HELP ! OH is 8 wks pregnant and stressing !

[MrA25]

Help !!

My partner is around 8 weeks pregnant but is feelign ALOT of nausea and abdomen pain. She is panicing ALOT about it to the extent that she is not sleeping properly and is very argumentative at the moment. She is petrified about the pregnancy "going wrong" and is almost convincing herself that will happen !

She is very well paid and in a senior management position also under alot of stress at work and she has convinced herself that they now want her out as she is now pregnant. She has started keeping a diary of who is sayign what to who so she can use it if things got bad ! Her working atmosphere apparantly wasnt always great, and she was off with bad flu early January for 10 days and stressed the whole time that she was off work that she'd have piles to do to catch up when she returned. She did see the doctor just before she returned and the doctor felt she was mildly depressed and wrote a note for her to return to work gradually. She was happier doing this but not looking forward to returning full time. She had a return to work meeting with her managers and had aspects of her work taken away that she enjoyed as they felt she couldnt cope with all her workload, and this didnt help her as she was left with "the rubbish nobody else wanted". She spoke to her line manager and they agreed to let her have some aspects back and lose some aspects she didnt like dealing with. This helped her, but since she found out she is pregnant - which we had been trying and so was not unplanned, she has been very tired, (sorry to say) moody and argumentative. Though I do put alot of that down to the changes that occur early in pregnancy and also the situation at work with her thinking they just want her out. I help out a fair bit at home, doing the washing, ironing and soemtimes taking her son out so she can have some time to herself. Things are now at a point where yesterday evening, she said to me she'd had enough of work and her managers, and intended to leave her job if the pregnancy did "go wrong" or else hang out for her maternity package to start (around September) and then not return and hand her notice in while on maternity leave. She worries about money and that we have just bought a fantastic 4 bed detatched house and are gettign married next May.

She has flown off on business this mornign and is back tomrorow evening, so I am sorting out her 6 year old son from her previous marriage, which she is happy for me to do. She told me last night that she feared the worst about the pregancy and that she thinks this is her last chance as she is 37 and - in her words- not getting any younger. she said that she constantly fears that her ex husband - who hardly calls and never see's his son, will kidnap him and she will never see her son again, and that if that happens she will "have nothign left". I told her this shouldnt be her last chance and she shoudlnt think like that, but her glass is very much at the moment empty ! -let alone half empty !!

Any advice/suggestions to help her in any way would be VERY much appreciated.

Am sorry to hear its so difficult at the moment. Pregnancy can be stressful and coupled with a very demanding job equally so. I dont have any advice but hopefully someone will come along pretty soon.
Hope it gets better

Definitely urge her to go back to see her GP. You can probably email him/her what you've said here so the doc has that background info. Irrational anxieties in pregnancy are pretty common, but it does sound like your partner is very distressed (possibly depressed), and may need some medical help.

Please get her to go to the GP. She does sound very anxious/paranoid. Maybe there is something behind that before the pregnancy? Either way, a GP will be able to talk things through with her and give her advice on the best course of action to help her.

Good luck to both of you.

Many many thanks from you all. You're a wonderful community !

1 thing I forgot to mention earlier is that she wants a viability scan done privately asap, as she is convinced things not good with the baby and she wants to know asap if all okay (or not). So as she's away until tomorrow, I called the local private hospital and got some availability appointments for a private scan. It will put her mind at rest if she has it done and that it (hopefully) shows all okay.

GP !! pah - she wont go !! I have suggested it but she refuses. She says they cant do anything until after scan results etc.. She (reluctantly) called NHS direct at my suggestion last night but was told maybe 8 hours for a call back, so she gave up on some advice etc.. from them. She doesnt want signing off for stress as her work sickness recods are not good to say the least and she fears being given her last warning (she's already had 2 warnigns in the last couple of years for bad sickness record) and again as I said before she'll stress about coming back afterwards with piles of work that everyone has left her. Also, her employment maternity policy says if she declares herself pregnant, and then has even 1 day off sick due to the pregnancy (not anything else) then her maternity leave MUST start then ! and she doesnt want her maternity elave starting until around mid/late Sept, so she's having to hold out until then and not have a maternity related day off sick.

She said some time ago that she admitts to being a VERY VERY insecure person - hence the paranoid anxiety re kidnapping and pregnancy going wrong etc... We were burgled last year in our old house while we slept upstairs and that TOTALLY freaked her out and that was when I moved in permenantly and have never left !! She says even now she "hears noises" in the new house and thinks we might have burglers downstairs. She's been on anti depressants for post natal depression 6 years ago and doesnt want to "go there ever again". She's also been on sleeping tablets before and again wants to steer clear of those too. So I'm finding it quite hard at the moment and just struggling from 1 day to the next. I have been helping with the cooking recently - as I'm a typical male and not that good in the kitchen (though will cook "normal food" ie raost dinner etc... no problem). I think she knows I am trying my best. I tell her I love her and she replies "I know". She borrowed a book from a friend at work recently which is all about self helping re depression and negative thinking. I read a few pages and couldnt contemplate some people in the world actually being soooo negative and thinking if their partner said X then they think the worst and think they are going to leave them etc...

