Am I selfish for wanting a girl so badly?

[cherryberry01]

I know this sounds selfish & should be happy no matter what I have as long as the baby is healthy but i really long for a girl. I already have a little boy who is 5yrs & when I found out with him I was deverstated. My partner wants a boy so one of us will be happy. My little boy keeps asking for a baby sister & I really hope to give him a little sister. I wont be finding out the sex this time as my partner would like the surprise. Is it normal to feel like this I just have a feeling this is going to be a boy.

Don't go-I realise that you can't help your feelings. I just happen to think that it is wonderful that it is one part of life where people get what what they are given and it will be a sad day when people can order the baby they want.

CherryBerry, I think it's a shame that you have been put off posting, which is why I put my post on here as I do understand your feelings. I wish you all the best with your new baby whether he is a he or she. I hope you can get your head around it. I really feel I did the right thing in finding out as it's helped me bond with bump. It's a shame if you have this anxiety throughout rest of your pregnancy. I'm sure you'll be fine and very happy in the end. Take care.

I think this is an emotive subject but I also think that it is pretty common. I have DD and am desperate for a boy second time round. However if we are lucky enough to get pregnant again the overall health of the baby is what is important not its gender but I know I will be upset if it is another girl - not because I wont love that baby - I will just mourn for the son I will never get to have. I think SOH makes some very good points.

Cherryberry listen to Show of Hands. She normally speaks sense.

I can understand why some people feel so offended by what you've said BUT I also think sometimes, if you know a thread is going to hurt you - DON'T LOOK!

So. Please don't feel guilty. I'm sorry I assumed you had conceived simply for a girl. Many people do and are gutted when it's wrong. To put how you feel in perspective, my MW was telling me about a lady currently on her list who actually found out about adoption because the baby she was carrying was the 'wrong' sex. She is having #4 after 3 of one sex and is desperate for the other sex. Now, that is extreme. And wrong.

One of my dearest mates has 3 boys and is desperate for a girl but having conceived 2 & 3 to get a girl and not got one she knows that to try specifically for a girl would be selfish. So she's trying to get over it, and instead showers little girls she knows with love. She loves her boys completely as they are her boys and wouldn't swap any of them, but she would love the experience of mothering a girl. She had a crap relationship with her mum and feels that she wants to do a better job. I took my life in my hands once and suggested that maybe the reason she didn't have girls is that with no good role model in her life, maybe she just wouldn't be the mother she dreamed of to girls. She now firmly believes this. And is reconciled to the fact that she won't have girls of her own. However, she's looking forward to daughters in law and grand-daughters!

She found out with 2&3 so she could work through her disappointment before the baby was born. In a way, she had to grieve. Not for what she had (a healthy, growing baby boy) but for what she didn't have. It can be hard, when you have a very vivid picture in your head, to move past that.

I really can't understand it from a personal perspective, but then, either I never would have felt like that or I'm lucky that I have a mix. I have 2 dds then a ds and am having another ds shortly. I found out with this one purely for curiosity. I was convinced he was a she and was a tiny bit 'oh' when they said as I'd imagined all the lovely dresses etc all over again (shallow I know, but I knit and sew and girls things are so much lovelier to make ) but now I'm really pleased. There's a big gap between dds and ds so it's good he'll have someone to keep him company and it means I've still got a lot of boys stuff and there's no issue with sharing rooms.

Don't go away. You chose a very emotive thread to start with. There are lots of reasons to stay, and pretty soon you'll develop a thicker skin so you can filter out the comments which hurt and take comfort and advice from those which are meant that way.

Keep well, and for goodness sake come back, even if it's just so I know I've not wasted all this typing!

Excellent post SOH. It really sums up how I feel about the kneejerk reactions these threads engender.

I just wanted to add to this, as I also understand where you're coming from. I'm now 35 weeks pregnant with a boy. The reason I found out was because I knew that I really wanted - even expected - a girl.

