Anybody who feels totally relaxed and positive about their pregnancy, please give me some tips...

[Cattleprod]

...because this is the way I felt when pregnant with DS, and I would absolutely love to feel that way again this time.

With DS, I don't really remember worrying too much about anything. I wasn't scared about the birth, or during it, even though it could be classed as 'traumatic' (took ages, forceps, I collapsed afterwards etc.). Obviously I knew things could go wrong, but I was naive enough to think that possibility was very rare, there was no point worrying as that wouldn't make bad things less likely to happen, and if they did I would be devastated anyway and so I'd cross that bridge if I got to it.

Three years later, I'm pregnant again, and finding the whole business quite scary and stressful. I think it's a combination of having a mmc last year (so scans now seem something to dread rather than the joyful experience they were first time round) which physically was horrible, heavy bleeding in the first trimester of this pregnancy, being more aware of how common it is for awful things to happen, spending too much time on Mumsnet - which is great but choc-full of stories about people's traumatic experiences, and reading news stories about Amanda Holden, Lily Allen, Kelly Brook etc.

How can I get my head in the right place again and start to enjoy this pregnancy more, trust that things will probably be ok and begin to look forward to the birth and meeting my baby? Has anybody else managed to put things into perspective for themselves and view their pregnancy in a more optimistic, positive way?

I felt that way with my ds last time. Then I had a miscarriage last November and then a spotting scare at about 10 weeks with this one. I'm now 20 weeks. I'd thought I'd feel good after 12 weeks, but I didn't. At 18 weeks I realised I had finally stopped checking for blood every time I went to the loo. And now I feel movements more regularly there is much less fear, but it's not back to the level of the first time around. And today I was sorting through bags of baby and toddler clothes from ds (he's 7) and I felt like that was tempting fate and I never usually think like that.

Not sure all this is any help, but you're not alone, and I guess it's just time. I hope things will continue to get better for me!

i felt really positive with my 1st, with my 2nd i was more of a worrier and now 28 weeks and i am a nervous wreck thinking of all the worst things constantly!
i sort of have a stupid view on it as to why- i know more about pregnancy and related problems and already having 2 healthy children makes me kinda think can i be lucky again? not that i wouldnt love my child any less just feel more worried! its really silly aswell as i have no problems in this pregnancy either! so i just keep trying to think positive thoughts and keep myself busy :) x

Thanks Continuum, your experiences sound very similar to mine. I actually felt more anxious after 12 weeks, and I too thought that would be the point at which I felt confident again. Unfortunately my 12 week scan was the same day as that report came out about the UK having the highest stillbirth rate in Europe, so it made the 12 week mark seem like the first hurdle rather than the safe haven it had previously been.

I haven't got any clothes down from the loft yet, haven't started clearing the spare bedroom, haven't joined a mn antenatal thread (tempting fate again), still expecting to see blood, even though that stopped 8 weeks ago. I don't think it's quite sunk in that this baby is actually going to be here and (hopefully and probably) things will be ok.

You're right about the movements making it easier - at least if it's wriggling you know it's still alive!

You're right Mrsmon - too much knowledge is a scary and dangerous thing! Hope all goes well for you.

Well I'd stop reading celebrity baby stories for a start!

There was probably an element of ignorance is bliss with your first pregnancy. It will not be possible to get that back but there are upsides to second pregnancies. The birth will (probably) be faster, easier and you will recover quicker. I am actually looking forward to a different labour as the first one was unconventional (waters broke before contractions, due to high risk pregnancy docs wouldn't leave me to start contracting so was put on drip, ended up with hyperstimulated uterus, back to back contractions for hours and no epidural). I am also thinking of going to the midwife service offered at the hospital which talks you through your previous labour, a sort of labour debrief. Is there something similar you could do? That way you can put the previous labour behind you completely.

You were not being naive to think major problems in pregnancy and birth are rare, they are. You didn't have major problems, no one died or was left permanently disabled. Taking ages and having forceps is pretty routine for a first delivery.

You don't say if you have told your DS about the baby, I told my DD after 12 week scan and her enthusiasm (she is 2.5) has been lovely, she talks to the bump, shows it pictures, asks if it is liking dinner when I eat! Talking to her about having a new sister has made me think ahead to a happy outcome. If you are able to project your mind ahead and talk about what you will be doing with a new little one you are automatically thinking in a more positive way.

