overcautious husband ruins my pregnancy - help!

[fulllife]

hi,

ive been wondering if this has happenened to others - apparently people usually have the opposite problem!
just to start with: my husband is an amazing person and we have the best time together, he's my total match and we share everything in life and have mostly very similar ideas about the world.
I, by the way, am 27 years old, have a good job and have been living on my own since i was 17 - so have definitely proven that i can take care of myself, have also had dogs for the last 5 years, which all survived and turned out great. not so good with plants though.
i made some unusual choices in my life in terms of where to live when i was 20 and moved to a non-eu country where i now have a very settled, ordinary life, and where i also met husband.
anyway my problem is this:
ever since i am pregnant my husband is convinced that i am irresponsible, thoughtless and in general a danger to my baby and also has a deep seated fear that i will be a bad mother (my mom was a very basic caregiver), and is constantly cautioning me in order to protect the baby. his admitted strategy is to totally exaggerate regarding al things pregnancy so that i will internalize this and be a little more careful even when he's not around. he is extremely rational in real life but refuses to accept medical evidence (even from very expensive doctors) that might "allow" something.
his regulars include: me scratching my itchy tummy (i'll "squeeze" the baby), sitting down on a chair (am "jumping" on the sofa), a glass of coke will make the baby go retard, sausage is forbidden (although the doctor said its fine), no cycling, dressing to warm or to cold...the list is endless.
apart from driving me crazy and ruining my pregnancy experience, his distrust of my ability to care for and protect my child is really hurtful.
has anyone had this happen to them? how did it affect them and their relationship? and how did they deal with it? i want lots of kids, but this pregnancy has been a sour experience so far and im afraid itll affect the child also...

How about informing him that the stress and unrealistic expectations he is putting on you is more likely to harm the baby and your marriage. You are carrying the baby and it's your body that is taking the strain therefore his respect for you is very important. And if he thinks you are irresponsible, thoughtless and in general a danger to your baby and he fears you will be a bad mother, ask him why he married you in the first place. He is a bully and will knock your confidence before you've even started!

I'm no expert but maybe he is projecting his fear of not being able to cope onto you? Or the fact that he can't do much (in his eyes) until the baby is born?

My DH has said he feels utterly useless whilst watching me puke my guts out (for example) and keeps asking how he can help (to which I reply he can carry the second one! ).

If it's not that, but that he genuinely doesn't think you are a good mother then you need to have a proper conversation. Tell him you feel undermined and need his support not his censure.

If he continues to be this critical after the birth then you really won't have a fun time and it will affect your child. I know someone whose dad always told her how useless her mum was, which really isn't healthy.

I'd be telling him to back right off or he'll ruin your marriage and any respect for him. Ask him where he got his medical degree from.

Good grief, it sounds dreadful! YOu poor woman, I feel for you - and I'd probably do what TheVisitor is suggesting.

How rude of him to doubt your basic capacity to look after yourself and do the right thing for your baby! How patronising and condescending - and frankly idiotic - he is being. Don't scratch your stomach - I mean, WTFF? INsane.

And yes, Nancy is right too - he is bullying you now - how much worse is he going to be when the baby comes?!

'go retard'? REALLY? (That's aimed at you and him).

It sounds a nightmare. Hope you can sort it.

How are you dealing with this at the moment? What are you saying to him?

It's time to stand up to him and tell him that

a) you know what you're doing and talking about
b) he is putting unnecessary pressure on you
c) he needs to shut the fuck up!

OP - you may not realise, but the word "retard" is highly offensive and shouldn't be used.

I think you need to nip his behaviour in the bud now.

hi,
thanks for your ideas,
i just want to state that he generally is really the best person, and also that he is usually very rational (as am i).
the usual argument kind of stuff doesnt really work, you can imagine that we had our shares of arguments about this already.
because his fears are so irrational (i.e. he doesnt even relax as we progress the pregnancy and as we get good results at every check) i find it hard to respond to them. mostly we all make fun of him, but that only gives him legitimacy in this behaviour. my current response is to simply do my "sinful" deeds in hiding and override his concerns in public once in a while. however, i wish i found a way to calm him down about my parenting skills and get him to trust me a little bit with our little one. after all its me who's feeling her...

i think his behavour is disgusting and if my husband told me i was a crap mum because i drank coke/scratched my stomach/etc id leave him. That is NOT the behaviour of a rational man. That is the behaviour of a control freak. I would be worried about impending domestic abuse :(

wow, these forums are harsh! nah, i think ill continue solving my issues on my own... my husband doesnt deserve this kind of talk even on an anonymous forum...

