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Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

How do I deal with my mother during my first pregnancy?

8 replies

redexpat · 27/03/2011 20:42

I'm 12 weeks pregnant. It's my first pregnancy, and will be the first grandchild on both sides. My mother is a retired nurse, midwife and healthvisitor in her desperation to help (and she really is trying to be helpful), is firing twenty questions as a minimum during every telephone conversation. The answers to these are almost inevitably: I don't know. It's making me feel like a failure and is overwhelming and this is only the 12th week so it's only going to get worse. Today she asked me about my haemoglobin levels. I HAVE NO F-ING IDEA! WHY WOULD I? Then she demanded to know the results of blood tests which were taken a month ago, and the Dr told me were to establish if I was a high risk pregnancy. I haven't had any results. My understanding was that it was for their info.

I should add to this, that I am living abroad, and some of the practices here are different. For example, my birthing choice consisted of which of these 2 hospitals do you want to go to? So some of the things she's asking about, don't exist here, or are done differently. So all in all, she's confusing me, overwhelming and really not helping me.

How do I best deal with it? How do I ask her nicely but firmly to stop in a way that wont completely alienate her? I'm pretty sure that she'll be wonderful when the baby actually comes, but not sure I can cope with the next 7 months!

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MrsVidic · 27/03/2011 20:54

In my experience you have to be firm and honest as you will get so wound up if you don't, you'll end up shouting it all at her.
Tell her you struggle to remember her questions so she should email them to you.

marie14 · 27/03/2011 20:58

I'm lucky enough my mum is being supportive and not pushy, but the OH's mother ...!

Same situation, first grandchild on both sides. She's very interfering anyway and a nurse and insists on asking so many questions! My boyfriend had an operation a few months ago and she was asking/telling the doctors and nurses so many things, i was so embarassed!

She doesn't know she's banned from the hospital yet, I can't deal with her sticking her nose in! I can imagine it's worse being your mum!

nannyl · 27/03/2011 21:04

LOL

I too am pg... 1st grandchild on both sides and 1st great grand child on all sides too Shock

I live 250 miles away from my parents (5 mins from in laws (who are lovely)) so my mum will not be coming to see baby until baby is at least 2 weeks old. (when paternity leave finishes)
I couldnt think of anything worse than having her at my (hopefully) home birth!

barelyutterly · 27/03/2011 21:06

Just ask her nicely but firmly. Say "I would appreciate it if you wouldn't ask me all these questions. It makes me feel uncomfortable and I don't want to discuss every little detail of my pregnancy with you. If there's a problem and I need advice I will let you know."

Repeat if necessary. Repeat again....

If she's that easily alienated, well, it's her loss not yours!

You are not required to answer anyone's questions about your pregnancy, so just don't. All the more so if you think that answering questions will stress you out or make you feel inadequate or bad about yourself. This is your pregnancy, not your mother's. If she's desperate to know everything there is to know about pregnancy these days, maybe she should get pregnant herself again! Grin

She'll get the picture eventually. Tell her now while you can still be nice and firm, rather than later when you might lose your cool and be rude or mean.

Pagwatch · 27/03/2011 21:10

Oh just tell her!

She is allowing her excitement and anxiety and desire to help to overwhelm both of you.

Just say to her..or email to her...
I love you and I love how you are sharing this and trying to support me. But I don't want you to be my nurse or hv or what ever. I just want you to be my mum and ask me how I am feeling, not what my haemoglobin levels are. I am nervous and your concern is making me more so'

Just tell her. If it were the other way around, tell her how you would want to hear it.
But you need to deal with this or you will not be able to have ' god I am feeling crappy today' conversations without it being difficult. Then you will stop being honest and you will both miss out.

SnapFrakkleAndPop · 27/03/2011 21:27

Sounds rather like my birthing choices...not in France, are you?!

I agree with Pag - you need to tell her that you need her to be your mother and not your MW.

apricotears · 27/03/2011 22:04

I agree with Barelyutterly. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being honest, and you can do it in a nice way. My Mum is great (aside from taking it upon herself to tell everyone... including my boss Shock), but she is very, very well intentioned! So really, I am quite lucky.

At the end of the day, she is your Mum... and you can say anything you like to her and eventually things will be okay again. That's the way family works.

I think if you hold it all in, eventually it will just boil over and the situation will get ugly! I am sure she doesn't realise how the constant questioning is making you feel inadequate, otherwise she would be a little more sensetive.

Just be honest redexpat, it really is the best way.

redexpat · 28/03/2011 10:13

Thanks guys. Firm but kind email written and sent, with a bit of copy and pasting from your answers. Smile

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