Devastating.

[apricotears]

We have had the most devastating news in our family recently; I shall keep this very generic- for varying reasons I do not want to go into specifics.

A family member has just given birth to a stillborn baby quite late in the pregnancy. Truly the saddest time.

I feel so much for them; I am thinking about it constantly and cannot even begin to imagine how they must be feeling. How do you move on from that?

There is immense guilt attached to all of this though, because DH and I are currently pregnant and everything has been 'textbook' pregnancy according to the doctors. I love my LO so much and this has truly made me appreciate my healthy pregnancy, however I can't help but think this whole situation would be easier to handle if we weren't expecting.

I don't know what to say and feel so bad that we are having such an easy time when they have been robbed (so unfairly) of the opportunity to become parents.

This side of the family is small, and the link between us is close... DH and I feel like we have put everyone in the most awkward position as they are all trying to deal with their grief, whilst we are sporting a healthy bump in the midst of it all.

I am so worried that when our LO comes along (which isn't too far away) the family just isn't going to be ready. Although I know it's out of my control, just the thought of presenting a healthy baby to these parents, and to the rest of the family makes me feel SO selfish.

Life can be so incredibly unfair sometimes.

I am so sorry for the loss of the baby.You shouldn't feel guilty about your pg though.Sometimes life is just incredibly cruel as you say.xxLife can be shit at times.

Have lost partner and have a disabled child,like i say life is shite at times but LIFE DOES GO ON.it has to.please dont feel guitly about your impending happy event:)

Both my Sis-ILs were pg when my daughter was stillborn. Due in the same month. It was hideous, words can't describe how I swung from loving them for their support and being filled with envy and why me? BUT I love my niece and my nephew (even if sometimes the milestones are hard to watch) and the best thing both couples did was share their joy with me.

It would have hurt so much more if they took their babies out of my eyesight - more grief on top of my grief. I NEVER wanted to take their babies for my own, or for their baby to be stillborn. I only ever wanted my baby in my arms and holding theirs felt so, so completely different. I was happy to be holding my healthy niece and nephew and I was pleased to watch the grandparents pride (although I have to say that was quite tough). Their joy didn't take away my grief but nor did it add to it.
You need to talk to them about what they want, and don't contemplate for one second how hard this is for you. They may want time, they may want normality, if you are enjoying a healthy pregnancy you should be able to provide them with whatever they need. Also don't presume that if they go on to have a healthy baby that all this nastiness has gone away, it hasn't, someone has died and it is an absolute tragedy.
I'm so sorry for you all.

You sound really caring and not in any way "selfish". How difficult for you to be in the middle of this very very tough situation. Have you ever seen the SANDS website? You might find some information there that is useful for helping you to deal with things and help you help your family in their grief.

Well written Fearnelinen.

My DD1 was stillborn, but was a twin, so my situation was somewhat different to your relation's, as we have DTD2 and all her milestones mark those difficult moments.

I understand why you feel guilty, but there really is nothing you can do to change things. They won't be angry with you, just sad and upset at the horrible situation.

The best thing that you can do really is to acknowledge their lost child and not try to ignore what happened. The people who ignored DTD1's death have upset me more than those who have made insensitive comments.

Just try to be sympathetic, and understand that it will be difficult for them, but they will love your child and won't want you to miss out on any special moments.

One of my very close friends bought DTD2 a name a star gift set, which came with a teddy bear. Another sent a name a rose gift set (both twins have Rose as middle name). Some symbolic gift might be appreciated to show that you recognise their baby as a person. It meant a lot to me.

Also well written Loopy :)

It is so important to acknowledge this child. The symbolism is important, especially for the mum who will be feeling so lonely. If this is both of your first-borns, remember that there will be experiences that she will also go through - milk coming in, sore boobs, post partum 'stuff', that you may have been looking forward to experiencing together. You still are experiencing those things together, but the reality is so different from your hopes.

