Over-zealous auntie-to-be - any advice/reading matter?

[dizzy77]

I'm 36wks now and met my family yesterday to talk about when they want to be told about the big event now it could happen at any time...

I'm having the first baby in my generation of our family and my "little" sister (age 31) is very excited to be an auntie for the first time. She has started talking about visiting us every day on her way home from work to stare at the baby and has a habit of buying lots of unsuitable gifts. In front of auntie-to-be, I asked my mum if she'd be contingency plan as birth partner in case DH is indisposed, and sis chimed in "of course, anything we can do to help just call".

Whilst I think I was quite firm that we won't be taking visitors every day, and if she wants to come round she can do something useful like put the hoover round, DH is nervous about this, as am I: whilst I get on fine with her, we're not the sort of sisters that spend lots of time together and I'm really surprised by her quite childish approach and lack of self awareness about this.

I realise she has no idea about the reality of life with a newborn as in fairness, neither did I until I started reading after the BFP. Does anyone have any recommendations for concise "how to be a good auntie"/"how to help new parents" pamphlets/webpages that I can put in front of her? Happy to have a conversation as I don't want us to fall out and I think she'll be a great resource in future, but I will be driven to murder if she behaves in the way she is implying.

I think you are being a bit mean. She has said 'anything we can do to help just ask'. She is excited for you. And to say you don't want to fall out because she will be a great resource for you in the future just makes it sound like you only want her around to do stuff for you. She sounds willing to help but wants to be an auntie too and part of that is seeing/playing with the baby.

I think you should just tell her, when people are excited they don't always hear what you are saying. Invite her round for a coffee and just say look it's your first, you aren't sure how you and DH are going to work things once the baby is born and you'd like to play it by ear if that's ok, please call before coming over. Tell her you can't wait for her to be an auntie and you're sure she'll be great but you need her first and foremost as sister. Tell her your worried that you're going to be knackered and not sure how you'll cope with a lot of visitors could she help act as guard dog to keep the well wishers at bay so you can sleep. Then she may understand your concerns without hurting her feelings.

I do understand and I don't think there's anything wrong with worrying about this. I'm not hugely close to my sister and can see the same thing happening for me. I also understand that whilst for some people they are happy to have their family regularly visit after their baby has arrived others are more private when they have a new addition. It's about what you and your DH want.

If that fails speak to your mum, maybe she can tell her to back off without making it sound rude or causing any family problems.

I completely understand what you mean dizzy! I've had lots of issues with IL's (who I barely new before DD came along) and one friend doing this. When my sister gave birth after emcs, this friend turned up in the recovery room saying "she couldn't just sit at home", WTF? Yes you can!

When I went into labour my IL's spent 2 days in my living room while I was upstairs screaming, making me feel uncomfortable (cue 68 hour labour!) They said they needed to be there, although my mum and sister (who I'm very close to) didn't turn up until I called them.

I made a huge mistake in not setting out boundaries beforehand and am now paying for it.

I have no idea about leaflets but you do need to have a serious conversation, first with your DP about what you both want/don't want, then with her.

i had a friend who was like this right from the start, mega excited when i was freaking out and talking of what to buy it and how often she was going to come over etc.......we weren't even that close!

but now, at 24 weeks, its nice she is so excited and I know I can tell her to back off if she gets too much, and if she is round too much I can tell her to bugger off :) it was good to have that heart to heart (or rather I told her to fuck off and she laughed at me and said ok and didnt take offense)

but, i dont understand why no one can just say "don't come round, i'm knackered, you can see the baby another day"? i would never turn up at someones house uninvited when they have a baby, and if I did I wouldn't (and haven't) taken offense when told its a bad time

I think you're being a bit negative about your sister. She's excited and is trying to be nice to you. Once the baby arrives the novelty may wear off a bit. I very much doubt she will pop in every evening after work. However, you might find it handy if she does so you can get the dinner on while she looks after the baby.

Like you said you don't know what it is like looking after a baby since it's your first, as it is her first time being an auntie. Just tell her you appreciate her help but don't want to commit to anything until the time comes because you'll be adjusting to the baby and don't know how it will pan out.

In the meantime relax and enjoy your sister's support.

theonlyhb2 I have said many times that my IL's and friend need to call and arrange to come round, and when they've turned up and I've not wanted to see anyone or we're just going out they totally ignore me.
In the first few weeks they were here from leaving work till going to be (seriously!) and DP and I ended up either cooking and feeding them or not eating at all.
I have been late for so many things because they won't leave. I've been stood at the door with my coat on, bag on my shoulder, car seat next to me saying we've got to go and they don't move their bloody arses for another half hour. It annoys me no end.

