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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

How to not make friends feel bad that are TTC?

24 replies

Penelope1980 · 10/04/2011 06:32

I'm 15+3 today, and over the last few weeks have been telling friends and family my news. I've become aware though that there are more people than I thought who are TTC, and in the case of one friend, is on a waiting list for IVF (I had no idea until DH shared our news and she didn't seem so pleased). I was wondering if any of you ladies had any tips about how to approach this? There is also a woman at work that I was told through a third party that has been TTC for a while, and is 39 and feeling a bit desperate about it all.

Obviously I feel bad for them and don't want to be in their faces about it, but at the same time pregnancy is a big part of my life at the moment so don't want to make it like a white elephant in the room. Anyone got any tips?

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ShowOfHands · 10/04/2011 07:02

You sound utterly, utterly lovely.

And I'm going to sound like an utter, utter bitch.

The upset they might feel at your pregnancy doesn't come from anything you've done or might do but from their own sadness. You don't make them feel desperate, you only remind them of something that's already there.

You are so lovely to be mindful of other people's feelings and purely because you are, I'm sure you will be sensitive and kind in the same way that you would were you not pregnant. But if you work with several people, the pregnancy will be talked about, you will be asked about it and you will naturally want to share things as they progress. You won't avoid these conversations happening in the presence of people ttc.

I was the woman once dealing with the world around me being pregnant and struggling to get and stay pregnant. But there's nothing any pregnant woman could have done to change the sadness I felt. And I liked to practise being happy for those around me, because really I was. As for friends and family, well you know them. Be led by them but don't feel obliged to struggle through doing and saying the right thing all the time. The right thing is to continue to be a good friend and take the lead from them. I know it's hard but I could see close pregnant friends bumbling around trying not to be too excited or to say 'the right thing'. There is no right way.

Just whatever you do don't try and tell them 'oh it'll happen for you soon' or 'have you tried...?' That goes for everybody though.

Congratulations.

MrsVidic · 10/04/2011 07:07

In my experience got pg v easily but have relatives long term ttc and a few friends who have been trying a while. I'd tell them individually and never moan to them. Come on here for that!

LoveBeingKnockedUp · 10/04/2011 07:29

Agree with above, it's their issue nothing you say or do will stop them feeling terrible. When someone has been ttc for a long time it becomes all consuming. Please enjoy your pregnancy.

MainlyMaynie · 10/04/2011 09:20

I agree, nothing you can say will make them feel any better. I would try not to talk too much baby/pregnancy in front of them though. I'm not suggesting you avoid mentioning it, but being pregnant can be all consuming and it is easy to end up talking about it a lot. I didn't realise how easy until I finally got and stayed pregnant myself! What you really need is other pregnant women to obsess with, so you can avoid doing it too much with people who find it painful.

IME people who have been TTC a short-time won't find it painful and may be really interested, but anyone with longer-term difficulties will find it hard.

H007 · 10/04/2011 09:22

Glad you asked this am in the same boat and worried about telling my friends, we weren't even trying and it was a totally lovely shock, the day I found out was also the day that a good friend told me her last bout of IVF had failed :( she's previously had 2 and 1 ended in mc.... It is going to be really hard to tell her and yet I know she'll be happy for me

MrsTittleMouse · 10/04/2011 09:29

H007 - I now have two children, but we went through lots of fertility treatment and thought at one stage that it would never happen. If you'd been telling me, at that stage of my life, I'd have liked you to have done it in a setting where it was easy for me to get away. I always smiled and nodded, and then went home to sob my heart out. It was always very difficult to hold it all in until I was in private, so the shorter time that she would have to do that, the better. So not at the start of a lunch, where I would have had to have held it together for ages and ages, and definitely not in a group of people. Perhaps a phone call - before you tell anyone else, and acknowledging that it might be hard for her. Not text though, it's a bit too impersonal.

Congratulations, by the way. :)

BuffyFan · 10/04/2011 09:34

You're definitely not alone H007 and Penelope1980. I'm 7+6 and going to see friends Easter weekend. It would normally be a bit early to say anything, except when we see them normally it's for a boozy weekend, and I don't want to do anything stupid. But they've been trying for over a year, one mc and no luck since, and I just have to hope they'll be happy for us. I'd rather tell them face to face when we see them than have to do it my email / phone / FB.

