cheering up twin sister

[candr]

I am finding it really hard to not make my twin sister feel sad about me being pregnant (although I know she is happy for me too), i am married, good job lovely husband and to her (and me) it seems i have everything i want. I have had to work hard and take risks etc to get here which she is not prepared to do but she is single, rents above a pub and has part time job. I am going to stay with her this wekend but am worried her friends will just talk babies. If I were her I would be stressing too as nearly 33 yrs old I know she is desperate for a baby but wants to find right man first. How can I cheer her up without rubbing salt in the wound?

I would say, avoiding the subject will just make it stick out like a sore thumb, but if I were you, I would also make a concerted effort to show interest in her life at the moment and what she's up to/how she's feeling. When I was trying for a baby and it seemed like it would never happen, and my bf was pregnant, it would make me feel a bit sad but I still wanted to share the excitement with her and know all about it. I just didn't want it to monopolise the conversation (which it so easily can). Hope that made sense?!?

"I have had to work hard and take risks etc to get here which she is not prepared to do"

You see, this attitude makes me wince a little and perhaps she senses your censure?

We all consider to an extent that we:

work hard
take risks
are courageous

None of us like to admit that we (and I include me in this):

are inherently lazy
are plain lucky
can sometimes be a bit smug

So you are effectively judging her a bit and maybe that's what any tension is about?

Just get on with it and don't bring it up unless she does.

I have reread and I sound harsher in black and white than I intended! Sorry.

You sound very caring and maybe she is a little passive and luckless.

You can't change it, you can't avoid it, but you can stop yourself from talking about it all the time and at the same time take an interest in what she likes and hold off on the advice.

OP, I think otchayaniye is making sense. I'm sorry, but I also read your post as being quite smug.

I know you're trying to do the right thing but I would hold back on the pity and not feel that it's up to you to protect your sister. That's not to say, of course, that you shouldn't be considerate of her feelings but I'd argue that you can't alter how she feels (and it's not really you making her feel that way, it's her reaction that will make her feel a certain way about a situation).

Hard as it may be, just be yourself. Be happy about what's going in your life - there's no need to hide that this is a wonderful thing for you - talk about it but don't go on about it. Be interested in her and what's going in in her life, don't pity her and treat her as the adult she is, able to make her own choices.

I say all of this as someone who has a real tendency to fall into the trap of being smug, so I'm not berating you for it.

Hope you enjoy your weekend together.

Oh, and congratulations!

Thanks, I really did not mean to sound smug but I find it very fustrating as she moans constantly about her life and compares it to mine which makes talking about jobs etc difficult, I am a teacher and she helps in a school but wants to teach she just won't do the study. I'm thinking gardning may be a safe topic. You are right she mkes her own choices but it is hard when I can put myself in her shoes about the being single and feeling the body clock ticking even though she has plenty of time, I just desperatly want her to be happy in herself. I hope I don't sound like I pity her when I talk to her but have not said these things to her incase. Typical love hate sisterly relationship I suppose.