Someone earlier in the thread suggested that you do try to find out the sex of your baby, and given how strongly you feel on this issue, I do think this should be up to you rather than your husband to decide - talk to him and I'm sure he'll understand. Far easier to handle now, and seek the help you need so that when the time comes you are able to welcome your little boy whole-heartedly. For one, you may find you're having a little girl, in which case you can relax and enjoy the pregnancy, putting all this behind you!

If you find it's a boy, then you can start to manage your expectations and focus instead on the little individual character that you'll be greeting rather than his sex. Whilst you may not have the same experience as me, this is my journey:

I felt very upset after the 20 week scan when the gender was confirmed. And having had a miscarriage last year I felt horribly ungrateful, and the guilt just compounded all the other negative feelings. (But I think it goes to prove that the emotions come from completely separate places - you're not 'wrong' or a bad person to feel it.)

Over the last few months, I've raised the subject of gender preference with people - friends and family mostly, but I'm sure professional help is out there if you need it. I didn't make too big a deal of it, but wanted the reassurance that I wasn't alone - exactly as you've done here, and have proven that you're not!

But then I also sat down to think about exactly what was at the root of these feelings. Breaking it down like this enabled me to rationalise the emotions, and that really helped. The reasons were quite complex and often subconscious - to do with expectations of others, limited and negative experiences of men, even my own self-perception as a girlie person.

To get to this level of understanding has taken time as well as the support of others so I really do hope you don't give up cherryberry. It certainly isn't easy to handle criticism, especially when you're feeling fragile, so it's brave to raise a subject like this - but you did the right thing. Focus on the comments that make you feel stronger. Like all 'advice' - it's offered freely, and you take what you need from it. (But like others, I think SOH said it all so well.)

Now that I'm close to the birth, I feel much more adjusted to the idea of being mother to a boy and am looking forward to meeting him. I do hope that however you handle it, and whatever the outcome you feel better in the end, and I'm sure you'll absolutely love the new little person in your life.

xx

Cherryberry, I hope you are still reading.
I do understand how outside factors can sometimes affect (even strongly) what you feel about gender. It does affect family dynamics. Friends of mine from very traditional communities where girls are discriminated against, for example, have told me they'd hate to have daughters because they couldn't face the pressure and the diffuclties, or seeing them go through their own painful experiences.

My father-in-law wants a granddaughter. And if he gets one, my son will be pushed out, just as my husband has never been as important to his father as his sister is. Equally, if I have a boy, father-in-law will probably be disappointed and not bother to get to know him as well as my older son. Some people's attitudes mean that what you end up having is not a neutral thing.

If any of this is an issue for you, then I really feel for you. Actually, I do even if it isn't. But do talk to someone about it, and do your best to work through how you feel and why. It will be awful to go through the rest of your pregnancy feeling terrible about this, or guilty.

With my second baby I really wanted a girl, and the way I decided to deal with it was to not find out - otherwise there are weeks of feeling disappointed that you're not having a girl, which can't be the right way to receive a child into the world. Not finding out before hand meant that when my (second) son was eventually born I was just so relieved that the baby had arrived safely that all thoughts about preferred gender disappeared. I do still cherish the idea of having a girl one day, but couldn't regret the sons I have instead! I understand how you feel, I hope you find some peace within yourself.

Cherryberry01 I totaly understand the feeling of wanting a either a boy or a girl badly as im currently pregnant with my second child and i already have a 3 year daughter and would really like a boy.
I can understand people being defensive (including me) about your choice of wording in your post but like me im crap with writing how i feel haha but i once posted a message on the chat page just asking for some advice and the response i got from some mums netters was extreamly blunt and some what horrible and i left the site feeling angry that just cause people are not 'face to face' with you they can just vent at you.
Good luck with your pregnancy and hope everything goes well.