I'm actually crossing my fingers they've invited us down because they've got news as well, but I know that partly wishful thinking and partly cowardice!

We'll just have to try and not talk about it too much, like others have said!

AbiAbi · 10/04/2011 10:03

Don't whinge on FB or put endless scan photos up like all my bloody friends

Congratulations!

Vix286 · 10/04/2011 10:12

I had a friend who has been ttc for 2 years and has just had her first fertility treatment appointment. I phoned her and told her before we announced to loads of people or made any facebook comments.

When we chat now, she asks how I am, I answer and then we move on to a different subject, I agree with AbiAbi I don't complain about any of it to her or on facebook!

Nicky7611 · 10/04/2011 10:16

I think Show of Hands has put it perfectly. It has taken us two years to get pregnant and during that time 7 ladies who I worked with got pregnant and had their children. I think as time went on I got used to being around pregnant ladies it made it easier to deal with.

I never used to dislike it when people talked about their pergnancy, as it was my own demon to deal with, not theirs. Sometimes it would be upsetting but it is a very special time of their lives which I didnt want to take away from them.

I'm sure if you are tactful you'll be fine

Congratulations by the way

MrsTittleMouse · 10/04/2011 10:16

Buffy - just my personal preference, but if I was your friend then I would like to be told before the weekend. If you are staying with them then she isn't going to have much time or privacy to be upset and angry that she isn't pregnant too. It would have coloured my whole weekend, which otherwise would be a lovely opportunity to forget about TTC and just have some fun with friends.

As I said, just my personal opinion.

lovemybabyboy · 10/04/2011 10:35

I would just like to say that you shouldnt feel guilty for being pregnant.
last year I found out i was expecting DC2 a week after a friend at work had told me she had a mmc, my aunt had also had a mc 3 months earlier, even though i had been ttc and was very happy to be pregnant, I felt guilty that I was pregnant and they had both lost one.
When I went to dating scan last august I found out that i had a mmc! I was devastated and then felt so silly for feeling guilty about being pregnant.

I am now 11+4 weeks pregnant (dating scan tomorrow! oh my god im so scared!!) and this time I have not felt guilty, I have felt extremely happy and blessed! I also feel that I dont deserve to be pregnant any less than anybody else, and that you never know what can happen, so just feel happy for yourself and dont worry about what anyone else thinks.

Sorry that might sound very mean, but what im trying to get at is people who may be ttc or have had a mc etc might see me pregnant and think its not fair but they have no idea what i have been through!

BuffyFan · 10/04/2011 10:38

Thanks MrsTittleMouse, that's good advice. My difficulty is that if we weren't seeing them, I probably wouldn't say anything for another few weeks.

I think I will have to say something before the weekend anyway, just to make sure we don't have food-I-can't-eat issues etc. And like you say will give my friends time to reflect without having us in their faces.

RufousBartleby · 10/04/2011 10:41

Tell anyone you think might be struggling to conceive via text - doing things in person can be over-rated - this gives them the chance to compose themselves rather than having to face you straight away. When I was struggling to conceive I felt most grateful to a friend who text me in advance of her announcement - very considerate.

I would second whoever said don't moan - there is nothing more irritating than a whinging pregnant person when you are ttc.

I'm sure you will be fine though, as you are clearly already considering others.

debka · 10/04/2011 11:16

My sister has been TTC for a while now. I have fallen pg v easily with my 2 DDs. I also felt awkward but as SoH says, it's not your fault, and you can't make it better for them. However when I was being induced with DD2 my sister visited just as I started going into labour. Watching me having contractions after several days in hospital made her feel a lot better about not being pg!!

FluffyDonkey · 10/04/2011 12:09

I'm in a similar situation, although the woman I know is not a close friend, just a colleague who shares my office.

She doesn't talk about it a lot but I do know she's going through fertility diagnosis, possibly IVF and she did tell me and another colleage not to wait too long (she's 39, we're 28) but to just go for it.

So when I had to announce my pregnancy at work I wasn't sure how to do it. We're not close enough for me to warn her in advance, but I didnt want to take her to one side to make a big deal about it.

