Stress over baby's surname

[expuffinbookclub]

I'm pregnant with my first child. I have a female partner and used donor sperm at an NHS fertility clinic. My parents have been very supportive but surprised me when I innocently mentioned that we planned to use my partner's surname for the baby. We will both be on the birth certificate as the legal parents. I think this will unite us as a family with me being the birth mother and the child sharing my partner's name. Neither of us are keen on a double barrel surname and I don't feel any need to use my surname anyway. My parents say it will be difficult for the child to explain why we don't have the same surname and that 'people' won't realise I'm the birth mother which makes me worry they don't accept me and my partner as equal parents or mums to our child though they deny this is the case. Anyway I have explained my reasoning to them and they have said they will accept my decision but are just 'looking out for me'. I feel they are worrying about nothing and getting overly involved. I think it would be a mistake to change my decision just to please them. Surely I am entitled with my partner to decide on a surname?

Firstly, congratulations to you & your partner!

Of course you & your partner are entitled to decide on the surname. Sod what 'people' think. :)

I think that's a lovely way to include your partner more & I'm sure this will make your partner feel a lot more involved too. FWIW, my little one will be having my Fiance's surname - perfectly acceptable in a straight relationship so why should yours be any different? :)

If your baby having a different surname to you bothers you (that's the important bit - who cares what anyone else thinks) then you could always get a civil partnership or even just change your surname?

What a load of rubbish! Not having the same surname as your child isn't likely to make people think that your any less it's mother! What about all those unmarried couples out there whose children have a different surname to one of their parents, I include myself in this category!

Similarly a friend of mine is married but chooses to go by her maiden name and her dc's surname is the same as it's dads.
Society is so different nowadays that no one bats an eyelid at things like this IMO.

Oh and congratulations!

CONGRATULATIONS!!

I am not married to my partner of 3 and a half years and my baby will be having his surname..it is exactly the same whether you are a man and woman or woman and woman. Plus it is YOUR choice. Don't let someone else bully you into a decision you don't want to make. My Parents did ask if my baby would have my surname and I said NO..and that was the end of that. I do understand the difficulty of disappointing people..but if we were married or you and your partner were married it wouldn't be a problem. (assuming you are not married/civil partners) xx

Gosh, pretty much every heterosexual woman out there gives the baby the father's surname, married or not. And nobody says anything about it being confusing! You do what you want to do, and congratulations.

I completely echo what every one else here as said.

One point from my own experience though - DS had DH's surname when he was born, I still used my maiden name. It did bother me that DS and I had a different name; I didn't think it would but it did. I can't explain why though!

Is your surname suitable for use as a middle name? I wish that mine had been - I rather miss my maiden name and if I could go back, I'm not certain that I would have changed it, but at the time it seemed the thing to do.Having my name as the dc's middle name would have been nice. But my surname really not suitable at all as a middle name alas.

Congratulations! You must do what is right for you and as has been pointed out, this is the same way of naming a child as it would be if you were a hetero couple.

I didn't change my surname when I got married but DD has DH's surname. She also has my surname as a third name (so she is first name, middle name, my surname, DH surname) but it isn't a double barrelled thing, just an additional middle name. Lets say its Jenny Megan Jones Smith (it isn't though obv). DD really likes this and often recites her full name - she knows I have a different surname to her daddy but recognises that she's has a link to both our names " you're veryhungrykatypillar Jones, mummy, and I'm a jones too. Daddy is Daddy Smith and I'm a Jenny Smith".

My challenge is getting my family to recognise her third name (which is their surname bloody hell) - they ignore it when sending letters but including reference to her first middle name. This winds me up no end.

Sorry for overly long post though! It's a subject close to my heart!!

Congrats!

I'm not married and giving the baby my (male) partner's family name. I'm not too bothered and neither is my family. However, I'm going to choose a 'traditional' family name from my side as a middle name.

Congratulations! again what everyone else said. I also kept my maiden name when I married and DD and soon to be DS have my DH's name. The only hassle I got was from my in-laws. Firstly it was a personal insult to them that I hadn't changed my name and then when DD arrived they got all over-wrought because they were worried she would be bullied at school cause her mummy has a different name! But then they are loons.

Cangratulations!

A very close friend's boyfriend got quite upset when he found out our soon-to-be will have their father's surname. He even kept on about it to our other close friends then tried debating how well a double-barreled version would go down if I must use it (he kept the conversation light, but was very much making a point) and continually asks me 'why' would I do this.

Personally I don't understand his point of view - I have the pleasure of giving birth to this one why cant the father have the chance to share his name with them? I have friends too who have chosen to go the other way, which is still just as great, though not my choice. Children seem to very much know their own identity, and even when parents are divorced/were never together they still get it! OK so I may have to get used to being called 'mrs...' by teachers etc. (doesn't bother me in the slightest) but, seriously, once I've said my piece I shouldn't have to listen to further debates being made on my bahalf grrrr

I guess there must be reasons (I try to think of my seperated/never together friends and their kids) as to why someone would be this 'concerned' but I really can't work it out, I can't imagine how awkward it must be with it being your parents who are the 'concerned' ones.

It may not be a female/female thing it may just be some people think children should always take their mothers surname (whether married or not), perhaps an 'ownership' thing? who knows :)

Thanks everyone for your advice and support. It has really helped me see things clearly and have confidence in my decision.

Congratulations and go with what you want to do re:names.

My DC don't have my surname, they have my exes name. It has been just me and them for 7 years now and no one has commented on our having different surnames. I will be changing their names soon, as I am pg with the not so new fella and we have decided to double barrel and since we have to marry in order for him to adopt the DC, we figured we might was well all have the same name as well. But that is completely different to your circumstances. We are a blended family so partly doing the name change to create a sense of family unity. You are already a family unit so what name you go by is irrelevant.

We did toy with the idea of giving the baby the double barrelled name and everyone else staying the same, but tbh thought having 4 surnames in one household was a bit much :) if DP and I weren't both so attached to our names and both the end of the line for them, we wouldn't have double barrelled so Jnr would just have had either my name or his, so one or other of us would have had a different name to our child.

I don't want to sound pessimistic, but is there any chance that your parents concern with you not being fully recognised as the birth mother is a sign that they doubt the permanence of your relationship, and see the baby as primarily yours so worry that should you break up, you might not get residency?

We're in a similar situation (two female parents), with a baby born last year. We opted to double-barrel for practicality reasons. Basically we wanted to make sure that either of us could take dc to doctors/hospitals and have secure decision-making rights as an easily identifiable parent. We live abroad and have also heard horror stories from other families with 2 female parents about over-zealous border officials questioning why one parent was traveling with a child with a different surname. By double-barrelling (sp?) either of us could travel alone with dc and it not raise questions.

Interesting point, enjoyingthesun. I dont have the same surname as my daughter but have never met with any problems re doctors or border officials, even though i frequently travel abroad alone with her to destinations in Europe and the Middle East. So while i understand your caution i wanted to share with others that this does not need to be a problem.

My mother never changed her surname when she got married in the 1970s, and I have my father's name, and no one has ever questioned it. Seriously, it was never an issue.

I also kept my surname when I got married.. it just so happens we're doing the double barrelled thing, but if I were inclined to give the paternal name only, I would not have worried in the slightest about it.

Do what is right for your family.

My 3 dd's all have their dads surname which is different mine. I gave the 2 dogs mine so i dont feel left out. Congratulations

DD has her fathers, I haven't changed my name yet and don't plan to.

My soon-to-be DC will have my name as its -only- middle name, last name will be DH's. And if there are any more (who knows), we'll do the exact same thing, so they will all have the same middle name.