I have found throughout the last child bearing decade (?!) that there are so often situations like this. TTC at the same time as my friend on IVF with different successes, miscarriages at the same time as friends healthy pg's, my dream births followed by friends traumatic experiences. I'm sure you'll do the right thing for your family here and remember, your LO is a different bundle of joy and this experience will eventually help you all to cling to that joy even tighter.

And oh Loopy, name a star gift set, that is so special. She will always be able to look to the sky and think of her sister. My heart has melted.

Thanks for taking the time to reply. It is very helpful to hear others views, particularly those who have been through similiar experiences. I am so sorry for everyone's loss, but am so grateful that you all took the time to share and give some much needed advice.

Thanks MummyAbroad for the direction to the SANDS website, I had a look at it earlier and there was some interesting information on there.

Here's hoping the next couple of months will pass and we all deal with our grief in a way that works for each of us; particularly the parents.

Thank you again ladies.

Sorry to hear your families news - my niece was sb 2 weeks before my nephew was born.

SANDS are great I used to work for them, they also have a facebook page with lots of angel mummies and aunties on it.

Sending kind thoughts
x

sorry from me too apricotears - my cousin lost a baby at six months a few weeks ago, pretty much just as my sister gave birth. Another cousin is due just as this baby should have been born, and I too am pregnant. It is very hard, I feel dreadful for my cousin and very much sympathise with what you are saying.

All I wanted to say is that you are very kind, and kindness and grace go a long way in making any awful situation as decent as it can be x

Thanks glitternanny and crazyhead; it is nice to know I am not alone. I only hope that our family can assist the grieving parents to feel the same.

I am so sorry for the loss of this baby.

I slightly disagree with the others. I lost my twins last year (it would have been their 1sdt Birthday on Saturday actually). They weren't stillborn, but extremely premature and my pregnancy had been a difficult one. Megan died at 15 minutes old, Imogen at 9 days old.

My SIL (DH's brothers wife) was due to have their baby in July and my twins would have been due early August. They made a huge announcement of the birth and weren't at all sensitive to the fact that we had lost our girls. Since then they have bombarded (I am not exaggerating!) us by email with literally hundreds of photos of their baby. Obviously DH and I are thrilled to have a nephew (we haven't been able to see him yet as they live abroad, among other reasons) and even more thrilled that he is alive and doing very well. Both of us though, me especially (maybe as they aren't my blood family) feel very angry that they have seemingly forgotten we ever had two darling daughters of our own and lost them as they haven't handled things sensitively at all and it doesn't seem they even remembered it was our DT's Birthday on Saturday.

I suppose what I am saying is, there is no need at all for you to feel guilty, but you having your baby may be hard for them, it may not. I do agree with the others it is vitally important to aknowledge their baby and I would suggest speaking honestly with them about how you feel and aren't sure how to handle things and if they feel they'd rather not be too involved with your baby at first or want to keep their distance, you'll understand, but equally that you don't want to treat them like lepers.

I have just discovered I am pregnant with 4th child as friend as found she can't have children. Very painful but in the end life isn't fair and people know that. It doesn't mean your happiness will be resented or cause pain any more than they already have. Especially because you are clearly kind and sensitive to the situation and that makes a world of difference. It isn't fair, but your behaviour and love can make it a kinder place when things are hard. Good luck to all of you for the future.

I think what is clear is that communication is the key. It's too easy to ignore someone's loss and think 'I don't know what to say, they'll understand' but perhaps Midori's experience shows that something, anything said is better than nothing at all?

I think you are trying to do the best thing for the family and I think that you need to have a gentle discussion pretty soon. Time isn't going to stand still for you.

I have never been in this situation, and hope I won't but I would think that someone saying that they would like to know how best to help you deal with their situation can't be wrong, can it?

Be very gentle and understanding and forgiving. Grief can make you do and say things you don't mean, I do know that from experience.