Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Flip

Original poster

Warning: Rambling Post. Is pregnancy a good reason to marry?

23 replies

misty0 · 18/03/2011 21:07

Firstly thanx for giving this a go - 2nd, i know this is probably not the best place to post this dilema - but i've been posting on here about my pregnancy quite a bit and you ladies are always great!

So: I've got 3 girls, 18,15 + 13 and am divorced from their dad(he's hopeless). It was a 17 year mariage that began when i was only 19. I still believe in mariage - to the right man! My new guy has no kids of his own. He's younger than me + we've been living together blissfully for 3 years. He's being a great step dad. I love him madly, and he loves me, and treats me beautifuly.

At the very start of the relationship he said he didn't think he could father a child due to a groin injury and wasn't bothered about having one of his own anyway (i think those 2 things were linked). Plus part of his whole philosophy of life was that he NEVER wanted to marry. He said a genuinly loving relationship didn't need + could be spoiled by a contract like that. I would have married him in a heartbeat if he'd have asked me - and he knew that - but i was fine with it all as it was.

Then after about 18 months of us all living as a family he began to mutter about wanting to try for a baby. I was quite shocked - thought i was done with all that - but thought it over and said i would try with him. Just over a year of trying naturaly later i'm 10 weeks preggers! Fabulous! We're both over the moon

So what's the problem? Well - he suddenly took my hand and announced last night, (during the weather forcast), that he thinks we should get married so that the baby AND i have his surname!!! He added that he loved me and that we were going to be a proper family soon, and what did i think?

I said (in a nicer way than this will sound) that i would of hoped for a more romantic reason to be asked for marriage. And that i/we should think about it. We left it at that.

I know very well what it's like to feel trapped in a relationship and i would hate either of us to head down that road. He's the love of my life and i couldn't live without him.

So - what do YOU think?? Any thoughts or ramblings would be welcome - and congrats for getting to the end of this waffle xxx

OP posts:

prettywhiteguitar · 18/03/2011 21:17

Congratultions first of all !!

I think it was quite a nice adult way of saying to you he'd changed his mind ? Not sure, maybe you guys just need to talk about it a bit more so you're sure of his reasons

comixminx · 18/03/2011 21:19

Is he really serious that changing your name is a reason to get married? I mean, yes, plenty of people do change their names on marriage, but surely it's not why they get married? FWIW I either changed my name nor got married, but I could have done either one without the other if I'd wanted to... I agree that you should get married cos you want to be married, full stop.

Original poster

misty0 · 18/03/2011 21:20

Bless you for reading it! x Yeah your right about that. We do need to talk more. I just dont know where i stand yet...in my own head i mean.

Throwing it open for comments helps clear your mind sometimes, y'know?

OP posts:

Beamur · 18/03/2011 21:22

Maybe the not marrying philosophy was linked to thinking he couldn't father a child and now he has, has re-evaluated that?
If you love each other, then having a child together is not exactly a bad reason to get married?
(I say this as an unmarried woman - engaged, but not quite got round to it yet...)

Georgimama · 18/03/2011 21:27

I think many people do not realise just how little security cohabitation gives both partners, but particularly a woman, as far as both financials and legal affairs are concerned. And I don't see anything unromantic about wanting to give the person you love that security.

You want to marry him, and now he wants to get married too. There is no bad here. Stop over thinking it.

FourFortyFour · 18/03/2011 21:27

I think it was romantic actually. .

Congratulations on the baby .

My dh proposed to me in a way I wasn't expecting. All that mattered was he wanted to marry me.

If you want to marry him, marry him .

Original poster

misty0 · 18/03/2011 21:30

Thank you ladies - you're doing great!

I probably AM overthinking this - i bet theres smoke coming out of my ears right now, lol.
But this is one of those things worth alot of thought ...

OP posts:

laabama · 18/03/2011 22:02

I agree that if you want to marry him then you should. My only question (sorry!) is if you change your surname so that you and baby have the same surname as him, what about your other children? Will they keep their current surname or would you want to change those too so you have the same name as all your children?
Sorry if adding to the thinking / worrying.....

cowboylover · 18/03/2011 22:16

Congratulations on the pregnancy.

I am a very happily married lady but that came first for us not the baby as now am 32 weeks pregnant. My best friends situation sounded very similar to yours.

Please dont think I am getting into a children before marrage arguement but for me it meant we had the wedding we wanted that I enjoyed every bit of and my friend rushed hers with limited choices due to time limits ect and was tired out at 30 weeks pregnant so something to consider if her wants to do it before the birth.

To some people my statement it totally bollox and not relevant to them but for what we wanted so it was either before getting pregnant or wait until after the baby was born.

So as you have already said have a really good chat about why he wants to do it, why you both want to do it and what you would like your wedding to be like ect

Good luck x

1Catherine1 · 18/03/2011 23:40

"I don't believe in marriage because just a worthless piece of paper. I know too many couples who have got married and then they just take each other for granted"... I'm sure I used that line on an ex once. Basically, I wanted to avoid the marriage conversation at the time. My current DP knows I believe in marriage and we plan to get married when we can afford too.

I'm not suggesting your DP was fobbing you off with a line a few years ago about not believing in marriage but I believe that until you meet "the one" you really don't believe in it. Maybe it just took him a little bit longer for him to realize you were "the one" for him. He wasn't bothered about having kids but then we all get to that stage at a different point in our lives. He probably believed it at the time but maybe being a step dad made him see that it was something he actually wanted to do.

