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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

finding out / not finding out - any regrets?

25 replies

Annie456 · 14/04/2011 14:38

Afternoon all,
I'm 20+4 and had my 20 week scan yesterday.

DH has always argued for finding out the sex and I have always wanted to wait for the suprise...we got the sonographer to write down the sex and seal it in an envelope and we are thinking of opening it this weekend after a nice dinner and some bubbles (mainly for DH)

The main argument I have for not wanting to know is "what if I regret finding out". It's nothing to do with any other reason, purely a fear of regret. I actually agree with all the practical arguments for knowing sooner (mainly to help bond, not be disappointed if you develop an inkling during pg, to have the excitement of decorating the nursery a certain way, to help DH to bond)

So...do you regret your decision - whether that was to find out or not to find out?
x

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nunnie · 14/04/2011 14:44

I found out with my previous two and didn't have any regrets. Didn't decorate nursery in pink or blue as I didn't want to really.
I am quite happy not to find out this time as I have one of each flavour already, but DH wants to know, so we will prbably find out adn I'm sure I won't regret it this time either to be honest.

ShowOfHands · 14/04/2011 14:47

I think you either want to know or you don't. The fear of the regret probably comes from the fact that you want the surprise at the end of it all. I find out because I want to. There are no worries for me as it's my gut reaction. I suspect you really don't want to open that envelope. Agree to discuss it again later perhaps.

theagedparent · 14/04/2011 14:51

I found out with 2 of my 4 dds and wish that I hadn't. Is so lovely to find out when you have the baby, I can remember the feeling of excitement and happiness when dh announced the sex. Not quite the same when I knew what was coming.

Leilababyno1 · 14/04/2011 14:51

We found out....and no, don't regret it at all!

It won't take any joy or surprise out of the day we finally get to meet her! Hopefully in 2 wks!!!

I had no preference either way re sex, and actually think it's helped me bond with baby- spending quality bump time with HER/HIM rather than IT.

.....but think It's a very personal choice- some people have very strong feelings about wanting to keep it 'a surprise', others really don't mind knowing before- as birth ultimately is always a SURPRISE! Whatever you decide, you DEFINITELY won't regret it! It's a impossible thing to regret!

Congratulations!

systemsaddict · 14/04/2011 14:54

I found out both times; first time was not long after I had lost my dad and was so happy to be having a boy who could have his name as middle name; second time I 'knew' already it was a girl so the scan just confirmed it and it did help me to bond. No regrets at all - there are more than enough surprises about the whole birthing process as it is, without adding gender into it!

Leilababyno1 · 14/04/2011 14:55

'Impossible thing to regret!' comment- unless you DO have a subconscious preference for a boy/girl...

supadupacreameggscupa · 14/04/2011 14:59

i found out. so pleased because i was surprised to be a bit disappointed baby was a boy. i got over it in a few hours and only want boys now.
i was pleased to have not had this reaction on the arrival day.
plus, i named him, and felt like he had a proper identity in my head and i could daydream about him before he was born.
imo it made no difference to the day he was born itself.

nancy10 · 14/04/2011 15:02

We are the opposite way round to you. I really wanted to know, dh really didn't. So he left the room and the sonographer told me. That was at my 20 week scan and I'm now 37 weeks and I haven't told a single person the sex. Although dh knows I know, everybody else thinks we are waiting for the birth. It was really difficult not slipping up for the first couple of weeks but now I don't even think about it. If your dh is disciplined enough he could do the same. I think what has made it so easy to keep it a secret is the fact my dh really doesn't want to know and there is no way I'd tell anyone in rl before he knew.

AlpinePony · 14/04/2011 15:04

It's still a surprise whether you find out now or in another 20 weeks! :)

I found out at the 20 week scan (wanted to know) and I just loved him every single second for the next 20 16 weeks. It meant I could be definitive about his name and buy him stuff "especially for him" rather than "for the baby".

mrsdaz · 14/04/2011 15:14

I wanted to find out this time round (3rd DC) but my husband didn't so we have kept it as a surprise. I regretted not finding out for a few weeks but am now glad i didn't. Its the one thing my husband feels proud of..to announce the sex of our child as he gets to see it first :0)

We discussed it last night and both agreed we would be a bit disappointed if we knew already rather than waiting.

StickThemWithThePointyEnd · 14/04/2011 15:20

i found out at the 20 week scan with DC1, and when I was in labour I deeply regretted finding out beforehand. I'd already lost all of my hopes for the birth because of complications and would have loved to have had this left for me as a surprise.
This time, because of last time, I was adamant I didn't want to find out at the scan, but my husband really wanted to, so I let him look at the note from the sonographer. I'm 39 weeks today, and I still don't know, and never have been tempted to look or to ask him.
I am happy that I haven't found out and am looking forward to the surprise.

jaggythistle · 14/04/2011 15:24

we didn't find out as i really wanted to wait. DH did argue that he thought it'd be enough of a surprise going home with a baby...

it's actually one of my happiest memories after having to have an emcs- DH whispering 'it's a wee boy' while trying not to cry!

am tearing up just writing about it, can't wait to do it again asap.

i just bought neutral car seat/pram etc and a few sleepsuits so didn't worry about specific boy or girl purchases.

good luck. :)

DuelingFanjo · 14/04/2011 15:28

I had an Amnio so had the sex in an envelope all the way from 16 weeks. I had to keep that a secret from DH as he really wanted to know. It was great finding out at the birth. I had a slight preference for a girl but when DH said 'it's a boy' I didn't feel regret for one second.

We bought stuff which was fasirly unisex.

