when to have children and who with?

[bubaluchy]

I have taken a longer time to find my path in life than most people because of a disruptive childhood I needed to get my head around.

I am now at the age of 26, doing my A levels with the aim to doing a teaching degree, by the time I qualify I will be 31 (at the least because after the degree I want to train in Steiner teaching) but I am worried about when the right time will be to have children.

if I do it within the next couple of years it will disrupt my studies and I don't want to have a minimum wage existence like my parents did, but if I have children as soon as I qualify, I will already be older and less experienced in my chosen career and not an asset to an employer with small ones as I definitely want to be at home for the first four years of my children's lives.

My partner is 45 and if I hold off until I qualify he will be 50 (which is how old my dad is just about) which is no age to start raising a family, I am so confused.

I love my partner so much and we have such a stable relationship I can see us happily ticking along together for ..well ever really, but I have no perspective on the situation because I am in it.

I keep asking myself is there a future in this/ why invest in something that could end and my decision to have kids is getting stronger as I become more sorted as a person.

But then I think oh I could die today, who's to tell what's around the next corner why not be with the one that makes every day so wonderful instead of worrying about the illusory future.

any comments appreciated x

Think only you can answer this really but my opinion is having a baby shouldnt stop you doing a degree I have friends who have been in that situation and done really well actually having a baby has given them a push to do even better. Maybe have a year off after your A levels before you do degree? Also I know some men who have been Dads at 50 actually one does spring to mind and hes a great Dad. I know what you mean about staying at home for 4 years with baby if you want to do thats great but you might have to look to your partner to support you to do this and also if you want to do that why not do the open uni from home in the time you have off with kids? maybe sorting out your partner being at home just when you need to go to classes but its not as intense as full time uni. Good luck whatever you decide maybe have a chat with your partner about itxx

Have you considered having a child between your A-levels and degree? Taking an alternative gap year to some other students! Challanging, but I remember my uni have a really good creche(even though I had no need for it at the time) I studied (Not a degree I admit ,but a post grad profession qualification)when my two were 5 and 2.

Also have you and your partner had a proper talk about this? It involves (?) him too. Does he want kids? How does he feel about having them now and in future? Can he be primary care giver while you develop your career.

crossed posts!

50 no age to be raising children? Do you mean for your partner, rather than in general, because they are particularly decrepit?

I feel you are looking at this a little too clinically, life doesn't work like you plan sadly. If you want children and I mean really want, I would start planning to try now, because when the career and money thing sort themselves out, your body may not be willing. It depends how big a deal it is to you.

why go to all that bother qualifying then take 4-6 yrs out to have kids?

wouldnt you be better having them now, then going bk to education later?

my dad always told me ;there is never a RIGHT time to have children. and he was right!

thegingerone lol we said same things in reply!!x

It sounds like you are using your own experiences from your childhood to base your ideas of the right ages to have children. That's completely normal. But everybody is unique and therefore I'm sure your partner isn't a replica of your own father.

His age won't determine if he is a good parent or not, that comes from personality, imo.

Your own age is a factor but only in regards to fertility. I've only started my family at 31. I had it in my mind that I wanted to begin at 28 but finances and other factors weren't what I wanted. I made a calculated decision not to start at 28. You know your wants and needs better than anyone.

Best of luck with your decision and your studying. I think planning for the future is great. Don't worry about things you can't control, like a brick falling from the sky. Plan for the things you can control.

I'd look into some of the other suggestions, like can you study after having a kid and how is the job market for a newly qualified 36 year old if you decide to wait until after.

I would say start asap. I wish I'd had my son 20 years ago, but alas it would've been the wrong man. I think you can combine this degree with children.

I on the other hand chose not to persue a vet degree, because I was single at the time and was going to be 40 at graduation with 100k of debt. I didn't fancy those odds of finding a good man and having children/paying off BIG debts/starting a business in my 40's.

Perhaps another lifetime. :)

As to 'who with?', I'm guessing you've had a lot of therapy so you'll know there are no guarantees about relationships and that you can't control the actions of others.

I had a very difficult childhood and some problems as an adult. I met my current partner as my therapy was drawing to a close. He told me how much he loved his mum, he was nice to waitresses and when I took him home my dogs decided he was the best thing since sausages. I figured they were probably on to something.

