111.30pm visiting on postnatal ward?

[stegasaurus]

My sister-in-law had a baby this afternoon. MIL rang to tell us and ask when we are going to visit. I have a prior arrangement I can't get out of without letting a lot of people down 7-9 this evening, so DH suggested tomorrow or Wednesday. MIL said visisting at the hospital is until 11.30 tonight so we can come after I have finished as it is only about 10mins away. Is this normal? I am 36 weeks pregnant and definitely would not want anyone, even closest family members, visiting at that time of night when I have just given birth. SIL has been in labour since 1am so hasn't slept, so I thought it reasonable to wait until at least tomorrow, but MIL apparently was impressed when DH suggested that. If this is normal for postnatal wards, how can I request that no visitors come to see me at that kind of time?

MIL did this on my first, she also dragged BIL in while I was in labour luckily my mum was there (DP was afraid to make a fuss while I was in labour)and made her at least wait outside. Second time we didnt tell her I was in labour. Dont tell her.

My MIL waited in the corridor which is between the two security doors (delivery and post natal) in our hospital.

Don't let your DH tell them you're on labour. Be firm NOW so there is no misunderstanding at all.

I said no visitors til we're home and stuck to it.

Stegosaurus, I feel for you, that is a dreadful plan on your MIL's behalf! Agree now that you and DH should make a pact!!! Confiscate his phone if necessary (am doing so with my DH's but for different reasons :o )

And don't have anyone to visit until you're ready - I heard a MW standing really firm with an abusive (what I took to be) new granddad the other day, he was really on his high horse and she wouldn't let him through the door- firm and apologtetic!

My mum wanted to do this for me and I spoke to her about it, explained I couldn't wait to show my baby off to her but really felt that was mine and dh's time. I didn't want him feeling he had to keep leaving me to fill her in. She was really good about it and understood. My mil on the otherhand wasn't interested and wasn't planning on visiting for 2 weeks! Dh was v upset.
Try talking to her in a happy and excited way, make sure she doesn't feel excluded and I'm sure she'll understand. Oh and don't compare yourself to sil for labour-it will add to your anxiety. Every pregnancy/labour is so different you just can't predict what will happen.

At the hospital where I will be giving birth (If all goes according to plan!) The visiting hours are :-
Friends and family - 2pm till 5pm, then 7pm till 8:30pm
Partners and children - 9am till 9pm.
I'm going to tell DP I don't want visitors, unless I have to be in there days. The hospital in my town doesn't have a maternity ward, so we have to travel about 20 miles to get to hospital. So IMO theres no point travelling all that way when hopfully I should be home the day after giving birth (If all goes well). If no-one likes it, then tough!

Thanks everybody for your support. I did wonder if I was just being miserable last night. I have considered suggesting to DH that we just don't tell anybody when I am in labour and when we go to the hospital. I guess if there is any fallout from them being offended by this, hopefully we and they will be too excited by the new baby (and DH and I probably too exhausted) to care. Next week I have to meet with the midwife in charge of the midwifery led unit where I would like to have the baby, as I don't officially meet their criteria for being able to go there but my consultant is backing me to be allowed. If she agrees, I will ask about visiting times and whether family members are allowed to wait round all day. I would really like some time with just DH and the baby and I to get used to being a family, but it doesn't like we are going to get much of that, as his family are all determined to visit as soon as possible, and my mum has said for months that she is coming to stay for a week afterwards to do the cooking and stuff so we don't have to, and I wouldn't be surprised if my in-laws drop in every day for the first few days too. I don't want to seem ungrateful though as I know they are all trying to help.

Crikey OP I don't know how you feel about that but I would HATE my mum coming to stay for a week afterwards. I don't know what your mum is like, I love my mum to bits but if she did that she would be going home in a box. Would she try and take over and tell you you're doing everything wrong or would she help and support you with whatever you feel is right?

I think my main problem is the fact that my DP is such a mummys boy that he physically won't be able to not tell his mum that I'm in labour. Although she doesn't really seem that interested considering it's her first GC. She never asks how I am or how bump is. She's bought loads of stuff and knitted about 5 blankets. But she never asks how we're getting on or anything. I'm not sure she would even bother to visit me in hospital come to think of it!

Oops sorry kinda hijacked it there. . . .

