Couple time after baby?

[Newmummytobe79]

Ok ? I know I may be up for a bit of criticism here ? but how much ?couple time? to do have/expect to have after having your baby?

We?re going to a family party on my husband?s side and his sister has turned down the invite as her children aren?t invited. They have the offer of a babysitter (the Gran and Granddad on the Dad?s side) but have turned that down as they don?t go anywhere without the children. The event is an adult party, at night and in a pub/bar so not child friendly. They have also turned down invites to weddings and couple?s only meals/21st/40th etc due to the fact their children haven?t been invited and they consider this unfair. They always take their children to house warmings, summer bbq?s etc where most couples have pre-arranged sitters so they can drink and chill with their friends.

I know my feelings may change when I?ve given birth but I seriously hope that I will want to go out with my husband and friends and that my parents/inlaws will enjoy their time babysitting. They are already offering as is my brother and his wife (they have even started planning where baby will sleep and where they?ll push the pram to! Cute!)

Please do not think that I want to dump my baby on family every weekend ? but I?d like us to enjoy ?date nights? and go out with friends once in a while and consider this quite normal. Do you ladies?

x

I think it depends on the age of your children, and how close you live to the grandparents. Also whether you bf or ff.

If you breastfeed, then it's very difficult to get any time at all away from your baby until you stop, not least due to sore boobs! For me, this was the first six months. I went out for the odd night out, and even to a sports match, with DH before then, but it felt "wrong" and we returned to a screaming hungry baby (she wouldn't take a bottle), barely worth it. Whereas friends who were forced to bottle-feed from the start were enjoying weekly date nights from very early on.

We managed to get a couple of weekends away before DD was aged 2, but each time I felt a physical pain at being away from her, which it's hard to describe unless you've felt it yourself, but I cried a lot both times. (Bearing in mind that I leave her at nursery quite happily!) I did enjoy myself in the end and was glad I did it.

It also depends on your relationship with the potential babysitters. We've tried agency babysitters a couple of times and didn't have the trust (they called us to come home early - DD is a light sleeper and woke up), so have avoided using them since and relied on grandparents. I trust my own parents much more than PILs but my parents don't really have the confidence to have DD overnight. PILs will happily have DD overnight, but don't always do things the way we like to do them, which leads to worry/stress.

At the moment, DD is not going to bed very early/easily and so we are again going through a phase when it's difficult to go out and leave her. Our neighbour's teenage daughter has offered to babysit, but there's just no way she'd be able to get DD to bed.

All of that said, I would not want to be like one couple I know, who go out too very frequently using grandparents for babysitters, with grandparents driving halfway across the country for the privilege. My feeling is that if you want/expect that kind of help, you should either pay for a babysitter or move to live closer to grandparents. Or, don't have children in the first place!

Now that DD is a bit older, and can speak up for herself, I don't feel so bad when leaving her, so am starting to request more babysitting, and DH and I try to have a day or evening away from her about once a month, which is about right to keep our relationship healthy. More would be better!

Sorry, that's an essay, but my answer is: "it depends"!

I think it all depends on how many offers of babysitting help you have.

We'd love to go out more, but have absolutely no family near. If we want to go out, we have to shell out 50 euros for a babysitter for the evening, so it gets expensive. Plus you have to find a babysitter you can trust. And is available. Not easy.

So if you have offers, great, accept them and go out!

I've been thinking about this, but from the other way round, in that I'm worrying that people are going to expect me to leave my baby before I'm ready. I know that I will want to go out with just my husband at some point but I sometimes feel that there is an expectation that I should want to do this really soon after giving birth.

I figure that we'll just work out what is best once the child is here, but I do fully expect to call on my MILs baby sitting offer once I feel comfortable with it.

we couldn't get out together for more than an hour or two at a time until our DD was about 6 months as I was BF and DD wouldn't take a bottle (and was a crap sleeper) - but even joining some friends in a pub round the corner for one drink was great. we had people over a lot instead, also great.

now that she's 14 months and sleeps reliably in the evenings we probably make it out together every 4/6 weeks or so - we have family very close by which makes it easier. but we go out separately more than that.

a lot will depend on what kind of sleeper you get - it's one thing to ask people to hang out and watch your TV, but much much harder to expect anyone to re-settle a baby - unless the baby knows them really well.

but I totally wouldn't expect her to be invited to evening stuff - she's in bed!

