Visitors: 1st time Mum looking for advice on post birth guests!

[mmmcookies]

So I was hoping some experienced Mums could give me some advice on house guests once the baby comes.
My MiL wants to come and help for a couple of weeks! She'll have to travel a way (5 hour flight) so I do expect her to stay for a while, however how much time after the baby's born should she come?
I expect that DH & I will want a bit of time to get used to our new arrival and get our heads around at least some of the changes before MiL arrives. I also suspect that she won't be altogether helpful, especially when I'm with her all day! She does mean well but loves a good horror story (everything's always going to turn out badly) and it does drive me slightly loopy. She does mean well, I'm just wondering when we'll be calm-ish and able to cope!
She has also come up with the fabulous idea that once she's been here for a couple of weeks we should all make the 8 hour drive to SiLs house for a family celebration. Baby will be approx 5 weeks at this time. I think this sounds like a nightmare!
DH is supportive about not making the drive but his mum is def going to come, it's just when.
Any advice from those who've already done this?

I think it can depend on what kind of birth you've had, and how quick you recover - it's quite a shock to the system.

We visited relatives, for two nights, a five hour drive away when DD (my first) was about 8 days old - it was OK, but I felt quite ropey / tired, and had also sat on my stitches for the whole drive, which made me really uncomfortable - ouch. All my relatives thought we were mad for driving and 'doing too much', and on reflection, they were probably right.

DD is now about 3.5 weeks, and I'd say we feel like we're starting to know what to do with her, ie know when to go to her, know when to stand back, gently establishing some kind of pattern to the days and nights, breastfeeding is going ok...so I could cope with someone staying now, but not sooner. I think because now, I could stand my ground if needed, and I'm just feeling more confident. A two week stay tho - hmmm, make sure you can get out and about a bit, else you could get cabin fever.

HTH, and good luck!

My parents live in a different country and have booked flights to come over when the baby is 4 weeks old (know the dates, since ELCS), as they will stay for a week and I'd like some time to settle the new family member in first.

When my daughter was born they came at 10 weeks, which was a little bit late, so I'm glad they turn up a bit earlier this time.

My MIL stayed for a week when DD was born. She came when DD was about two weeks old. It suited us beautifully, and MIL was a great help. I would suggest that you get settled in at home before confirming the exact date you want her to stay.

My MIL came when DS was 7 days old as I wanted DH to still be on paternity leave whilst she was here so it wouldn't just be me and her whilst he was at work. She is a lovely, lovely woman but quite formal, so I had to get up and dressed every morning, lay the table for breakfast and cook in the evenings. I had a long, difficult forceps birth and really, could have spent a fortnight in bed instead of entertaining. It would have been embarrassing for everyone if I'd bf in front of her, which we were still struggling with at that point, so I spent a lot of time hiding in our bedroom trying to figure it out. My advice would be to try and get at least 4 weeks, ideally 6, without anyone staying for a long period of time.

Ooh edwinbear that sounds awful and really not helpful, when presumably that's why she was there!

That's a good point that WidowWadman made about knowing birth date. If you go over by 2 weeks (which is quite possible) and she's arranged to come 2 weeks after your due date, she could end up being there when you're in labour - no fun at all for anyone! I'd personally say, if she needs to decide before the baby comes then maybe 4-5 weeks after your due date. That way, no matter what happens and when the baby comes you'll be starting to settle into it and it should be a bit more manageable.

I didn't want anyone to stay for more than an hour, but when DD was 3 weeks and my mum stayed for 2 nights to let me get some sleep I was actually quite grateful.

Don't rule out the family party, but don't commit yourself either.

I would suggest 3 weeks after the birth and see how that goes down. if she freaks out and starts demanding she come sooner then you will know she doesn't have your best interests at heart.

Why is it a done deal that she is coming and staying for so long?

you need to make it clear that you want to spend the first two weeks with just you and DH while he has paternity leave. In fact I would question why she thinks you will need help at all.

On day 2 I had my family visit for an hour in hospital, and DH's family came for an hour that evening at home.
On day 3 both sets and SIL came for over 2 hours.

It was fine, but too much looking back. I was high on painkillers, and couldn't appreciate what could have been a lovely family time.

ILs came a couple of times during the first couple of weeks for the day - in theory to 'help', but was just to baby worship. Understandable, but 11 weeks later am still a bit resentful as would have preferred time to bond with baby and muddle through in our own way.

Next time there'll be a 2 week ban!

