DH wants to find out the sex - I DONT!!

[del1]

I am on my 3rd ( unplanned) pregnancy, and will have 3 under 3's!
I didnt want to find out the sex with the first two, and DH went along with my wishes.

However, with this one being an accident, he thinks we should find out, to make life easier.

He didnt want to keep the baby at first, and we were going to have a termination.
But I couldnt go through with it, and decided one more wouldnt really make a big difference to our family.

So when he said 'if were keeping it, we need to find out the sex' . I just said ok, to keep him happy!

We have both come to terms with our number 3, and now getting excited.
I really dont want to find out the sex though.
I love the suprise.
I mentioned it the other day, that I didnt want to find out, and he said he wouldnt change his mind, we need to find out.
I dont see why we 'need' to find out the sex.

Can you give me some good arguments to help me change his mind!?

I know I ultimatley have the choice, but dont want to be selfish either.

Why would you "need" to find out the sex? It's not going to make any difference now as you have decided to keep it.
Its your body you have to go through the pain of labour if you don't want to know then tell him to shove it!

Sorry in a shitty mood tonight!

I don't see why "ultimately you have the choice". It's a joint decision. If you decided the first 2 times not to find out then I think it's only fair he gets to decide this time round. I also think if he is having a hard time coming to terms with it then it will help HIM and you are quite selfish not to make it a bit easier on him. It sounds like he is finding it a bit hard to get his head around. I thought it was strange he made that 'condition' that if you keep the baby you need to find out the sex, but actually it does make some sense as it just makes it a bit more real and 'controllable' rather than a very important thing being an unknown. Sounds like you've had enough surprises!

I think if it's unplanned it will help you bond better with the baby. I also think 3 kids is difficult (I had 3 under 3 for 2 weeks till ds1 turned 3!), so anything that will help in advance like being able to sort out clothes, chuck things out which are irrelevant etc. will be a help. Believe me, there will be little time afterwards.

FWIW, I didn't find out first time, but second time I did as I was having twins and really wanted to get my head round 3 boys (if that was what I was going to end up with). It ended up being a girl and I'm still glad I found out. It did help me a lot, though the first time 'surprise' was also wonderful (but I'd done that once, now was time for something different). My v good friend is also pg with a 3rd (unplanned) and I encouraged her to find out as she was desperate for a girl after 2 boys. Anyway, tis another boy and I'm glad as she was extremely disappointed, but is getting over it. By the time the baby is born, she will be well over it and able to enjoy him right from the very start.

Good luck with what you decide, but I would let him have a say...Sorry not to arm you with arguments, and I was hoping this was in AIBU, so I could say YABU!

Why shouldn't he find out? They can write it on a slip of paper and hand it to him.

Oh it's tough. Because if you want to know, it's hard to explain it to somebody who doesn't want to know.

Can you ask the sonographer to write down the sex and put it in an envelope and agree to revisit the topic later? Or just him look? Would that annoy you?

Sorry my third paragraph makes no sense. I am tired! But my main point is in the first para. Clarabella, sounds like he does "need" to know.

I can understand why he wants to know. It helps him visualise the change that is coming & hopefully accept it a bit more.

I think as he respected your wishes on your first two and you said you would I think you would be unfair to not let him find out.

Sorry I agree, you had the first two as a surprise at least give him this one to find out. He probably thinks it will be good sense to find out for financial reasons, keeping old clothes etc.

I didnt want to find out for my first my DH desparatly does so we have made a pack that we dont for this one but we do for the next, just so he has his way for at least one pregnancy. I think men feel so left out when we go through all the pain, its our choice how we have the baby, where we have it really. What we do through our pregnancy, they have nothing. So to be given the choice to find out I think they jump at it, soemthing they can relate to and make a choice about.

And bringing up kids we are all going to have to compromise on lots of things so might as well start early.

I dont want to find out the sex of our second when I am pregnant but hey I have to compromise, this is a joint thing.

del1 you say you love the surprise - but you still get the surprise, just a few months earlier!

I disagree that you 'ultimatley have the choice' - this is as much his baby as yours, jsut because you're carrying it doesn't make it more yours, if you see what i mean.

I agree that you have had 2 'surprises', let him find out this time.

If you can't resolve it byt hte time you have your scan, get them to put it in a sealed envelope, then you can carry on arguing discussing it and can look / not look at a later date!

It may be that finding out will help both you and your DH bond more with this baby?

Hope you can come to a happy agreement :)

A good argument to help him change his mind may be that they are never 100% correct at finding out the sex of the baby....I know two people who they got it wrong with and they both ended up with tons of pink clothes, etc in preparation for a girl, then to everyone's surprise a little boy arrived!

I didn't want to find out with this one, and DH was adamant that he wanted to, and said he would be extremely disappointed if we couldn't find out. He said it would help him bond with the baby better because I obviously have all the physical connections of pregnancy, but he doesn't have any of that. We did find out with DC1 and I regretted it.

When we got to the scan I still didn't want to find out, so we asked the sonographer to write it down if she could see it. She handed DH the little slip of paper, and when I went to the loo after the scan, he looked, then destroyed the paper. I came out, he was grinning from ear to ear.

