newly pregnant, scared, and can't stop crying..

[beannachd]

Hi there,

I'm a bit emotional, so please bear with me. I've just found out on Monday that I am pregnant. Although it was something I thought wanted, now it has actually happened, I am absolutely terrified.

I keep bursting in panicky tears, I can;t stop. I am scared to look in any baby books. I'm almost in denial. I had no idea it would be like this. I thought I'd be happy snd excited, but I'm not.

I feel disgusted and I don;t understand why. I have an awful mirror right opposite the shower, and now I can;t look at myself naked. I have started showering in dark, or the curtain wrapped round or my back to it...ridiculous I know.

I know many people are in worse of positions than me. For a start I'm 33, my boyfriend is very happy, excited and so supportive. My close family are the only ones who know and are all thrilled to bits. Its just me, I am terrified. I don;t know if I can do this. I'm scared of everything. Of my body changing, giving birth, being a mum...I guess just the unknown.

I know I sound like I'm overreacting, but this is how I honestly feel. My first reaction was that I wanted a termination...please don't judge me. It was a knee jerk reaction. I do still think that I do on low points, but I think it would be for the wrong reasons.

I have an appointment with the doctors tomorrow hopefully. Do you think they will be helpful? even finding out how far gone I am scares me. I'm just a bit of a mess and falling to bits. I am honestly trying to think positive. I do like babies, I am trying to think of all the fun, wonderful times I will have ahead of me. But it just comes down to the fact I can't associate pregnancy and me.

I just wonder if this is normal. I watch Jeremy Kyle I see how badly others have it. Why is it they can do it and I am having a major wobble. Has anyone else felt like this? do you think it will get better, because I can't imagine how i can cope with for 9 months

Please help if you can.

Thank you x

Hi, I understand how you feel. At 36, after having been told I couldn't have children, I found out I was pregnant and completely freaked out. No-one I knew had children, it was never something I particularly wanted, I liked my life as it was, my mum didn't think I'd like having children and said she wouldn't bother again if she had her time again- (she had 4). Anyway, to cut a long story short, I had a termination. The minute I'd done it, I knew I'd made a mistake. I got pregnant again 5 months later (mainly out of guilt for what I'd done) and although I cried every single day wondering if I was doing the right thing, worrying about everything under the sun, worrying about not really wanting to be a mother, wondering whether I'd ever enjoy life with a child, the minute my daughter was born, everything just fell into place. It was FINE! I thought she was the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen and of course life goes on, just a bit differently! I've now got 2 girls and can't believe that I worried myself sick about having one. I think it's just fear of the unknown, which is perfectly understandable and a shock to the system to realise that your life will be different for ever after having children. It will be a bit different but not worse. Please try not to worry!

Yes that sounds familiar, I begged for tablets to make me sane/sleep/anything! she just looked at me like I was bats and told me I was having a stress reaction (this was true).

Your midwife however will have more time to talk to you and talk stuff through, If you want some counselling request it, there should be some available in your area.

Also dont underestimate the power of simple stress busters - gentle exercise, relaxation cds, warm bath, rest. I also got some support from nomorepanic.co.uk who have some threads for anxiety during pregnancy.

When you are in the middle of it, it is horrible, but there are people who can help you, your GP didn't sound like she was very helpful. Just take care of yourself and I am here if I can help in any way xxx

I was in a right mess when I found out I was pregnant, I wanted kids with DH but the timing really wasn't right. We had unprotected sex and thought the morning after pill would prevent pregnancy, it didn't. 3 weeks after the pill the test was positive, at the time DH was off work with stress (although he was thrilled with the pregnancy and it helped him turn a corner with the work stress issues) and i'd just accepted a new job with a very un child friendly on call rota. I was terrified we couldn't afford it and that we weren't ready.
The week after i had a bit of bleeding and had to go to EPAU, part of me actually wanted it not to be OK (it was all fine though). Anyway after a few weeks, once I'd sorted my job issues out and DH had gone back to work it was all a lot more positive.
I'm now 37+2 and can't wait for it to be born, I still feel guilty about how I felt in the first few weeks but looking back it was just the shock of it all.
I think the advice to avoid baby departments is very sound, there is plenty of time to do that later on and much more realistically priced places too. Its difficult having to deal with it all when the hormones make you so emotional and tired anyway but whatever you decide to do it will work itself out.

