Mother in law driving me crazy!!!

[GuineaPigMum]

I am 38 weeks pregnant and have finished work now - supposedly to be at home relaxing (yeah right). I've had some bad symphysis pubis pain and have been advised to rest as much as possible to avoid aggravating it.

My mother in law has a key to our house as when I was working she would come round and take our dog out for a walk a couple of times a week to help us out. Since I've been pregnant she's spent a shedload of money on buying us stuff and has been helping us decorate the house in preparation for the new arrival. All of which I honestly do really appreciate, but THERE IS A LINE!!!

She has just LET HERSELF INTO THE HOUSE knowing that I was at home (but without phoning in advance to let me know she might pop in) and is now pottering around my house tidying up, talking to herself and doing bits of housework while I am trying to work at the computer!!. It feels like a massive invasion of my space! Am I overreacting??

When she walked in the front door I was so stunned, all I could say was "Oh! I wasn't expecting you!", but she did not take the hint and just waltzed straight past me!

I am livid but don't feel I can say anything without seeming ungrateful for all the stuff she does to help. Luckily my partner agrees that she sometimes oversteps the mark and has spoken to her about it before but she doesn't pay the blindest bit of attention!!!! It is so frustrating I really don't know what to do.

I'm now really worried that when we have the baby she'll be popping round every day without warning. How have other people managed similar situations without causing offence? She lives about 20 minutes away so it's not like she's just around the corner. Now I'm so annoyed I can't concentrate on the work I was supposed to be doing

Oooh, difficult one, she'll feel that she's helping, but that would drive me mad!

Um, could you thank her for her help but say that you can manage the housework yourself thank you very much, but what would be really useful would be if she... weeded the garden / picked up xyz from the shops / [insert other useful but out of the house ideas]

I think I would be mighty pee'd off too if my MIL (or even my own mother or sister!) did this... unfortunately I think that the only solution is to spk to her & ask that, now you're at home on mat leave, could she please ring before hand to check that you're not busy / got friends round / lying naked in the lounge watching This Morning?!!

She probably has no idea how annoyed / upset / shocked you are that she has let herself in, so I think either you or your other half need to sit down & talk to her about slightly changing arrangements now you're at home. COuld you somehow get her key back by saying you need to give it to your neighbour for a while for some reason??

Failing that, change the locks!!!

OUCH! Could you perhaps thank her for her help but tell her that you need to concentrate on your work and would she mind giving you a call now you're home before coming round, just in case you are 'in the middle of'? It's a tricky one. I think I would possibly wait until you DH gets home and get him to have a chat with her, but he'll have to be firm by the sounds.

I think sometimes, the DIL/MIL relationship is just difficult and there isn't a way of not causing offense. But it's a choice between being walked all over and saying something. If you say it nicely and reasonably (it is reasonable for her to ring before coming & reasonable if you say it isn't convenient) and she takes offense then, as upsetting as it is, she will just have to be offended. I had a situation with my MIL before our wedding where she TOLD us (didn't ask) by email that she wanted to visit with her husband (who has alzeimers) every other weekend, for a few days, in the weeks running up to the wedding because she was working in our area. It was awful and she really went off the deep end when we said it wasn't poss to accommodate her for all the times she wanted to come. She ended up not coming at all. I was terribly upset but in the long run, I think it has been for the best. We don't have the closest of relationships but we are ok, and i think if I had caved in then she would be walking all over me for ever more!

Best of luck and try and calm down when she goes home! Ring one of your mates and have a good old RANT! ;)

gwt your partner to get the key back saying 'when the baby is here we'll want some privacy' or... perhaps if he or you can't do that you could invent a lost key where you have to go to hers because you have locked yourself out?

or... get down to b&Q and change the locks otherwise you will be back here in a months time posting angrily about her always being there and waking up the baby oncr it's born.

Put one of those security chains on the door at least that would actually stop her just letting herself right in :)

BRILLIANT idea duelingfanjo - say you've lost your own house key so you need hers & you'll get her a new one cut (then of course never get it cut because baby will arrive etc etc)!!

I'd also be looking to get the key back off her - now you're not on maternity leave you can let her in if she needs to come round, after all. Although DF's "lost key" plan might be less angst inducing.

You need to find a way to limit her and if she won't listen when her son asks her nicely then taking away her access is the only option she's leaving you - its just finding a way to do it that doesn't have to ruffle too many feathers.

She's going way too far and you would be completely reasonable to ask her to at least ring ahead. I would go further and say she really needs to back off and give you some space, now and when the baby's born. She's acting like she lives with you, seemingly just because you're going to have her grandchild. It's not acceptable. Make it clear that you're very grateful for the help though.

It's so difficult when people are 'helpful' but entirely on their terms. It's very selfish I think.

Why not make a big deal out of thanking her (a family meal?) for her help whilst you were at work and for the stuff she has given you? (make a point of saying while you were at work). You probably don't feel like it (I know I won't) but it might be a good cut off point whilst making her feel appreciated.
But I agree your DH should be getting that key back.
And yes I would be very annoyed.

Thanks everyone - the MIL has now left the building. I suspect she might have got the hint because on leaving the house she made a joke of saying, "Ah well, you've got me out the way now". While she was here I made a point of just getting on with my work and not offering her a cup of tea!!!! How rude.

I have calmed down but will definitely be having words with my partner when he gets in from work and try to work out a solution. Unfortunately I'm one of those people who avoids confrontation so I'm not sure I could talk to her myself - but inventing an excuse to get the keys back sounds like a good idea.

Now might be a good time to lay down some house rules for when the baby arrives - no visitors without prior arrangement and no-one 'dropping in' unannounced! At least she's out of my hair for today!!!!

Agree with the others about getting the key back - but catch her unawares, otherwise she will have enough time to get another cut!

You definitely need to get it sorted before the baby arrives, how stressful that would be.

Good luck x

We put the latch across our door it was done to stop the kids letting themselves out but does have the deterant that dh and I can not be interrupted on the Saturday morning by my dad.

Why oh why does anyone think it's acceptable to let themselves into someone else's home? Especially when the people in question are home? My mum has a spare key for emergencies and honestly I'd do my nut if she let herself in whenever she wanted!

Get the key off MIL now. It'll get worse once baby gets here.

Get your key back; pretend you've locked yourself out and borrow her copy and then never give it back.

what chinny said
plus a show of appreciation (if not a meal then flowers or something)
plus ground rules about how things will work when baby arrives

I know it's rock hard to do this, I'm very non-confrontational myself, but it's the only way to stop people walking all over you and you having to seethe in a quiet black rage about stuff!