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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

How to tell someone who can't have children

25 replies

LB1982 · 20/04/2011 11:35

I'm sorry if this offends anyone - I know if something happens to someone in my life which I know will never happen to me, I am happy for that person and although there might be an initial feeling of envy, it's soon replaced by happiness for them - But that's me.

I want to tell a colleague so that someone at work knows. I am only 6 weeks but the person I want to tell cannot have children - not because of any health issues but because she married the wrong man, separated after 10 years and now it is too late.

She is very fragile and suffering from depression. I know that she is extrememly bitter about never having children.

Will she be resentful and offended or flattered and happy? Does anyone have any experiences?

Thanks in advance :)

OP posts:

thefurryone · 20/04/2011 11:41

If you just want someone at work to know why have you decided on this particular person? Is there not someone else? I know this woman will need to know eventually but it seems odd that you've decided to single her out at this stage.

BarbieLovesKen · 20/04/2011 11:46

Was just about to say the same as teh furryone, if you just want someone at work to know, then why choose her?

urbandaisy · 20/04/2011 11:46

I agree. Is there someone else you can tell who is not in this situation? It seems like a doubly heavy burden to place upon her, given that she'll be the only person who knows, and therefore she may feel a responsibility or that it is encumbent upon her to be showing she is massively happy for you all the time. If she's one of a larger group who know, she's able to slip into the background a bit more when she's finding it difficult.

When you do tell her, make sure you do it in person, and gently. You need to understand that her reactions and emotions are likely to be very mixed over this -- she is likely to be genuinely happy for you, but that may be overshadowed by the fact it reminds her of what she doesn't have. But from what you've said, it wouldn't be doing her any favours to tell her now and make her the only person who knows.

Original poster

LB1982 · 20/04/2011 11:46

Hi Furry.

She is my closest friend here and the only person who I and trust. I also know if anything happened she would be very supportive because she was when I miscarried last year (I didn't tell her prior to miscarrying but I was in a state at work and told her).

OP posts:

peanutbutterontoast · 20/04/2011 11:50

I can't really understand why she'd be flattered tbh? I expect she'd rather just get on with her life - other people have babies, that's hard when for whatever reason you can't/didn't - without having other people's pregnancies rubbed in her face.

Original poster

LB1982 · 20/04/2011 11:51

I mean the year before last, not last year (the mc was not a planned pregnancy so it's not as if she knows I was trying this time - which I was).

OP posts:

LoveACuppaTea · 20/04/2011 11:51

you could tell her but I wouldnt "put it in her face" so to speak. Dont let that be ALL you talk about.

When my brother had a baby I couldnt bare to be around him or his gf. And Im not a very good auntie either.

Marabou · 20/04/2011 11:54

I would just wait until I was 12 weeks and then tell HR..

peanutbutterontoast · 20/04/2011 11:55

well if she's your closest friend rather than just a colleague then that's obviously different.

Original poster

LB1982 · 20/04/2011 11:58

Thanks everyone. Maybe it's best I leave it and tell all my colleagues at the same time in a few more weeks. You are right - it's quite a burden for her. I couldn't find the right word - flattered is not quite right.

I feel flattered/privileged (probably still the wrong word) when a friend shows trust in me. It's very rare because I'm very crap at showing compassion! :)

OP posts:

Prunnhilda · 20/04/2011 12:08

It doesn't sound as though you need to tell her at all. Do you really?

I am not able to have any more children and if someone came to me basically looking for a bit of unnecessary attention and hoping I'd be flattered at the intimacy, I simply wouldn't. I'd be angry at being used as someone's confidante in a really quite painful situation.

If you do decide to, though, whatever you do, don't say anything like 'I know this must be hard for you' - it's very patronising. People do get pregnant all the time, and most of us deal with that fine and don't need or want to make a big deal out of it. Allow her the dignity to hear the news and sort her own reactions out.

Original poster

LB1982 · 20/04/2011 12:22

Thanks Prunn. I wouldn't be doing it to seek attention. I will get plenty of attention from my family and my DP over the next few months and to be honest, I can't wait and that's all the attention I'll need.

It would be because I would like someone here to know because I'm terrified something will go wrong and generally I might feel less isolated and it would be nice for someone who I work with to know (I'm so crap with words but I know what I mean!!!)

You've guys have made me decide not to say a word and that's what I came here for - So thank you very much all :)

OP posts:

chandellina · 20/04/2011 15:03

well you're going to tell her at some point - it's not like she'll never know (assuming all goes well). When I was going through miscarriages, infertility, IVF, etc. it really annoyed me when people would tip-toe around me and NOT want to tell me they were pregnant because of fear of offending me. Or introduce the news with caveats like, we know this might be hard for you to hear ...
That's ridiculous, IMO. Every childless woman sees babies and children every day - if they are that bitter they can't be happy for a friend, something is wrong.

soandsosmum · 20/04/2011 15:43

having waited three years for our baby, i think you're right to think about telling her before others. it will give her a chance to respond to it privately (I used to go and have a little cry) as well as being happy for you.

i am now 8 months pregnant and had a good friend around last weekend who cant have children and also suffers from depression - she knew of course, and was wonderful about it, but I did ask her how she was feeling and was as sensitive to her as i possibly could be.

depression's a hard one to throw into the mix - but if you know and love your friend, I'm sure you'll be able to find a good time to chat with her about it.

stellamac · 20/04/2011 19:39

I agree, it's a really difficult situation. I have a slightly similar situation with a friend. I told her on email as I knew that it would be upsetting, but only for her own reasons and not anything to do with how she feels about my news. Once she had digested it she was really happy for me. There might be an obvious time when you can tell her without it seeming like a big deal and not "set up" which may make her feel a bit uncomfortable.