I am almost 37 weeks now, and he has still not let it slip once one way or another, and I still haven't felt inclined or tempted to find out. He even said it was more special for him because he had his own, "exclusive" little secret and is looking forward to me finding out at the birth. :)

It should be a joint decision - neither one of you should have more say than the other - I am quite that you seem to have so unthinkingly overridden his wishes in previous pregancies.

In addition

• You have already agreed that you will find out; why is it ok for you to go back on that agreement?
• You have made the decision twice before
• Is delaying a "surprise" for a few months really worth upsetting your DH

We are the same, except this is our first baby and it was planned. I think we'll find out, for DH's sake. You've got to find out eventually, IMO the birth will be so overwhelming that I don't think knowing the sex beforehand will make it any less special.

Just out of interest Del, what sex are your two children?

My DH thought finding out the baby's sex would help him "get his head around" having our third [surprise] DC. I really hate the idea of finding out the sex. I think I got my way because I was the one carrying the baby.

I feel uncomfortable with the implication in your post that he thinks you "owe" him finding out the sex of the baby because he deigned to agree to keeping the baby. That would make me want to tell him to go fuck himself actually. But then again, you agreed and are now appearing to go back on your word.

I agree with Balloonslayer. You don't owe it to him. It's absolutely fine for him to really want to find out but certainly not in return for you keeping the baby.
Neither of us wanted to find out the first two times. However, when I was pregnant with DD2, DH was really keen to know. She was supposed to be out last and as we had one of each, he was desperate to know the flavour. In the end we didn't find out because the part where he tells me each time is so important to me. However, he wasn't able to be with me so it didn't work out as planned and I now wish I had agreed to finding out. There is no way my DH could have kept it to himself though.

If your DH can keep it to himself then great. But if you really don't want to know and it's an important part of the birth for you then try to dissuade him.

I didnt want to know, OH did, we decided if we saw what it was that was OK, just didnt want them telling us.....as it was baby made the decision for us by stayed curled up and was hard enough just to get normal measurements let alone figure out the sex (midwife said she had no idea either at the end)!

I know and DH doesn't. I've not let it slip once. He's convinced it is what it is anyway!

I agree totally with many others - this is not your decision. It is your joint decision. I remember (I think) when you first found out you were pg and I hate to say it but if your DH feels he needs to know to help him bond with the baby I'd do it.

I've never found out before, this is #4. TBH I love having my secret and the only people I've told are those on here so there's no way it will get back to my RL but I still got the buzz of saying it's a boy.

I think you need to be the bigger person in this and compromise. After all, he's compromised twice before so now it's your turn. Especially if he's still getting his head around the whole third child issue. What will it really take away from you if he knows and doesn't say (if he's willing to do that - the organisation thing may not be a red herring) or if you both know. You can still keep it between the two of you if that would make you happier.

My DH really wanted to know but I didn't so we compromised and found out but we're not telling anyone so it'll still be a surprise for them. Plus, there's always the chance it could be a surprise for us too if the midwife was wrong, so we're decorating the nursery (this is our 1st) in neutral colours anyway just to be on the safe side.

I agree with other posters that this is a decision you need to make together and I think it could be very dangerous for your relationship if you were to go ahead against his wishes as it sounds like he has strong views on this.

Would it be that bad if you found out a bit early? The birth will be just as special even if you know in advance whether it's a boy or a girl - it's still the birth of your child after all - and (although I'm new at this) it sounds like very few births go strictly according to the mother's/parents' ideal birth plan so would this be any worse than, say, having to have a cs when you wanted a natural birth? I can't imagine anything making a baby's birth unspecial, even if it's your 3rd.

What are your reasons for categorically not wanting to find out?

Just as a different perspective, I really wanted to find out this time (2nd pregnancy) to prepare myself and our DD (who's adamant she wants a baby sister) but DH really didn't want to - so we haven't - I'd still like to know (38 weeks) but reckon we'll find out soon enough anyway.

Well, it can't be too much longer Pootle!

Wow, loads of replies!!

I spoke with my sister today, she found out with her second.
She agreed with most of you, that I should let him have his way this time.
She also said that it is still a great suprise meeting the baby, even when you know the sex.

I like the paper in an envelope idea, incase we havnt decided in 3 weeks time!

I've only just properly read what I posted, as I went to bed straight after posting this.
It does sound awfull the 'ultimatley my decision' part. I didnt really need to write that, as was probaby thinking out loud ( typing out loud).
I sort of meant, that if I was a bitch ( and im not) I could go myself as im the one carrying the baby, and not find out.
I wouldnt actually do that, as we do make decisions together, in fact I normaly let him have his way over most things, but didnt explain it, and it does sound selfish. ( still cant explain what I meant )

I never even thought of the idea that it might help DH bond better and get his head around it?
He has said that he'd like another boy, as we have one of each. So if it is a girl, it might help him get used to that?

I am now thinking there may be a grey area rather than black and white!

Thanks very much ladies for a different view on things. x