Well I have a very slight preference to have a boy in that that's what I would have chosen were we given a choice, but I think finding out the gender is the best thing to do - when I found out DD was a girl, there was a flash of disappointment she wasn't the little boy I'd imagined, but quickly you fall in love with your real life child rather than the fantasy one in your head. When she was born I was head over heels and so proud to have a daughter. Now I am so glad I did have a daughter (whereas I used to imagine wanting only boys!)

I'd love it if this next one is a boy, but if she is a DD2, I will be thrilled with my gang of little girls. I thinking finding out is the way to go.

This thread has really got me thinking.

We have 2 boys, and I've always been so glad of that, as I love all the boisterousness and mess and noise, and I guess, have never seen myself as being in any way girlie.

However, I'm now expecting no 3 (unexpectedly) and I'd really convinced myself I was having another boy, and getting really excited thinking about the 3 of them together and how much fun they'd have.

Just had a scan a couple of days ago and found out it's a girl, and I do feel unexpectedly disappointed. I wasn't really sure why, before we had kids I always thought I'd have a daughter.

However, as someone said above, family expectations really do play a part. My MIL has previously said she'd love a granddaughter, but dh's family is really traditional, with a lot of pressure on his sister to get married/have kids/help with the cooking at tier home, and absolutely none on dh, being a bloke. It makes me worried for our future dd and the unspoken messages she's going to get, and the strife I'm going to cause by challenging it.

So OP, I totally understand where you're coming from, these feelings can be strong, but hopefully won't Change how much you love your baby once s/he arrives.

i had a gender preferance (and I know the reasons for it) during my last pg.(dc2) I was certain I was having a girl. I found out at scan so I only spent 20 weeks imagining my "daughter" not 41 weeks. When my beautiful ds2 was born I ended up apologising to him for every, every wanting him to be anything other than my son. For the next four years, I still wanted a girl and would see little girls and imagine myself still having a daughter. I'm now 14 weeks with dc3. Remembering my ds2's birth has "cured" me of having a preferance. I know those with a preferance will not be lucky enough to have it suddenly disappear. I only wanted to share to let the OP and anyone else that have gender preferance that sometimes, even if you don't get your girl/boy it'll be ok. I am besotted with both my boys (but in secret will admit that I have a special soft spot for my "non-daughter")

Im sure cherryberry didnt mean she didnt want a boy and she did put she would be happy as long as the baby healthy and she knew it came across as being selfish. Cherryberry is just speaking her mind and very bravely as its not something your suppose to say really! I have a friend who has a boy and was upset when she found out she was having a girl but doesnt hide it from me and close friends. Alot of people have this idea of having 2 one of each and it can be upsetting when that happens and people are allowed to be upset but I can understand why someone who is infertile or has lost babies would have no sympathy so maybe better to just talk to close friends about it. So no you not selfish for wanting a girl so badly just be careful who you share it with.xx

I don't think you are selfish. With my first, my Mum had had 5 girls, one of my sisters had 3 girls, another sister had another girl, I oddly assumed I would have a girl, didn't even entertain the idea of a boy for some reason.

I did have a girl in the end, no idea how I would have reacted if I had a boy, probably well tbh.

I then went on to have 2 boys, and was thrilled.

I didn't long for any sex, just expected the first one. But girls are as different as boys are, even if you get a girl, you can't force them into the role you have created. My dd hates anything girly and is a big pokemon fan. She is fab, love her to bits.

I can understand, I had a girl last time and would love a bot this time. I don't feel ashamed saying that because I think often mums have a preferance for one 'secretly' but they don't like saying it out loud!
I am really hoping for a little boy, my scan is in 2 weeks so I may find out then and just hope my face doesnt drop if they say its another girl.

Having said that, once I get used to the idea of it being a little girl I certainly don't think I will be mourning over it. I think I will just start getting ready for another lovely little girl who can wear all of my DD'd clothes!!

I think often though mums can feel very strongly for whatever reason and often they feel there is a part of them missing if they don't have one of a sex.

a 'boy' sorry!