When did you tell people in a 'higher risk pregnancy'

[crazyhead]

OK - I'm nearly 11 weeks, and this is my first pregnancy. I've had a couple of scans and baby seems fine so far - 'official' 12 week scan in a couple of weeks. However, due to what may be an unusually shaped womb plus bleeding, I now have an assessment at the prematurity clinic at 14/15 weeks, and a consultant appointment at 18 weeks - then of course, looms the 20 week scan....

I always assumed I'd tell my parents etc after the 12 week scan, because I thought that would feel like a safe 'first hurdle'. But I've really lost that feeling - it just feels like one of many hurdles and assessments, and I don't know when me and my OH should tell our parents. The complicating factor is that my Mum is currently being tested for epilepsy after a fit - and I'd really love to tell her at a stage when things look good because clearly she has her own worries at the moment! But then what if I wait to 20 weeks and things STILL go wrong...

I'd love to hear the thoughts of anyone who's had a vaguely similar experience

It might be sensible to tell people at the stage where if anything went wrong, they would know something was up anyway and could give you support. I am considered 'higher risk' and despite everything going very well and being set on making 'the announcement' after 12 wks, I knew around 10 wks that if things went wrong at that stage I would be so devastated that family would certainly know about it and I would be looking to them for support. Therefore I told just the people who I felt would support me and the rest, I told later. It was really tough to do because naturally the people I told were all excited and saying well-meant things like 'oh I'm sure everything will be fine'. Keeping it quiet for a long time, for me was harder than telling people earlier along with warnings not to get too excited and a brief explanation about why (not too much detail as it gets people googling and trying to advise!) Good luck x

I lost a baby at 18 weeks due to a blood disorder which I was receiving treatment for. The blood disorder makes me more likely to have premature births and late miscarriages. In that pregnancy I did not tell anyone until an early anomaly scan at 16 weeks and of course lost the baby anyway 2 weeks later. In the next pregnancy although my drugs were increased I did not feel safe enough to tell anyone who didn't need to know until the baby could be helped if born early i.e. 24 weeks.

The only problem was I started to show about 18 weeks and so if I was seeing people I had to tell them. I guess the main thing for me was I didn't want to be the subject of gossip like I was with the baby I lost - I didn't want friends of friends, mum's friends, people I was at school with, talking about something so sad and so personal like it was a bit of news. It killed me that people I didn't like would be talking about it. So in the next pg only my Mum and sis and the in laws knew and they were all under strict instructions not to tell anyone.

Hope my experiences help.

Some of my experiences have forced me to learn that, even in a seemingly low risk pregnancy, there's always the capacity for things to go wrong. My 1st pregnancy was a breeze, but since then things haven't been so straightforward and I'm now higher risk. I think regardless of how high risk the pregnancy is, the right time to tell people is the point at which you'd need their support if things were to go wrong (or when you really can't hide it anymore).

I have a different lists of people that I tell at different times - my DSis and a couple of close friends tend to find out very early, as I've had problems previously and they've always been there for me - and I trust them to keep it secret. My DMIL blabbed with DD1, so we now don't tell her until we're happy for the world to know. I'm not that close to my parents so wouldn't tell them before the PILs. There isn't a universal right answer - just the answer that's most right (or least wrong) for you.

Hmm - thanks - these thoughts have given me a lot of room for thought. It is very true what you say Tangle, 'low risk' is just a thing you are until you find out you aren't by something going wrong. It is all so theoretical!

Given I've had the warning, I feel like I could absorb a knock for the next few weeks between me and my darling OH (it wouldn't be much worse than now) So maybe after the 14wk prematurity clinic is a good time - I'll have more information so won't be dangling such question marks, but it isn't as awful for me as later.

It is funny - the medical thing aside, my little sister (who does know) just had a dear little baby and my parents are just elated - me and sis have been late producers and my Dad keeps ringing with updates on the new arrival. I sort of want them to be able to just enjoy that and not have to fret about me.

PS I'm inclined to be with you on the caginess about telling the whole world thing, deardoctor. I'd far rather that was in the last few months or weeks! that the 'world knew' even in a straightforward pregnancy!

It is ironic - I'm much less concerned about telling friends. It is just less upsetting for them if it goes wrong. Two of my cousins lost babies at 6 months, and I saw how much it hurt the wider family. So sad to have to spread pain, and well as go through it yourself.

I decided to tell close family and friends after 12 weeks. Everyone else I told when I saw them in person but only if I was showing at that stage. This helped as when I was classed as 'high risk' my close friends and family where there to support me.

This is my 1st pregnancy and I am 35, and no previous mc, and all this combined put me in a higher risk category. I was very worried about so many things going wrong and didn't start telling people until 22 weeks (I was pretty slim and didn't show much either). However, I told my parents straight away, and then in-laws and 2 best friends at 16 weeks.... I think people will understand. Good luck!