Don't underestimate how much children will put pressure on you, but its only because you'll be tired, not because the love is gone. I still love him, he's still the one who will fight my corner, he's still kind, he's a fantastic dad but when I've not slept properly for a week I could wrap a frying pan around his head.

Hi, you post doesn't really reveal whether you've discussed children with your partner or not? My concern is that you entitled your post 'when to have children and who with?' Well, if you had discussed it and then I'm not sure why you would have written the 'who with' part?

I'm 36 and pg with my first. Didn't meet my DH until I was older than you are now. To me, 26 is definately not late to be starting out on a career, as there are plenty of mature students older than you at my uni, where I teach. The issues in your case are all around the fact that your DP is a fair bit older than you.

I wouldn't want to discourage you from having your family now, as I totally agree there's never a right time. Thought we'd be in a far better position financially than we are at our ages, but hey ho, time was ticking on and the recession hit so financially we're worse off than we were when younger. Can't plan everything! I do however think it is important for you to get your qualifications.

I have a very good friend (& seen it happen before too) who put her chance of a career on backburner to have a child with her DP. Her DP has been cheating on her & they are in a very rocky place right now. Very sad with a little boy in the middle. She doesn't own the house they live in, has no chance of earning enough money on her own as didn't get her qualifications, isn't married so won't be entitled to anything if they split...in short, she's stuck. It's an awful position to be in. Now not saying this would happen to you, you sound very happy. Just that you never know what's ahead.

By all means go for it with babies, but try and go for it with your qualifications too. But first and foremost, talk all of this through with your fella.

26 is very young still, and 50 is also a reasonable age to start a family. I know many 50 year old dads including my own. Most women in my social circle don't start thinking about kids until they are 30+ and I know many who have their first as they near 40.

You might be over thinking this. Do it when it feels right.

My partner was over 60 when our first DC was born. Hasn't been an issue.

And having children and fitting childcare around education/training is no more challenging than doing it whilst working.

If you and your DP and your relationship are all ready, go for it. But by asking 'and who with?' are you questioning him?

read this: blog.penelopetrunk.com/2006/06/01/get-married-first-then-focus-on-career/

I found it facsinating!

There's never a 'right' time to have children, and no matter what you do you'll always think that the grass might have been greener had you done things differently. That's life though isn't it!

I don't believe 50 is too old for a man to start having a family (although obviously it depends on the man). My DH will be 46 when our first child is born and we plan to have at least one more after this. At 46 he's 'younger' than my own dad was in his 30s.

You've got plenty of time, but I understand your concerns. If I were you I think I'd be having a child sooner rather than later, because as your career takes off you'll be more and more reluctant to disrupt it. Isn't it easier to fit studying around a baby, than fitting a job around a baby? I do think both are possible though.

You're very much in danger of over-thinking and over-planning this, which is what I did. At 33 now I wonder why I waited so long, there was no benefit to my career in working the last 10 years instead of having children, and right now if I'd had them I would still be young enough to start a career but also have children who were at school and somewhat independent by now.

when - when you want them

who with - with someone who loves you and who will support you. I cannot stress this enough. i genuinely don't think anything else matters. As for having an older dad - they'd have a y9oung mum, and would have the best of both worlds.

Im 28, doing a degree and pg with my 1st.
Im taking a year out between my 2nd and 3rd year (can get my research proposal done on mat leave ) Shes due on 6 weeks, cant wait!!!! x

www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2011/may/21/older-husband-young-child

Nice story in The Guardian about a couple with 35 years between them and a wee baby. Food for thought...?

Love conquers all. If you love your partner, and he is happy to have kids later on then I say go for it. It's hard to find a decent man, the right man who is perfect for you.... and for me personally.. the right man is also the right man to father my children. My partner is older than me.. and he is the perfect Dad. So many kids don't get two loving parents to raise them, and I think your kids would prefer an older Dad who can be there for them, than if you took a chance to find another who might not. If you see what I am getting at.

Plus if your partner IS happy to have kids at a later age, it shows alot of determination to make things work with you and the children you have. Which is completely wonderful. And a hard thing to find.

P.S. Teaching is exhausting and hard. You will have alot of homework and very late nights and early mornings as you train and do teaching practice. I hope you have alot of stamina.

Good Luck and All the best xxx

Thank you every one so much for all your wonderful replies they are very helpful to me I feel very fortunate to have stumbled upon a forum with all these intelligent women. Thank you!!!