I think this is more normal than you think. I'm 22 weeks now & feel fine but i was a bit stunned when I first found out even though deep down it was something I've wanted. I cried on my first appointment with midwife when confronted with a waiting room of other mums and babies. All this stuff is outwith my experience. I've never been around babies and I'm not a girly girl really. I think it's just gradually dawned on me that this is our little baby and we'll find a way of it being part of our lives. We don't suddenly have to conform and be someone we're not. You'll be ok. You've got a nice fella and family which is great. Don't beat yourself up. I think nature makes it 9 months long for good reason...not just for baby to develop, but for mum to get used to the idea of being mum.

Hi there, thanls for all the advice. It really is helping. I've been speaking to my mum who was great, and I finally spoke to one of my friends who has 2 kids. She said she felt similar feelings, just like all the ladies here.

Today has been the first day I haven't cried panicky tears which is a start :) but I still want to hide away and not really speak to anyone apart from boyfriend, mum, close family. I probably enjoy lying in bed too much which makes me wonder if I have a touch of the blues. I think I over analyze things which doesn;t help! for example today at work I saw groups of teenagers, swearing, shouting etc....it gave me the jitters until I mentally told me self to 'get a grip'!

Anyway, I guess the best piece of advice I have..which I got on here and from mum is all babies and children in general really need is love. Lots of kids have everything they want, but not really loved or feel cared about.

I'm feeling reflective and really hope I have turned a corner..I hope. But taking it each day as it comes. I'm still not brilliant just yet, but feel less distraught. My mother suggested to speak to people I trust who are parents. I think that;s what I'll do, and continue to post on here as its been so so helpful.

Georgethecat, you mentioned you had a CD you listened to. Maybe I could give that a go? is there anyway I could also get hold of a copy? Thanls again everyone xx

Hi beannachd, glad you are feeling slighty better :)

Here is the cd I am using:

www.amazon.co.uk/Pregnancy-Relaxation-Self-Hypnosis-Programme/dp/1905220022/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1303066778&sr=8-1

This lady does a few other cds too including hypnobirthing for when you are ready to tackle that.

Keep taking one day at a time and if you need to stay in bed....do! early pregnancy and a touch of the stress monster can make you feel wiped out. I gets better promise xxx

Thank you again. Today was another emotional one. I was at a family gathering, and with my partners little nephew who is 16 months. He was such hard work that I started to panic again, then his sister who doesn;t know anything about my situation, was going on about how she doesn;t want kids etc.

I feel I'm going round in circles, and its causing a strain with my wonderful partner as he is witnissing all this. Seeing the midwife tomorrow and I really hope she will be helpful.

It also didn;t help that when I googled depression in early pregnancy, there was an article saying how it can cause anti social teenagers...sigh it would be funny if I wasn't feeling how I was ! I'll see how tomorrpw goes :)

Be honest with how you are feeling with the midwife, but be aware if this is your first appointment it'll be pretty routine blood tests and quick run through of a few things. I'm sure she'll be very good though. Both midwives I've met have been great so far.

Don't go googling too much!! There are a squillion things that might affect a child's development. I very much doubt that these first few weeks of feeling upset are going to have a long lasting effect. Please try and stop worrying. If you look after yourself first and foremost and you start feeling better, baby will be totally fine. :)

Think you need to try and switch off for a bit. Go and do something normal!! Go to the cinema with your partner or out for a meal. I felt better once I realised I didn't have to have all the answers straight away. You have plenty of time. I'm sure lots of how you are feeling is perfectly natural and a good dollop of hormones in the mix too!

Family gatherings are always hard work! Chin up. x0x

I do agree with you. I'm just concerened I'm not feeling happy. On a good day I feel neutral. A good day is not constantly crying. I worry that other stories I have read about are saying they feel tearful, but have happy days too. I'm not having that at all. I don;t feel happy. Just mostly miserable.

I am starting to worry that I might not be able to get through this at all. I will soeak to the midwife and see what she says. Thanks xx

Sorry that you are worrying about your pregnancy. Are you generally an anxious person, or is this new to you?

If you don't get on well with the midwife, consider looking for a private midwife or doula - ask on MN for recommendations for someone in your area.

Don't worry about what the baby will be like at 16 weeks. You should have seen me when I had my DD - by that time she had been sleeping through the night for several weeks, and having two naps during the day. She was like a cat, always asleep.

Truly, although being a mum is challenging at times, it is the best thing that has ever happened to me. The other night we were snuggled up in bed together chatting - my DD will be 9yo this month and DS is 6yo. Of course I have days when I worry about them, there is always that when you are a mummy, but there is so much joy and happiness too.