It also depends how much time they have with the children- if they are both working long hrs they might not get to spend much time with the children and not want to give up the time they have...

Sorry I should have said - their children are nearly 6 and 11 so I'm not talking about leaving babies. Does that make any difference? x

oh and 5 minutes away from both sets of grandparents x

thefurryone - I've been worrying from the other side too! I'm due at the end of August and my friend thinks I'll be out the first weekend in October for her birthday drinks - which I really doubt! I'm planning on breastfeeding and if baby is late he/she will only be two weeks old! x

I'd love to go out with dh more than I do, but my mum has the dc on a Thursday and Friday whilst I am at work, and is very clear that she 'does enough'.

Consequently, I never ask her to babysit at the weekend as well, and dh and I never go out together, really.

onlylivinggirl makes a good point. DH works long hours and is desperate to spend time with DD at the weekends, whereas I'm keen to hand her over!

But at that age and with grandparents so close by...

Depends on the person, i think once they are over 1 yr old leaving them now and again with someone you trust is very normal and some people do so before. I think 6 and 11 and never leaving with nearby relatives (who are happy to have them) is a bit extreme personally, but each to their own. however no there is no need that you would have to be like that

As a shocker- my DD is 4, we've had 2 social evenings out since she was born - one to watch a rugby match and one for the theatre. We have no family in the country and generally not a hectic (evening) social life.

I don't think there are rules; do what you want and what you feel is right!!

Wow - I must have some pretty lucky friends! They seem to go out quite a lot with their partners, go to weddings without their children and enjoy the odd night away! Many even go on hen/stag weekends and their parents are more than happy to look after the children. I felt like I'd be frowned upon for going out by my sister in law and miss out on meeting up with our friends but I guess if we feel ready and our folks are more than happy to sit, we shouldn't feel too bad! Plus ... I'm sure many of you enjoy a good few bottles of vino in the house :)

We're thinking we'll hold a few dinner parties at ours to warm up first! hehehe! x

I have two stepchildren who live with us, and their father before that, so we have never had 'couple' time unless the kids are with other people. We have been away for weekends together and on holiday while they stayed with friends and relatives. They are both very happy to stay with other people and quite enjoy it. They've done it from an early age (they are 8 and 11 now) and so are quite relaxed about being left. It helps that we live near their aunt who loves seeing them, and their grandparents are quite young and up for having them for holidays. (In fact, they were with them for over a month at one point owing to family problems.)

Now I'm expecting a baby, I know it'll be a while before we can get away and I've no idea if I'll even want to. The grandparents are a bit older now and asking them to have a baby on top of the others, who pretty much run themselves now, is a big ask, and their aunt has her own child now so it's too much to put on her. But we're very used to finding time for ourselves even when the kids are at home, and have some established babysitters for the occasional night.

I certainly wouldn't be dragging kids to adult-only events once they were past being tiny, and if their grandparents lived nearby (as opposed to the other end of the country)I think the kids would be with them a lot - both sides would enjoy it immensely.

newmummytobe I think your SIL sounds a bit of a pain and wouldn't necessarily be the sort of person I (you?) would choose to be mates with :) Am she is a lovely person but in terms social compatibility maybe you don't have that much in common?

Most of my friends with kids are happy to leave them for parties, pubs, child-free events etc but this does seem to be planned a lot in advance. We said no kids at our wedding and most people LOVED that. I think the sort of people who minded would not be people I would generally have much in common with.

I couldn't bear the idea of not spending some great adult time with my OH and friends. In fact I am in the same position as you now - worrying that it's going to be hard to do that once the baby is born. Especially hard for us as we won't have any family near so will have to either hire baby sitters or make like-minded friends that we can swap childcare with. Is that even possible?!

