1st baby cooking....how to get daddy to be involved?

[JimmyChoo17]

Hi ladies.

I have a really good close relationship with my hubby but realise he is so detached from baby other than diy in the nursery....

This is our first and obviously new territory so I wanted to find out how you all managed to bridge the pregnancy gap with daddy?

I asked him if he loved bump today and he said....well it's just a round belly and it's between mum and bump only he is not really involved so doesn't seem real.( I wa actually annoying him as I was rubbing my stretchy belly at the time) :-(

I make sure that not every thing is about baby but how do you get daddies to be to bond with their firstborn whilst you are pregnant?

Buy some children's books and get him to read to your bump. There's good evidence that a baby that regularly hears a story being read by your DH will recognise the story and voice when he/she is born.

i really wouldnt worry about it or start a trap of guilt etc. Daddy will bond in his own way in his own time once dc arrives or maybe before. just make sure you allow him to feel baby moving sometimes and maybe offer the opportunity to hear the heartbeat before arrival. but dont worry too much- your DH will get there!

My husband is always completely disinterested in my pregnancies to the point of being really hurtful and upsetting at times - but he does deal with the practical stuff if requested.

Some men just can't see a baby there - it's a theoretical concept not a real baby. They don't live with the changes we do and don't feel the kicks (or even want to in my DH's case :( ) - it's just not something they can relate to. Mine wouldn't even read a book. And believe me, I used to try but only ended up feeling increasingly hurt on the baby's behalf.

Thankfully it completely changes once the baby is here and he is (usually!!) a great father to them and loves them to bits. But I know from talking to others that he is not unique in this annoying pre-birth behaviour!!

My dh was the same - not v interested in bump and to be totally honest I don't think the baby excited him that much. A toddler is totally different. I think lots of men are quite dutiful about pregnancy and babies but prefer the children as they get older. Not all though!

Interesting isn't it? I keep imagining how i'd behave if HE had the baby inside him ... God i'd be a pain in the ar**! Constantly looking and feeling and asking things. And i wouldn't want to let him out of my sight, lol

But I think when men have no control over a situation (and this is basicly the truth no matter how much imput you try to give them) they tend to 'look away' somehow, mentaly. Not unkindly - and not all men. But it's a male thing i think ....

amature psychology session overwith for today

My DH would think I'd gone crazy if I asked him to read to my bump - it just wouldn't happen!

Up until I was about 30 weeks he used to forget I was pregnant - just say or suggest things unthinkingly that were not an option when preg, and he even suggested booking a trip away in early May - due date 26th April! I had an obvious bump from quite early (3rd DC).

Since finding out the gender he has related to the bump a bit more - I don't think it is because he is pleased it is a boy specifically (we already have one of each) but more because it is easier to imagine who is in there now!

He has only once felt the baby kick, although he has tried a couple of times.

He is also not really a baby person, but his interest kicks in when they start walking - we always joke that the reason DD walked at 9 months old was to get Daddy's attention - and it really worked :) The change in their interaction from then was amazing, he never took her out of the house by himself until she was walking for example, but he happily did once she was - no real logic to it as she was so little she still needed carrying most of the time, it just seemed to change something. Same with the fact he didn't really talk to the kids much until they could talk back...

I wouldn't push it or do anything to try and "make" him interested in bump - some men are really into the whole pregnancy thing, others aren't, I don't think you can force it and will cause friction / guilt or resentment if you do too much. Obviously if you need practical help then ask for an expect it, but I don't think trying to make him interested before he naturally is will have good results!

It doesn't mean anything about what kind of dad he'll be once the baby is here, once the baby becomes a toddler and a child etc. as far as I can see!

All the best

Jimmychoo I've been going through something similar, Dh doing DIY stuff but not otherwise bothered, i'm 33 weeks, and whilst a little nervous about the actual birth, am excited and nesting like mad. All until yesterday when he decided to take the day off to come to the midwife with me, only a routine appt. Well once he'd heard the heartbeat, that was is he's now totally in baby mode, we went toy shopping, then he rubbed and talked to bump all evening. I think it suddenly dawned on him that a little person will be in our life sooner rather than later.

My DH is the same. He likes to come to scans as he can actually see the baby, but otherwise he isn't all that bothered. You said your DH is doing DIY for the nursery - well that is his way of preparing for the baby. What about asking him to research car seats or buggies or something like that?

There is absolutely no way my DH would have read to my bump, but he loves reading to DS and DD. So just because your DH seems disinterested in the bump, doesn't mean he won't care about the baby IYSWIM.

I guess Im lucky really as I have read other posts about total disinterested hubbys but hes not that bad really. I think he would like to know more but not carrying bubs - restricts that somewhat.

He'll be a great dad and neither him nor I am worried about him bonding once baby arrives - both looking forward to that bit...I suppose its because he made the comment last night and the unatural amount of bonding going on with our dog at the moment...ha ha! Like I have the bump he has the dog!