Bumpsadaisie · 14/04/2011 15:43

We'll definitely find out - not for "practical" reasons (this is DC2 and we've got all the stuff anyway) but just cos I want to know as much about baby as possible as soon as possible!

As we did with DD1, this one will have a name soon after we find out. People think we're mad but its what feels right to me. After all from 20 weeks on they are sophisticated little creatures and relatively large too and making their presence felt with kicking. To me it seems odd not to have a name for what feels to me like a person by that stage.

I know most people will think I'm mad though!

I do have a gender preference too - in that if we could have chosen, we would have chosen a boy. But if it is a girl I know that in a matter of minutes of finding out my love for my real life growing kicking DD2 will quickly evaporate any fantasy love I had for my fantasy DS! And if it's a boy, well that will just be lovely.

Bumpsadaisie · 14/04/2011 15:46

PS I agree with whoever else who said that the fact that you are thinking this over perhaps indicates that really you want to wait!

littlemissw · 14/04/2011 15:50

I think that is such a lovely way to find out what you are having Annie & I don't think you'll regret it. Your DH is probably insisting on finding out as he may well feel it is the only thing during the pregnancy that he has some control over & it may help him to bond with the baby before the birth too. Its easy to forget that they tend to feel a bit left out & not really part of it while we can feel the baby moving constantly & can hardly think of anything else.

FanillaFudge · 14/04/2011 15:52

I've waited everytime.... I don't think anything can beat that feeling of finding out at the end of labour, it gets me through it!

Don't forget - they can get it wrong.

Sparklies · 14/04/2011 15:57

There's no way I could wait until birth to find out, but that's my personality type! I was scrutinising scans at 11 weeks looking for nubs and their angles.. in fact I wish I hadn't done that because DC3 started out "possibly boy" then "probably boy" then "definitely boy" so there was no great reveal, you know? If we have DC4 I think I won't try and tell until the proper big scan.

The way I see it is that on the day of the birth you get all the excitement of yay baby!! Whereas pregnancy is long and stressful, and it's nice to be able to transfer a little bit of that excitement forward to halfway through :) It also helps me bond a bit better and I love knowing which clothes I can buy.

I'd say if you're worried you'll regret it then there's a good chance you will like others have said. Everyone is different!

Bumpsadaisie · 14/04/2011 16:01

Sparklies

I hear you on the scrutinizing of the genital nub at 11 weeks! Guilty of same!

FWIW I think this one is a boy - definitely an angle of 30 degrees plus! - roll on 7th June when can find out.

spiderlight · 14/04/2011 16:02

We wanted to know, which was just as well because DS had it ALL hanging out and the very first image that appeared on the screen at my scan left nobody in any doubt - the sonographer spent the rest of the scan trying not to laugh and was so relieved at the end when I said I'd really wanted to find out :) I found that I bonded much better with my bump once I knew - I could start focusing on 'him' rather than 'it' and it made a huge difference to the way I felt.

On the other hand, friends of ours were told that their baby was a boy, bought loads of boy's clothes, did their nursery out in blue etc etc. and then had a girl! They were both very shocked and it took them a good few weeks to come to terms with it, especially because it was an emergency caesarean and the mum in particular struggled a bit to bond at first. All hunky-dory now and they couldn't be happier, but it goes to show that you might still get a surprise even if you do find out at the scan!

LittleWhiteWolf · 14/04/2011 16:03

I didn't find out with DD. We did ask at the 20 week scan, but I was really pleased the little madam kept her legs firmly shut! There was no real surprise when she was born, though, as we were both convinced she was a girl. DH loved being able to ring people and say "its a girl and she's called xxxx" I dont really want to take that away from him this time. However I had an mc before this pg and at 9 weeks I'm not really feeling very connected to the baby, so I'm thinking that if I'm still feeling a bit 'wobbly' by 20 weeks I might ask for the sex and we'll just keep it secret from everyone until the birth

Original poster

Annie456 · 14/04/2011 16:50

Despite really trying to convince myself I want to find out, I really don't think I do. And like others have said, with subsequent DC's it can be useful to find out to help them prepare for the new arrival. So the first baby is a rare opportunity to keep up the suprise. It's hard trying to explain it to DH though as I can't really explain it, it's just a feeling I have. I love suprises and am happy to wait as long as necessary to find out!

I really want DH to feel more involved though - any suggestions as to how he can get in on the excitement? We've not bought a single thing for the baby yet - is 20 weeks too early? There's no question of him finding out and not me, he's so bad at keeping secrets that I knew every suprise planned for my hen weekend about a month before! He admits that he couldn't keep it to himself.

Thanks for all your replies, they have really helped!

OP posts:

Oscalito · 14/04/2011 17:49

I didn't find out and my DH saying, Oh, it's a little boy! is one of the best things I've ever heard.

Misty9 · 14/04/2011 18:04

My OH was set against finding out, whilst I was in two minds, but he's now completely changed his mind (with no persuasion from me) and I'm quite looking forward to possibly knowing this time tomorrow.

As for ways to involve your DH, we bought a doppler when I was 15wks and it's been a brilliant thing to have for bonding. My hubby can listen to the heartbeat and hear movement too. He talks to my bump and is always kissing it hellos and goodbyes :)
20wks is definitely not too early to buy imo - but everyone is different. We bought some little sleep vests after the 12wk scan, and put a deposit on pushchair too. We bought our bednest from ebay this week and may well buy some more bits at the weekend, after the scan. I feel it helps make it more real.

ipredicttrouble · 14/04/2011 19:56

I was in two minds as to whether to find out this time. DH didn't want to at all. We ended up not finding out and I was only thinking the other day (I'm 30 wks now) that I'm glad I didn't. I know I would have regretted it, can't fully explain why.

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