Advice - managing visitors (nicely!)

[nearlytherenow]

DC2 is arriving by ELCS early next week. Without going into too much detail, I had an awful birth with DS, ending in an EMCS. After about 48 hours he was admitted to SCBU with a neonatal infection. The whole experience was really traumatic and difficult and I felt so shaken up. During the 48 hours before he was admitted to SCBU we had a constant stream of visitors - family and friends, starting 2 hours after my EMCS - and I just didn't feel up to it (much if this time I was still cathaterised, drugged up, and unable to move). Both my mother and MIL in particular were very quick to whisk DS out of his cot and parade around with him, and we have numerous photos of them with brand new DS (but practically none of me as I was just too ill). I remember lying in bed feeling absolutely helpless while everyone else fussed over my baby and ignored me.

I really want things to be different this time. I totally appreciate that grandparents will want to meet the new arrival, so (much as I would like to ban visitors for the first few days) have decided that we will allow shortish visits from immediate family the day after my ELCS. However I really don't feel comfortable with everyone picking up the baby. I want the bonding time which I didn't have the last time, and I'm terrified about another neonatal infection. I'm sure after a week or so I'll feel differently, but I would just like the first few days to be special for me, DH and DS, and for everything to go smoothly. Does this really sound unreasonable? And if not, how can I explain this nicely to the new grandmothers (who are the people likely to be bothered)? They are both very strong personalities, and my attempt to explain it to my mum much as I've said it here was shot down in flames.

I do think you're being a bit unreasonable - it's one thing to say no visitors, but another to say come and see the baby, but you're not allowed to touch (although I understand why)

If you really don't want anyone else picking him up, then either keep him/her in your arms, or if DC is in the cot, tell any visitors not to pick him/her up as they are sleeping, and then grab them as soon as they wake up if necessary.

I just used to stand next to the dcs with the water free antibac gel and say 'Gel please' holding out the container before anyone picked up dcs! and had a carton in most rooms so everyone soon got used to teh fact they had to use it!

And trying to stop a grandparent picking up their grandchild? You are going to hold back the tide first

I would just say no visitors until your home.

Im due a ELCS by the end of the month too and ive said the ONLY visitors on the first day is my mum and thats cos shes bring DS to meet his twin brothers. I dont want the inlaws there if im still numb etc etc - did this with DS and regret ALL the pics as its obvious im in pain and not with it and refuse to do it again. The 2nd CS was with twins who were whisked off to SCBU (these ones might be yet) and luckily I had them early evening so no visitors anyway :)

Sorry but its you going through it you cant have visitors and stipulate what they can and cant do so just say you dont want to see anyone for 48 hours or when you get home (and dont tell people when you get home for 24 hours lol)

One of my fondest memories is of me 4 hours post CS having to hold my tummy in pain laughing while my now departed Gramps was farting with every step whilst walking on to the ward to visit his great grandchild. Hard as it is to accept they are not just your children........

I also think it would be easier to say no visitors til you're home rather than allow visitors but expect them not to touch the baby.

my sil when had twins had a fab 'matron' or ward sister? who offered to put a blanket ban on all visitors, so you could talk to the ward you will be on to look at if this is an option they would be willing to help with?

Yanbu. I'd say no visitors for the first week. I kept everyone at bay when I had DC2 by ELCS - and they are all still talking to me.

I e-mailed my family and said we wanted peace and quiet so I could recover and even when they did come round I wouldn't be making them any tea. My mum & stepdad, dad & stepmum came to see me in hospital but they only stayed for a few minutes and brought me newspapers / chocolate / sandwiches. My then P told his family we wouldn't be up for visitors for a while, they didn't come round for 2 weeks, there really wasn't any fall out from it. It was lovely being left in peace and did me the world of good.

You're having a major op, they should be grown up enough to realise you don't want people under your feet while you recover.

