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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

My mum is driving me mad!

42 replies

Vakant · 06/05/2011 18:35

I am 39+3 and my mum is starting to drive me mad. She rings twice a day, for a "have you gone into labour yet" check in and has done so since I was 38 weeks. She has asked me to call her the second I go into labour (the second, not five minutes into labour, not an hour into labout just to make sure it really is labour! But the absolute second!) so that she can begin the journey to me (she lives 3 hours away). Bear in mind that I hope to stay at home for as long as possible and I don't want her here whilst I'm labouring, nor do I want her in the delivery room when we do get to the hospital. I want it to just be me and my partner, and she knows this. She really is driving me made, how do I deal with her?!? I've told her I will call her as soon as I feel for sure I'm in labour and that she can be the first person (after myself and partner of course) to see and hold the baby, what more does she want??! ARGH.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

AlmightyCitrus · 07/05/2011 17:50

Just remember that most, if not all maternity units are secure these days and no-one can just wander in or out.
Just make it known that you do NOT want your mother present and they won't let her in.
I'd be inclined to fib and say that hospital policy says only 1 birthing partner, and obviously that must be DH. And, if she does turn up she's going to have a long lonely wait in the canteen.

Oh, and don't actually tell her you are in labour until you are leaving for the hospital.

Oh..by the way....any signs of labour yet?

Original poster

Vakant · 07/05/2011 18:37

Ha ha, no! Funnily enough, my mum just rang again to ask the same!

I've put in my birth plan that my partner is to be the ONLY birth partner present so hopefully that'll be enough to keep her out, and I think I will tell a little white lie and only call her to say I'm in labour when I am actually on the way to the hospital.

Cara - my mum wants to do the same but I've managed to persuade her to check into a hotel rather than stay with us, thankfully!

OP posts:

DuelingFanjo · 07/05/2011 22:46

Why not just not call her? By the time she has called the police and had them check up on you you may well have had the baby. If it were me I would just ring her once the baby is out and say it all happened very quickly.

littlemissliedto · 07/05/2011 23:08

3 ideas from me... but no experience of this personally!

Tell her she wasn't there (and wouldn't want to be when baby was made) and as such you really want it to be just you and your partner at the birth (ie the start and end of this pregnanacy) and that this is REALLY important to you both!

You understand she is anxious as well as excited 4 u but the pressure she is putting you under means this will end up in an arguement which is the last thing you want with her?

Maybe get your brother (or sister in law) to distract her with their kids so she has something useful to do and isn't on the phone constantly.

Oh and Good luck xxxxx

Original poster

Vakant · 08/05/2011 00:08

I will honestly never hear the end of it if I don't call her, she will go on and on and on about it until the end of time. In some ways it's easier to just give in. She just wont buy that it all happened very quickly and there was no time, she will say that me or my partner could have taken 10 seconds to make the call. If I don't call I will therefore be the bad/selfish person in all of this, and she'll never stop banging on about it. I will have to call her, just for an easy life, but I certainly won't be doing it the second I go into labour!

I've tried the 3 suggestions above, but thanks for the advice, all sound perfectly reasonable responses but I'm not dealing with reasonable unfortunately! This is what I'm dealing with - To 1. she said fine but she was very disappointed, she would want her mum with her so can't see my point of view and I am selfish, she has expressed her disappointment over and over again in the hope that I will change my mind I think, she really is like a dog with a bone. 2. she said I just have to put up with it, she is worried and her feelings are clearly more important than mine. 3. she does spend lots of time with my brothers kids, it doesn't stop her calling me though! She seems to think she has more ownership over my baby, I think because I'm her daughter rather than DIL if you see what I mean?

OP posts:

mousymouse · 08/05/2011 07:11

vakant are you sure you will never hearvthe end of it? You will never know it you don't find out for yourself.
I think this is a bit of an 'nip it in the bud' situation, how interfering will your mother be once baby has arrived?

G1nger · 08/05/2011 11:54

Personally, I wouldn't care if my mother (in your situation) did go on and on about it. I could go on and on about how domineering she's been... I'd just do what I wanted, after having made my wishes clear, and she could go and whistle if she wanted a reaction out of me after that.

Original poster

Vakant · 08/05/2011 11:54

I think you might be right actually. Time to stand up to her!

OP posts:

G1nger · 08/05/2011 11:57

Good for you! Good luck (and good luck with the birth too!).

oranges · 08/05/2011 11:58

if she is so domineering now, it will get worse after the baby arrives, so you have to stand up to her, no matter what.

Eglu · 08/05/2011 13:01

The others are right and it really is time to stand up to her. If she says you are selfish, then tell her that is the way you are and she will have to put up with it. I honestly feel sorry for you when this baby arrives as it is going to get so much worse.

littlemissliedto · 09/05/2011 00:06

Hi, the 3 points were all reasonable and you've been kind about it but maybe you now have to be cruel to be kind - ask her to "think" about what she has just said... and I mean "really think"!

Her behaviour is bordering on irrational and she may need some help - I don't mean to be cruel in saying this, but has she got anything other than you and your brother in her life as she sounds a little bit lonely?!

What i would say to her next is ...

1 . you are NOT your mum so you DON'T have to think the same way at all (incidentally was her mum present at your birth - probably not, but thats her look out not yours!). Point out you understand she is disappointed but you WILL NOT change your mind, no matter what so she ought to leave it alone! You have both said your piece and you have made your position clear and she must now respect it - period! You may be her daughter but you are an adult and about to become a mother yourself and so you need to do it YOUR way, not hers!

You can acknowlege that all mum's are probably "worried" about their daughters going into labour - lets face it, they know how labour and childbirth feel - but she needs to understand her being "worried" and projecting it in this way will increase YOUR anxiety levels which is NOT good for you OR YOUR baby...

Ownership is a difficult one - i had a very difficult conversation with my mum when my DS was very young because of the blurring of relationships and boundaries - this time I've been harder with her during my pregnancy and when she's talked about "our new baby" I've asked where the "our" comes from and put her FIRMLY in her box!

The only other bit of advice i can offer is to get your DP (or even your brother) to tell her to tell her to back off - which probably isn't the best way but it may make her sit up and listen...

I'd not like to be in your shoes in this conversation but i'm sure that tackling it this side of the birth will be easier in the longer term... good luck!

xxxx

d0gFace · 09/05/2011 13:59

Be strong and try not to let her guilt you into stuff you're not happy with. If it keeps getting worse, you'll both miss out on enjoying time together.

Its a horrible position to be in and good luck.

fatsowhale · 10/05/2011 16:59

God, what a nightmare.

My mum is exactly the same except I'm only 32 weeks, so the ridiculous behaviour is only just starting.

The other problem with my mum is she's a retired GP, so she reckons she not only has a right to be there, but that she will actually be vitally necessary. Makes it much, much more difficult to justify telling her I don't want her there.

Plus, she never gives up. Never.

KittyChat · 10/05/2011 17:26

Oh no, fatso, that sounds awful! Do you think your mum will try to shove the doctor/midwife out of the way and try and deliver the baby herself?!

fatsowhale · 11/05/2011 16:12

Absolutely! She'll go into crusading hero mode and pick fights with the midwives just to show how much she cares.

We'll just have to barricade the door or something!

KittyChat · 11/05/2011 16:23

... because nothing says 'I care' like picking fights with a labouring woman's health providers! Sincerely - best of luck to those on this thread with clingy mothers, sounds like you'll need it...

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