Try not to compare your feelings to anyone else's. They are not comparable as you are a different person. Comparing is going to make you feel inadequate and that will make you feel worse.

I read a blog recently where the woman decided to write down three good things a day that had happened to her. Could you do something like that? Think about one good thing a day - try to superimpose a happy thought on top of a worry.

As far as I can remember this is how my pregnancy went:

First Trimester:
Puked
Dry heaved
Cried
Slept
Shouted at husband
Worried obsessively about anything going wrong

Second Trimester:
Felt my bump grow
Felt the baby kick
Actually started to realise there's a person in there

Third trimester:
Erm...drank gallons of Gaviscon
That's it

Seriously, the first trimester is pants. I completely didn't relate to the baby at all in that time, it took until I could feel (and see) the baby moving for me to begin to connect the feeling like shit to becoming a mummy.

And becoming a mummy is utterly utterly wonderful, honestly.

You'll get there, no rush. That's why nature gives you 9 months.

Hiya
I'm 27 and nearly 10 weeks pregnant and i'm feeling exactly the same as you. Mostly i feel depressed and sick. I cry a lot of the time and have like you looked at having a termination. I'm terrified that i can't cope with having a baby. My Husband is watching me go through all this and doesn't know how to help me, so it's hard. I'm trying my best to have good days but like you i just feel neutral on a good day. I'm not sure this is really going to be of any help to you but you're not alone.

Wow. It is so good to hear people talk like this - not good that you are feeling terrible, obviously, but just to be able to admit that you are not walking around in some kind of maternal glow all the time!

I am 33 too, and my boyfriend and I have been trying for a baby since last May. I was getting really anxious that it wasn't going to happen, and now that it has (am 9 weeks pregnant) I am terrified. I feel so guilty about it, as I wanted this so much and some people were so supportive when I wasn't conceiving - especially my boyfriend. I feel like I can't tell him how I am feeling, as he will only worry. I feel nothing - no magic, no connection, no excitement, just dismay as I watch my ever expanding waist, hips and thighs and am getting fed up with the constant tiredness and nausea and worried about how it is affecting my work.

Man, it is such a relief to be able to 'say' this! My work is so important to me, and am terrified about having to find a balance between it and a baby - I don't want to do my kid out of having its mother around, but I also want to progress with what I am doing. I have my first midwife appointment tomorrow - makes it all feel more real somehow!

I'm 33, married, and pregnant with first child and I could've written your post pretty much word for word when I first got pregnant. I just never thought of myself as 'maternal' and having children was some distant concept that I might do one day assuming I could have them (which I always thought - and if I'm honest hoped - I couldn't).

We didn't even try that hard and when I got the positive nobody was more shocked than me. The first 12 weeks were HORRENDOUS, my emotions were all over the place, I fell out with about 10 innocent people . I felt like an alien was growing inside me, making my body change in ways I didn't like (and still don't) and making me even more anxious than normal. I dreaded how my life would change. But in truth I'd be more anxious about the concept of never having children, as I'm just that type of person who worries whatever.

I'm never going to be 'comfortable' with being pregnant, I just want it to be over and move on to the challenging, fun, rewarding bit. I want it to be real and to be able to share it with other people.

It DOES get better (she says at the ripe old stage of 16weeks). It's sounding cliched now but the 12-wk scan was a bit of a turning point for me, and hearing the heartbeat for the first time was even more amazing. You might be over-thinking things and it's adding to your stress. I'm guilty of this myself and actively trying not to. There is no way this baby is going anywhere for a while so I'm going to have to deal with it.

You also WILL be fine :) I think your feelings are more normal than you think...

Good luck xx

Good luck xx

How did it go with midwife? Thinking of you.

Hey everyone,

Just an update, went to see the midwife who was wonderful. I was so relieved. Was just starting to get my head round things and almost start to get a wee bit excited, when I woke up with severe abdominal pains. After numerous test and horrible internals, it turned out I had an eptopic pregnancy.

I had surgery yesterday, where they had to remove one on my tubes. Apparently the other one is a wee bit scarred so it may be harder to try and concieve. I'm just out so quite sore and a wee bit woozy. To be hinest the whole experience has been so awful with hormones, tears and now this. I'm not sure I even want children anymore.

I may feel different in a few months/years though. Just going to try and enjoy the summer and reflect on everything thats happened. In hindsight, I wish I hadn't made such a fuss, but I really was so scared. Maybe next time if there is one I'll be more prepared mentally. I can;t help feel a little guilty that maybe in some way I caused this by my panics. I know that's not a healthy way to think though. I do feel empty though, and just sad.