I think this situation is so difficult and I am really aware of it because I used to be the other person. I cried when I found out a close friend was pregnant. It was hard to explain or justify why I felt like that but I did. Good luck in your pregnancy and I'm sure your friend will be really pleased for you.

LunaticFringe · 20/04/2011 19:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

candr · 20/04/2011 21:53

soandso mum has good advice, it will be hard to hear but as your closest friend she will be happy for you but finding out infront of others may be hard for her, having a chat away from the office seems best option. Good luck to you, you are just trying to protect her feelings but like others said, don' t patronize. Congrats to ya x

Prunnhilda · 21/04/2011 09:45

Telling people in general is different though: it's being singled out as sole confidante early on that the OP was (kindly and sensibly) asking about.

People who are having trouble conceiving quite simply need to be able to deal with pregnancies because friends and family are going to go on having babies for the rest of our lives. I don't think it's really the business of the pregnant person to second guess my reaction.

Personally I think anything that really obviously singles me out as having got special treatment when it comes to telling me - it really niggles. I totally agree about not telling her in a room full of people but in general I like the 'by the way, I'm pregnant' approach, rather than the 'I thought I ought to tell you first in case it's hard for you' line (not that anyone's saying the OP is going to do this I am just getting it off my chest). I have had this done to me and the pregnancy news is the easy bit: the assumption that the woman thought she had the power to upset me made me uncomfortable.

Lookandlearn · 21/04/2011 10:56

I agree with no special treatment. Just tell her when you would tell anyone else and in the same way. Even people with children are not always wanting to hear about pg. I had serious infertility problems and although I now have two dc and expecting third, I can be caught on a bad day when dc playing up and not particularly want to talk pg and babies. Tell in a straightforward way and then be led by others on how much they want to know or ask. Do not under any circumstances say the words "I know this must be hard". You don't and assuming you know how someone feels in a situation takes away a little bit more control or privacy.

Lookandlearn · 21/04/2011 11:27

Btw, prunnhilda, you have so captured how I used to feel about it. Very insightful. The next worst thing to thinking I might not have children was not the clinics, the treatment, the waiting. Was def the odd few patronising and assumption making comments made by people. So much so that when we had miscarriages between dc 1 and2 I was very careful who I told.

Original poster

LB1982 · 21/04/2011 12:22

Thanks everyone for your kind advice. It never crossed my mind to tell her in such a way to make her feel uncomfortable by saying anything along the lines of "I know this may be hard for you to hear but....". I understand that is completely insensitive. I was considering telling her just like I would tell any of my other friends and I agree that not making a big deal would be the way to go. I like the advice of not complaining either. That is a peice of advice I will take wherever I go (apart from to DP :) )

I have since decided not to say a word yet. She is not my closest friend - she is my closest friend at work. I think I'll tell her at the same time I tell another lady who I feel fairly close to and not make a big deal to either. I'll do that at 12 weeks after my first scan when I know all is ok.

She's such a nice lady and I know she'll be happy. She's godmother to all her friend's and sister's children but she's said to me before that she feels people only ask her because they feel sorry for her.

The only people we have decided to tell are DP's parents and my brother. Now I have read your comments and you guys have made me think about it, although if anything goes wrong it will be very difficult at work, it won't actually make me any less devastated if someone else at work knows and I think it's best I wait.

Thanks all :)

OP posts:

SkinittingFluffyBunnyBonnets · 21/04/2011 12:30

If you are afraid something may go wrong then the person to tell is the manager. Not a fragile friend who is not going to have children ever.

Original poster

LB1982 · 21/04/2011 13:48

Thanks ski

OP posts:

Prunnhilda · 21/04/2011 16:13

Lookandlearn, it's horrible to be standing there going 'It. Is. Fine. Actually.' and thinking 'How DARE you pity me like this?' isn't it? And of course if you do anything other than a fixed smile, it looks like you can't handle someone being pregnant, but really you are just feeling stabby because you've been slightly infantilised.

OTOH I am sure there are some women who really appreciate being thought of in this particular way, and can handle the slightly soap-opera-y drama of it. I'm quite hard-faced about it, I think! (Whilst being happy for people, of course.)

SmartWiFey · 26/04/2011 11:05

Congratulations LB, don't let this one little worry spoil your mood, or your friendship with this lady.

I'm in your friend's situation at this very moment and have just been told my friend is 6 weeks pregnant. We were practically the first people she told, and although I am beyond jealous and a bit weepy at the moment, I am so glad she has told us first rather than have it dropped on us from a great height during the "big" announcement in front of other people.

If the lady was just an "office acquaintance" then I would have said to leave it alone, she will only feel like you're singling her out as a "freak". However, it sounds like you have been good friends and a support for one another and she may appreciate being told in advance. It's going to hurt her whether she's told 6 weeks along or 6 months. It sounds harsh, but we have to deal with these things, it's life.

By the way, I didn't even attempt the fixed smile and "It.Is.Fine.Actually." I said "Aw, not you as well", and went in a huff. I'm such a pleasant character! But she knows I'm happy for her even if I'm sad for me.

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