an illness) at 14 weeks into my first preg. I lived on a building site during 2nd pg (rather I didn't live on the building site because despite the house being due to be finished by EDD, the builders didn't get into it til I was about to drop! A bit stressful) This pg, I'm also waiting for some pre cancerous cells to be removed from my cervix. I am not trying to sound like a mathyr. I just want you to know that you can be stressed and still have very chilled out kids (Too flipping chilled out if you've ever attempted a school run with my 8 year old!) With regards to your OH, some (not ALL before I get flamed) men can take a bit of time to get used to the concept of being someone's dad. It's a growing up thing! Also I have found that some find it hard to bond with a concept but once they've got the baby they'll happily want to take it down the pub to show all their friends.

Advice wise.... Try to see his point of view (even if he dosn't see your at moment) then talk to him and let him express his concerns. then tell him to fing grow up. try not to worry that he's not dancing around with excitement. He's prob scared. As I'm sure you are. You've still both got ages to get used to the idea. Perhaps buy him one of those "You're Preggers too, Mate" type books. I'm sure there's a thread to recommend a good one. Most importantly try not to stress about being stressed. Yep. I know they say you should be lying on cushions while your attentive partner feed you grapes. You can however also make perfectly fine babies, with snot and tears all over your face sometimes, a OH who's not so sure and a preg not quite timed "perfectly". Take it from someone on pg#3(2nd unplanned one, whoops!) Take care.

What thegingerone said

When i told my OH i was pg he was excited at first and gradually became more and more horrified at the idea which was very hard for me becuase i knew i wanted to be a mother even though it couldnt of come at a more awkward time.

We didnt actually talk about the baby until after the 20 week scan, (he couldnt come to the 12 week one) it made those first few months very lonely and i found myself unable to get excited. After the scan and seeing the baby he became very supportive, he admitted he was ashamed about how he had been feeling but that because nothing was happening to his body etc he just didnt feel at all involved, especially as i didnt have a bump at all until quite late and he couldnt feel the baby moving.

Now the bump is HUGE and the baby squirms so much you can see my tummy moving from the other side of the room he is so excited and has a chat with her every day

It is hard for the man, but you need to communicate so he can tell you how he feels and you can tell him how stressed it is making you. I was worried that the emotional strain would have an effect on my baby but when i mentioned it to my midwife she said that babies are the most effective parasite and my feelings wont have an effect - she has a way with words.

oh, and i was drinking at least a glass of wine every night before i found out i was pregnant, i really wouldnt worry about that.

Relax and eat cake, and congratulations x

Thank you, it is really good to hear that others go through similar things. I will go and eat some cake!!

I feel for you,my husband was very anti this pregnancy & tbh still is although he accepts it. Some men have a real panic & settle down,some don't. I have no idea how he will be as a father but I know I will be a good mum. I've cried more since being pregnant than any other time in my life but going by the size of the baby & the amount he wriggles about I don't think he has been traumatised. The telling time will be when I have the baby.

Oh, I cried the whole way through my first trimester (also unplanned). I had been on massive benders the weekend before I did the pregnancy test. I was terrified I was going to have harmed my DD. She's now 3 & absolutely lovely (actually right now she's having a tantrum becase her toast broke )

you will find things really mellow out in the second trimester. You get more energy, feel positive and strong :) I'm sure your DP will feel this growing confidence and it will help him get his head around things too.

.....oh yeah and BTW I was downing tequillas a couple of days before the first positive preg test.

My DH (who def was stopping at two kids!) was really excited when we went to the first scan. Up til then, I kinda wasn't talking to him about the preg. (Giving him some space??) I don't want to sound patronising but I think he needed something tangible to get his head around. (and this is a man with two kids already!!)

OMG I've turned into one of those woman who goes...."I don't know why you're not all eating stilton off the floor and drinking a litre of vodka a night. I did and my babies were fine".

I would like to add the disclaimer that I've also taken preg vitamins and followed a reasonable healthy diet when knowingly pregnant! HONEST!