Just wanted to say once again thank you for all your lovely advce and support. Perhaps I'll be back with better news next time.

Right, I'm off to sleep for a week now....

Beannachd xx

Hey! You've written my words down for me! I felt the same, so did my partner. We don't want to lose our life - that's how we felt 8 weeks ago. I'm about 11 weeks now. I'm 39 and a wee bit set in my ways, love to travel and go to beer festivals. All the things I thought I'd lose if I had a baby.

I cried and cried - I went to a local charity who have counsellors and I was free to talk about everything. We wrote the +/- lists of choosing to terminate. I cried even harder at the thought of being 70 or 80 or older and never having been a mum. That's when I realised I needed to get logical and practical.

Your hormones won't be helping you get your head around this at the moment. At the same time you can't ignore your doubts - you need to face them.

I still have many doubts - I'm an old girl - due a day before my 40th - I had planned on celebrating in Vietnam. Darn it www.mumsnet.com/te/1.gif I'm very overweight - will it be a bad pregnancy and birth because of that? The help is out there to get you through - whatever your choice.

The thing that put my mind straight (for me) was the future - could I have lived and died and never done my biological duty? No - this is why I am here. When i settled that in my head I was happy again. We are now joking over names and arguing over big wheel prams.

You have big hugs from me, I know what goes through the head sometimes and how you can hate yourself for thinking such things. Remember the hormones - you are only about 85% in control of those thoughts.

Best of luck.

I'm so sorry - I'm new to the site and I didn't see the last page and therefore your update. You have been through the wars!

Even bigger hugs for you. Relax and enjoy your summer and don't beat yourself up over your reactions.

Oh bean you poor thing, was thinking of you the other day.

I have absolutely no idea if there is any physiological possibility of this, and I really don't mean it to sound insensitive so apologies if it does in any way, but maybe the pregnancy didn't feel 'right' to you because it wasn't, IYSWIM? If a viable pregnancy can send us THIS loopy with the hormones, then it only makes sense to me that an ectopic could have a massive impact on how you feel too. So I guess what I'm trying to say, really badly, is don't beat yourself up about your reaction because it may well have been down to completely misplaced chemical reactions in your body that have absolutely nothing to do with you as a person or a potential parent.

Take care of yourself for a few months, and come back here if you need to vent.

Hey there, actually I was thinking the same thing. I did have an extreme reaction to being pregnant and even though I was starting to get my head around it. It still felt I was just convincing myself that I was getting used to it if you get me. I still had a long way to go, and still do probably. When the results came back and I was told my hormone levels were sky high over 3000 apparently, my boyfriend did mention that it could have been linked to how bad I was feeling. I just don;t know.

The thing about the ectopic pregnancy is that from what I've been reading up on it can be caused by Pelvic Inflammatory Diease. I had this many years ago when I was in my early 20's. Back then, I didn;t have access really to the internet as much as I do now, or I didn;t look up things. I had no idea it was related to an undetected STD and is a possible cause of what's happened to me. I remember in 2001 I think going to the hospital in agony, and them misdiagnosing me with a urine infection. My doc at the time then told me I had PID and gave me anti biotics and that was it.

I was never told anything, to me it was just like getting a stomach bug and getting medicine for it. Now I feel ashamed that I have had this, and am pretty sure this is what is affecting my fertility. I know I can;t do anything to change things, but it just makes me annoyed at myself, and guilty that maybe I caused this by being stupid and naieve over 10 years ago...of course I may be successful if we try again and have no problems at all., but its still in the back of my mind

At least if there is a next time then I'll have help from the start from the pregnancy support, and hopefully as I say will be better prepared psychologically.

Thanks again
Bxx

So sorry that you've gone through this Bea. Don't think you have any cause to feel guilty at all. Not your fault that as a younger woman you didn't know more about your condition. It should perhaps have been explained to you better at the time. Either way, you sought treatment and have done nothing wrong. I can only echo what you and Alltheyoungdudes said...With hormones racing around at that level, it is no wonder at all that you felt so bad.

Take some time to let this all sink in and i wish you all the very best for the future whatever you decide.

xox

Hi beannachd,

I found out I am pregnant last week and feel exactly like you! I know you have not posted for a while and was just wondering how you are getting on?

Sorry for posting it I did not see your message.
I hope you are doing well.