Of course I am aware that stillbirths occur but I combat fears of losing the baby with knowledge. I make a point of reading carefully any articles that have scary headlines and if necessary track down the actual research it was based on rather than take everything at face value. I also make sure I know all the signs to look out for that suggest something may be up with me or the baby, symptoms of diabetes, high blood pressure etc and what to do if I experience them. A few years ago an American female psychologist published a book explaining who survived in disasters and they weren't just lucky or heroic, they were careful. They were the people who mentally checked out where the exits were when they entered a building, read the instructions on how to put on a life jacket when their plane took off etc. Forewarned is forearmed, then put it to the back of your mind.

Also remind yourself that Mumsnet postings are self selecting, people with similarly bad experiences respond to bad experience postings, this makes it look as though these things occur much more than they actually do, there are not nearly so many easy birth, everything fine posts as those people (the majority) don't have the psychological need to talk/post about them.

It certainly does but we have just got to be ready with what life throws at us good or bad in any situation.
hope all goes well for you also :) x

I'm pretty much the same as mrsmon - 20wks preg with babe no.3 and more stressed / worried during this preg than I ever have been. Mainly doing the same "i've been so lucky with previous 2 pregs, surely my luck is running low now" type worrying. Which is utterly ridiculous I know, particularly since our 2nd born, DD, was gravely ill at 9months old, spent time in paediatric intensive care & months in hospital due to a bowel problem that she was most probably born with but didn't come to light until weaning & beyond.

I suspect its partly because we've been through pregnancy / labour etc already & therefore know more about what could go wrong (no more blissful ignorance unfortunately) & also once you become a mum, you meet people / hear all sorts of stories about other people's problem pregnancies & births etc etc....

Too much info is driving us all mad! But hey, at least we're all going mad together!!

Thankyou mamalamoo for your very sensible and logical post! I'm not normally prone to worrying about celebrities lives, and I certainly don't read Heat or Hello or any such rubbish, I guess it's just so happened that of the ten or so British celebs who have been pregnant in the last year, three have ended in stillbirths. It makes it seem scarily common even though in reality I know my risks are about 4 in 1000.

I've booked refresher antenatal classes which will hopefully help, and might find out if a debrief is available too.

I have told DS about the baby - he seems quite excited, more about the fact that there's a baby inside my tummy (and a crocodile inside DP's tummy apparently). Lots of his friends have baby brothers or sisters already so I hope he sort of grasps the concept and it will be nice to see him get more excited as my tummy gets bigger!

Icravecheese I hope your DD is better now. That must have been so scary for you.

And people say 2nd and 3rd pregnancies are easier and less stressful...!!!

This is actually my first pregnancy and I have been totally paranoid for no good reason. I was out to dinner with some girlfriends on Friday (and finally told them after 4 weeks of avoiding everyone) and looked around the table. There were 10 of us, all in our early thirties or late twenties. 3 haven't started trying yet, but of the other we total 4 successful births, 3 current pregnancies (including me!) and one miscarriage. Of the 4 kids only one had severe complications (with Mum in hospital for 2 weeks prior to an early and underweight delivery). I have spent far too much time on here, which is reassuring inso much as I'm not the only one freaking out, but as MamaMoo points out it is generally going to be the bad news stories that catch your eye.

I'm a little bit calmer today, hopefully it will continue and I'll let myself but some maternity jeans (and not think I'm tempting fate)as none of mine fit now :-)

Cattleprod I can't really add to any of the above, but if you do want a thread you could glance at the Totally's Grads thread here, all ladies that have suffered a mc or mmc so they are more likely to have been through similar anxieties. I'm 26 weeks after a mmc last year and their support has been invaluable

Regardless, though, I hope you can start to relax - maybe treat each milestone as a cue to do something bump-related or relax a bit more?

Thanks OrangeGloss, I have been on Totally's grads thread a few weeks ago when I was freaking out. They are all lovely and were very nice to me, but the trouble is when you are talking to a load of people who have all been through one or more pregnancy losses at various stages, it kind of normalises it and makes it seem much more common than it actually is, so it then seemed inevitable that I was going to lose this pregnancy too.

As Kitty says, when you talk to friends in real life there will probably be two or three out of ten who have had a mc, the odd one or two who have had problems ttc, and maybe you'll have heard about a couple of stillbirths or severe health problems in your wider circle including friends of friends. Much more like the true statistics.