Am I being pathetically selfish or is this understandable?

[LadyDuck]

Sorry for a bit of a down-beat thread, but I need to vent/get some advice and I thought what better place to find people who understand than mn!

Bit of history....last year discovered mmc (at 9+2) at 12-wk scan. Devastating, obviously. Needed to wait for next period and then started ttc. Am pg again now (9+5), happy but both very anxious about it happening again.

Anyway, we decided to tell both parents this weekend. However, before we could we got a phone call to say that SiL is pregnant, 9 weeks as well and they've had an early scan and all is going well.

We then had to call round the family with the second lot of news that day, but with no back-up of a positive scan and a 100% failure record.

To start with I was even more scared about coping if I have another mc - how could we face/be happy for them - but now I'm just feeling gutted that they've stolen our thunder and got there first (they're much younger than us and only very recently married so we never expected this). They must have known we were trying again, given what happened. I just wanted to to be the first one and for it to be special, but now we're going to have to share everything, possibly even a due date, and I know there will be endless (perhaps unintentional but still there) comparisons.

Even as I'm typing this I know this all sounds so selfish and bitchy, but I can't help it. They are so laid back and unselfish that I know none of this was deliberate.

The only saving grace I can think of is that were are pg too, if we were still ttc I'd be even worse!

Please feel free to tell me I'm being a bitch (I know I am) or suggest ways of coping....

Oh LadyDuck! No, you are not being a bitch, you are obviously hurt and you need some time. I am sure you will actually enjoy having babies at the same time, even though right now it feels like she has stolen your thunder.

Concentrate on yourself and your little bean. And, I am sure you know that, but one miscarriage is only bad luck (that sounds wrong, what I mean is, you have every chance of this baby being healthy and happy!) so, although it makes you more nervous doesn't affect your chances of success!

Enjoy your pregnancy, enjoy telling people and maybe even sharing stories with your SiL???

Do you get on with SIL? It could be a lovely chance for you to support each other, and really nice for the cousins to grow up together.

It's not her fault, I assume she didn't know you were pregnant and jump in to steal your thunder, she couldn't hold off forever just in case you needed to be the first to tell.

I'm sure you know this though, it sounds like you are grieving your first mc, worried about this baby, and she is a good scapegoat. I'm not sure if that will make you feel better in the long run, and it could spoil your relationship with her (even if you never mention it, the resentment will seethe). Have you had a mooch around the mc board and pg after mc support threads?

People will compare, they do that anyway, if she wasn't pregnant they would compare your baby to any other child they have ever met of imagined. What matters most is that your baby is special to you, and no family member should love them any less because they have a cousin.

I know how you feel, and understand the jealous feeling of wanting to be the one in the lime light. It is such a special time for you, and you dont want anyone else to 'steal your thunder'.

When I told my family I was 12 weeks pregnant with my first, my cousin announced she was 10 weeks pregnant too.

I felt the same as you, because I wanted to be the only one with attention.
As it turned out, we compared bumps, symptoms, birth stories etc. And now our 2 year olds are great company for each other. We can share our terrible two's stories. It was lovely to have a 'bump' buddie, to support each other / know what your going through etc.

My cousin recently told us all she was 12 weeks pregnant - and guess what - I was 10 weeks pregnant.

FutureNannyOgg is right, you and your baby will get compared to any other baby going.
Mine get compared to their cousins, neighbours babies, even me when I was a baby!!

Just think of the fun they will have playing toether when you all meet up.

Think ahead to when they are cousins growing up and how lovely that will be. My sister, sil and I were all pregnant at the same time. A few years later and I can't even remember who broke the news first etc etc. Best of luck with your pregnancy

I can totally understand how you feel - I'd feel the same BUT on the positive side, your SIL and the GPs will all be v baby / child focused and all family events will be more fun for both DCs (and much noisier for everyone!) even if you dont become best friends with your SIL. The other alternative would have been possibly years of your SIL being jealous and desperate, even if she is laid back, the longing for a child when you are in close contact with babies / children does have an impact on the childless.

Congratulations, good look and don't put yourself under pressure to be friends or compare notes with SIL.

I am pregnant, and my sis in law in also pregnant (both with our first). She is due a few months before me, so the family knew her news before we even found out we were expecting. For what its worth, I was really worried about telling that side of the family, because I really did not want to be the one 'stealing their thunder'.