In the end, I told everyone in my office at the same time, not as a big announcement, but as a by the way, when we were discussing another woman's pregnancy. There were 6 or 7 people in the office so no one noticed that she didn't join in with the chorus of congratulations. Since then I'm careful not to moan around her or go on about it, just when someone asks me (which isn't often - my colleagues really don't give a rats arse that I'm pregnant! ).

localcrackpot · 10/04/2011 12:16

I'd say give them as much space to get over the initial shock as you can, just so they can keep their dignity. If it's a work thing, email/tell a group at the end of the day so they can slip off without saying 'congratulations' and have chance to get over it and put their "I'm so pleased for you" face on. It depends how well you know them. This is good for people you only know a bit. Likewise my grandad told my uncle and his wife, who can't have children, by phone when we weren't there. They sent us a lovely card saying congratulations, but if roles were reversed I wouldn't want people staring at me sympathetically and trying to gauge my reaction when I first heard.
It's hard. You're not going to stop them from hurting, but I'm sure it'll be appreciated that you're doing your best to help them keep their dignity. I wouldn't want to be the one that burst into tears publically on hearing someone else's happy news :(

mrsden · 10/04/2011 12:24

I agree with what has been said about telling the person in a way that means they are not trapped. When I find out a friend is pregnant I always feel like I'm going to burst into tears, I need a bit of time to be on my own to digest the news. It is never that I'm not happy for the person, I am but it is still painful.

Also, I agree that it is very annoying when pregnant friends moan, try and do this with people who are also pregnant. And the worst thing for me is when pregnant people tell me how easily they got pregnant, only took one try etc or when they try to pass on well meaning advice about how to get pregnant.

Good luck and congratulations!

onadietcokebreak · 10/04/2011 17:08

I have a close friend who has had numerous miscarriages since the birth of her first child (we had our first ones together) She has always told me as soon as she is pregnant- sadly shortly followed by a text to say shes miscarrying. I couldnt bring myself to tell her immediately when I found out even though she knew I was trying. It took a week to tell her. She sent a lovely text saying shes is thrilled although a little jealous.

This was exactly the honest response I expected from her. I didnt ring or tell her face to face so she didnt need to pretend to be anything other than what she was. Text is our normal method of communication anyway.

The person that upset me the most (apart from my mother) was someone who is never happy for anyone about anything. She put a message saying "thats a year off your course then" on my facebook. I have since found out she has recently started TTC again and is having problems. Obviously this is upsetting for her but I didnt know that until a friend explained possibly reasoning behind her comment. What she did was unnecessary TTC or otherwise.

What Im trying to say is some people will take the news better than most- sometimes you can guess a reaction and be right - othertimes you just cant tell.

MrsTittleMouse · 10/04/2011 20:10

Oh yes, I forgot the comments about it being the "First try, must be doing something right, eh?". Nudge nudge, wink wink. They really hurt. As though we were doing something wrong; we weren't sexy enough, or our relationship wasn't hot enough, or whatever. Not that you would do that, as everyone on this thread is clearly very sensitive to the issue. But it seemed to happen all the time as soon as we were starting to realise that there was something seriously wrong. :(

Journey · 10/04/2011 20:23

Agree with localcrackpot

Original poster

Penelope1980 · 10/04/2011 21:10

Thanks for all the tips - very helpful! I think you are especially right about not moaning about the less glam aspects of pregnancy, and giving the women a chance to escape when telling them the news. Thanks

OP posts:

NoseyNooNoo · 10/04/2011 23:16

I remember people saying it was their first cycle, they weren't even trying and the worst was someone who got pregnant first time by mistake, second time during first cycle and then said, 'Some people are just meant to get pregnany'. I could have rung her neck!

However, I think if you are asking this question you are probably approaching it the right way.

Have a great pregnancy!

BuffyFan · 22/04/2011 18:47

I know it's silly to bump an old thread, but just had to report some good news. MrsTittleMouse - thanks so much for your good advice. I told my friend my email (we're seeing them tomorrow) and... it turns out they had some news for us too! I am so pleased for them and so glad we're going to be experience everything at the same time as our friends
[bugrin]

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