If you love him and want to marry him then do it. To me it sounds like he isn't marrying you because you are pregnant but because he loves you and he wants it all - wife and baby. He probably hasn't phrased it in the right way for you but his intentions read like that to me at least. Talk to him some more to see. It is actually quite romantic really, either that or my hormones are making me overly emotional again

CointreauVersial · 18/03/2011 23:56

I had two kids with DH before we got married, and, at the time, never felt the need to BE married. We were both working, co-owned our home, and neither of us was financially dependent on the other.

But then I gave up work to be a SAHM, and the balance changed. I no longer had any financial security as an unmarried partner, and with the DCs to consider the balance started to swing in favour of us getting married.

It sounds very unromantic and business-like, and in a way it was a "business" decision. We didn't need a piece of paper to tell us we had a great relationship and lovely DCs - and we are still together after 15 years - but you can't tell what's around the corner. If something ever happened to DH, or he took off, the DCs and myself would be in a much more precarious position if we hadn't married. For example, he has life assurance through his job - but it pays out only to "spouses".

It may not have been the romantic down-on-one-knee start to a marriage, but we had a great celebration with all of our friends - it was really cementing the relationship we already had. Oh yes, and I really hated my maiden name and finally had the perfect opportunity to ditch it!

Anyway, that's me; whatever you do, OP good luck with the pregnancy, and hope you make the right decision.

sb6699 · 18/03/2011 23:56

I agree with others, it sounds like he may have changed his mind about marriage now that there is a baby on the way.

It sounds as if you both love each other anyway

I think giving security to his partner and child is an important thing for a man. There was a mn'er who lost her partner and she posted about how difficult things were for her practically/financially speaking because they weren't married even though they had children and were living together as a married couple. I cant remember who it was but maybe reading this will jolt someones memory and you can search for the thread - it really is worth reading.

Romantic proposals arent the be all and end all (although they're nice). My dh proposed while we were sitting on the sofa watching Eastenders - something along the lines of "well how would you feel about getting married then", no bended-knee or diamond ring. We've now been married for 10 years

MrsMooky · 19/03/2011 06:38

I think maybe he was being romantic; he just needed to give you a reason so as to negate the previous comments IYSWIM? I think the intentions are right - he loves you! And congratlations - you sound like you're in a great relationship, and best of luck with the baby.

Original poster

misty0 · 19/03/2011 16:51

Thank you xxx all of you, ever so much.

Your comments have been helpful and very sweet too You're all so WISE!

We had a chat this morning - we laughed about the 'proposal' style, during the weather forcast ect.

I think pretty much all of you have been right about one aspect of this or another - but

We're gonna do it!

(after baby's born tho', so i can fit in a nice dress xx)

OP posts:

Cyclebump · 19/03/2011 17:03

I've been with my DP 10 years and marriage wasn't really on the cards although he knew it was something I wanted. We found out we were pregnant in August and were thrilled. He was surprised and pleased at my decision that the baby should take his last name but I pointed out that I wanted the baby to have a tangible link to his family.

My sister then got engaged and when we were talking about it one night I mentioned that it would be weird that I would have a different name to him and my son.

I wasn't fishing but he suddenly said let's do it. He said he'd suddenly realised it would make us a family unit and he wanted us to be just that, a family. It'll probably be next year but right now we're focussing on baby (am nearly 38 weeks).

Maybe your DP had the same epiphany as a result of the pregnancy?

Cyclebump · 19/03/2011 17:04

Aaargh! X-post!

CONGRATULATIONS!

GnomeDePlume · 19/03/2011 17:13

Congratulations Misty - if it makes you feel any better I proposed to DH while we were washing up. This year we will have been married 20 years. At the end of the day it is the quality of the commitment which matters not the quality of the wedding dress.

1Catherine1 · 19/03/2011 17:15

Congratulations Misty!!

It will be such a lovely event with your LO there too :)

FourFortyFour · 19/03/2011 17:18

Oh just do it now. Tidier on the birth certificate!!

Congratulations!

Snakeears · 20/03/2011 07:03

Congratulations on the baby and also on having what sounds like a really lovely DH (despite the possibly slightly misguided tone of proposal)

This is going to sound really really unromantic and I wouldn't for a second suggest this will ever happen to you... but my best mate recently lost her partner really unexpectedly - he was very young and estranged from his parents. When he died she was not really consulted by police, coroner etc. despite the fact that she was the one who found him. Fortunately his sister and she were very close and she made sure my friend was kept involved. My mate had previously been married and divorced and didn't want to get married again but now she really regrets this and says if she were ever to have a serious relationship again she would def consider getting married and would never have kids without being married first.

Maybe you could talk about the fact that you don't want him (or you) to feel trapped ever and that you really do need more romance but also you have a think about some of the more practical concerns.

Either way good luck with your decision x

wishwales · 20/03/2011 12:40

Personally, I think that his statement about the two of you sharing his last name was more symbolic than anything. Men express things differently than women. Perhaps he sees the name thing as a way of being a more connected unit - a new level of closeness and togetherness. In my opinion, a 'good' man would change his mind about marriage once he sees the longevity of a family brought on by a pregnancy. It might have just caused him to see things in a new way and realize what he has. It is his way of offering security to his partner and child. I wouldn't take this as a proposal JUST for a surname. And, congratulations. Let him assert his manhood, why not??

Pootletrinket · 20/03/2011 15:11

Congratulations! I AM married to DH but didn't take his name...but if you'd have married your OP in a heartbeat a while ago (and having come out of an unsuccessful marrige) and he's making the moves this time, perhaps it was always meant to be and he just took longer realising it!!

Good luck with your decision.

cowboylover · 20/03/2011 19:26

Congratulations! I am so pleased you discussed it x

Flip