I have gotten past that now, and now just feel happy for both them and us. Really, it's a blessing... cousins will be close in age, which is nice.

As for comparisons, I just don't entertain that rubbish... children develop at their own rate and there is no right or wrong when it comes to that.

Try and look at it as a positive thing- it could potentially be quite special for your relationship with your sister in law.

I totally understand what you are feeling. Have a similar situation, but you just have to enjoy your pregnancy and focus entirely on your little bundle of joy. Try not to worry too much.
I get jealous feelings all the time because I am three months behind the other bump in the family and everyone is focused on her at the min, so I really do understand where you are coming from BUT once your get past the initial disappointment you will appreciate someone to share the experience with. I'm sure she knows what you've been through before and will be supportive and understanding.
Are you close?

Don't be so mental

I'm only a few weeks behind my SIL who was trying for years to have a baby and has conceived through IVF now and I can tell u its awful being on the other side too, because she had a few complications early on she has got alot of attention and I have got none as I have had a really good pregnancy which is obviously great (although i did have quite bad morning sickness somehow hers was always worse and I just had to get on with it while she lay on the sofa )

We were trying quite a while although we're alot younger and recently married, but I dont think its fair that already our baby isn't as special as hers- I'm not being bitchy I just want everyone to realise our baby is also special but I have a feeling it will never been seen as so!

So maybe your SIL feels the same way as me and thinks you are getting all the attention, as I know my SIL is always trying to play down my pregnancy so maybe she feels like she's not getting the attention she wants- but believe me she is getting plenty!!

Presumably your SIL didn't know that you were pregnant, and she could not hold off telling everyone forever in case you were.

Where does this "stealing of thunder" come in? Can you not try to see it as a blessing, that your family will have two new babies this year? It is wonderful.

I know how hard it is being pregnant after a miscarriage. You worry. But don't term yourself a "failure" - that is just silly. You did not fail, it was nothing that you did wrong.

It completely ok feeling like you do and I presume you're venting on here so you don't do it in real life. That's what mn is great for :-)

I promise that as soon as you're holding your baby in 7 months this will not even cross your mind.

You know you sil has every right to enjoy the lime light and she can't put her plans on hold for you. She may have presumed she may have trouble ttc so started sooner. She probably dreaded telling the family and your news makes it easier for her.

It is amazing having mummy friends who you can share stories with, I'm sure you'll be great allies

YABVU

You are not at all being bitchy but I'm sure you know you are being unreasonable.
She didn't know you were pg and it could have taken you years to conceive again so it is a wee bit unreasonable to have expected her to wait. People cannot put their lives on hold for others however much they sympathise and empathise with your situation.

I agree with others that you should see this as a positive. It will be lovely for everyone. And you must stop thinking of yourself as a failure. Hopefully you will feel much better and more relaxed about things after your scan. If you can afford it, hav eyou thought about paying for an early scan? Or asking for one at your local EPU? That may put your mind at rest.

Hilltop, it could be that her pregnancy is seen as more special than yours just because of the years trying and IVF. However, when your babies are born, no-one will consider her baby as more special than yours. They will both be much loved grandchildren.

I just wanted to chip in with what I think is a huge silver lining. Presuming you both give birth around the same time your MIL will suddenly have 2 new grandchildren to dote on and so just won't be able to spend every minute of the day with you and your little one.
Maybe I'm the only one who'd be really grateful for that!!

I'm sorry you're feeling bad now, but I think it's totally understandable and I'd probably be feeling exactly the same way as you so don't beat yourself up about your feelings. Just accept that's the way you feel, and concentrate on you and your bump.

And I agree with myredcardi - since you had a mc before, can you ask for an early scan? I know a friend of mine had an early scan at 10 weeks (NHS) because of her history of mc.

Hope so myredcardigan but when my MIL has not mentioned my pregnancy since the time we told her (at 10wks!) despite the fact that I have a bump and you can't forget about it, I just can't help but feel like I'm not as important.

It's hard to explain but SIL has serious attention issues, and actually doesn't act like she even wants a baby just loves the attention- that might sound cruel but if you knew her in RL u would understand, and i'm not the only one who thinks it.

How can you be annoyed with them when they told people first? Maybe they feel like YOU stole their thunder as you told people on the same day?! Please don't let this affect your attitude to your pregnancy or your relationship with your niece/nephew. A family member of ours was in the same situation and she seems to have taken against her little nephew and SIL from the start of the pregnancy because she seems to think her SIL got pregnant on purpose at the same time, as SIL knew she was trying for a baby. It's such a shame.

