How to deal with overbearing family

[WalkOnBy]

Hello,

Just wanted some advice really. I'm due in 7 weeks and my sister is driving me mad at the moment. I dont know whether its my hormones or something but I am at the point where I dont even want to talk to her about the baby which is a shame.

She's really excited we are having a baby and has two young children herself. When she had them my Mum came to stay with her for 6 weeks, which was fine for her, but its just something that I dont feel like I want. I've discussed this with our Mum and she's fine. I also know that if we need help it will be there.

I am also worried about them turning up straight after the birth, I really want to have a couple of days at home with DH before they all come to visit. We have a small house and have already said no one can stay over night which I dont think they are happy with but tough!

I've tried to explain that we are really looking forward to it being the 3 of us and DH is taking his 2 week paternity leave but its as if she doesnt understand that we might want to do things differently to how they did.

I feel like I am being a cow and they are giving us bits and pieces thay they dont need, but I am finding her so overbearing over the whole thing.

Any ideas as to how I can manage her in a nice way without upsetting her?

I dont want them to not come but I want her to know its my baby not hers and we want some space to spend some time together :)

Maybe I am being ungrateful and unreasonable!

You are not being ungrateful or unreasonable. I can totally sympathise. In my case, MIL is totally overbearing post-birth and not ante-natally. I had my ELCS last week, and on the second day, she criticised absolutely everything - baby's clothes, feeding, nappy changing, the fact that I don't cook chapattis, rearranged my kitchen cupboards etc. I was in tears. My husband was lovely and knew straight away it was out of order and was upset by the whole thing. In my case, my sister in law spoke to her and said that she needs to ease up. She calls every morning for an update on everything and has her own theories about things which defy common sense or current thinking.

I let my hubby deal with her. I don't have much advice but just to say that it is important you try to sort this out before the birth. I had absolutely no idea it would be like this as she has pretty much stayed out of my way for the past 5 years. Since baby was born, she has discovered how to pick up the phone. MIL really knocked my confidence and I felt so tense in my own home.

It is good that you are putting your foot down about overnight guests.

My mum announced halfway through my pregnancy that she was going to come and stay at our house for a week after DS was born to 'help'. I told her we didn't want people staying as, like you, we have a small house and wanted the first few days to just be the three of us. She put loads of pressure on me, saying I had no idea how hard it was going to be having a new baby, and that I 'needed someone to help with the cooking and ironing' ( who irons when they have a new baby?! And why can't DH do the cooking? Isn't it his job to look after his wife and new baby? It's not like I'd married some useless fucking neanderthal who didn't know where the oven was). I told her I thought DH and I could cope fine on our own; she actually snorted and went, "Good luck with that".

DH and I stood firm, DS was born and she came up the same day but stayed in a hotel. I am so glad we insisted. We will always treasure those precious first few days of DS's life, hibernating, snuggling up in bed together. We had no need of 'help' whatsoever - DS slept and fed for most of it and DH was wonderful at looking after us all. We would have hugely resented having someone else staying in the house during what was a beautiful, intimate, irreplacable time for us all.

Of course, once DS got to three weeks, all hell broke loose: he stopped sleeping and started screaming from colic for hours every evening. Where was the 'help' then, eh? Eh?

Stand up for yourself. It's your baby, your family and your decision. All the best for the next few weeks.

Assuming you are going to a hospital or birthing centre (sorry, big assumption) is there any chance you can stay there for a night or two after the birth and then tell a white lie and say visitors aren't allowed or give very limited visiting hours so they don't stay long?

Some hospitals encourage new mums to stay until their milk comes in, so that the midwives can give help with breastfeeding.

You need to avoid avoid avoid (three times for emphasis!) visitors on day three, which is usually when your milk comes in, your boobs will be on fire, the hormones hit, and all you want to do is cry. My PILs insisted on being our first visitors on day three, after we'd got home, and stayed all day. It was horrible, I couldn't wait for them to go.

Your DH will have a big role to play as gatekeeper, planning who comes when and telling people they can only come if a) they stay no more than 2-3 hours b) they make their own tea and c) they bring a meal for you and them with them.

P.S. It's different with DC2, when you will need someone to help with DC1!

You are not being unreasonable - my dad talked me into letting my mum come to stay after DC2 was born (similar argument to the one MMrsBloomingTroll makes above) but we live abroad so it meant she came to stay for 2 weeks! She was NO help at all - she just wanted to hold the baby all day and firmly insisted this was "helping" me so I could "get on" - I ended up looking after my 2 year old, doing all the cooking and clearing up, making all the cups of tea, having my mother criticise me and drop heavy hints about how I should get on and wash the floor while I had her there "helping with the baby". My DC1 was only 24 months and invariably got up at 5.30am but my mum never offered to get up with her and got up about 8am and promptly spent 45 mins in the bathroom... We had a big confrontation on about day 6 when I said I if needed help with anything housework and toddler not baby - she responded by crying argh! I had had a c-section and was breast feeding and using a sling (given the chance) so really resented her and felt constantly furious at the sight of her sitting for hours holding my new baby and gazing at him while he slept, and making whispered requests that I bring her drinks etc. - that was what I wanted to be doing!

DC3 is due in 5 and a bit weeks and I have a 3 and 5 year old - DH is taking time off to help me and my parents are only allowed to come after DH's paternity leave finishes, and I have insisted they stay in a hotel (to be fair my father prefers to anyway as he likes his comforts such as en-suite bathroom and no noisy kids running around the house at 6am!).

So I would say be firm and put your foot down or you will end up worsening your relationship with your sister; my mum and I have never been close exactly, but since I have had children the relationship has been worse rather than better and I have found that my interaction with her is based on a sense I "owe" her contact rather than wanting it at all (unlike what a lot of people find) and I am sure the 2 weeks after DC2'S birth compounded that dramatically!