ADVICE NEEDED PLEASE

[VeronaH]

hi
i am due my second baby in august and we already have a 1 year old son who will only be 16 months by the time the new baby comes along. i am getting really stressed out now because i dont think i will be able to cope with both of them, especially on very little/no sleep. i dont have any family here so dont have any real support only my husband who would be going back to work after 2 week leave. i was thinking of putting DS1 into a creche some mornings a week or maybe getting a nanny to help out but would really love to be able to look after them myself. does anyone have any experience of similar situtation. any advice would be really appreciated or any suggestions on how to handle the situtation. thanks for reading

No personal experience, but have both friends and family who do.

One thing i would say is if you put your son into a creche, don't coincide it with the arrival of the new baby, as this could be stressful for him. A close friend of miine put her ds into a nursery a few mornings a week about 3 months before the birth, and it has worked very well for them.

I am due in 4 weeks with dc2 and my dd1 will be almost 21 mo. she is in nursery ful time so i won't disturb her routine (i work ft and also have no family nearby). am slightly panicking about what to do with her when I go into labour but we have friends/her godparents nearby who we hope will help.
i would say def get ds1 into some kind of care well before dc2 comes along - you will need bonding time and rest time.
I'm frankly terrified about havign 2 but everyone I know with 2+ kids has assured me that it will be fine. am v fortunate to have dd1 in nursery and to have a great mat leave package that enables me to continue paying for this. good luck with it all!

thanks for the replies ladies, think we might get a nanny in as any of the creches i have contacted wont have a place in time or only afternoon slots which is not ideal. thanks again, best of luck doireallywant3 with dc2, am sure it will be totally fine, like you i dont know what we will do if i go into labour with ds1!! labour is nothing compared to this stress i think :)

If you can afford a nanny then I would say that would be a better option. Nanny would come to you so no need to get everyone dressed and out the house. Also nanny would do things like laundry, cooking for the children so when the baby is sleeping you could have time alone with DS1 knowing that those jobs would be done (or you could have a nap!).

What about a postnatal doula? I?m not sure which is the best website to look for more information but I expect if you started a thread asking about doulas you would get loads of information.

A doula would not be permanent but would give you lots of support and practical help for as long as you needed, you could have her come to you until you felt ready to go solo as it were. If I had the funds I would defiantly consider it for myself. The first few weeks are hard with 2 but you get into a pattern and the advantage of having a small gap is that you might well be able to get them to nap in the daytime at the same time.

VeronaH We had an 18 month gap with DC1 and 2. It was hard work, but great fun. We're now expecting DC4 who'll be 16 months behind our DS. It will be fine. It will be fun. Don't stress. (Although if I could afford a nanny I make them do teatime every day)

VeronaH We had an 18 month gap with DC1 and 2. It was hard work, but great fun. We're now expecting DC4 who'll be 16 months behind our DS. It will be fine. It will be fun. Don't stress. (Although if I could afford a nanny I make them do teatime every day)

Sorry, posted twice. Didn't want to read and run last night. Will post some advice like you asked for when I get to the big computer.

How about a mothers help? I think it's a bit less expensive and I think they are a bit more hands on. I'm about to start looking into this too.

Apologies in advance for a long, waffly post. But I'm very pregnant and obviously quite tired :)

You say you want to do it yourself. I managed it (sometimes by the skin of my teeth) so I can only tell you what I did. I'm writing this as much to remind myself. And of course I have my 2 DDs to look at and think - well they seem to be turning out OK (they are now 5 and 3.5).

Get up in the morning and get dressed, even if you don't shower. I just feel that tiny bit more in control if I'm not in my pyjamas. If possible get DH to do breakfast for DS, while you sort out baby and EAT YOUR BREAKFAST (I am really bad at remembering to eat!).

Babies really, really don't need entertaining, so just do what you would normally do with DS. The mistake I made was not letting DD2 sleep in her cot when she was a bit older. In the beginning, babies sleep anywhere - they get a bit more choosy as they get bigger...so you might find that for the 1st 3 months it's easy to go and do stuff and then it gets a bit harder to get out.

Getting out takes time. Just accept it. You are looking after 2 babies. You know how to pack the changing bag, but just to remind you - nappies etc, muslin, anything you need to feed DC2, one baby book, one toy, snacks that you can both bear to eat - raisins and breadsticks last well. Don't worry about bailing out if the trip is going badly. To a 16 month old it really doesn't matter whether you actually make it to the swings/shops, but it's nice to get out.

When DS goes for his nap (does he still nap? My DD2 was so fed up of never being near her bed when she was tired, she gave up), that is your best opportunity to have a rest. Only deal with the baby if it is making fractious noises and clearly needs you. Otherwise s/he is quite happy lying on the playgym or in the cot.

Don't have a complicated 'settling the baby' routine - DS won't get it and almost certainly won't leave you to it! Take time in the first two weeks when DH is home to really get to know the baby. Watch what s/he does when s/he starts getting tired/hungry. This headed off loads of problems for me with DS (when the DDs were 4 and 2.5). DD1 was able to tell my mum 'that baby needs a sleep' when I was out. Of course, babies do just cry seemingly randomly - but, hey, it's worth trying to have some sort of clue.

We freeze dinners for the children in disposable plastic cups. So much easier to cook at a time when I have a bit of energy than leaving it to 4pm when I have my mid-afternoon slump. I also know that they eat baked beans and fish fingers and microwaved baked potatoes. I wish I had introduced them to pasta and pesto when they were younger - that looks like a proper meal.