There is no way he would read to the baby tho - have to say (please dont judge) I wouldnt do that either at the moment. I talk to my bump tho and play soothing music...for some reason my old dance CDs just dont seem appropriate in the car anymore! :)

Did manage to get him to watch 30 mins of Mondays one born every minute and he was more horrified about that girls teeth than the birth bit!!

misty Good point...whilst watching OBEM he did say..."I could do that, I have a high pain threshold, its all in the mind...."

I retorted with a please dont dare say that whilst Im in labour and its not all in the mind its the fanjo, belly, back etc etc.

Im not going to enforce it on him or make him guilty at all - we are just not like that as a couple, but was just wondering whether anyone felt they benefited from taking him in to account more or getting him involved more - but it seems not.

Meanwhile hes making a fab househusband..whilst not up to girl's standard, the house gets cleaned and hes taken over lots of stuff to prep him himself for when he has to! Our nursery is looking great too he spent ages redesigning our nursery's built in wardrobe the other day to make it baby item storage friendly....So I suppose thats a guys way of bonding...getting out his power tools!

All of this said he did wake up this morning and leave his hands on bump for some morning kicks....and was amazed at how strong bubs is!!

Thanks ladies for your replies!

In my DH's case the way to involve him was decisions about essential equipment such as buggy, car seat, etc.

Those were "his" domain (with input from me) and he loved assembling the buggy and so on.

The difficult part for us was after the birth, when I was bf DD, because after a few weeks it became apparent that there was nothing he could really do to comfort DD - all she wanted was my boobs.

With DC2 we plan to introduce one expressed bottle a day quite early on, so he can do something too.

When we started weaning, DH came into his own because he loves cooking and spent half of every weekend making all the purees for the week ahead, bless him!

I got much more reaction (and understanding) from DH once I signed him up to weekly update emails about the pregnancy. I used www.babycentre.co.uk but there are lots of similar sites. I couldnt get him to read a pregnancy book so this was a good way of getting some facts into him, as because the information is relevant to your stage of pregnancy its much more useful and interesting. He still enjoys reading the updates now and our son is 2.9 years old

"well it's just a round belly and it's between mum and bump only he is not really involved so doesn't seem real."

My DH was like this both times. It wasn't that he didn't care, or wasn't nice to me.

It was just that it didn't seem real to him until there was an actual baby there.

With DD1 he bonded with her straight away. It was amazing to see. With DD2 it took a bit longer. He seemed to be quite protective of DD1 for a while and wanted to make sure she wasn't "pushed out" by the new baby. But after a couple of weeks he started doing a feed at night and then he bonded.

Just let him be. He'll get excited in his own time. To a large extent he's not really involved at the moment.

I found this easy to do as I never really bonded with the bump myself. To me it just seemed like a weird alien inside me :o

Just had another thought: NCT/Ante-natal classes. A good way for your DH to meet other dads-to-be in the same boat. Encourage them to go out for a beer together and swap stories.

With a bit of luck there will be a "goody-two-shoes" involved-dad-to-be in your class who has read every book going and will shame your DH into reading more!

My DH also liked reading this book. Perfect toilet reading.

My DP was a nightmare to start with, I just couldn't get him to bond with my bump the way I did. Everytime I tried to get him to feel the baby move, he looked disinterested. Maybe that was because the times he did attempt to feel my bump, baby decided to stop moving. He may have taken that personally. I was really hurt by his lack of interest, but actually, it wasn't that he was not interested, he couldn't feel what I felt. I bought him a book "The Blokes Guide to Pregnancy" by Jon Smith. I thought it would be better to get him a book written from a man's perspective. It worked a treat. He didn't feel like he was being preached at found some of the comments comical. He's loads better and has enjoyed this read.

He is now happily awaiting our new arrival who should have been here Monday.

My DH was totally disinterested in my first pregnancy, I used to run myself a warm bath, lock the door behind me and wail in the bath for half an hour because I was so devastated.

But......when I went to my antenatal classes, there was a man there with his wife who was so into the whole birth thing that it totally repulsed me - he hogged the whole class asking the midwife questions about cervixs, episiotomies, vaginal tearing etc. I came away thanking my lucky stars that my husband wasn't like that! (We also had a session with a physio where we were seated on pillows on the floor - he took about five pillows each for himself and his dear wife, leaving myself and several other heavily pregnant ladies sitting on a concrete floor with no pillows at all, as he wouldn't give them up. What a tool!)

But DH was the most amazing dad from day 1.

I'm pregnant again, and he couldn't be less interested. But I'm confident it will all be well in the end. And reading this thread actually is showing me that its much more common than I thought!

My DH was slightly interested in pregnancy number one in that he asked how I was feeling most days and attended scan and consultant appointments with me. With pregnancy number 2 he asked less but came to scans and consultant appointments. This time, he doesn't ask and he can't attend scans or consultant appointments I think he might of actually forgotten I am pregnant again.

With the other 2 it seemed to sink in when I was in labour then he was very helpful and once the baby was in his arms he was overjoyed and is a great Daddy.