Tough call. I was adament that I did not want my mum to come to stay (thankfully MIL is only 5 miles away so not an issue!). But when it came to it I had mastitus and was so unwell that she ended up staying 3 weeks after my DH went back to work. I was in a state and having her there was fab. Having someone there to watch my LO while I had a shower tried to heal 2nd degree tear in teatree bath was a god send. She also went a bit mad and bought half of Waitrose (a special treat!) for us and cooked some lovely food.

Also to have someone to sit and watch crap day time TV with for hours while my LO and I were trying to establish BF was great.

BUT I get on really well with my mum, I did not give a toss about having boobs out ALL the time, she was happy to bugger of to her room to read a book/go for a welk when me, DH and LO had some time together.

So in conclusion....if you can be confident that she will be of help and not expect life to be as it was prebaby and that she is there for YOU (not the baby as you will be looking after the baby) then do not necessarily be against it. However if she is going to be like edwinbear then say NO, NO, NO! (Speaking from experience after crying while doing washing up wanting to go to bed while my MIL sat comfortably cuddling baby that also needed to go to bed, grrrr)

Apols for essay, hope it helps!

Oh to answer the question...I would wait at least 2 weeks before she came. No sooner as you are tiered and hormonal, which equals being insane, not a good combo for MIL being about.

I would no way have coped with such a long trip at 5 weeks. It would have freaked me out, was just managing getting to baby groups down the road.

So long as your DH is taking paternity and planning to be useful, I'd say to stick with the two of you for as long as that is (1-2 weeks certainly). Then I'd say 7 days is about right for both your mum and your MIL. 2 weeks will feel like a long time, especially if your DH isn't around to share the time with your MIL and she is quite hard work.

I advise a straight NO to the family event 8 hours drive away at 5 weeks. Advice is only 4 hours in a carseat at one straight go AND even if you can find a way to go in stages, or drive at night so they sleep for more of it, it's hellish (We have done 4 hour and 8 hours runs when DD was 4 months and 8 months repectively). Also, if you are BF, bear in mind at 5 weeks you might be on 2-hourly feeds (or shorter) and you will have to stop for all of them and nappy changes too. With a baby that small, even if you FF, you will also need to stop for feeds as you will have to burp the poor wee thing- can't just feed her in her carseat. Really, don't do it. Flying or train would be better as you can move around, hold the baby etc.

I completely agree with truckdriver. You need to know that if she's coming, she'll be helping you. People seem to think helping you is taking the baby while you do everything else and they pretend they know how to pacify your child. In reality you need the complete opposite.

I desperately tried to BF my DD but gave up after day 7. I think there were a lot of reasons I couldn't manage it, but one was having people around all the time. The IL's were there during my incredibly long labour, and everyone and their dog came while I was in hospital for 6 days. I think it made DD over-stimulated and made me stressed. My family didn't care about my boobs being out all the time, but IL's made loads of comments which really upset me. I must have been stressed as my milk didn't come in till day 7! The MW's couldn't believe how long it took! [cshock]
I still have a lot of resentment and regret related to not managing to BF and DD is now 7 1/2 months.

I think you may well appreciate the help, just make sure it's all on your terms, you don't feel pressured into anything and you and your DH get plenty of time alone with your LO.

Good luck with it all. [csmile]

I think that you need to make some arrangement so she can visit and see lovely new grandchild.

But you will not necessarily want a house guest at all.

Personally, I think it kind of gets in the way of you and your partner working our how your baby works and each learning how to do everything and the washing up if there is someone else there as an extra pair of hands. I would put her off, personally.

My mum is 5 hours away and works full time
Our 1st baby is due mid September.

My mum has booked off the 3rd week in September and the 1st / 2nd week of October (someone else has booked off last week september so she cant be off then)
she will ONLY stay for 1 week, and wont be staying until OH has finished his 2 weeks paternity leave. (Obviously we dont know when baby will come hence the need to book several weeks, just in case)

MIL & step FIL / FIL & step MIL are just a few minutes away (and WILL be useful /helpful to us, cause thats they type of people they are) but for most of the 2 weeks after baby is born it will be just me, OH & baby and im really looking forward to that time as mostly just us.

I might even have a few days all by myself depending on when baby arrives.

We have a family wedding 5 hours away 4 days after my due date, but we have declined the invitation, but i cant easily have a planned home birth if at the other side of the country!... If baby is early, and we both feel up to it then we just might consider it, but otherwise staying put here, with a freezer full of food, and Ocado to do my shopping!

Thanks ladies for sharing your experiences... great point about when the baby is due! I will see if we can put of booking MiLs flight until after the birth which should buy some time. I'm sure she will be helpful to a degree but I know what she's like with my SiLs and her twins so I'm sure I can expect some of the same.