Have in your mind what time DS needs to be ready for bed. Ours are supposed to be in pj's by 6.30pm. Then DH knows what stage people are at when he gets home - and can take over. At this point, I either collapse in a small heap on the sofa, or potter about tidying up a bit and getting grown ups dinner on.

If you need to sleep because you are so exhausted but can't, try eating an apple before hitting the coffee - it really does seem to make a difference.

At the weekend, DH takes everybody out so I can do my own thing. (That's what I'm doing now). If they are planning something really good, I go with them, but it's nice to have the choice.

Do try and make some friends, though. If someone offers help, accept it. This week, I've taken a friend's boy out for the day. Another friend offered to hoover (I had to give her a box to throw all the stuff from the carpet into so she could see what she was doing). And someone else gave the children their tea so I could go to the physio. My parents live overseas, so if I need them, I have to plan ahead - but they are very willing and able to come, and I can usually hang on with the thought that they are on their way in a few weeks.

Enjoy your children's babyhood. Take loads of photos and videos. I try never to whinge about being tired - it robs me of my joy. And I must be getting some sleep because I get woken up. One day this will all be 20 years ago, make happy memories.

Does any of that make any sense? I'm going to tidy the DDs bedroom now because it is becoming a major health hazard. Wish me luck!

wow motherofsnortpigs, tour message was great and very inspiring. fair play to you for coping so well sounds like your doing a fab job. thanks so much for the tips and advice i really appreaicte it and thanks to all the other ladies who also left useful tips. hopefully things wont be as bad as i imagine!! thanks again ladies. x

Hi Verona, I had a 16 month age gap between my two daughters, they are 4.5 and 3 now, and em expecting number 3!
I found that the early days were actually much easier than I had anticipated, partly because the baby was a baby and as motherofsnortpigs said, she didn't need entertaining! If she was calm I would give her a quick cuddle with DD1 and put her back in her moses basket. I made sure DD1 was involved with hleping look after the baby (if she wanted to) and that was such a good way to keep her involved and not feel pushed out by the new arrival.

I am ashamed to admit that we had no routine with DD1 before DD2 came along, and having DD2 actually helped us get into a good workable routine. I also made sure baby was settled before bed time so I could spend quality time with DD1 for cuddles and stories. I found taking our time with bed time (around an hour) gave me plenty of time for both DD's and also meant DD1 wasn't rushed off to bed.
As DD2 got older I fould that I coped much better than I had expected as I had time to know the girls and they adored each other. Because DD1 was so young when her sister was born she doesn't remember being an only child at all, even now she thinks that she was born then her sister was born right after her. And therefore there has been no jealousy. I breastfed both my girls till 7 months, and would make a bottle up for my eldest before I fed the baby, so she could cuddle up with me whilst they both got fed.
I didn't put DD1 into pre-school until she was 2 and 3 months, and did it very reluctantly, although it was nice to spend quality time with DD2.

I was terrified about how I would cope with 2 such young babies, but to be honest it has actually made my life so much easier as they now love playing with each other and although because of their age now there is a bit of squabbling, they have both learnt from early on that they have to share, a valuable lesson!

If a month or so into life with the new baby you feel that you need some help, I would suggest the nanny route as you will just have extra help without sending your little one to nursery. I was lucky enough to have family who were able to help out if I needed them, but to be honest that has been very rare - much to my mum's disappointment

Best of luck to you and your growing family xx

Should have said when she was about 2years and 3months x

thanks Natzcnl, i have a boy now and am expecting another boy, i do want to hold off the nursery as i have heard some horror stories about some of them but then some people say it helps their development and speech etc, my head is wreaked!! we have a routine with ds1 so thats fine and i have been home with him since having him, i have taken career break from work for a couple of years. what i am worried about is not getting sleep and then having to entertain ds1 during the day as i know little ones dont need much entertaining but with lack of sleep i dont know how i will keep ds1 occupied and then when will i get a nap!!! ds1 still naps but only for about 1 hour a day.

i am hoping my parents can come over for the new arrival but my father is waiting on heart surgery so they may not make it. i think your right i will see how the first month goes and if i cant cope i will call in a nanny.

thanks again for your story and suggestions all really helpful. best of luck with number 3 x

Im sorry you father is unwell. It must add to your stress with them being so far away too.

I know it's not the best long term solution, but I bought a stash of In the Night Garden DVD's when I needed a break during the day. And I also spent a lot of time outside too, not only does the fresh air and running around wear our the toddler, it keeps you alert and awake and with any luck will allow you to get your little one to bed with more ease (or give him a longer day time nap). I used to take mine out for a long walk, letting DD1 walk as much as possible, then pop her in the double buggy for the journey home. 9 times out of 10 they were both asleep when I got home, so would leave them strapped in and take a quick nap on the sofa. At least that way I knew they were both safe and secure and I would sometimes be able to get an hours nap to re-energize!

Sleep depravation is unavoidable with babies and toddlers, so if they both go to sleep during the day - do the same! I tried to hold off feeding baby till DD1 went down for her nap, then fed baby and put myself to bed. Ignore ALL house work whilst you find your feet. Nothing is more important than your health and the childrens.

Another tip - IF you do get an energetic day, put some toys in the garden for DS1 and make as many dinners as you can, and freeze them. A lifeline on the sluggish days xx

thanks again its great to hear some women coped without any outside help gives me some encouragement and hope that i might be able to do the same.

You're welcome. I should probably point out that my house is a tip and I have been known to drink gin on a week night :)

I had twins when DS was 15 months old. OH had 2 weeks paternity then I was on my own because I refused all help as had to prove to myself I could do it. I found routine was key to getting through the day :) the twins are now 2.5 and I'm expecting another set in 2 weeks so back to the routine again lol.