One thing I think that plays on her mind alot is the situation with my 10 year old non resident daughter. My wife had an affair and refused marriage guidance and eventually we divorced after 14 years. Our daughter ahs taken it badly and we feel she is "fed rubbish" by her mother which explains why my daughter has in the last 6 months refused to even visit us, as she used to stay over every other weekend, but I hardly see her now and only at my parents when they have her for a day in school holidays. My OH thinks that as I am not seeing my daughter I have "chosen her over my daughter" and thinks one day I will want daughter more than her and leave her ! All very negative thinking. She admits to it, but said thats how she is and cant change. I dont see it like that as my daughter has in a way chosen to not see me at our new house or even ona 1-1 basis without my OH even around !! My OH continues to make suggestions about me seeing her and said in April when I am off for a week in school hols for me to arrange a day out with daughter only. I have asked daughter before but she refuses each time. As both me and OH have said, I need to keep tyring as daughter needs to know I have and continue to try to see her and not make it look like I have given up on her. All this I think also doesnt help OH state of mind as she has said even when we are married, she will continue to think I will leave and want daughter back with me.

I will qualify this post by saying I have no real first-hand experience of these circumstances.

Your wife sounds like she needs some more focussed help. The reference to the GP above was not in connection with the pregnancy I think, but in connection with your wife's mental state (that sounds a bit drastic but not sure what the right words are). Your daughter at 14 might be going through an adolescent phase - though I think you are right to continue to try and keep contact with her.

I'm no expert, but it sounds to me like your DP needs some counselling to help her get over the negative thinking/insecurity/anxiety issues she is struggling with.
Once in a downward spiral, I think it can be very hard to get out again without help. And the problem is, very often, negativity feeds on negativity.

The pregnancy hormones won't be helping, but it sounds like it goes a lot deeper than that.

You sound like you're offering a lot of support, which is great. But I think she needs some professional help to restore her self-confidence and help her get back on track with things.

Can you perhaps suggest (gently) that her son and the expected baby will need her to be a happy mum, if possible and it upsets you to see her in such a state of anxiety, so for the love you all have for her, please would she consider getting some help? Something like CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy), for example?

Tough situation for your family. Good luck.

First off MrA, can I say that you sound lovely? There are often women on here complaining about their other halves so it's really refreshing to see a bloke on here who admits he doesn't have all the answers and is asking for help! The mere fact that you care so much must be very reassuring for your partner and even if she is moody at the moment I bet she appreciates you really.

As the others have said, I'm no medical expert, but it does sound like your partner would benefit from talking to her GP and maybe being referred for counselling. If you think she won't do that perhaps you could both go to Relate (they're not just for relationships in trouble, but to help you through any issues. In fact they have a 'Coping with baby' page here) If she won't go, you could call them and arrange telephone counselling for yourself, which may help you to help her.

Sorry to be intrusive, but does she have any history of miscarriage or infertility? If so, that could explain her anxiety and lots of GPs would refer her for an 'early scan' to reassure her. I think she could also arrange that direct through the local Early Pregnancy Unit (you could probably even google them and phone them yourself). If she had post natal depression after her last pregnancy then it's not really surprising she'd be worrying about it this time.

I'm also wondering if your partner has misunderstood her work contract. I don't think they can send her on maternity leave now. I think it is just if you have any 'pregnancy related illness' in the last four weeks before your due date that your maternity leave automatically kicks in. In fact, I've seen threads on here from women who've been signed off work (for stress or other reasons) for the majority of their pregnancies. She should also check her contract if she's planning to hand in her notice while on maternity leave. If I don't go back to work for 12 weeks after my leave I will have to pay back some of my maternity pay. I think most contracts are set up in a similar way.

Good luck with it all.

Sorry for delay in replying. with OH away... football must been watched !!!

Anyway, Jenga079, thank you for your lovely words. I do hope my OH does appreciate me but I dont demand her to say so to me as I do what I do because ..well..thats just me, and I love her to bits. She did say to me a few weeks ago that she can't understand why my ex wife "let me go" as she thinks I am good around the house and pretty good at most other things. I did think a while ago maybe she thinks to herself that I am too good to be true as I think most of her previous relationships over the years have been mostly flops and as she's a negative person thinks that she clouldnt possibly find someone who actually cares about her ? She said before on more than one occasion that she calls herself a "mardy cow" - which I had never heard of before but she said I put up with her moods alot and am still there for her !!

Yes, sorry, I think your right about being off sick only because of pregnancy in the last 4 weeks and maternity leave kicking in, but I will check.

Will also check re paying back some maternity pay.

No. She has no history of infertility, but she claims to have had a misscarriage in her university days prob 15 years ago. She made a big thing about it not long after we first met but then recently said it wasn't really a misscarriage as she was maybe 5 weeks pregnant at most. I'm not a cynic but I do wonder if she ever had a miscarriage at all ! she can be a bit of a drama queen sometimes.

CBT has been mentioned recently. Someone at her work suggested it. I had an evenings googling about it and OH thinks it sounds like a good idea but nothing arranged yet, but am hopeful as I think it will help alot, especially the negative thinking.

She called earlier from her overseas business trip and said she hadnt had any abdominal pain but still feels sick as a dog !! Said she is weeing for england and has a metallic taste which she thinks is pregnancy related !

Good news that she's responded well to the CBT idea, OP! Yes, crack on and get something organised, if you can. There's quite a waiting list to get it on the NHS, I believe, so if you can afford it, it may be worth going private.

Classic pregnancy symptoms, by the sounds of it, too!