Until now, it sounds awful I know, but our friends with kids we now see for daytime events and meals out (or at theirs), planned way in advance, and our non-parent friends have been the ones we have the most contact with as they can be a lot more spontaneous and can pop down the pub without having to schedule this in weeks in advance. I am terrified of losing that freedom but I guess something bigger takes over and spontaneous nights out are no longer the main thing in your life.

That said, I am not yet a mum (12 weeks PG) maybe once the little thing is here I will change my mind and go all earth-mother on you, never want to leave my child for a second and carry on breastfeeding until it's at school...

wow newmummytobe79 am i allowed to say i think your SIL sounds a little painful or will i be strung up?! i do personally think its a total PITA when people are funny about 'adults only' time, especially when their kids are clearly old enough to be left with other people and there are willing grandparents on hand to do the honours. its important that adults should have time to unwind away from the kids, and also for kids to learn that parents need some time out too...

that said it is a bit different with babies. i plan to breastfeed, but hope to be able to express also so that we can share the baby care a bit and also so that we can leave the baby with my dad from a few months old or so if we can stand to - i do think babies that are used to spending time with other people seem to be better adjusted and its nice when a baby is happy to be held by other people.

Judging from the other replies, me and DH go out much more often! But with DS1 it probably took us longer to start going out regularly. If you are lucky enough to have interested babysitters who you trust then I would def recommend couple time as often as they are willing to babysit.
My top tips to enable you to do this stress free:

1. Make sure your baby will take a bottle; I BF both of mine but contrary to some advice, made sure I introduced an occasional bottle of expressed milk before 6 weeks. Maybe I was lucky but I never had a problem with them rejecting bottles or breast, this gives you a lot more freedom even if you might get a bit uncomfortable missing a feed at the beginnng, you could express when out.
2. foster good bedtime habits if you can. Again maybe I was lucky but my babies were in a bedtime routine by about 8 weeks where they would have bath, massage, milk then go to sleep nicely at about 7. This made leaving the house easier.
3. They would follow this routine regardless of setting so from v early we would go to dinner at friends/family and put them 'to bed' in carrycot at other peoples houses. Our friends were always v accommodating - no smoking, helping us carry stuff to make it easier etc. The children would be transferred home to cot usually without waking up.
4. as a result of no3, we have a network of friends whose children are all comfortable (at ages 3-6) to go to bed at each others houses so babysitters are not always required for an evening with friends. Also our children are very at home staying with grandparents overnight without us so we have occasional nights away, late nights with a lie-in the next day.

OP i think your SIL is a bit extreme but I do know a few people like that and could never understand it, there were kids at our wedding and they actually ruined a few of the really special moments such as speechs, first dance and if i had it to do again i would insist on no kids- i think after spending all that money people have the right to say if they don't want childern there.

Im due mid July and am bridesmaid 8 weeks later (bride is happy for me to bring LO but i havnet decided what to do yet) and have to fit a christening and hen doo somewhere in between!!

I am hopeful that DH and i will still have some sort of social life after the LO is born and shouldn't have a shortage of babysitters so am going to take full advantage, I think some people fail to remember they were a person before they were a mummy or daddy and although im sure it will be wonderful when the LO comes along the odd night out wont hurt anyone!!

hmmm tricky one this. If the event is afternoon-evening a bbq or wedding then yes i would want my children to come with me if they new the hosts. I actually fell out with a very dear friend who had the no children rule at her wedding as I just couldn't go and tell my son who then was about 9yr that he couldn't come, he'd known her all his life and she was a bridesmaid at my wedding and her own son my pageboy. So we just didn't go at all, and consequently fell out over it.

However, i dont' expect or want to go everywhere with my children. They are now almost 12, 5 and 3.5yr and my dh and i love nights on our own or out with friends and even the very odd w/end away.

I am very fortunate in that my own parents are extrememly hands on and natural with my boys and do everything pretty much as i would the kids are happy with them, my parents enjoy it and are totally relaxed with them. So makes any night out easy. They even have the three of them overnight on occasion. So we are very fortunate.

This may all change though as they are relocating from kent to norfolk and im due our fourth in July.