Upset at sex of Baby - I have handled it badly

[missnevermind]

Let me start by saying - I don't know why I am upset, I really had no preference. But I have 3 boys and just expected this one to be a boy too. I could see myself as the Mum of 4 boys.

When I was told at the scan that it was a girl I cried, the sonographer thought I was happy, but I was devastated. I was so upset, but I don't understand why.
I have been teary all week when thinking about it.
I have no reason to be upset, the baby is fine, the scan showed no problems. After a difficult pregnancy last time this one is going smoothly.

I went to the scan on my own and phoned DH afterwards and pretended to be happy because he was over the moon about it. I told my parents it was a girl and they were pleased too. But it made me feel that they were pleased it isn't a boy, and that makes me feel worse.

My sister was nagging me by text to tell her about the scan, she is desperate for me to have a girl - she does not want children of her own - so when she phoned (i couldn't bring myself to phone her, because in my mind she would be obscenely pleased that it wasn't a boy)I did not tell her the sex just that everything was good and as it should be.

So this morning Mum has phoned me and told me off for not telling my sister that it is a girl, Mum had said something assuming that I had told her.

I tried to explain that it would have upset me how happy it would have made her and Mum said, I don't know how to take that. So I just said to her that she didn't have to take it at all as it wasn't meant for her and changed the subject.

I had just started to get over myself, thinking about girls names, pink things, girly shoes and handbags, not being the only female in the house, that sort of thing.
And now I am upset about this again, I don't really want to explain myself to them as I don't understand it myself.

Thats what I get for telling the truth to my Mother Aggghhh

Sounds like yoou are just in shock to be honest.

Don't beat yourself up OP, I have three boys and, TBH, if I was told that DS3 was a girl I'd have been pretty upset too. I adore boys and have never had any desire to have a daughter. Although everyone assumes otherwise and I got a lot of "another boy? That's a shame" comments during my most recent pregnancy.

However, when the baby comes, you will be thrilled and happy and love her in just the same way you did with your boys and all of this will be a distant, unimportant memory. I know that's not much help at the moment though. Put it down to hormones and if it helps your Mum to understand, tell her your disappointment is due to finances/practicalities eg. bedroom sharing/not being able to pass clothes on etc. I'm not saying this actually has anything to do with how you feel but this was the ready excuse I had because I knew many people would not "get" why I would've been upset if my baby was a girl.

Hi MNM
Just to say I also know how you are feeling, I am in the early stages of pregnancy with DC3 and already have 2 boys. Everyone is assuming I am desperate for a girl but that couldn't be further from the truth, I love my boys and can only see myself with boys - if we do have a girl it will be a real shock and there will be quite a lot of getting used to it all. It's one reason I don't want to find out the sex at my 20 week scan - for me it will be much easier to have a real life baby girl than it would be to know about it and have to deal with it!
I too have a husband that I know would be absolutely delighted to have a girl (although I know he'd be really pleased with another boy) but I just know I'm going to get really annoyed by all the "trying for a girl this time" comments.
Sorry not much help, just want you to understand that I completely know where you're coming from.

Poor you. We can't ever do anything right can we? In the eyes of others, either we want what we haven't got or are dissapointed by what we have and the pressure placed on us by others is immense.

I don't pretend to understand your preference for one or the other as I've never really felt that way but I do understand your feelings about others reactions. When we announced we were expecting dc4 we had some memorable comments:

'oh dear - another accident?' No
'why? you already have 2 girls and a boy' So what?
'how will you cope?' Better than you do with your two

And so it goes on. When someone offers me genuine congratulations I thank them and tell them why I'm thanking them.

Please be gentle with yourself. You will get used to it. Be honest with your DH and ask for his support. He will probably not understand why you feel this way but if he is a decent man (and presumably is, if you've chosen to have children with him!) he will help you through your feelings. How about counselling? Your MW or GP could help with that.

As I always say in gender issues - grieve. Not for the little girl that is but for the little boy that isn't.

Your little girl will be the most spoiled thing. She'll have 3 older brothers who she'll learn to wind around her little finger as soon as she can sit up. Your DH sounds like he'll be the same. I promise you, she'll be a valuable addition to your family. Just give yourself time to get over the shock.

If it helps, there's a mum on the July thread in antenatal - Nicola. I know she won't mind me saying that she's got 3 boys and is having a girl. It was a huge shock to her for the same reasons - she couldn't imagine having a girl. Yet she's got past that and is now in a frenzy of girly buying.

Take care x

And as for others (than your DH I mean) stuff them. Tell them what was suggested earlier - that it's a lot to get your head around in terms of the change, bedrooms, clothes etc. That'll shut them up.

You need to deal with you and your emotions. Not anyone else's.

miss, first of all I have four boys, am expecting again and would love to have a little girl but am fairly sure it's another boy ( too early to tell)

I think it can be hard when you had an image of a "family" in your head and then some little boy/girl is born in the "wrong" order just to mess up your plans!

FWIW, I cried buckets on being told that ds4 was a boy. I held it together at the actual scan but cried all the way home. It also didn't help that I had gotten a speeding ticket on the way to the scan so with that and the hormones, I was feeling crap anyway!

Well, now ds4 is almost three and I adore him! I don't care that he isn't a girl and you won't care that your dd isn't a boy, once you get to know her!

I am not finding out the gender of this baby because I found it much easier to love the squidgy baby that ds4 was, rather than the scan picture which is just a cold image on a screen.

Aw, don't worry about it. Can you speak to your sis or are you still too upset?

If you cannot talk to her, send her an email explaining that you were feeling a bit upset about having a girl, that you know it is unreasonable, but you just were not ready to speak about it.

I had a girl then a boy and was a bit worried about having a boy cause I did not know how to change a boy's nappy. :o I was worried about getting all his bits clean. Makes me laugh now, but I got the midwife to show me how to do it.