If you don't want your mother, or anyone else's mother, coming to stay, NOW is the time to say. There will be people on here who go 'oh, you'll be glad of the help' and 'you're a bit selfish, the baby is born into the family' but to be honest, I didn't want anyone in my house for days and as no-one else in that house had to go through 17hrs on a drip, an episiotomy, forceps, 3rd degree tear or a manual placenta removal in theatre afterwards, it was my choice how long I waited for visitors.

And even 4 days later was too soon.

I had a really bad experience during visiting time when I had DS1. There were my parents, sister, brother, ex's mum, ex, my best friend & her boyf all crowded round my bed and ex's dad & brother waiting outside the curtain (10 people!). It was evening (had DS1 at 7.44am) and I'd had 8 months of hyperemesis, a 2 day induction and no sleep for 3 days and had tore really badly.

Everybody's faces started swimming and then I had loads of black spots in my vision, the MW came and belled for a consultant straight away and I lost consciousness. Apparently my BP nose dived or something and they thought it was something to do with the drugs they'd given me but I'm sure the stress of all the visitors talking to me when I couldn't think straight overwhelmed me. It was truly horrible so when DS2 was born only me & DH were actually at the hospital (I was out within 6 hours though) and this time I'm going to do the same, just me & DH. I can't believe your MIL (knowing herself what its like to give birth) would put her thoughts and feelings over and above yours OP. If you've just laboured for hours or had a caesreaen I feel you have a right to say actually no, I'm physically just not up to visitors yet. Just because you've borne a family member why should your privacy rights be put aside?

steg

I agree with the others - set expectations now.
I think it's extremely rude and inconsiderate for anyone to tell you when they will visit - they should wait until they are invited. There are many good reasons for this, including the fact that an overstimulated baby may find it harder to establish BF, you don't know what kind of birth you'll have, how you'll feel.... Childbirth is an uncertain time, it's not like going into hospital for a routine procedure when you know the likely outcome and timescales (I'll be in for the day / 2 nights / I'll be on crutches for x days afterward...)

I fear if you and your partner don't act as a family unit now you'll also find it difficult when the inevitable 'advice' is given. Including that your MIL has chosen her grandchild's name for you.

Btw I am due this month and have been through similar discussions with my OH. He will likely be booted out of the hospital an hour or two after the birth (unless me moving to the postnatal ward coincides with visiting hours) and understands that this time is important for bonding. So he will wait until he is at home to phone people with the news - no point wasting those first moments phoning round everyone. My mum was told (and understands) that I do not plan on anyone making plans on when to visit now, we'll wait til afterward, see what suits us at the time and let people know. TBH if anyone thinks that's unreasonable they can bog off! From experience a few friends had babies in the last year and one in particular really regrets that the inlaws (PIL, aunts / uncles / children) were at the hospital as soon as she was wheeled into the postlabour ward. She'd had an instrumental delivery, retained placenta, manual extraction with no epidural or spinal, and really was shellshocked from the whole experience. She was in no way lucid enough to say "no" at the time when everyone was picking up the baby even though her plans were for her to have provided the skin to skin contact!

Also - don't rely on the midwives acting as security guards. It's not their first priority and unless a small, quiet team they may not all know your plans or remember that the woman in room 7 doesn't want visitors but the woman in room 6 is anxiously waiting for her mum. Plus you'd have to think about reinforming them at shift changes.

Well said Grumblin, I'm sorry you had such a crappy time of it afterwards, I imagine it was loads better with your DS2? Even though you were in and out so quickly! How long do you have left? I am assuming you are having another where you said "this time I'm going to do the same" I only have 8 weeks and 4 days to go!! Due date is 7th June :)

Melly the labour, births and postnatal were SO different between DS1 & DS2. DS2 was 3 hours from first contraction to out and then I went home after the obligatory tea & toast and I had my lovely DH to look after me, whereas with DS1 I was a young single mother who was completely overwhelmed.

My due date is 24th June so I'm 2 weeks ish behind you. Lets hope this lovely weather holds, its lovely having a newborn in the summer. Is this your first?

Sorry about the thread hijack OP!

I had my baby 2 weeks early via an emergency section. He was born in the evening and we phoned to tell my in laws a couple of hours later. They visited every day I was in hospital except for one as I had had a bad night and they were fine with it.

