Help! Sudden realisation of the enormity of whats happening

[Melly19MummyToBe]

So I'm 28+2 weeks gone so the big day isn't too far away into the future. I just keep having massive freak outs at night, (nights are the worst when I can't get comfy and have nothing to do but think) I just keep panicking about whats going to be happening in a few months and although I'm not scared about the birth, I'm absolutely terrifed about how me and my DP are actually going to cope with a baby. He hasn't a clue about babies at all, he was that shocked at how small a newborn nappy is he asked me where the rest of it was!! I keep panicking about the simplest things like, how do we bathe her? Or what do I dress a June baby in so she isn't too hot? How am I meant to know if she gets too hot? Don't get me wrong I love our baby to bits and can't wait to meet her I just feel so overwhelmed by the enormity of everything I just can't think straight :(
Also I really want him at the birth, as I will have no-one else. He says the thought of me giving birth makes him feel sick, and if I'm having a water birth (which I really really want) then he's definately not going to be there :( I just feel so sad that he feels like this and I don't know if I can do/say anything to make him feel a bit more positive.

God I need a and a :(

Ok, now breathe! You will be fine, and so will your DP! Babies are not that complicated. Your baby won't overheat instantly - if you see she is sweaty, remove her pjs and leave her in a onesie. You won't drown your baby either - the first bath is a matter of a few minutes really, and you will build your confidence over the next days and weeks. I would recommend the book "Your baby week by week" as it contains a lot of practical advice, eg how to bathe your baby, how to go out with her the first time, and so on, and each chapter is very short - perfect for when you feel like a zombie with the lack of sleep. It will also reassure you that your baby is normal, whether she cries for 8 hours a day or 20 minutes, and whether she poos after every feed or once every 4 days. It saved my sanity in the early weeks.

The fact your DP does not want to be with you at the birth is a different issue. Why does it make him feel sick? Why is he against water births? Is there any way you could sit down with him and explain why you need him there? I think as you are the one who has to undergo all the pain (sorry, it does hurt!), the least he can do is be there to support you.

BTW a water birth will "expose" you less than a traditional supine delivery - he really does not need to see that much, let alone get in the water with you. He does not need to stare at your bits while you push - I also had a waterbirth and my husband refused to see the baby coming out, he was just holding my hands and talking to me as I pushed. I'm sorry to say this but your DP needs to man up a bit. I'm not saying it has to be a magical moment for him (or for you even) but I'd say his duty is to be a father and DP, and his place, if you want him to, is to be by your side, whether he feels like it or not.

PS - have that glass of wine and it will calm your nerves!

Melly, you need to relax about it a little. Remember being a mother is a very natural thing - it's been going on for a very long time and if all those other women can do it then you definitely can!! I'm also expecting my first and sometimes am completely overwhelmed by all the things people expect me to know and I don't. I got so worried that I decided the only way for me to learn was to have the NCT sessions. This made me feel a lot better and made me realize there were loads of other woman just like me who felt they were not prepared to become mothers and just needed a little guidance.

As far as having OH at the birth this isn't a given. It might be better if you find someone else to be in there with you for the actual birth as he might make you more anxious and actually slow down the whole process. A mother, a sister a dear friend maybe? I live a long way from my family so really am stuck only having OH available to be my birth partner but if he had said to me when I asked if he wanted to be my birth partner that he didn't want to do it then I would have arranged for my sister to come and stay with me for a week or so for the birth. If there is really no body else you could possibly ask you need to talk to him and tell him he has to "man-up" and support you when you need him to. It isn't like you're asking him to get in the water with you, just hold your hand and support you while you deliver his child into the world.

Good luck with it all. Don't over think it, I'm sure you'll both be great! My mum keeps telling me how instinctive being a parent is and how we'll know what to do when the baby comes. :)

I totally agree and echo everything Primafacie has said..

It is natural for your emotions to be up and down at the moment. I was also lying in bed the other night and burst into tears, at the thought of having a baby. Bit late now, as I'm 34 wks!!...BUT it is scary, considering how life will change so dramatically. Also, worrying about the affect a new member of the family will have on your relationship etc...

Sometimes, I think it's just better to STOP thinking about it so much- as hard as that may be. Put some headphones on and listen to something that takes you away from the all-consuming baby brain... Or watch a movie on your laptop/pc that takes your mind off pregnancy.

As far as your DP having worries about being at the birth- talk it through but ultimately let him know how IMPORTANT it is for him to be there, supporting you every step of the way...Good-Luck and be strong! I'm sure everything will pan out fine..