Thank you everybody.
I have had a bit more of a weep reading all your replies, but its OK I know its just an attack of the sillies.

LolaJane You have hit the nail on the head I think. The more I think about it, maybe it was just the surprise (shock) of it.

It wasn't really a preference for a boy over a girl. If you had asked me before hand I would have said it did not matter one bit and meant every word of it. It was just the way I felt when I found out, like I had been hit with a brick.
I just know she will be loved and spoiled by everybody and with three brothers she will be making the most of it.

I keep running into you ButtonMoon - I will follow you back to the July thread as well I think - she is due 21st July.

The whole point of finding out the sex this time was because if it was/is a girl then their is going to be some big upheavals ahead. Plus the buying of pink stuff

OMG MmeLindt Girl bits! I hadn't even thought about that!

That's because I spend far too much time on here missnevermind!

And as for girl bits - seriously, they're harder to deal with!

I'll look out for you in the July thread. It's a nice place to be. Lots of first timers to make you and a couple of 3/4+ people to make you feel less of a social experiment!

Aw.

My MIL had three boys and then a girl - no scans in those days, when the doctor told her she'd just had a girl she cried and said "But I only have boys!" - she got over it

But seriously it does sound like you're in shock. Hormones on the go as well.

Don't beat yourself up, give yourself time to adjust. You'll love your girl just as much as your boys.

Incidentally, when I had my scan I thought I wasn't bothered either way but my heart sank when they said it was a boy and I realised I must have just assumed it was going to be a girl. I felt guilty for reacting like that. I went out and bought a tiny Oillily boys babygro and just looking at the tiny thing somehow changed me from negative/shocked into feeling happy and expectant as I suddenly thought of a little person in it. Could you go and do something similar?

I think this kind of gender shock/disappointment is quite common actually, if a little taboo.

Chin up

That's an understatement WildStrawberry!

It's very common and a lot taboo!

You'll be fine. It's normal, you're just in shock. I think it's okay to take a few days. You don't need to explain yourself to your Mum or sister, just change the subject.

Congratulations.

My dh is the eldest of 3 boys and then a girl and it's just lovely. SIL was very well protected by them. And tbh she can beat them all at arm wrestling.

I do feel for you but I also think this is why it's not great to find out the sex for some, maybe even most people. I'm sure when you meet her you'll love her as much as your boys but by finding out now you've got 20 week to brood and think about stereotypes rather than getting to know a little girl in her own right.

I know some people will flame me for this but I really don't see why anyone is told the sex at all.

happycamel, it's really not a reason against finding out the gender at 20wks. It's just shock.

There are lots and lots and lots of good reasons to find out the gender at 20wks and actually I count why the heck not as one of those reasons.

An honest and unexpected reaction to something is just that.

And it's usually nothing to do with stereotypes at all and doesn't last for 20 weeks. Chances are the op will be fine in a week. In fact she's already starting to come round to it as she says herself.

I never find out Happycamel. I always say I'm not bothered, but I've known enough people to be poleaxed by their reaction to realise that sometimes it's an irrational, unexpected reaction. I'd rather meet a squishy baby and discover then!

Also, I know of enough people who've been told the wrong sex. I'd spend a lot of money on the wrong sex if that was me!

I can't understand how you feel as I'm only expecting no 1 at the minute but you're just like the Beckhams!! 3 boys and a girl. I'm sure your boys will dote on her completely, just wanted to give you a hug!

Don't assume your daughter will be a girly girl, she might well be a bit 'boyish' from copying her big brothers. Apart from that, she'll have lots of little things that make up her personality and make her an individual, in the same way as she would if she'd been a boy. I can understand why it would be a big shock though, and so difficult when people assume you will be pleased about something and you're not!

Thank you everybody.
You have made me feel better by not shouting at me to just be grateful, and understanding what I have been trying to say.

I little bit of retail therapy goes a long way I bought a baby dress today, not pink though and had fun looking for matching shoes. I also bought some purple wool!

Well said happycamel, I find those who find out are always disappointed and get comments from others, what is the point? I really don't get the whole finding out thing.

I just happened in as I am expecting my first and just found out today its a boy. Funny - I kind of knew it was a boy (and as such only had a boy name in mind), but also slightly wished it was a girl. Now I know its a boy ... I feel a bit overwelmed for some unknown reason. Anyway, I wondered how other women were handing such emotions and it makes me feel better that is not all so straight forward.

missnevermind - I am also due on July 21st. Happy travels!

I think you're just in shock - we had a scan of our 3rd and the lady wrote the sex down for us as we couldn't decide if we wanted to know - we looked about 2 weeks later - we were CONVINCED it was a boy - but the scan said it was a girl! - I was so completely shocked and I didn't tell people straight away because it took me a while to get my head round - like you I had no real preference, I slightly erred towards a boy just because I have one of each already and I found my boy MUCH easier than my girl but in all honesty a girl for us is much more practical and we are just happy to have a healthy (so far!) baby and are now really excited. I did feel bad for a while as felt guilty that I'd been upset almost that it was a girl not a boy but I came to realise it was just shock - I'd totally got my head round having a boy and it was a completely shock to be told she was a girl!!!! You'll be fine - hang in there xxx

i too had a shock when dc 3 turned out to be a girl. i imagined being queen bee in my own house with three big strapping teenage boys and falling over lots of smelly rugby gear and having quiet weekends while dh took them windsurfing (head up my bum and in the clouds!)

i think it was the loss of security...i knew what to do with little boys and all the little girls i had come across were,erm,quite difficult

dd is now 2 and just the sweetest little thing, her brothers ADORE her (as do their friends) and she adds a lovely dynamic to our family.

good luck and keep your chin up!