Awkward and confused. I don't know what to do.

[doyoumissmetoo]

DP spent yesterday at a theme park with his ex and the boys(aged 7 and 10). They then went to a family BBQ at his ex's parents place where they stayed pretty much all night. It's not just days out, DP often goes over to her house for supper etc. This morning he left extra early so he could go there and set up the easter egg hunt for them.

I knew from the start of this that DP and his ex were close and I think it's lovely that they get on well enough to spend time together but it's no secret that the eldest wants them to get back together. Do you think days like this are hindering his acceptance that they are divorced? When I spend time there DSS1 completely blanks me and refuses to acknowledge me, I know it's a difficult age but I sometimes wonder if its partly to do with his expectations that his parents will one day reunite and live happily ever after.

I hope this doesn't come across in the wrong way, I just think it must be confusing for them both - one day spending time with Mummy and Daddy and everything being lovely and the being at Daddy's house with me there. I don't tend to go there often when they're there (DP doesn't want to upset DSS1) but when I am there I'm often sent home after an hour or so.

Anyway, to make things 100 times more complicated and confusing I've just found out I'm pregnant. I've not told DP yet and to be honest I don't know if this is right at the moment. I'm on the pill and I'm not sure what the hell has happened. If I continue with the pregnancy I don't know where I stand. I've even considered breaking things off with DP and moving somewhere to have the baby on my own, I just don't know what to do. In some ways I know a termination and going back to normal would make the most sense but I don't think I could do that. I've always wanted children but this couldn't have come at a worse time.

DP's ex doesn't even know that he's with someone (part of me wonders if she did know would she be so insistent on family outings and him going there so often - I don't know). This is all one big mess. When he's here I feel I can just be normal and almost put it all out of my head for a bit but all of last week and yesterday and now this morning I've been dwelling on this. These circumstances aren't how I imagined having my first child! I love him but we don't live together. His boys spend half the week at his house and I appreciate that this is their time with him.

So yes, that is what is on my mind. No one knows I'm pregnant yet - it's very early on and I don't want to tell anyone if I don't end up going through with it though. I couldn't bear it.

Yes it all a big mess. How long have you been with DP? How long he and his ex have been separated?
I agree that this is confusing for their children. If he wants things to be serious with you he should reconsider his relationship with his ex.
Having a child on your own is pretty hard and unfair on your DP. Maybe you should bite the bullet and have a frank discussion with him.

I know I need to talk to him about this. I would never have the baby on my own - it's just one of the mixed up thoughts I have flying around my brain at the moment.

We've only been together for 8 months. He and his ex have been divorced for 4 years.

You need to tell your DP. A lot of the information you need to make your decision will be in his reaction. I mean he could be delighted and excited and want to move in with you and tell his ex and kids all about it. If you have met his Kids then to be honest I expect the ex does know about you by now. As harsh as this sounds you need to put yourself first, your baby second and everybody else third. Talk to DP and see what he says.

ladyintheradiat0r sometimes if he's had a drink, but he sleeps on the sofa. I think he likes being there when the boys wake up.

It sounds really hard. I was once briefly involved with someone with a kid, and therefore responsibilities to an ex-partner, and it wasn't for me. I know that's harsh, and I'd feel differently if I had children myself (it would seem 'fairer') but I'm quite a territorial person and need to know what my 'space' is.
It isn't a situation for everyone, and even if DP behaves perfectly, puts huge pressure on you to be generous spirited.

Strikes me that at 8 months, you haven't even had the chance to work out if it a man with these sorts of responsibilities for you - what could DP do for you to make this OK, or do you just not want this situation?

I'd suggest going to Relate for a couple of sessions to clear your head (really helped me) and see if that gives you some clarity, and naturally to talk to DP. I hugely sympathise with you, and I wish you the very best.