Thank you for your advice, it has helped :) I have just recieved some good news, my big sister is going to be staying around now, she was going to uni in Loughborough to do accounting but they turned her down (even though she got in last year with the same application ) but she has got into one near us now! I think I might ask her to be birth partner number 2 just incase DP really can't handle labour.

We've never really talked about it, I only know he feels like that because I wanted to watch One Born Every Minute a while ago and he said "If you watch that then im off to bed, I can't watch other women giving birth, it's gonna be hard enough seeing you in labour! Just the thought of it makes me feel sick." and I said I quite like the idea of a waterbirth and he looked at me in absolute horror and said "well if you're having one of those then im DEFINATELY not going to be there" He's so lovely in every other aspect, he's practically built the entire nursery from scratch! It's just labour he's so damn unreasonable about!

One Born Every Minute is the worst programme ever. I dont want to be there after watching it either!

Melly don't feel like you need to follow what is considered the "norm" today. Years ago it would be unimaginable for a man to be in a delivery room. If your sister can do it then you could have a good birthing experience with him waiting outside until you are ready for him to come in. I don't doubt that he really cares about baby and you just obviously doesn't like the whole birthing process.

I honestly would not have dreamed to ask my OH to be in the room when baby was being born if he was uncomfortable with it at all. I love my OH to bits and his support is important to me but he can only be supportive if his heart is in it. We discussed it at length when I was about 15 weeks pregnant and I left the ball in his court and told him I needed a decision from him by the end of February (due March 20th). By the end of February when I wanted the decision he had decided that he wouldn't miss the birth of his daughter for the world but doesn't want to actually watch her "be born". He will be there to hold my hand.

I don't feel like I need to follow the "norm" today, I feel like I need him there.

I watched a few water births on YouTube. It really helped as they were all calm and kind of beautiful. May be you should watch a few and show him some, he might get a mote positive idea of 'normal'
Fwiw I think it's usual for guys to be really scared and unsure and this often shows itself in insensitive comments. My DP said some pretty odd things in the run up to my birth but in the event he was wondeful.

Oh and he stayed firmly at the head end and didn't see anything of the 'birth' itself. I was also completely fine with him not wanting to cut the cord as I saw his point about it not being a nice sensation and actually it doesn't mean much anyway

My DP was at all of our children's birth and was very pleased he was as how ever it happens in our case, emcs, wbac, elcs and in 6/8 weeks hopefully another vbac. It is a magical moment, that he found mindblowing. But I have to say with both the first two births my labour progressed much better when he went for a lie down. Esp with my first I was furious when he suggested relaxing and watching t.v. during contractions, he was better 2nd time round!!

I had my younger sister with me for all of the births which was wonderful. Though I would really recommend having someone who's been through labour before to be with you. Mother, auntie, godmother or good friend, doula. I really didn't know what to expect with my first which is why I'm sure I ended up with an emcs, (my mother died before I was pregnant) I needed someone to say "your in very early labour get some rest it will take a while", but I was so excited that I exhausted myself amongst lots of other thing I knew better for 2nd time round.

Good books to read to about labour 'Ina May Gaskin Guide to Childbirth' it's rather 'peace and love' but I found it helpful and lots of positive birth stories which I found helped me mentally prepare and good website re foetal positioning is www.spinningbabies.com

Also top tips you have to prepare mentally and physically... After giving birth it feels a bit like running a marathon (or what I imagine it feels like after running a marathon) I think it is important to stay in good shape, go for good walks, do lots of stretching (yoga or pilates) both brilliant.

I have terrible punctuation.

Also I don't think I really made clear how I feel.
Basically the end bit is the important bit re DP.
Labouring I found it wasn't important to have him right there, as long as he is in shouting distance.
He did enjoy timing the contractions and doing the drive to hospital.
A friend of mine's DH spent labour organising the blowing up and filling of the birth pool.

It's good to give them practical tasks to do.

It was wonderful having my sister.
And if there was another likeminded person who has been through labour themselves I would highly recommend it.

I think from his comment he doesn't want to watch anyone ELSE giving birth, but didn't say he doesn't want to be there for your birth!

I totally understand why he doesn't want to watch the videos - I don't want to either, I have seen a few things by accident on tv and the net, and I can't handle it either. I am going to be up the head end, I don't want a mirror, and I don't need to see other people bits and all the blood and guts before I go through it myself thanks.
For those that say you need to see it to know what to do during birth - I say no, I would rather not see it and be able to pay attention to what I have to learn about what I have to do in a birth class or whatever.

One of the reasons I like this website is that it doesn't have graphic pictures of things I don't need to see that freak me out.

Tell your fella you just want him to hold your hand and look at your face, as that is what you really want isn't it?
The birth staff can deal with the other bits.

Relax, and get some sleep if you can : )