Journey for me, my DD is now 7 months and they're not much better, it certainly hasn't worn off!

Thanks for the ideas and the points of view gang: I can see how this comes across as potentially negative and unappreciative which is why I'm after help to put this positively. We're not (or haven't been till now) a "popping round" sort of family which is why this feels so strange. I also know she can take things very personally so any "it's not a good time" type conversations in the moment might lead to fireworks, so I'd like to set the boundaries early.

Pixie I like your approach: talking about our concerns more generally and giving sis the chance to offer more constructive help (than "staring at the baby" which is what she said she'd do), before its old enough to appreciate her looking after it.

I agree Journey - I might really appreciate her coming round and taking time to look after DC so I can get on with something else, so I'm keen to be sensitive to her offer as she is really excited.

Saoirse, I empathise: we have neighbours like this but they feel much easier to deal with than family!

You could talk to her in a third-person way, e.g. "at an antenatal class or MW visit the community MW was talking about the importance of afternoon naps / sleeping when the baby sleeps / not waking the baby / etc etc." This is particularly relavant if you plan to BF (don't overstimulate the baby). My MW did actually talk about this, she relayed a story about visiting some poor family who were just home from hospital and various relatives, friends and neighbours had descendedon them and were clearly there to visit, not to help out. The MW took one look at the baby, mum and dad and could see they were in no state to entertain, so told the visitors in no uncertain terms that the baby was sleeping, stop prodding it to wake it up, if you want to be useful make the parents a cup of tea and something to eat while they write a shopping list for you and get their dirty laundry together. And don't return until you have done their shopping / laundry! Could you relay a story like that? Otherwise say that the MW gave advice that ?

I can understand people being excited a bit, though I have never presumed to visit anyone who is heavily pg or has a new baby, but for me anyway the priority has to be the baby. And the best thing for the baby is to not to be overstimulated, for the parents to have the time and energy to look after it and themselves... everyone else has to come second to that and anyone who doesn't realise or understand when told is someone I don't mind offending.

I have been clear with family that we'll let them know when we are ready for visitors. Realistically, no-one knows how the birth and first weeks will go, so plans cannot be set in stone. Yes, it's lovely that people want to see you and the baby but those that are useful and considerate should be top of the list IMO.

Yes - it does sound like you're being negative.

BUT I totally understand this feeling. When I had my DS1 4 years ago my MIL was exactly the same. She planned (without consulting us) to move to a flat down the road and was ringing up and inviting herself over all the time.

I found it impossible to say no to her because she was/is so incredibly thick skinned and could not get direct or indirect messages.

In the end I lost it with her one day and then my sister (who I'm very close to) suggested that I put boundaries down. I realised I'd never done this at all. So me and DH decided on what we thought was acceptable and then made an equal rule for everyone in our family that we would see them a certain number of times per year.

It has not lasted as this - but at the time gave me great confidence in being clear that we were in control or who, what and when came through our front door.

I dont think you are being negative at all. You have identified a potential problem and are quite sensibly looking at ways of dealing with it before it becomes a real problem. Good for you.

Does your sister like reading? Could you give her any pregnancy/breastfeeding books that you have? You said yourself, before you read them, you had no idea what it was really going to be like. Perhaps reading these books will educate her as its educated you? Hopefully once she realises what life with a newborn is really like she might be able to help you in truly constructive ways.

If she is not a big reader and you need something really concise, how about signing her up for weekly emails from www.babycentre.co.uk? Put in your due date and it will tailor the information to your stage - I am sure there is lots of stuff near the end of pregnancy/newborn stage which is all about dealing with visitors.

If none of this works though, dont forget that you can, and should, take your sister at her word when she says "anything we can do to help, just call" When she shows up, make sure you have a prepared LIST of shopping/cooking/cleaning chores and ask her to do them. She wont have time for baby staring then.

Just wanted to f/up my post quickly with thanks for all the contributions - I just spent a lovely afternoon baking with little sis who said she's going to take her lead from us when LO arrives. You all gave me lots to think about: I talked about the concept of a "babymoon" and finding our own way for the first couple of weeks, and I think she's obviously been talking to other friends about what the first few weeks/months with a newborn are REALLY like. She talked about the practical ways in which she can help, and how she'd like to be part of her neice/nephew's life. Owlmaster your 3rd party approach was a great way to introduce the topics as things-we've-been-talking-about-at-AN-classes, thank you.

I also took MummyAbroad's really sensible suggestion of signing her up for the Babycentre emails - she's found the first couple fascinating and was very solicitous to my very pregnant self this afternoon! Thanks again team. Dxx