Well, if you put it up for public debate, you're going to get all sorts of answers. Personally, I think he could do with some form of counselling to help him deal with his irrational fears.

The only criticism or possible harshness, surely, was pulling you up for using the word 'retard'.

But if you don't like the advice ...

Good luck.

i dont think its harsh at all. you've told us that your husband has told you he thinks youre irresponsible, thoughtless and you'll be a bad mother and tells you off for scratching your stomach, drinking coke and dressing too warmly, amoungst an "endless list". this is very unusual behaviour- it appears that he feels the need to control what you do and you think its okay.
i am not one to jump on the "abuse" bandwagon here but domestic abuse skyrockets in pregnancy, with power and control being core to abuse.
i hope it all works out okay

People have reacted strongly because the behaviour you are describing is not normal.

Being protective and concerned is here

Being over protective is here

Being annoying is here

The line of reasonable behaviour is here

Interfering with mother to be's everyday life is here

Being unsupportive and critical is here

Undermining the mother to be and suggesting she can't cope is here

Your DH is here

If he's like this now how will he be when the baby arrives? I very much doubt that you'll be able to establish BF and bond with your child if he maintains this level of interference.

you are talking about "coke" as in coca cola ?

My main concern would be what will happen once baby is born. If he really does think you are going to be a bad mother unless he constantly monitors / lectures you you are going to run into a real issue once you have to make concrete decisions about how to care for your baby, methods of feeding, sleeping etc. You HAVE to try and address this now so that the lines are clear before baby is here. Quite how you do this I don't know - it will depend on your relationship and how open a person he is. Counselling, books, conversations with friends who are already parents, female relatives of his maybe. Best of luck - and as others have said, if you sk for opinions on here, you will get them - don;t huff at people who are trying to help.

Oh dear, I think there are some deep rooted problems tht he is not being honest with you about prob to do with his own parents. I would suggest some councelling as this is a problem not just him being a bully. It does need sorting before you have your baby as you can not rely on him calming down when you show him that you are a good mum. If it was you with the worries Dr would act straight away and give you advice, just because it is him does not mean help is not available. Having lots of arguements over this will not help you but you can not allow him to talk to you like a child and dictate how you live every minute. Can you have a couple of days at yr folks or with friends by yourself for a break? and is he like this infront of others - if so ask them what they think of his comments in front of him so he has to justify his ludicrous demands - he may then hear how silly they are. I really hope he finds some proff help otherwise you are going to have to make some serious decisions - best of luck hon xx

Oh dear fulllife, yes some fellow MNers have been harsh; but let's be honest generally an outsiders perspective in the most logical and unbiased. I am sure your husband is lovely (as you say) and his behaviour may be directly related to his own insecurities about being a father, as some very clever women have suggested above.

HOWEVER, if my husband ever patronised me like this, made me feel like I was incompotent, and tried to tell me I didn't know how to care for the baby that was growing in MY body.... we would have some SERIOUS issues.

I am really concerned for you because regardless of how level headed and down to earth you are- you clearly love this man, so on some sub-conscious level will begin taking on board his ridiculous claims... particularly if he shovelling them down your throat every second of the day.

You are compotent, capable and I am sure will be a wonderful mother. Why can't he see that? Your husband should be supporting you, every step of the way. I am sorry, but your husband cannot possibly understand what it is like to have that LO growing inside you; only a fellow mother can understand that.

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE talk to him about this- get harsh if you need to. His behaviour is totally irrational, controlling and demeaning. That is not the role your partner is supposed to play in your life.... and definitely not in pregnancy!