I don't think you're being unreasonable but I also agree that if you have visitors it will be difficult to stop them from touching the baby (esp. grandparents) so I would say no visitors for a while is easier...just tell them nicely beforehand and make DH reinstate it and stick to it :) I also think you can easily not tell them immediately when you leave the hospital ;)

We talked about it and decided that we want the first two weeks to be just for us and told our parents that this is the plan. It is easier in our case as both sets of parents live abroad so it's not like they're "around the corner" ;)

I don't think you can stop them holding the new baby if they're there. Do they know the date of your section? If not, you could just be a bit sneeky and not tell them immediately.
Otherwise, you're just going to have to be honest and say you felt so dreadful last time that you don't want any visitors til you're home.
I usually send out a text after the babies with a photo, weight etc and say I'll let people know when we're up to visitors.
My mum will be here looking after my eldest two anyway, but my MIL isn't coming til the end of May. (I'm due next tuesday)

Tell as many people as you can you don't want visitors and then when your Mum and MIL come tell them that you know they will be disappointed but the doctor/nurse/midwife has told you that there is illness going around and they've advised handling of the baby is kept to a minimum when you are in hospital.

Then back it up with "and I wouldn't want to go through what I did last time...."

They might be bored then and not stay as long?

Having a family and Family in law who do what they want whenever they want and ignore what I say I find the best way is to bend the truth a little!

Thanks all, there are some good ideas there! Unfortunately they do know my section date - we had to tell my parents as they are looking after DS, and so it didn't seem fair not to also tell the inlaws. I'd very much like to say no visitors for the first week, but I honestly think that both sets of parents would be so offended by that that we'd cause long term issues (and in a few weeks, once DH is back at work, I know I'll be really grateful for their help).

Karoleann - I really like the idea of putting that in a text. That should remind people that maybe just dropping in unannounced is not the best idea! Am hoping that there will be less interest in visiting DC2 anyway, although there are so many bank holidays coming up that I also worry that people will be keen to get a quick visit in on their days off.

Vix286 - sneaky, I like your way of thinking! I think I will use that line.

To be honest, it's not really a quick cuddle that I object to, but monopolising my newborn for hours. Last time I was in a private room and mum took DS out into the corridor "for a walk" and then along to the dayroom (whereupon it transpires she conducted a photo session) for a good 15-20 minutes or so when he was a few hours old. I know it doesn't sound like much, but I just wanted him to be with me! I might be being a little bit unreasonable about it, and I know the baby is a new member of the whole family, but I just want a few days of calm to have my cuddles and hopefully get breastfeeding going, following which I will try to relax a bit!

I was the other way. I encouraged loads of visitors while I was still in hospital, then they didn't bother me at home. Hospital was mad anyway with all the midwives coming in and out to do the medical stuff, so a few visitors didn't make such a difference. I got home 4 days later and nobody visited because they had already done so in hospital.

We were plagued with visitors with DC1 and I found it very hard. At times we were tired so we went to bed, unplugged the phone, switched off the mobiles, turned the lights off, closed the curtains and people still banged on the door until we got up.

With DC2 we told DM and MIL what time they could see the baby and sent text to everyone else with the news of the birth and an invitation to our house on the Sunday between 2pm and 5pm for drinks and nibbles.

We got in all the stuff before the birth and I got my Mum and MIL to help with making tea, answering the door, washing up etc.

If was fab, just lovely to be prepared, have all the help and know that when the door after about 5ish it was all over and we'd had a lovely time instead of night after night of friends and neighbours chatting for hours on our settee when DH and me would all have preferred to be in bed.

You also need your DH on your side. Your Mum and MIl and will want to see the baby pretty soon after the birth but your DH needs to tell them if you don't want him lifting up and when its time to go.

im due to have ELCS in 23 days!
Have decided to block book people! lol
Luckily on the day of the birth noone is allowed to visit except my own children and DH as we will be on labour recovery all day and they generally dont move you till night so DH will nip out and get kids after we have had a few hours.
The following day is just for my sister/BIL and my inlaws to visit and the i have said friends can visit the day after that.
There was a horrid point with my last ELCS when i was literally mobbed by my very good friends and was laughing lots then MIL came in and demanded the baby (despite having been there all the previous day) which meant my friends didnt get a look in really!
Have sorted it this time so DH is taking MIL to pick up great nan and wont be home till gone 4pm so i know the coast will be clear for my friends! LOL

you really cant please everyone but be honest and upfront and they have to respect your wishes!