YABU, sorry, I know you know this. It must be really hard.

I'm in a similar position as you at the moment - my niece announced her pg as soon as she wet the stick so to speak... I waited til 12 weeks due to (like you) previous 100% failure rate. Our babies are due within weeks of each other.
I in no way see my niece as having stolen my thunder, and hopefully she doesn't think the same of me. It's just a happy coincidence, and I think it's great that my baby will have a little playmate to grow up with.

There aren't many babies in our family (in fact, none for about 20 years...) and we have a VERY small family unit, so although it might be just as nice to be having the only one, I can only look at it as a positive thing that I'm not doing it on my own. At least the attention will be shared and my child won't grow up totally spoilt!

Your SIL sounds great from how you describe her, so I hope you can also see some positives from your situation.

Good luck and congratulations :)

I can understand why you feel a bit put out but SIL won't have known that you are pregnant when they announced and you can't expect everyone to hold off having babies while you're ttc just so you get to go first.

To give you the other point of view I'm expecting first DC next week, when we told DBIL and DSIL the phrase 'lead balloon' was appropriate. Turns out they had been trying for two years without success. They had never told us or PIL they were ttc so no one was really prepared for their reactions and DH and I left feeling horrible and like we should have done things differently (which we would if we'd known).

Fast forward six months and DSIL and DBIL and now expecting as well. It's very early days for them and they were worried about telling us in case we thought our 'thunder would be stolen' given as we're so close to the due date! We honestly couldn't be more excited for them and I really hope that I can give SIL advice when she needs it (as well as saving all the newborn bits for them!) as, like us, they're the first in their social group to have a baby. Also I was always of my Dsis's and Dcousins who were very close in age and am so happy that my DC will have a cousin the same age to play with.

When i announce i was pg (1st grandchild for both of our parents, and i thought 1st great grandchild for all sets of great grandparents too)

After id announced i was pg my cousins did too, Shes 3 weeks ahead of me. She is much younger than me, but had a miscarriage at 12 weeks last year so was waiting a bit longer to announce her news.

Have to say I dont mind at all. She will give (one of) my grandparents their 1st great granchild (probably, if shes late and im early mine could easily be 1st!) But i dont mind at all. It doesnt matter really, our grandmother will be as delighted with both of her new great grandchildren!
I am happy for them, they are happy for us, and i think we are alot closer as a result. Also someone else who i can moan about being pg too.

be happy for them, let them be happy for you, and its lovely that at family events your children will have a similar aged playmate... when toddlers / slightly older, it may mean that you and DH, and SIL and BIL might all be able to share keeping an eye on both of them, and hence all get more grown-up time too. Not quite so practical when children are different ages.

Good Luck with the rest of your pregnancy

Wow, thanks everyone for the supportive messages and I know you are all totally right.

I am actually feeling a lot better about it all and I think it was a mix of the worry of getting through it this time, fear of another mc, shock that they were pg too (and the same number of weeks), and, of course prob a bit of hormones in there too, all at the same time.

If all goes to plan (I'm saying that a lot these days!) it will be nice to have two cousins so close in age. Unfortunately we are not close geographically, which is a shame. (Like most modern families we are spread around a bit).

I think I still need to get past the first hurdle before I start comparing notes; I did that last time with a friend who was 2 weeks behind me and when it all went to pot for me and not for her it was heartbreaking. Especially when she announced her pregnancy and perfect scan on facebook! (what is it with that?) It will be even worse in this situation.

We had our first mw app today. They don't do early scans here (unless, perhaps, after a few mcs) so if we want one we'd need to go private. We were thinking about it, but just because everything is OK now still does guarantee that we will make it to 12 weeks, so I think we'll wait and save the money for the baby.

Doing my best to be positive, about everything. Succeeding most of the time. :) (Trying not to patch it up with chocolate - I need to eat heathily!)

Thanks and hope all goes well with the rest of you too....

Chocolate is an excellent source of iron, which you need from the 10th week ...

I'm going with the consensus too, not bitchy but a bit unreasonable. Also if she's only 9 weeks and she's already been scanned, it's perfectly possible they've had their own issues/losses before and she might be just as terrified as you.