My advice would be to not tell anyone when you go to hospital and then tell the midwives that your PIL might set up camp and can they send them away please. I get the excitement but tbh no ones wishes top mum's when you are in labour or have just given birth

Oh, gosh [b]stegasaurus[/b], that's just a monumentally bad plan by your inlaws. I think your DH really needs to stand up to them -- calmly but firmly saying something like 'obviously this is an exciting time for everyone, but stegasaurus is already feeling the pressure and feels like having any family members in the waiting room while she's in labour will increase the pressure for her to have a quick labour. Obviously that's not in her interests or the baby's, and I know it's not what you intend, so we'll just call you when it's all over, ok?'

We've made a rule that for the first two weeks, we will have no visitors for more than an hour, and people have to check in advance before coming round. Fortunately for this part of things, my inlaws live three hours away, so we're not expecting to see them until three or four weeks after the baby's born, and my parents are a 24 hour flight away and my mum's coming to stay 5 weeks after my due date -- though she'll be staying in a serviced apartment, not with us. The timing will be amazing as my husband will have gone back to work by then and I expect I'll need an extra pair of hands during the day.

Remember -- just because the doorbell rings, it doesn't mean you have to open the door! I know a few people who have made signs for their door saying they appreciate everyone's good wishes but they're not receiving visitors at the moment. Don't know if I'd have the guts to do that, but it's an idea.

Yep this is my first :) having a whale of a time sorting out the nursery :o I'm the babys going to love it when it's finished and she starts noticing amazing things, like her nursery :o

I would make a sign for my front door, but I know certain people would ignore it. DPs auntie certainly would for one, and she only lives 2 doors away from us! And BILs would, ignorant little shits. Even though they are 15 and 18. They have absolutely no respect for anyone or anything. God knows how my DP ended up so different to his 3 brothers.

Why can't you just tell them (and your mum if you don't want her staying the week) that they can't? That it's a precious time fior you and DH and that you'll see them a few days later?

or AIBU? That's what I'm intending to tell mine (parents, MIL and anyone else who shows up!)

YADNBU Jenga, I intend to tell my lot the same. Whether DPs' family will listen or not is another matter

My IL's turned at all times during labour and afterwards. They still drive me mad turning up unannounced and staying till 10 or 10.30 when all we want to do is go to sleep. (DD is now 6 1/2 months!)

My advice to anyone is be firm and make sure your DP/DH is onboard too!

No one visited me in hospital except DH, I really didn't want them too and fortunately my family were all able to contain themselves for 24 hours so I was at home when they came. Even so first week was a bit overwhelming with all the friends, neighbours and family coming and going.

Oh Steg you poor thing!! I made Dh agree beforehand that under no circumstances was anyone to be told I was in labour. There was not a chance I was having his family (or mine) popping in and out all day and night. Worked a treat, he phoned to tell everyone DS had been born when he left the hospital that night, and that we would be home in a couple of days so they could visit then. We then had a nice couple of days in hospital, just the three of us (well, nice-ish, it was still a hospital...). I think your PILs are being a bit rude really, inviting themselves to your labour.

It just wasn't an experience I wanted to share with anyone else, I wanted to get my own little family established before we left and faced everyone else.

God, what is wrong with people? Who thinks it's a good idea to visit at that time if night or sit around a waiting room? I agree with just not telling them you're in labour.

On your mum coming to stay, could you suggest she leaves it until your husband goes back to work? You might possibly be grateful for the help then (I wouldn't have been, but that's me). I would have hated anyone staying during the first 2 weeks when I spent many an evening sobbing. Urgh.

Visitors should come when invited, stay for 2 hours maximum, and bring food.

I second not relying on the midwives to keep people out, I've been in this situation so many times at work-patient not up to visitors, immediate relatives turn up and say "oh they can't possibly mean me" and the nurses waste precious time arguing with people's relatives and end up having to tell the patient who's there anyway because they don't take no for an answer. So sorry, but it really does have to come from you or your DH, the staff are not bouncers!

Muser, my mother also thinks her being here at the same time as DH being on paternity leave is a bad idea, but she said she will stay the first week and he should have his 2 weeks off after she has gone. We ignored her and DH has booked to be off from the day the baby is born. I don't get on so well with her and have no idea how I will put up with her living in my house for a week.

I don't know if we can tell my in-laws not to come when they want to. My MIL has a history of taking this sort of request to heart, being extremely upset and offended and ending up in tears. She's not well and I don't want to upset her when I know she is only trying to help and be supportive. Probably the only solution is to persuade DH not to tell anyone I am in labour until the baby is born.

Not sure but I would think the 11.30 time would only be for DHs or Partners not extended family.